Day 17 – Never Enough Time to Write VIIII – Physical Discomfort

If I am sitting for hours straight or off-and-on all day, while I am working, driving, or writing, I usually notice discomfort around my spine/mid-back and at the pelvis-leg joint area because of this joint being bent 90 degrees while in sitting position.  However, when I am sitting for extended periods of time doing something other than writing or working I hardly notice this discomfort.

 

It probably is best, for the body, not to be sitting for too long each day.  However, this can be addressed by taking responsibility on two points:

 

1.     Exercise or stretch daily for at least 10-20 minutes.

2.     Work or write diligently from start to finish as to lessen the time that is required to be sitting.

 

Instead of taking responsibility here, after sitting for an extended period of time I become concerned that this is a ‘problem’, and I use this as a reason to do something else.  I usually become ‘concerned’ about my ‘physical discomfort’ only when I am writing or working.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the reason of ‘physical discomfort’ whether it be in the moment or the potential thereof, to neglect writing myself to freedom on a daily, or at least semi-frequent consistent basis.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotion of ‘guilt’ because of my participation in thoughts that ‘I sit too much and therefore I am abusing my body’

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am using this ‘guilt’ to manipulate myself to fulfill my desires do something other than write or work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sitting too long because it may be debilitating to my body.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, instead of participation in fears of sitting for too long, practically address this real concern of taking care of my body by simply exercising or stretching for at least 10 minutes per day and also by not wasting so much unnecessary time sitting at the computer in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason why I am so ‘aware’ of my body while working or writing is because I am not lost in my mind somewhere but right ‘here’ and that within that when I am lost in my mind I hardly notice my body or have any concern for it.

 

When and as I see myself going into the emotions of guilt and fear because of my participation in thoughts that ‘I cannot sit too long because it is bad for my body’ or because of my observation of ‘physical discomfort and then my participation in thoughts that my body needs a break’.  I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to participate in the emotions of guilt and fear which I am using to manipulate myself to stop writing or working.  Instead I simply address my physical concerns practically, bring myself back to the breath, here, and continue writing or working at the next available opportunity.

 

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts that ‘I am abusing my body by sitting too much’ or that ‘the physical discomfort that I feel needs to be addressed and if not I may be debilitated’, I stop and I breathe.  I bring myself back here in and as the breath and in and as my physical body and then do what is practical and physical to resolve to ensure that my body is not neglected nor is my writing or work.

Day 16 - Never Enough Time to Wrtie VIII - Happiness and Excitement Comes First

The pursuit of happiness is a concept that I have had since I was an adolescent when I learned of the constitution of the United States.  Ever since then, I have justified within myself that this pursuit of happiness was good and noble and required to live a fulfilled life.  The interesting thing is that for most of my life, I have never examined the word happiness and what it means to ‘pursue happiness’, and because of this I have been pursuing things that make me feel happy and excited without realizing that I am participating in an endless cycle of positive and negative energy.

 

Seeking happiness and excitement ‘outside of self’ is actually the pursuit of emotional experiences.  What I have also failed to take into consideration is that this pursuit of happiness and excitement originate from my suppression of the emotions of sadness and boredom.  So, I am caught in a positive and negative polarity mind trap where I am constantly seeking to make myself happy and excited because of my underlying sadness, frustration, and boredom.  On a side note considering this, it is funny to think that in reality the framers of the constitution, by making provision to secure the right to pursue happiness, actually gave us the right to suppress the emotions of sadness and boredom thus keeping a nation of beings enslaved to a polarity of happy and sad.

My pursuit of happiness and excitement has kept me from consistently writing self-honesty because I have defined writing self-honesty as a grueling task and derive no energetic feeling of happiness and excitement from writing whatsoever.  Rather, when I sit down to write or even consider writing, I feel bored and therefore desire for something ‘stimulating’ to distract me from this boredom which I do by seeking things that are ‘stimulating’ such as reading about current affairs, or playing chess, or playing piano, or getting on Facebook (all of these activities are what I currently do to feel excited however, these activities evolve over time as my ‘interests’ change). 

 

While participating in these ‘attention diversions’ I feel happy and excited for a moment, but it only lasts for so long because the energy of happiness and excitement can only last for so long before it dissipates and runs out – and then I seek another activity that may bring the feeling of excitement and happiness and the cycle continues. 

 

This is quite funny because when I look at it, I am doing this almost my entire waking day.  From sun-up to sun down I am looking for the energy fix, ‘attention diversion’, that makes me feel happy and excited that distracts me from the underlying emotions of sadness, frustration, and boredom.  So, this ‘pursuit of happiness’ has worked as a major road-block to making any progress to really being free, here, as the breath of life in oneness and equality.

 

So, rather than pursue happiness and excitement, I should instead seek to remain here as the expression of ‘joy of life’ within oneness and equality as who I am in each and every breath.  In other words, this expression of ‘joy of life’ within oneness and equality is not something of the feeling of happiness or excitement derived from some form of stimulation “out-there”, but is the presence of me as who I am of life within and as oneness and equality ‘here’ – constant, stable, present, and here in each and every breath. 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that happiness exists.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that happiness only exits, because sadness exists.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being in a relationship with a physically good-looking woman, having enough money to live a decent life, having a stable job, being able to engage in activities that catch my interest throughout the day, and being physically active and healthy.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within spending time with the family, friends, my pets, my wife, my kids, and my material possessions.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within a picture of me doing the things that I like most and doing outdoors activities, in separation of myself here.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness outside and separate from me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be happy.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to ‘find’ happiness somewhere ‘out there’ separate from me, instead of investigating why I am not happy with who I am in every moment and to change whatever it is that I am not happy with.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about my personal happiness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that excitement exists.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that excitement only exists because boredom exists.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define excitement within my participating in something that I have defined as ‘stimulating.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define predominantly intellectual activities such as reading about world affairs, reading about the markets, reading about politics and political history, playing chess, and playing piano as ‘stimulating’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to get on Facebook or the desteni site, or my email account to get some social interaction to be stimulated.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in in-person social interruptions because of my need to be excited.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desire to be ‘stimulated’ is the same as my desire for me to be ‘excited’.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that in order for excitement to exist, boredom must exist and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my underlying emotion of boredom by seeking excitement instead of facing my boredom, embracing my boredom, and then releasing my boredom through self-forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a polarity cycle of positive feelings or happiness and excitement, and suppressing negative emotions instead of remaining here within an as each and every breath, constant and stable, of life.

