Self Forgivness with work worries

This first part of this is a rant. I had an eventful last few days at work, and all I can do is rant to get this out. What comes out is within and as me, but I do recognize that this rant in and of itself only supports me as a mind-consciousness system. The self-honesty/self forgiveness comes after the rant.

For most of today and the last few days I have been consumed is fear and possessed with thoughts because of my job. I've been getting a lot of shit from multiple customers from saying that I am a 'bald faced liar' to saying that I am 'incompetent', 'a joke!', and '2-faced'. Wow, this is amazing because I know for a fact that I am not out there lying, cheating, and manipulating but this seems to be the impression that people are getting of me anyway. Or, what I really suspect, is that it is more like my customers are the lying, cheating, manipulators that are 'throwing me under the bus' so they can get what they want. Whatever is going on is really crazy as I have not experienced this much animosity at work, ever.

Oh and that's not all, on top of it, I have 3 customers withholding money from us totaling about $9,000 because of various excuses none of which has anything to do with me being a so-called liar, cheat, manipulator, etc. Actually, it is the other way around, as these customers are making all kinds of ridiculous claims about the product I sold them, my service, or whatever. And I say ridiculous because these customers have all received service up to industry standards and really, in actuality, have no reason to be so fucked in the head. Nevertheless, the thought of not having this money owed to us is causing me to become stressed-out and fearful that I will not get paid, or maybe receive partial pay, this coming pay-day. Not to mention, that this shit is also causing me to fear my job security and my ability to do business as a whole.

I simply cannot stop thinking about all these different customers, imagining telling them each individually where to stick it and fuck off in fantasy conversations with each one. This is going on all day long and has been for almost a week now, since this all began. This is so weird, because it is coming from all directions at the same time when normally it doesn’t even happen with one customer if at all.

I also am suffering from a massive fear of loss of money wherein this is making it difficult to stop thinking about all these situations. For instance, after taking a beating from multiple customers over the past few days, I finally went home for the weekend only to become possessed with fear because of the fact that I realized that I did not collect the final payment from this one customer. This particular customer is not demonizing me, but legitimately has a bunch of cabinet doors that are literally falling apart before his eyes. I just sold these to him and would normally be picking up final payment, but instead he now has probably a $1500 claim because the product is defective. This is unusual and probably was a manufacturing error as sometimes a manufacturer gets a bad set of something and that something gets turned into a defective product. It happens; and the manufacturer has stated that they will indeed replace this customer's doors. So, in reality, the customer will have his doors replaced and I will not have to pay a dime for this and the customer should be making his final payment. But because of the fear that existed within me to actually ask for this money because the doors were still not yet technically fixed, I did not ask for the money with authority and accepted and allowed this customer to delay payment because his 'wife has the checkbook', according to him. Actually, I did not ask him in advance of my seeing him for final payment because of the doors issue and because of this he was easily able to say that he did not have a check-book on him, as was probably the case.

Anyway, I went home for the day and the weekend and before the evening was over I was totally stressed-out with fear because of this. The fear that arouse was because I did not collect this money on top of the fact that we have $7,500 on top of this outstanding from the other customers who still owe and in this I was fearful that my boss would reach his limit and get really pissed or suspend my pay til we collected.

I was also worrying about another customer and how he is not paying us for services rendered and how I could have managed that issue better. This customer complained that I was 'incompetent' to my boss. I was completely offended and felt like telling this customer to fuck-off because the fact of the matter is that I was at arm's length for this entire transaction as by design and for him to say I was 'incompetent' is a flat out lie in an effort to make an excuse to not have to pay the full balance. So, in this, I was and am pissed off at this customer, fearful of not receiving payment, and worried that this may reflect bad on me somehow even though my boss sees through this one. So, regardless of whether my boss sees through this one, I have still been mind-possessed worried about this.

Then I went into imagining myself telling another customer to go fuck-himself because he literally tried to get me fired. He gave such a bad report of me that I cannot believe that I was not even reprimanded for this. Actually, I can believe this as I have a good relationship with my boss. Nevertheless, I still experience outrage and frustration and fear in this situation and with this customer and all this puts me into a mind possession where I think repeatedly about this whole situation.

