Day 41 - Impulsive

Unless I am distracted doing something, I need energy.  I am an energy addict.  I must be stimulated to be happy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be stimulated in order to be happy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be living up to memories of the past where I was happy in order to be happy now.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I am doing something exciting then I am not happy.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this desire to be happy is really me finding ways to stimulate myself with energetic activities that cause my mind to become excited of which I live for and die for.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that living is breathing and being here and that I am always here – I just need to take a breath and be here where I already am, where I already am happiness as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an energy addict – addicted to stimulating experiences in whatever shape or form they can come.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ‘impulsive’ in order to find ways to stimulate myself and derive energy from activities when I find that things are slowing down and I am not stimulated enough.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop and breathe and bring myself back here within and as the breath when that moment arrives when the thought occurs in my mind “I am bored and I cannot just be here – I need something to do!”

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of ‘boredom’ to the thought that I cannot just be here and I need something to do.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that by participating in the emotional construct of boredom and then seeking energy as a way to alleviate boredom I am creating and participating in a polarity of positive and negative – a never ending cycle of self-created energy addiction, fulfillment, running out of the experience and then getting bored and starting all over again.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not be happy just being here and stopping the thoughts and emotions that come up that "I am bored and need stimulation".

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘pursue happiness’ in separation of myself as if I am missing something, as if I am missing me as all as one as equal and therefore am already complete and in need of nothing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that all that I need is the breath of life of me as me as who I am and that I already have that, I already am that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define doing what is practical for my survival and what is practical for me to transcend my mind and live here in oneness and equality as ‘boring’ and as ‘not fulfilling’ in separation of myself as already complete and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by wasting countless hours on excursions and fleeting energy deriving activities just so that I can feel happy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my past to the present.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past was ‘better’ than my present in separation of myself.  And within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see realize and understand that by comparing my past to my present I am separating myself and living in and as my mind as a mind-consciousness system.

 

When and as I see myself going into the thought that 'I am bored and need something to do', I stop and I breath because I see realize and understand that boredom is a self-created experience that is not real outside of my mind and that what I am really doing is seeking an energetic fix because I cannot just be here and breathe. 

 

And thus I commit myself to stopping myself when I have a thought or feeling that I am bored and need to do something to not be bored because I already am all that I need to be fulfilled and satisfied and happy as I am all that exists already.

 

When and as I see myself having a thought that I cannot sit still and need to do something more fun that what I am doing now, which I have defined as boring, I stop and I breath because I see, realize, and understand that by participating in such thoughts, I am perpetuating separation which has an outflow of consequence of this exact reality of mass suffering and that it is shameful and unacceptable to participate in this when one knows the consequences. 

 

And thus, I commit myself to stopping my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and impulses and desires to participate in energetic highs as distractions to keep me from being here in the breath in every moment.

 

When and as I see myself defining myself as ‘bored’, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to participate in the emotional construct of ‘boredom’ because I see, realize, and understand that boredom has underlying causes within blame and suppressed anger at those I blame, that I also need to sort out – and thus participating in ‘boredom’ is just serving as an emotional release for another emotional ‘problem’ that I need to address and stop.

 

And thus, I commit myself to sorting out my issues with blame and anger in future blogs and stopping my aiding and abetting of blame and suppressed anger at those I blame by venting these through the emotional self-created experience of boredom.

 

When and as I see myself participating in defining myself as not happy because I need to do something more fun, I stop and I breathe because I see realize and understand that I am trapping myself within the infinity cycle of happy, sad, bored, fun that goes on and on forever and never stops and only acts as friction to charge my mind and keep it ‘alive’ and in the driver’s seat.

 

And thus, I commit myself to stopping this cycle of infinite fucked-ness by writing out all the systems and patterns that drive me and then forgiving them and then breathing in every moment, here – where I am happiness as me, and I am stimulation as me, and I am one and equal with all that exists as me – in need of nothing for my fulfillment because I am fulfillment.