 

I forgive myself that because of my participation in the merry-go-round of happiness and sadness and excitement and boredom I have therefore abdicated my responsibility to myself to remain here in each and every breath and to write myself to freedom on a consistent basis.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that was giving to me as an adolescent of the pursuit of happiness and my ‘right’ to be happy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the memory of feeling good about the idea of being ‘free to pursue happiness’ to drive me to blindly pursue ‘happiness’ my whole life and define the success of my life upon the feeling experience of happiness and how long that I can maintain my experience of happiness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my ability to live a ‘good’ life within my ability to do things that are exciting and fun.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break-up my time to pursue some excitement because I believe that I am unhappy remaining here as breath in each and every moment, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to therefore sabotage my process in self-honesty by not seeing things through from start to finish because of emotions and feeling needs that I have not stopped within each breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pursue the energy of happiness and excitement in order to suppress the emotions of sadness and boredom.

 

When an as I see myself going into the need to participate in the energy addiction of happiness or excitement, I stop and I bring myself back to and as the breath because I see, realize, and understand that by participating in thoughts and feeling ‘that I need to be happy and excited’ I am doing so to suppress my emotions of sadness and boredom, thus participating in a never ending self-created polarity cycle of the mind.

 

When and as I see myself going into the emotions of boredom and sadness and then desiring to be stimulated, or excited to make myself feel happy, I stop and I bring myself back to and as the breath, here; because I realize and accept myself as the expression of ‘joy of life’ within oneness and equality, stable and constant.

Day 15 -Never Enough Time to Write VII - Attention Diversion

Attention diversion is one of my primary obstacles to consistent writing.  Although I do not participate in watching sports, or many of the activities that most of us indulge in, I do divert my attention from being right here with myself in breath to other things, anything that can serve as an excuse not to be right here. 

 

For instance, when I sit down to write, often times I will take a ‘quick few seconds (that often become minutes and even hours)’ to surf the internet and read about various wars, or rumors of wars, or the economy, or political interests, or a multitude of other interests such that mostly have to do with the condition of our world and the so many forms of suffering that we all go through all over the planet; or I will get on Facebook, or check out the main desteni.org site (again after just checking it out) to see if anyone responded to my latest post, or I will check my email accounts, or I will practice piano, or I will play online chess, or watch TV.  I guess you can say that I spend a lot of time in the ‘digital’ world, and although these activities are not problems in and of themselves, they are all serving as ‘attention diversions’ to my being ‘here’ with myself directing myself in every moment of breath doing what is necessary to be done within the starting point of oneness and equality and what is best for all.

 

I also participate in these ‘attention diversions’ to almost the same extent while at work. 

 

My reason for allowing myself to participate in these ‘attention diversions’ is that I reach a point, quite often and quite easily, where I just simply need more ‘stimulation’ than what I can get while working or writing self-forgiveness, because of my participation in thoughts that ‘I am bored’ or ‘writing of working isn’t fun’.

 

In addition to these ‘attention diversions’ I also be caught up in things that I actually do need to tend to such as working, spending time with the kids and partner and family on occasion, taking care of my kids, taking care of my pets, taking care of my house, or cooking for the family or just myself, of which I participate in these activities all to a certain degree that I feel is adequate, within being ‘responsible’.   In addition to my consistent work schedule, I am often times ‘whisked away’ to go take care of these responsibilities as they occur; and therefore my time is very difficult to manage in general, and often times even more difficult to manage because of the fact that I waste so much of the time that I do have on ‘attention diversions’.

 