I even have more going on than this. This is totally unbelievable to me. It's like Satan’s unleashed all of his dark forces on me all at once with great fury. I have never been in the shit-hole with so many people at the same time. And in this, I am experiencing the emotions of fear, fear of loss of money, fear of loss of my job, anger at customer, resentfulness, spitefulness, and frustration.

I also understand how I am self-creating these situations from a standpoint of doing business with a starting point of fear of loss of money, or business. In this fear I am making decisions that expose me to be taken advantage of and this I will write about in a different blog.

I also realize that I have self-created the entire experience of emotions in relation to these events and because of my participation within the thoughts that I have described above.

So, to break it down:

Emotions:

• Resentment – I am experiencing this emotion toward these customers because of my participation within the thoughts that 'I am in-fact operating from a position of taking them and their concerns into consideration first, yet and these customers are accusing me of doing just the opposite and even worse, they are taking advantage of me.'
• Fear – I am experiencing fear of loss of money and my job because of my participation within the thoughts that both of these events could in-fact happen.
• Frustration – I am experiencing frustration because of the thoughts that I am trying to do everything to make these people happy yet they are vilifying me.'
• Spitefulness – I am experiencing spitefulness because of my participation within the thought that I want some sort of revenge on these customers for the way that they are treating me.
• Anger – I am experiencing anger because of my participation within the the thought that these customers are all a bunch of assholes that are trying to fuck me over.
• Anger at myself – I am experiencing anger at myself because of my participation within the thoughts that I have been operating from a starting point of fear-of-loss with my business dealings and can see that I have put myself in positions to be taken advantage of as a result.
• Fear of self – I am experiencing fear of self because of my participation within the thoughts that I may not be able to control myself or change myself effectively to become someone who avoids these situations in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of frustration to the thought that 'my customer's are making rediculous claims'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that my customers are making rediculous claims.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought 'that I am doing my best to take care of these customers who are ungrateful, manipulative, money grubbing fuckers' to the feeling of resentment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that 'I am doing my best to take care of customers who I have labelled in seperation of myself as ungrateful, manipulative, money grubbing fuckers'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought 'that I am doing my best to take care of these customers who are ungrateful, manipulative money grubbing fuckers that are lying and making up bullshit about me' to the feeling of spitefulness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of resentment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of spitefulness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of fear and fear of loss to the thought 'I may lose my job because of these customers saying bad things about me'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought 'I may lose my job because I may not get paid on these jobs' to the emotion of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that 'I may lose my job because I may not get paid on these jobs'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of fear of loss because I realise that I am not able to practically change this outcome either way through my participation in this emotion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful of losing my job or money because I realize that there is no benefit or practical solution that will come about from my participation in this fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of spitefulness because I realize that I am separating myself from existence as me by creating and manifesting something to spite outside of self and separate from self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of resentfulness because I realize that I am in this hiding from myself by projecting onto others what I don't want to see in myself and thereby I am keeping myself locked into separation as a mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at some of these customers because of my participation in the thought 'that these customers are ungrateful, manipulative fuckers.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the thought of labeling someone as an ungrateful fucker because I realize that what I see in others I see in myself and that by resisting, defining, judging, and blaming others I am separating myself from my existence as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of frustration to the thought that 'I can not make these customers happy no matter what because they are all ungrateful fucks'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of frustration.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that 'I can not make these customer's happy no matter what becvause they are all ungrateful fucks.'

In all of this, I have been completely mind-possessed for the past few days in that I cannot out of fear, frustration, anger, resentment, and spitefulness stop thinking about all these customers and their individual experiences. Mostly it is fear of loss of either money or my job that drives me to think of these customers compulsively. This compulsive thinking is a defense mechanism wherein I am attempting to protect myself from loss as if I stop thinking then I will in-fact experience loss. I realize that compulsive thinking will not in fact keep me from experiencing adverse circumstances whatsoever, yet I have not allowed myself to stop thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compulsively think about my situation at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of fear of loss to the thought that 'if I do not stop thinking about my situation then I may experience loss'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of fear of loss to the thought that I am too scared to stop thinking and that something bad might happen if I in fact stop thinking about it.