Day 40 – Self forgiveness on not wanting to just be here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist just being here and breathing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot just be here and breathe and be ‘happy’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being ‘happy’ as doing something ‘fun and interesting’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be seeking something ‘fun and interesting’ because of my belief that I will not be happy unless I am doing so; and within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that while ‘seeking fun and interesting activities to make my happy’ I am not breathing and remaining here as life, but rather I am living in my mind within seeking to do activities that I can derive energy from.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desire to be happy doing something ‘fun and interesting’ is really a cover story for my secret desire to fulfill my energy addiction as a mind consciousness system always seeking energy to sustain myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energy and ‘stimulation’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetics of mind-possessions such as boredom.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that participating in the experience of ‘boredom’ is of itself an energetic mind-possession.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be compulsively distracted when I am ‘attempting’ to remain stable and breathing and applying myself in my desteni assignments or at work or doing any activity that I have not defined as fun and interesting and entertaining.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my current experience of ‘happiness’ on memories of me being happy having fun as a child and young adult; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be seeking to ‘recreate’ that past experience of memories instead of just being here in the presence of breath in every moment – in which every moment is one and equal with all moments – all moments being the same moment within my personal experience.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that by seeking to re-create the ‘excitement and fun and even mystery’ of my past experiences, especially as a child, that I am living in my mind and not living as the breath of life here in every moment and thus I am sabotaging myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define happiness as doing some activity that I have defined as fun and exciting in separation of myself rather than just to be happiness as me and live happiness as who I am in each and every breath of me as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all of existence by participating in the desire to be happy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breathing and being ‘here’ as boring.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot just breathe through the impulses that I have to escape what it is that I am doing for even a brief moment just because I have defined what it is that I am doing as ‘boring’ – and within that I forgive myself that I have created myself as impulsive.

Day 39 – More On Boredom

Ok, so according to the ‘What is boredom’ video boredom is an energetic mind-possession brought upon by suppressed anger because of blame towards others in one’s world. 

 

However, my experience with boredom is that I just don’t want to do the same old thing all the time.  In fact, I look for things to do that would be exciting, such as things mentioned in my previous post – and it is not these things that drive me, in and of themselves as much as the escape from boredom that drives me to these things.

 

Sometimes, when bored doing the ‘same old thing’ or doing something ‘normal’ or ‘practical’ I just go for a quick diversion and participate in something ‘fun’, whatever it is. 

 

Another point, is that I have memories of my doing ‘fun’ things in my free time, when I was a young adult, and I am always trying to live up to them and repeat them as if life requires me to always have ‘fun’ just like I did in the past.  I fear being bored and I fear not being able to have fun like them memories that I have of me in my past.  Even with that said and as I have already mentioned - most of the things that I do to alleviate my ‘boredom’ experience, I am not really that interested in.  In fact, they are even boring themselves as they are the same diversion/’fun’ activities most of the time, as there are only really so many options in the first place. 

 

Another point that is confusing to me is that unlike the ‘What is Boredom’ video suggests, I do not have an overall ‘everything is boring’ attitude and boredom comes and goes throughout my day instead of being something constant and overwhelming.  However, to a certain extent, I dread just being here and breathing.  When things slow down enough, I become scared in a way of just being here with nothing ‘cool’ and ‘fun’ to do.  So, then I start ‘looking’ for things to do and then I run through my list as mentioned already.  I run through the list with not much enthusiasm as I realize that there really isn’t anything that will actually alleviate my boredom and that I am really just bored with life, overall.  I know I just wrote that I am not bored all the time; however, maybe a better way to put it is that I am not always really bored. 

 

I get bored when things slow down and I start realizing that I may have nothing to do.  I then proceed to tell myself that I need to have something ‘fun’ or ‘interesting’ or gratifying’ to do and then start searching for things to do.  Usually, I really have nothing specific to do in these instances and then I start running through the list of typical diversions.  This list has narrowed as I do not participate in these things so much any longer nor am I as interested in these activities as much as I used to.  It is just that I do not really have a lot of other options. 

 

So, when things slow down, I start wanting to do something exciting and fun, even hard drugs.  The thought goes through my mind, but I never do that.  Or maybe I day dream about going out to a night club.  I never do this either, I just remember as a young adult going to night clubs with my friends and having a lot of fun just seeing what kind of action we could drum up.  I had a lot of fun also from the point that going out was adventurous and different often times.  Now, my life is the same thing every day, practically.

 

Now, it is not really ‘bad’ to have the same thing every day.  It is just that I have these memories of going out and having fun and doing new things and doing drugs and so on and so forth, from many years ago, that remind me that life could be a whole lot more ‘fun’ than it is now, and that I used to have a ‘good’ time just doing crazy things all the time. 

 

But, I was probably bored then, now that I look at it.  I was probably bored and searching for something fun to do and just had more options as a single guy with no kids.  And those options were on the list back then, as they are not now – so I feel that I am missing out but I am probably no worse off.

 

And then there is when I was a kid.  I used to have a lot of ‘fun’ playing games, building forts, riding bikes, all kinds of stuff.  I could run around and play all day with my friends.  I had a lot of ‘fun’.  So, I look back on those days too, and think to myself that I need to live like that again.  I ‘wish’ I could go back there again and just be a kid again when having ‘fun’ was so much more simple and came so much easier.