So, I see how these ‘attention diversions’ are serving to assist me in abdicating my self-responsibility because by participating in these ‘attention diversions’ I am not directing myself in every moment and thereby giving my power away to that which is ‘catching’ my attention because I am deliberately allowing myself to be distracted because I don’t want to do what is required to be done in every moment of breath from the starting point of equality and oneness and what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my attention to be diverted away and separate from me here.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be here as breath in every moment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my curiosity and ‘lose myself’ within entertainment, playing piano, reading on the internet, playing chess all while in the meantime not being aware of who I am here in the moment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately distract myself from what is here, because I do not want to do what requires to be done in the here moment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately distract myself from what is here because I do not want to hear what is begin said in this moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be ‘stimulated’ in some way, whether it be reading about something interesting, or eating, or playing piano, or getting on Facebook, or watching TV, or playing chess, or socializing, or going to an event, to be having ‘fun’ and enjoying my ‘life’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being right here as breath by participating in the thought that I need to ‘do something fun (outside of myself here) in order to be enjoying my life’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate in the thought that ‘I cannot just be right here as breath in every moment, but that I need to be stimulated and entertained’.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what I am doing by participating in the thought that ‘I cannot just be right here as breath in every moment because I need to be stimulated and entertained’ is in-fact justifying the seeking of an energy fix/high to ‘stimulate’ me as my mind in order to continue my existence as a mind consciousness system.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to connect the thought that ‘if I am not doing something in this very moment that is stimulating and entertaining then I will not enjoy my life’ to the emotional experience of being ‘bored’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and create the emotional experience of being bored which I use as an excuse to seek an energy fix by doing something that entertains me as my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is boring by just being here in every moment as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being bored.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just being here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘break-up’ the time that I do have to write by participating in fleeting passions and desires as to derive energy from something, anything, rather than to discipline myself within every moment of breath to be ‘here’ so as to be the most effective that I can be within the starting point of oneness and equality and what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot just be ‘here’ within and as breath as me directing me from start to finish each and every time that I write self-honesty, self –forgiveness, and corrective application.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my thoughts, feelings, and emotions because of my idea of this being necessary for me to be a ‘happy and content being’, in separation of myself here as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the only reason I participate in ‘attention diversions’ is so that I can avoid being ‘here’ directing myself in and as each and every breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the constant ‘need’ I have to find out the latest on what is going on in the world, or with the economy, or on the desteni site, or on Facebook is only because of my need to participate in an ‘attention diversions’ to keep me from being here with myself in each and every breath because I fear being here with myself in each and every breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the stopping of my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I remain ‘here’ and direct myself as life within each and every breath that I will not ‘live’ that I will not ‘enjoy’ myself and that I will therefore be ‘bored’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘living’ and ‘enjoyment’ within seeking activities that I can derive energy from outside of myself thereby supporting myself as my mind in separation of myself ‘here’ as life; and within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that ‘living’ and ‘enjoying’ myself is something that I do in every ‘here’ moment of breath while remaining ‘here’ in equality and oneness – that when I participate in the thought that I need to do something ‘out there’ to enjoy myself or have fun, that this is a flag-point for me to see that I am abdicating myself to my mind which requires energy to survive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and acknowledge to myself that when I participate in ‘attention diversions’ I am diverting myself from being ‘here’ within the breath so that I can live me as my mind; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act when I see these flag points by simply taking myself back to being ‘here’ by breathing and living here one and equal within and as each and every breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ‘attention diversions’ to stop me from realizing myself as life.

 

When and as I see myself going into the thought that ‘I need to go on the internet , or play piano, or watch TV, or get on Facebook so that I can avoid being bored’ as an attention diversion when I sit down to write or when I am at work or working around the house, I stop and I breathe until I am clear and bring myself back here as the breath, because I see, realize and understand that my need to be stimulated because of my fear of being bored is of my mind and can be stopped within breathing and being here.  Furthermore I see, realize, and understand that creating ‘attention diversions’ so that I can avoid being ‘here’ doing what needs to be done is exactly what is standing in my way of stopping my mind and birthing myself as life in oneness and equality.

 

When and as I see myself going into the emotional experience of being fearful of being bored and then seeking to participate in an ‘attention diversion’ when I sit down to write or am at work, I stop myself in that very moment and bring myself back to myself in and as breath.  I bring my attention back here as the breath in equality and oneness keeping myself’ here’ as the breath so that my attention is not able to be directed separate from me ‘here’ and not able to be diverted outside of myself.

Day 14 - The Desire for the Truth

I pursued the ‘truth’ from my early teen years.  As soon as I started thinking critically, I started questioning my reality.  Over the years I went through a multitude of potential truths such as New Ageism, Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, etc. and always found points that did not add-up in each system.  I also realized that there could not be a truth so long as everyone had a different idea of the truth.  This realization, however, did not act as a point for me to investigate within myself within self-honesty the nature of truth of my truth. 

 

So, I finally got to, what I perceived at the time as the ultimate truth – that god will save all mankind.  This was the best truth that I could come up with and even that didn’t add up.  But I held this belief system because it was the best that I knew of.  I lived this truth as much as I could. 

 

Then finally, one day, I came across some the Desteni message via the portal interviews on YouTube.  I watched the interviews on ‘truth’ and slowly but surely these interviews burst my whole truth bubble because these interviews got my attention to start looking at the point that all these truths could not be ‘true’ if they all exist at the same time and that what I was missing the whole time was the ‘truth’ of what is right here on this planet that simply requires self-honest observation to see the truth of what we have all accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.  This was something that I avoided to look at before because I did not see the here and now of this physical world as relevant because I saw the truth as something outside of myself to be experienced through knowledge.  In fact, one thing that turned me off of the Desteni message for quite some time was the video where Jack stated that we had to write out the truth of ourselves.  I did not want this. 

 

I wanted to know the truth and leave it at that.  I did not want to do the work to find out the truth of myself and how I have accepted and allowed the truth of this physical reality to exist because of what I participate in within my own mind.  Writing was a major point of resistance for me, and still is, because I simply do not want to the work.  That is the truth.  The truth is that I chose to remain enslaved to the mind, and thereby still support this system as it is now, just because I did not want to take the time to face myself with writing, self-honesty, and self-forgiveness and corrective application.