I forgive myself accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of fearing to stop thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fearful because of my participation in the thought that I may not get paid because of all this money that is owed us from our customers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fantasize about conversations and interactions that I could have with my various customers that would prove me right and them wrong thereby connecting this to manifesting the feeling of superiority as a counterbalance to the emotion of inferiority in that I feel inferior because of my participation in the thought that I am not able to handle myself properly in the business world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior or inferior based on how I perceive myself to handle myself in the business world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in compulsive thoughts due to my fear that I may in-fact lose money or my job.

From this point forward, I will breath through all thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I have identified here stabilizing myself in and as breath by not participating in my mind.

Realizing I am co-creator of existence and existense is me

All that exists is me. I am:

the sun, the earth, the planets, the stars
the animals, the bugs, the, plants, the microbes

Oh but it doesn't stop there. I am:

the abuser
the abused
the rapist, the murderer, the child molester, the war monger, the one taking food from the starving
the one being raped, the child molested, the one bombed, the starved to death

These are all me. I am one and equal with all these points as me and more. Anything and everything in this existence is me and exists within me as I am responsible for everything that exists as me.

When I participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions of any kind, I participate in the same systems that all other beings participate in that manifest this current world system as it is in its totality.

For instance, if I run a backchat (internal dialog) that whereby the little voice in my head is telling me that I need to have sex with this woman or that woman, and I wind up masterbating as a result – an action derived from the thoughts that I have accepted and allowed that drove me to masterbate, I am no different than the rapist who runs his backchat whereby his little voice in his head drives him to physically abuse another. I am operating from the same system – the sex system. Where I am doing the exact same thing as the rapist, the childmolester, the homosexual, whatever – I am participating in internal dialog (backchat), visualizations, all based on memories, judgements, opinions where this participation builds and increases in energy to a point where it must be released somehow and my release is to masturbate or have sex with a woman, and the others just mentioned release in ways just mentioned. So, I have a different manifestated outcome but I am doing the same thing. The rapist is therefore showing me what I have accepted and allowed to exist within me.

When I accept and allow myself to become angry at another being and I wind-up suppressing it, I am no different than the murderer who accepts and allows his internal backchat (dialog) to drive him to kill. I am still participating in thoughts, feelings, and emotions related to anger and I suppress or perhaps exhibit an angry outburst, while the murderer kills – both of us are participating in the same system. So, the murderer is showing me what I have accepted and allowed within myself.

When I go to war with someone with the voice in my head whereby I am imagining proving my superiourityover him or her – in proving I am right or proving my point – I participate in the same systems that cause whole countries to go to war, and therefore I manifest war. So, war is showing me what I accept and allow within myself.

We like to hide in judgements of good and bad towards others, labeling those who symbolize to us what we want to see as “good” and others who cause us to fear as “bad”. We like to label people as “evil doers” as if we ourselves are not doing the same thing. We like to form groups of good guys where we fight the bad guys. All we are really doing is resisting ourselves as there are no real bad and good guys out there. All that exists “out there” is a reflection of who and what each and everyone of us has accepted and allowed ourselves to become. And what we have become is beings who live in self-interest and spite, and this current manifested total fuck-up of a reality is the living proof of this as it is the manifested consequence of self-interest and spite. The term “Good guys” is just a label that was given to us to keep us deluded to not see this for what it is.

So many like to just look at the positive side as some sort of excuse or cover-up justifying the fucked-ness that this reality has become. One excuses the massive suffering and the destruction of our home, the earth, just because of some good deeds that a few do or because the birds still sing pretty songs in the morning. Some like to go to church and pray to a god to get that feeling that they are doing the “right” thing while others support political parties. All of this is just covering-up and hiding from ourselves.

We must face ourselves for what we have all accepted and allowed in this reality as ourselves, realizing that we are all responsible for everything that exists in its totality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from this existence in positivity or in good vs. bad or in god
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others, not realizing that I am doing the same thing and that instead of judging others I see in others what I have become and I stop.

I stand as all of existance as me, one and equal, directing myself and my reality to a point of what is best for all through stopping the mind and remaining here. I am no longer accepting myself as an ego personality construct of mind derived from downloaded information from the unconscious and subconsious mind mixed with a dash of memories, opinions, and judgements that I have formed over the years to custom tailor my limited expression of me as mind. I am all of existence, undefined; and from that starting point I direct this world to what is best for all