JTL Day 61 – “The More You Think”

I was watching the video by Bernard “Secret Mind and Thinking” and I would like to explore some things he said (Bernard's statements are broken out in points in numerical order, and then also have quotations marks):

1. “The more you think, the more you're creating outflows, which makes it more difficult for you to see, when you are self-honest and when you are deceiving.”

This is an interesting point as I often do not know what to write about on my daily writings because I simply cannot 'think' of anything. Could it be that I am thinking too much and therefore am not able to see where it is that I am being 'self-dishonest'? I, of course, do know the answer to this.

2. “So it is critically important within the point of the secret mind, that you have to walk through a time-period, where you are cleansing yourself”

Does this mean that I need to go through a period of time where I stop my thoughts as much as possible?

3. “That means, you're stopping your participation in all forms of creations or thoughts, that may have outflows of desire, so that you may see, what you have already created”

Wow, this is cool. Its not just stopping all thoughts, its stopping my participation on all forms of creations or thoughts that may have outflows of desire. It is interesting to note that just the idea of me trying to identify thoughts that have 'outflows of desire' strikes a bit of fear in me, as I fear that I cannot even identify these thoughts and 'creations'. While some I can identify, I fear that I cannot identify them all because I am not sure that I can see all the out-flows of desire associated with each thought, especially in the moment as they are coming up.

4. “...So that you may see what you have already created” -

So, back to my first point: I go 'blank' very often when it comes to writing self forgiveness because I just cant 'think' of anything. Then I go into fear because I know there are things to write about (and when I say write, I mean any form of self-honesty/self forgiveness, IN practice, whether it be writing or speaking, etc), but I cannot come up with anything. So, then I go into fear of myself, or fear that I am too-far gone to be able to stop my thoughts and my self-dishonesty. And the fear is then further proven to me as this seems to continue.

5. “Stop it (thoughts and creations that have outflows of desire), and that you can see what influence your world, that you are not creating and also so that you can create only that which you are going to stand by and for which you will be accountable”

- I would love to be in that position!

6. “You cannot play on words, or on movements, or on thoughts of desire to deliberately deceive and tempt other beings – please stop doing such things, because you're not harming them, unless they give permission for it – but you do harm yourself in being unable to trust yourself because you are creating more and more distrust within yourself because you're playing games to apparently have some form of outflow that you Desire”

– Ahh, this must be a 'creation' that he made reference to earlier. In this case, creating distrust in myself because of deliberately deceiving or tempting other beings because of my own self-interest and self-dishonesty. This is definitely something to explore.

7. “Now – in observing the secret mind, understand that the Secret Mind is your opinion about things that you think about – the opinions you form, is Secret Mind. You are basing your opinion on various inputs: experiences, words, things you've read – all kinds of things. But if you really look at the opinion that comes up – the opinion you form. It is judgmental, in nature. I has the principle of 'good' or 'bad'

Again, another area for me to have a look at. I probably need to carry a notepad with me and write things done as they come up because my opinions, thoughts, judgments, 'creations' come-up during the day and then I forget by the end of the day.

Ok, I will pick up later...

JTL Day 60 – Clarifying my starting point with writing. Self Commitments.

When and as I see myself going into resistance to writing because of my emotional reactions to things going on in my world, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to go into the emotional reactions, which help me to create an experience of energetic highs and lows; because I see, realize, and understand that I must make every effort to remain here and breathe and remain as the breath free of energy and the experience thereof – stopping my mind. And thus I commit myself to breathing through the excuses, justifications, and rationales that I create to prevent me from slowing down and breathing and writing on a consistent basis so as to assist myself to giving myself the gift of life.

When and as I see myself going into fear of not being able to write because I am afraid to stop thinking about a potentially adverse event, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into such fear because I see, realize, and understand that by participating in this fear that I am not assisting myself in realizing any solution, but instead I am assisting my mind to create energy from which I loose myself to, both in the highs and the lows of the experience of energy. And thus I commit myself to stopping this fear by breathing, and slowing myself down to a point where I can then proceed to write my blogs so as to assist myself to stop living as the mind, without fear.

When and as I see myself imagining my future self writing on a daily basis with really cool realizations making really cool videos that everyone can see and see that I am 'the man' as a point of competition, I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that this is me being directed by an image which I create in my mind, which generates energy, while I 'push' myself to achieve this image, which runs out and then leaves me in the negative where-in I am 'worn-out' and feel like doing nothing. And thus, I commit myself to deleting this image from my mind by not participating in it and instead breathing; and stopping it also by redefining my starting point for writing as a form of practical self-support to assist me to stop my existence as my mind; and thus I also commit myself to writing myself out as much as is practically possible within the point of being here within being one and equal with my writing, as an expression of who I am as life while on my journey to birthing myself as life.

JTL Day 59 – Day 12 of 21 days of Writing Every Day – Clarifying my starting point with writing

So, after working with myself for quite some time, with writing and trying to establish a daily writing routing, I have realized a few things. Most importantly, is the importance and necessity of daily commitment in one-form or another to stopping my mind through breathing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty, and applying self commitments that I have made consistently because of the simple fact that if I fail to do so, my mind will find ways of re-establishing itself as the 'god' of me and even increasing its 'grip' on me and finding even more ways to lock me down into the systematic existence of a mind-consciousness system. Therefore a consistent routine must be established otherwise I will never break-free of my mind and always be a slave to it.