 

So, the pursuit of the truth as systems of knowledge and information is really an act of self-deception because when we pursue the truth within belief systems or systems of thought of any kind, we are avoiding facing the truth of ourselves, which is the truth – the real truth.  The truth is that this world is reflecting back to us what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become because of what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to participate in within our own minds; and within this, when we seek the truth in systems of knowledge and information we not only deceive ourselves, but we also refuse to face ourselves - I refused to face myself.  So, in seeking the truth within and as systems of knowledge and information whether it be in the form of religions, science, philosophy or spirituality, this is actually an act of self-deception and an act of refusing to face the truth of ourselves as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become which is shown to us every day in this physical reality which is reflecting back to us all the truth, the truth of ourselves, the truth of me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to find ‘the truth’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the ‘know the truth’ within systems of knowledge and information.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘the truth is out there’, while the only real truth that exists – exists here as who I am in every moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the ‘truth’ be seeking truth outside of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that truth and deception exists in a polarity equation towards each other and as such, they are one and the same.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the truth of myself as this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the seeking of the truth as a means to ignore the truth of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within ‘searching for the truth’ I will miss the obvious truth as it is reflected within everything of this world – as this world is a manifested physical mirror of the nature as the truth that is me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the ‘truth’ is something beautiful, amazing, and superior to me, where I am not able to understand the truth unless I seek it diligently every day always looking to a ‘greater understanding’ in separation of myself here, as life as the physical – when in fact, truth as who I am is not pretty at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the ‘truth’ is mysterious and only comes from reading the right information.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only certain beings are ‘granted the privilege’ of knowledge and understanding which creates and supports the paradigm of superior/inferior within this physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the truth and the seeking of the truth to set myself apart as superior to others who do not ‘have the truth’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within seeing myself as superior because I have the truth, to not see, realize, and understand that I in-fact see myself as inferior and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the ‘truth’ as a way to define me as superior in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the facing of the truth of myself within writing self-forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect writing the truth of myself to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

Self – Corrective Actions:

 

When and as I see myself going into the desire to seek, know, and understand the truth within systems of knowledge and information, I stop, I breathe.  I see, realize, and understand that the only truth that really exists is the truth of who I am in each and every breath and the truth of this physical reality which is reflecting back to me the truth of who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.  I further realize that the application of writing, self-honesty, self-forgiveness and corrective application are the only way to ever really ‘know the truth’ which is to be lived in every moment of breath as a living expression of who I am in every moment, which is not dependent on systems of knowledge and information.

 

When and as I see myself going into the feeling of superiority because I ‘know the truth’, even the truth of me, I stop, I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to participate in the emotion of superiority/inferiority because I see, realize, and understand that supporting myself as superior within the knowledge of the truth, even the knowledge that the only truth is the truth of me, is an act of separation and supports the existence of this physical reality as it is now. 

 

From this point forward, I commit myself to live the truth as me from the starting point of oneness and equality through applying self-honesty in every moment when I see a thought, feeling, or emotion come up and apply self-forgiveness immediately.  This is my own self-truth. 

Day 13 - My Experience with Love

I, like everyone else, grew up with the word and concept of love.  I remember my mom telling me she loved me all the time while growing up.  I remember being taught that God loved the world and gave his only son just to be with us.  As I became a teenager, I remember reading about and learning of the idea of ‘romantic love’ that came about in the ‘Romantic Era’ of human history.  I remember learning of concepts like ‘the one true love’, ‘soul mate’, and ‘with love all things are possible.’  So, by the time I was an adult, I was completely programmed to accept and pursue love as it has been defined to me from my parents, from society, from religion. 

 

Interestingly, by the time I was a young adult, I realized that what would always come first, in forming a relationship with a woman, was the desire for sex, not love.  I was self-honest with myself, back then, enough to realize this and to understand that it really was not love that I was pursuing; yet, instead of investigating this further, I rationalized love within the fact that I got along with certain women better than others.  So, in other words, I considered love to be that special someone that I really wanted to have sex with that I also happened to get along with well.  I also had a bit of a coldness/cynicism towards women because I also realized that, even though me really just want to have sex, women want/desire a man with money because money equals power, influence, protection and security which means that women are also not really pursuing ‘love’ either.

 

I also realized that within this, I was able to manipulate others with the word love because the idea of love captured other beings and therefore kept people in the dark in regards to one’s true intentions.  For instance, if a woman felt that a man loved her, then she would just ignore any possibility that he just wanted to have sex with her, and was in effect using her.  This made me cynical towards love and also towards women for being so foolish to fall for this.  Yet I suppressed these realizations so that I could pursue the idea of love because I thought that there was just something wrong with me, and therefore in an effort to be ‘normal’ I pushed for love and believed that I loved.

 

Another interesting point is when I was about 22 years old; I realized that God is love.  I realized after considering all of the information that I was fed over the years about what love is and what God is.  Then I pointed out to a religious friend my conclusion that God is Love, and he then pointed out that that exact statement is in the Bible.  I did not know this before he pointed this out and therefore, that made me feel special, or even holy, because I was able to come to the conclusion myself.  So, this inflated my ego within my role as a ‘priest’ or ‘mystic’ and paved the way for me to continue down this road of ‘enlightenment’ further.

 

From that point on I started reading about all religions and spirituality for years on end.  I never could find out which one was right, but I did see the common thread of the concept of love in all of them.  So, then I began to develop the idea/perception that there must be one ‘all loving God’ over all the religions and even spirituality. 

 

Later, after I was married, my wife and I started to go to church.  I gave it my all to fit in and ‘believe’ whatever they told me.  I tried this out despite what I had come to realize already regarding all religion/spirituality being under one god because even this realization left many areas of unanswered questions.  So, as I read the bible more closely from a church perspective, I began to be more and more at odds with the church as a whole and also those that went to church with me, because the fact is, is that I always have a tendency to look at things critically no matter how hard I try and therefore found all kinds of problems with what the church believed relative to what the bible actually says.

 

Then I stumbled across some people who believed that the bible speaks of the universal salvation of all mankind.  This was very intriguing to me and caused me to dig even deeper into the bible.  I mean, I would spend hours a day to verify if this is actually what the bible said and after a year or so, I became 100% certain even to this day, that the bible predicts that universal salvation of all mankind by an all loving, all knowing god. 