 

But, I look back to when I was a kid and there were times even then when I was bored.  And there were a lot of times where I had to do chores for hours or other grudge work where I did not have any fun.

 

So, what is it exactly that manifests this boredom?  Back to the ‘what is boredom’ video, the video suggests that boredom is an energetic mind possession brought about by reactions of blame and suppressed anger to one’s world that accumulate within the body and the mind as memories in layers until they manifest as the experience of boredom.

 

So, who do I blame and who am I angry at?  The answer to that is not coming to me easily.  I know that I blame my boss sometimes for not coming into work early enough.  I blame my mother for moving me from California when I was a teen-ager and thereby screwing up my life, back then.  I blame my father-in-law for supporting the war on terror and believing all that nonsense.  I blame my manufacturers that I buy cabinets from at times for screwing up my business (usually when they do something that does affect me negatively).  I blame the ‘masses’ of people who chose to remain ignorant of oneness and equality.  I blame doctors for being so easily brainwashed into believing in ridiculous medicines like vaccines that are contrary to common sense by any stretch of the imagination.  I blame ‘liberals’ and ‘conservatives’ for being conned by the system into believing that they could possibly make a difference by labeling themselves as such.  And I guess I suppress a little anger towards all these groups as well. 

 

But, I don’t have a lot of blame and resentment and anger towards these people, consciously at least.  At times in the past I have, but now and especially over that past few years, I have been pretty cool about all these issues of blame – meaning, I don’t have any hard-core grudges towards anyone, and I see, realize, and understand that when I blame these people and anyone for that matter, I am really just angry with myself and abdicating my own personal responsibility in these matters. 

 

So, within this blame and suppressed anger towards these people and these groups of people, I suppose that I am also taking a self-righteous egotistical position and that this also feeds this energetic mind possession of the experience of boredom.

 

So, I am going to make a blame list on my next post.  I am going to list everything that I can think of that I blame and suppress anger towards.  I did not really think these issues were very significant, but I can see now that quite possibly they are and they are responsible for helping me to create this experience of boredom which then leads to me falling in other areas to ‘fill’ this boredom as well when in fact the boredom is a symptom of the thoughts, emotions, and feelings that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me that I have not forgiven.

Day 38 – A Rant on Boredom

Doing what is practical and necessary for my survival and also writing myself out in self-honesty and other tasks that are done of necessity, like painting my closet because I recently rebuilt because I needed more storage space, are all things that I have defined as boring.  Now they are not overwhelmingly boring and I do at times enjoy all of these things.  However, these activities do not have a lot of stimulation associated with them and therefore I go into resistance towards them.

 

What I seek to do for entertainment, when I look at it, are things of self-interest, like, smoking pot, masturbating, hanging out with people, talking, listening to the radio, playing games like chess, having a beer, playing the piano, reading about current events, and just about anything that I can distract myself with.  In fact, maybe it is more of the distraction that I seek than the stimulation.  I really think that it is distraction that I seek something to distract me from my current state of sameness – the same activity, or an activity of necessity that is no longer satisfying or exciting. 

 

So, like for instance, I complete a task that is required of me to do for my survival, or for some reason of necessity, and then as soon as that task is over, I then become bored and seek something to do that is fun and exciting.   Once I get back into something that is required of me to do, I am ok for that time.  Then when the task is complete, I revert back to boredom – where I feel restless and unhappy with the options that are available for me to do within the context of what is best for all, such as writing myself out in self-honesty, or any other task that is required of me to do.

 

So, I am in this constant cycle of being bored as soon as a task is completed and within that I go into a cycle of thoughts and considerations of what I can do that would be exciting and fun and stimulating.  And then, I realize that these are all activities of self-interest and that most of them I don’t do anymore or hardly participate in. 

 

Such as masturbating.  I used to masturbate to porn as a release point because I was bored amongst other reasons.  Now, I might go masturbate without porn, but this masturbation is usually not a point of self-expression with my body, but rather it is a point of ‘I am bored’, I need to go masturbate because masturbating feels good and is exciting’. 

 

Beer and Pot:  My brother-in-law smokes pot.  I haven’t smoke pot for a while.  Recently I smoked pot because I was bored and tired of doing the same thing over and over and over again.  It is that simple.  Well, also, I have fond memories of pot and I actually fear not being able to experience these memories again – but even then when I smoked pot regularly, it had a lot to do with boredom.  As far as beer is concerned, I have been into a little bit of drinking designer beers.  One per day, maybe – not much.  I definitely do not get drunk.  However, the point of falling for the beer is boredom. 