 

I came to the conclusion that all of the scriptures that the church claims to speak of ‘hell’ were not that at all.  I came to the conclusion that all of these scriptures actually spoke of the harsher judgment that most of creation would go through, but that this judgment was ultimately corrective in nature and would result in the salvation of all creation.  I also came to the conclusion that this harsher judgment would be accomplished by god working through his ‘sons’ lead by Jesus – his sons were those who gave up their life and the things of this world first, in this ‘age’, and also who had the true knowledge of the salvation of all. 

 

To give perspective, the salvation of all, according to my understanding of the bible/scriptures, was a 3 stage process: 1: Jesus died for the sins of all humanity; 2: Over a 2,000 year period, or so, the ‘first fruits’ will be saved here on earth through their faith, trails, and suffering, and therefore would be transformation to be like Jesus, and 3: the rest of humanity will follow either here on earth or in the heavens via a harsher judgment administered by Jesus and the other first fruits (sons) in the ‘age to come’ in the ‘resurrection’.  And in the end, God will be all-in-all, and all will be saved and perfected.  This was the ULTIMATE ROMANCE LOVE!  God gave his only son, the world looks bleak and hopeless, yet all will be saved! 

 

So, because the church teaches hell adamantly, I got to a point where I could not go there anymore and was basically a ‘churchless believer’ pursuing my own self-perfection so that maybe one day I could be part of that group who saves all creation/humanity.  Within this I made sense of all the confusion I was taught before and found hope in knowing that God now really is an all loving / all saving god worth serving.  This breathed new life into the word/concept of ‘love’, because now this is some real fucking love!  How can it get any better than that?  It solidified the concept of love being kind, patient, and selfless, unlike the love that I experienced for myself that I knew really boiled down to sex for men and money/security/position for women.

 

Then a few years went by, and I ran into the initial portal interviews back in 2007.  There was so much common sense in these videos, but not the normal common sense.  The common sense in the videos is that common sense that we all have to a certain extend that is buried deep down that we never speak of.  But I like digging, and because of this I was very intrigued and watched all of the videos they had on YouTube, at the time.  And of course, there were a couple videos on Love and the portal hit the points that I had buried deep within me regarding the fact that love is an illusion and not real and used to manipulate and control others.

 

This gave me the permission to instantly stop using the word love because I finally had this point verified by another being from the standpoint of common sense; yet, I could not let go, so easily, of my ‘all-loving god’ that was going to save all humanity.   This took 6 or 8 months of watching portal interviews and participation on the forum (at the time back in 2007/2008) to finally get to the point that I no longer believed in god or an all loving god that is going to save all humanity.  But I wanted to, at first, amalgamate the portal message with my concept of the all loving god and his sons saving all humanity by turning the portal and the overall Desteni message into the second coming.  It was difficult to let this go because I just could not believe that this super-love that I found in the bible/scriptures could not be – it was just so romantic!  I also had trouble letting go of this concept for fear of being wrong and deceived especially with a message like the salvation of all because of its grandness and greatness within everything that I had come to know so far.

 

I also see that my concept/belief of ‘romantic love’ may have drove me to ‘love and cherish’ this all loving god/concept because of my subconscious drive to amalgamate the love of god with the ‘romantic love’ concept that I was taught as a child and young adult.

 

Within all of this I see how ideas and concepts, especially taught at a young age, can control and drive people to come to certain conclusions and actions because of the fear of facing the fact that we may have been lied to or mislead our entire lives.  I pursued love and the ultimate idea of love just to fulfill the teachings/influences that I received as a child and young adult, and this controlled and directed me within my beliefs/actions as an adult until I finally realized that it was all bullshit.

 

And I can say, that I have been relieved quite a bit within just the realization that love does not in-fact exist as it has been portrayed in any way, shape, or form within any literature, holy books, documents or through any mediums, sages, prophets in all of human history. 

 

I also realize that love is supported in this world due to our fear to stand alone and therefore we form relationships with others, in separation of ourselves, and call it love just to avoid facing this fear.  For me, that was also another pull of religion, and of true love and marriage.  Yet, in reality love is just created and supported by us to avoid facing ourselves, facing our fear of standing alone.  That is another reason/point as to why I had such a rush with the all loving god concept because this allowed me to not face this fear that I was actually close to facing on my own just due to my own little bit of self-honesty with what love really is, before ever hearing the portal or the Desteni Message.

 

Love is a lie designed to trap, direct, enslave, and manipulate humanity from the very beginning within keeping us glued together as mind consciousness systems forming relationships with each other to therefore support each other as mind consciousness systems because the mutually agreed upon concept of love that actually allows us to operate within our secret desire for sex and money for fear of standing alone; never allowing us to therefore really live here one and equal and complete within and as ourselves as life supporting each other to be life and accept nothing less of ourselves and others.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to utter the word ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe or perceive that I require to be in a ‘relationship’ to be able to exist.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to speak system language by daring to utter the word ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in the illusion that love really, actually exists.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that love exists.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that I require a relationship in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I stand alone, as all as one.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that uttering the word ‘love’, I , in that moment am saying that I’m a system that requires another system, wants another system, desires another system, to form a connection as a relationship to be able to exist in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire love because I haven’t allowed myself to accept myself alone, as just me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my belief in love, my pursuit of love was really me not confronting my fear of being/standing alone.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my use of the word love indicate that I am not able to function alone and that my speaking the word love and pursuing the concept of love is me searching and seeking or wanting a relationship with another because I cannot function or exist without that relationship system.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my use of the word love was primarily to form relationships to therefore use to fulfill my desire to experience sex which is cloaked as a relationship with the usage of the word ‘love’ as its primary power source for my existence as a mind consciousness system to have the ability to exist.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the word ‘love’ derives from the term ‘evolution’ – the word love in reverse is ‘evol’.  The sound signature of the term ‘evolution’, designed within each human being’s mind consciousness system as who they have become is: Evil is the only solution.  And within this the sound of the word ‘love’ heightens all three mind stages as conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind.  Therefore when the word ‘love’ is spoken in one moment by any being within existence, it compounds the consciousness mind applications within me as who and what I have become ingraining and infusing the three mind stages within me through the spoken work love.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when the word ‘love’ is spoken, firstly, the conscious mind is triggered.  Herein the mind consciousness system, as me as all of humanity, connects the word ‘love’ to the application of relationships, which connects to the primary driving force and hidden focus of each human being in this world: the desire to experience sex.  The desire to experience sex is specifically ignited to each human being may fulfill this desire which is cloaked as relationship with the usage of the ‘love’ as its primary power source for consciousness systems to have the ability to exist.  Thus, the compounding of the desire for a sexual experienced is ignited.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the word ‘love’ triggers the word ‘evolution’ within the subconscious mind.  Herein the mind consciousness system connects the word ‘evolution’ to the application of supporting the evolution/upgrading of consciousness systems within this world through my participation in the money system and ignites the inherent application of survival in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to justify and participate in this current money system within survival because of my participation in the word/idea of ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in survival which is the outflow of my fear of death, which is also supported by my participation in the word/idea of ‘love’ as the polarity opposite.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, the death of myself as a mind-consciousness system and therefore need a savior/relationship/sexual experience which brings ‘life’, cloaked in the word ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the word ‘evolution’ then triggers the sound signature of the word ‘evolution’: ‘Evil is the only solution’, within the unconscious mind.  Herein the mind consciousness system that is me that is all humanity connects the sound signature of the of word ‘evolution’: ‘Evil is the only solution’ to the application of each human being within the becoming of who and what they are as mind consciousness systems – the entire humanity’s applications as expression of becoming consciousness systems as who and what we are - remaining within the interconnected web of the unconscious mind, so all remain enslaved and controlled – in this way preparing the way for the children to come to be born into a systematic world as they too become consciousness systems as they are enslaved and controlled - the unconscious mind becoming the preparation for the children to come so all infinitely may remain enslaved and controlled as consciousness systems and never see or realize who they really are as oneness, equality, awareness, existence and not the living word in every moment here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and further the enslavement of myself and all humanity/existence because of my participation in the word/concept of love.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within my participation in the concept/word love despite my self-honest realizations that love in-fact does not exist as it is presented by those who have come before us, since I was a young adult/teenager.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to therefore seek ‘true love’ and the ‘meaning of love/life’ within the idea of ‘love’ that I was given by those who came before me instead of going further into self-honesty and investigating this concept of love when I was seeing that love is not in fact real when I was younger.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, therefore, to use ‘love’ to obtain sex/sexual experiences and therefore support the system and relationships in separation of myself here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a mind-consciousness system in need of relationships to exists because of my belief in ‘love’ in separation of myself as life, here, standing alone complete.

 

I forgive myself that within this I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that love cannot possible exists because it therefore supports me only as a system in need of a relationship/savior.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the desire for a savior/god is also the product of the need for relationships to exist/wherein the savior/god acts as the final support for me as a mind consciousness system when all else fails.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the sexual connection in the belief in a god who dwells within me as my savior giving me life as the sexual experience of 2 coming together giving life here in the physical within relationships is in effect the same thing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek ‘god’, the ultimate expression of ‘love/relationships’ because I did not want to face the point that love does not exist and that I stand alone.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing alone.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect standing alone to fear, and this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself within my pursuit of the idea of love.

 

I forgive myself that within hiding from myself and my fear to stand alone I participated in ‘love’ which then supported this whole world in separation needed/seeking relationships/saviors/gods to support us all as mind consciousness systems.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my partner to obtain sex within the idea of ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into relationships within the idea of ‘love’

 

Self-Corrective Actions:

 

When and as I see myself using the word love to solidify or support relationships, I stop I breath.  I do not accept and allow myself to use the word love within the context of relationships/supporting relationships because I see, realize, and understand that when doing so I am limiting and separating myself as the existence of me as a mind consciousness system, thereby supporting this entire mind consciousness system based reality of separation.  Instead I remain here, stable, complete, within each and every breath without the need of relationships and the experience of sex, supported by the word ‘love’, in order to exist – and do not use the word love in this way.

 

When and as I express to another ‘I love you’ – I express this within the realization that the words that I am speaking are not to another, but actually to myself because I have now redefined ‘love’ as the statement that I will not accept anything else than who I am as life one and equal with all as me, and thus I will not accept anything less from another, as one with who I am.  I live the word ‘love’ as one with who I am when I intervene when I see myself or anyone else in my world applying something that is less than who I/we are as life one and equal.

Day 12 - Never Enough Time to Write Part VI - Never Enough Time for Anything

I feel as if I do not have enough time to write my SRA assignments, or to get sales proposals done, or get enough quotes done in order to ensure I take in enough income because of the strain on my time in regards to spending ‘family’ time with my partner and kids and also take care of all the responsibilities at home. Within this I also fear that whatever task I chose to do is in a way wasting time because I am not able to work on another task which also needs to be done; or to just spend time with my partner and kids as to not ignore them which leads to ‘relationship’ problems. So, no matter what I do I always have an underlying feeling of haste, where I am not able to just be here doing what I have decided it is that I need to do one and equal with what I am doing.