 

So, I have been defining myself as bored.  I have been defining my life as boring unless I am doing something exciting.  I remember when I was a kid; it was similar except I could be doing something exciting quite a bit rather than the way it is now where I am hardly ever doing something that I would define as exciting.  When I was a kid, I would play for hours with my friends.  We would play all kinds of games of all sorts, physical and mental – it was all a lot of fun.  When I became an older kid, and a young adult, the excitement level was similar so long as I was partying and getting drunk and stoned and meeting people and so forth, I was happy.  I think it was the adventure, or is the adventure that I miss, now that I think of it.

 

Crazy as it sounds, I believe myself to be attempting to fill my life with a sense of adventure by still participating, slightly, in a lot of these things mentioned above, like masturbating (because I am bored and usually still to images in my head to a certain extent), smoking pot (very seldom, but still on occasion because I convince myself that I am missing out), drinking designer beers, and a host of other activities, even eating too much, just anything to make life interesting and exciting. 

 

Why can’t I just breathe and be here?  Why do I have to do something in order to be complete, or excited, or fulfilled?  It’s really crazy because I will look for things to do and actually think of all kinds of ideas and decide against them because I am really not interested in them anyway – I was just trying to find something exciting to do.

 

So, here I am writing, and it is interesting because I am just writing and breathing through all the impulses that I have to do something else and I am not judging my writing so much – just letting it come out.  Why have I charged writing as negative and boring?  Why have I accepted and allowed myself to resist writing or define writing as not fun or as something that is diminishing my life experience?  What is it that is really any more exciting that is not also of self-interest?

 

Maybe it isn’t even that.  Maybe it is the memories of my childhood where everything was fresh and new and exciting just because I was a young one who was learning about the world and didn’t have to work to survive and just lived and expressed and had fun.  Now, I know that it wasn’t all good times as a child and I most certainly got ‘bored’ then too, but my memories of experiencing new things and playing and having fun, so much fun, have kind of set the tone for my expectations of what life should be like now.

 

Or maybe it is also TV.  Maybe too much movies and TV as child has brainwashed me into thinking that life needs to be always ‘happening’ to be enjoyed. 

 

I will get on Facebook, just to see if I got a reaction from someone from a post.  I will surf the net for news stories that are ‘interesting’.  I will buy a beer that I have never heard of before just to have something exciting and new.  I will stop what I am doing and go masturbate just for that awesome experience.  I will eat too much food.  I will do many things to feel like I am doing something new and exciting and fun and therefore fulfilling.  I will also, break away from something that I need to do before it is finished just to do these things.

 

From the ‘What is Boredom’ video and I quote “Boredom is an energetic entirety created through reactions that one had accumulated throughout a period of time towards points, people, experiences and events within ones reality that one had suppressed and that all together started accumulated and manifesting into this energy entity that can only contain so much of an energetic charge in relation to its total mind consciousness system structural design.  So as one starts accumulating energies and if it is of a particular natured energy that one has accumulated within oneself it actually layers and it can only layer up to a point and what happens is especially if it's a similar energy signature that energy signature will then merge and expand throughout the human physical body and the mind consciousness system to look for a release point because it’s not getting a release point and then it possess so that one through one’s mind consciousness system in a reality live out that energy within oneself where that living out one live out boredom and one continue within that process and experience and application of boredom where the mind consciousness system will then reconstitute itself align itself accordingly and it will change itself to changing you to becoming the living manifestation of boredom and all you do is regenerate and recharge reprogram the same time-loop the same point over and over again – the mind consciousness system is very happy and then it’s getting all of its energy from you allowing that one point of boredom and the MCS is on a holiday because it's just one point, just boredom and all it has to do is keep you in that state and you are just channeling and just regenerating that boredom over and over again…”

 

This gets really interesting because what I see going on here is that I am accepting and allowing myself to be mind-possessed by boredom which is actually generating and manifested within and as my experience from my suppressing my reactions to events, people, points in my reality which is accumulating into this energy entity/mind possession that is released as the mind possession of boredom.  And then within that, I start searching for things to dot that would be ‘exciting’, even inventing things to do that would be exciting – in other words, I would not normally be so inclined to masturbate, or smoke weed, or have a designer beer, it is just that I am already bored so then therefore I am thinking of things to do that will alleviate this boredom and then these topics come up, among other things.  So, by participating in these ‘exciting ‘activities I am not addressing the source issue – reacting to events, points, people, and then suppressing those reactions.  Because to be quite frank, all these ‘exciting activities’ that I just listed and others are not what is driving me.  It is the boredom and the need to not be bored that is driving me to do these things.