I remember when I was a child that my parents would seem to cut-short my visit with my cousins when visiting and it always being disappointing and sad to have to leave before I was ready to go because I was having so much fun playing. So, therefore I always had underlying anxiety when playing with my cousins, or even my friends, because I always knew that inevitably suddenly I would have to be taken away from them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself and my life to be governed by time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed time to come before self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘not having enough time’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wasting time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘wasting my time’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be late.

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to connect ‘being late’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wasting time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘wasting time’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having multiple projects/responsibilities at the same time to accomplish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘having multiple projects/responsibilities at the same time’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety at the possibility that I will not be able submit a sales proposal to customer in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to submit a sales proposal on time to a customer’ to fear - and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety while wanting to ‘get fast’ to a certain point or place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may not have enough time to spending with my kids and partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘the possibility that I may not have enough or spend enough time with my partner’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that whatever activity I participate in may be abruptly cut-short due to something outside of my control and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach almost everything with fear of not having enough time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘the possibility that whatever activity I participate in may be abruptly cut-short due to something outside of my control’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear things that I perceive are outside of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘things that are outside of my control’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may not have enough time to complete my SRA assignments in light of the fact that I have so many other responsibilities and personal desires competing for my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘that I may not have enough time to complete my SRA assignments in light of the fact that I have so many other responsibilities and personal desires competing for my time’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety when doing any particular project due to the possibility of not having enough time – thinking, therefore, that I am wasting my time and running out of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety the moment that I think of all the things that I need to do and need to be done in relation to how much time that I have.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be taken over by an energetic mind possession of haste when I believe or see I don’t have enough time to complete a certain task or project, while I believe this task to be very important.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘losing time’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When an as I see myself going into fear of not being able to complete a project on time, or not being able to spend time with friends and family, I stop, I breath. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in the emotion of fear in separation of myself here as life, as the breath of life.

When an as I see myself going into the mind-possession of haste and anxiety – I stop, I breathe, I bring myself back here one and equal as the breath/the physical. I simply breathe through this mind-possession, stopping my mind, not participating in this energetic possession until it passes and I am here, clear.

When and as I see myself going into anxiety regarding time, I stop, I breathe. I bring myself back here one and equal with the physical as me, as who I am, and then prioritize my time as effectively as possible and discipline myself to pay attention to the completion of the particular task or project taking into consideration myself and others and everything that is involved, from an equal and one perspective - realizing that going into worry, or haste, or fear/anxiety does not solve anything and only serves to trap me into and as my mind as energy in separation.

From this moment forward, I will flag moments where I perceive or have limited time, the value and importance placed in a specific task, project, or point of participation and the beings for whom I want to perform well. Then I will simply prioritize, plan, execute, and breathe through all mind interference remaining here, one and equal with all as me, stable in and as the breath.

Day 11 - Never Enough Time to Write V - Resistance to Writing Demon

I have been realizing that I have a resistance to daily writing and application. The reasons for this are that I am generally 'tired' or would rather do something else. I also am constantly judging the quality of my writing as I write, and because of this have developed a fear of writing because I believe that I am not able to express myself easily.

Writing self-forgiveness, in my mind, is like a chore that I have to push through because of the perceived difficulty in expressing effectively what is going on within me. I suppose that because I fear that I am not able to express me effectively through writing that I have actually manifested difficulty writing as my actual experience. Then because I actually experience the manifestation of this fear I become validated within and as this fear which then compounds and becomes even more ominous and overwhelming.

I understand more clearly now why a savior is such a great idea because actually living and applying the the knowledge and understanding one has acquired is difficult. I would much rather acquire information and convert it to knowledge and leave it at that then actually be and live the knowledge as myself – this is so much easier and hence within this I am supporting religion and the religious system that exists in this world because that is what religion is. Jesus, as the savior, will do it for us because we cannot do it ourselves. What a crock of shit and a total abdication of self-directiveness this is, yet this is what I am doing myself when I listen, hear, and understand and do not act. So, that is what I have been waiting for this whole time – I have been waiting for a savior to come do it for me because I have developed to much resistance to actually doing the change myself.

I can also expand this to include resistance to breathing when I see movement within myself as thoughts or emotions that come up to any given situation. I am at a point now where I see and identify thoughts, feelings, and emotions when they come up yet often times participate in them anyway rather than being self-directive and just breathing and being here in the physical.

I recognize that when I choose to participate in thoughts, feelings, emotions, resistances, and any system demons that I have already identified that I am diminishing myself and abdicating my self-responsibility and in that am left with hope that maybe I will get it in the future which is placing my trust in a future me in separation from myself here which is the same thing that religious people do in having faith and trust in a savior to do what they/I refuse to do for oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that I do not want to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a resistance to writing because of my participation in the thought that I do not want to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the emotion of resistance to writing to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that writing is not 'fun'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from writing because I have formed a resistance to it based on my judgment that writing is not fun and is difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought that writing is difficult to exist within and as me in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my writing as ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge writing as difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make writing into something that is difficult by accepting and allowing mind-interference in the form of judgments to exist within and as me as I write and before I write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotional experience of anxiety to writing because of the thoughts that I am not good at writing, that writing is boring, that writing is difficult that I have to allowed to exist within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hinder my writing as an expression of my-self here in the physical in and as breath because of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions /energies that I accept and allow to exist within and as me while I write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would rather do something else other than write when this is in-fact me existing as the systems existing within and as me as my pre-programmed existence that would in fact rather do something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to systems at the last minute just before I site-down and write because I at that last minute decide to do something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bored while writing which causes me to feel a drive to stop writing and do something else, impulsively.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the resistance to writing is occurring right now as I write and that this is a system manifestation that is existing within and as me as I right this document that I am in the process of releasing as I write at this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bored when writing because of my participation within the thought that I would rather do something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with writing because of my experience with confusing myself while writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious when writing because of my participation within the thought that I am not able to write effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious when writing because of my participation within that that I am not able to express within and as writing easily.

I forgive myself tat I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the emotional construct of laziness because of my unwillingness to push through the resistance that I have self-created towards writing in that I would rather do something else that comes much easier.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have created this entire manifested experience of resistance to writing through my accepted and allowed resistances, excuses towards writing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath and be here when resistances come up towards writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a cycle within my writing where I “push through” and do a lot of writing and then become worn-out and resistant to writing for a period of time to 'relax' and 'rest' until I write again which is the positive/negative cycle of energy within and as systems – rather than to be here constant as me self-directing me to do what is necessary to be done to release myself from my systematic existence in every moment of breath, here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I develop a giving-in to self-directive living in every moment of breath that I am in-fact waiting for a savior to do it for me, to do what I refuse to do for myself which makes me one and equal with all the religious of this manifested world of systems.

I forgive myself that I have judged the religious as lazy, self-deceived, not seeing that I am supporting and acting as the religious when I see and do not act myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire to do something fun in my spare time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire/want to escape to do something fun to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define writing as not doing something fun in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to categorize activities as 'fun' or 'boring' in separation of myself rather than simply acting in self-interest as life in every moment of breath here doing what is required to exist without any participation in systems whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'fun' be defining it in separation from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word 'fun' with a positive value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word 'fun' as good/positive within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'fun' through judging the word 'fun' as 'good'/'positive'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'fun' to doing what come impulsively to me in my free-time such as playing chess on the internet, reading and acquiring knowledge and information, eating, - whatever is easy and natural.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word 'fun' within a picture in my mind of me doing whatever I want impulsively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that word 'fun' as an 'orgasmic' experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to have 'fun' in my 'spare time' both of which, 'fun' and 'spare-time' are constructs that I have created and defined in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a memory of me playing chess just for fun at my computer to the thought that 'this is what I fun really is and this is what I want to do with my spare time'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect memories of me acquiring information and knowledge to the word 'fun' and to define fun within and as these memories in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect memories of me having sex and masturbating to the word 'fun'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to be having sex, masturbating, playing chess, playing music, acquiring knowledge and information to have 'fun'

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that having 'fun' is a system that I have created myself in separation of me here as life in the physical wherein what I have defined as 'fun' exists within my mind as self-definitions that I have created and manifested within me as my experience.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my resistance to writing and my desire to have fun is really me trying to escape my reality because facing my reality within writing actually means to face myself and I am not able to escape from myself, because I am always here with me.

I realize that no matter what activity I am participating in within this world I am still me and I am still with me and I still fave to face me – whether I am doing something that I have defined as fun or not.

I forgive myself that I have created and manifested a physical resistance to writing wherein I am uncomfortable, itchy, my muscles feel like they need to move, I become self-conscious about my stomach sticking out and my posture and within all of this I am not able to concentrate.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath and be here when I experience psychical resistance to writing realizing that the psychical resistance to writing is a self-created/manifested experience of me as my mind.

I realize and accept that 'sorting myself out' through writing will take time because the deception as the nature of all that exists is extensive and has been created/manifested over a very long period of time and therefore I realize and accept that there is no quick and magical solution to what I have created and manifested as myself and this world.

I realize that I have been making the choice to participate in my mind when I accept and allow the self-created and designed resistance to writing to exist within and as me.

I realize and accept that I require to be patient and persistent with myself and that I require to practically walk this process step-by-step one breath at a time taking responsibility for who I am and what I have created by not participating in the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I accept and allow as resistances towards writing.

I realize that defining and then participating in things as 'fun' and resisting things that I have defined as 'not fun' has no practical value and will not aid me in any what whatsoever and is really just a waste of my time.

When and as I sit down to write and I begin to compare this experience with other experiences that I have defined as 'fun' and then participate in the self-created belief that the experience of writing is boring, difficult, and tedious I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions that writing is difficult, tedious, boring. Instead I embrace writing as myself realizing that I am one and equal with my self-created experience of writing as me.

When I experience resistance to writing because of thoughts of it being boring, difficult, or tedious/confusing I stop. I breath. I do not accept of allow myself to attempt to escape from my current reality through judging writing as difficult, tedious/confusing, or boring thinking and believing that if I were to do something else that I have defined as more relaxing/stimulating that I would be 'happy'. Instead, I face my current reality and take responsibility through, in and as writing myself to freedom.

I realize that hoping and waiting for a savior to do what I refuse to do is of no value and is an abdication of my power to stand as life.

I realize that believing that I cannot write because of my perceived inabilities to communicate me in and as and through writing is to participate in systems that I have created as my experience and thus by participating I perpetuate the existence of me as a living manifested system.

I realize that the more that I participate in my mind and abdicate my self-responsibility to stand as life here as the breath – the more that I diminish myself and lessen my chances/abilities to stand as life here one and equal with and as the physical.

When and as I see phsyical and mental resistances come-up while I am writing I stop and delete these thoughts and breath until I am clear.

When faced with time to write and I experience any resistance whatsoever from an inclination to label writing as boring, difficult, tedious I stop. I delete the thoughts and breath through the emotions and feelings associated with writing until they are gone and I am clear. I then will direct myself to write as needed to release myself from my systematic existence as a system and birth myself as life.