Within what amount of time I actually do have available to me, I have realized that to take care of my personal responsibilities and make money to pay my bills, that I do not always, at this time, have the time to actually sit-down and write everyday. I tend to go through cycles of extreme business and the not-so-busy times. It is in these not-so-busy times that I need to really sit down and write as much as possible, while in the busy times, I need to breathe and verbally speak self-forgiveness to establish a point of stability.

So, my starting point for writing, although I never really defined this, was more along the lines of writing everyday because it is what I should do based on more, or less, a picture of myself being the ideal 'Destonian' writing and self-realizing on a daily basis.

So, this needs to be deleted from my mind, from my idea of myself and replaced with a more practical approach. Instead my starting point will be redefined as me writing to free me from my mind to be used as a tool to assist and support me to accomplish this.

Writing will be done as consistently as possible based upon my schedule and the demands that are placed in my life within the realization that it is imperative that I write as consistently as possible in order to successfully walk out of my existence as a systematized mind-consciousness systematic program and into a real living oneness and equality, here-ness. Therefore, instead of writing being a way for me to show to myself and others that I am committed to stopping my mind, rather, writing is a way for me to assist myself, to stop my existence as a mind-consciousness system, with 'life potential', and to realize that life potential by birthing myself, through daily application, as life from the physical, in this one life that I am living now.

And also, I am going to end my '21 days of writing everyday' campaign because I do not find this to be self-supporting. Instead, I will just simply commit myself to writing and breathing as consistently as my schedule permits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a picture-idea of myself as someone who writes everyday, the 'ultimate Destonian', and then try to fulfill that picture, missing the point of daily application in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life as a fulfillment of pictures in my head instead of just living here, practically, within each and every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get 'distressed' over my ability to fulfill or failure to fulfill the pictures that I have of my ideal-self in my mind.

And within that, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my participating in the emotion of being 'distressed' over not fulfilling pictures in me mind, then creates/self-creates an emotional/energic experience that requires energy, leading to cycles of ups and downs where at times I am more motivated to fulfill these pictures and at other times I am not so motivated because of expended energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see, realize, and understand that by trying to fulfill a picture/image that I have created in my mind, that I am setting myself up for failure because this fulfillment requires energy and exertion that runs in cycles and is not stable and constant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply myself daily and consistently because of my emotional state and therefore and within that I forgive myself that I have not keep myself self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that I am too-tired to write when I have enough energy to do other activities during that time and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice breathing through these experiences thereby using them as opportunity to test my ability to remain here and self-directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convinced myself that I cannot write or apply myself daily because I am too 'stressed out' as if that has anything to do with me remaining here, breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the pursuit of a picture of me doing something or achieving something is not supportive in stopping my existence as a mind-consciousness system, but rather supports me to live as one. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase images in my mind rather than to breathe and be here and live what is practical within each and every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have failed to see, realize, and understand that when I make excuses and justifications to not do what is best for all in every breath, that the very reason why I have accepted and allowed that is because I am living in my mind experiencing the energetic highs and lows of the mind and not remaining here, in and as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose the mind of over breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the mind and the energy created through thinking and experiencing feelings, and emotions created by attaching 'positive' or 'negative' associations with my world and then reacting to them, instead of just simply being here and breathing – and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just being here and to resist being here and to resist doing things that are practical, such as writing when and as I have the time, in order for me to further remain here, as a living, breathing being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that creating, and then chasing pictures in my mind will generate the experience of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, which may actually be a secret plot of mine/mind devised to find ways to achieve the energetic fix or thoughts, feelings, and emotions, even thought I am 'intending' to stop them.

Self Commitments to come.

JTL Day 58 – Day 11 of 21 days of Writing Every Day – Reacting

I recently had someone question my abilities to perform a specific task over the phone. This person did this in a very condescending and spiteful way. At first I brushed this off and attempted to move forward with our conversation. But this person kept bringing this point up over and over again. This person kept asking '”if she should tell another person that I cannot do the job”. This of course was not the case. I am perfectly able to do the job. I let her know this a few times. This person was basically insulting me to the best of here abilities and finally when she asked a third time in a very demeaning tone, I answered “PLEASE DO!” and then I hung up on her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger towards this persons incessant insults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in spite towards this persons incessant insults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this persons repeated insults act as a trigger point for me to go into a reaction of anger as if I only have so much tolerance for someone's rudeness. And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify a point of reaction in anger because of the way that someone else is speaking to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify reactions in anger and spite towards others based upon a 'tolerance' level that I place in my mind through my participation in backchat that 'I should not have to take this kind of shit and I can only take so much'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the self-awareness that I had in that moment of reacting wherein I knew that I was reacting and purposely allowed myself to go into reaction even though I was able to stop and breath because I had participated in the backchat that I was 'justified in my reaction' because this person 'crossed the line' that I had set for myself to go into reaction as if it were OK to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful to this person because they apparently 'offended me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotional experience of being 'offended' and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can and should be offended.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this persons words in separation of myself wherein I go into a point of reaction towards this person as if this person is not showing me something of myself and that this person cannot offend me so long as I reaming here one and equal with this person as me, and breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the cool point that this person was testing me to show me that I still have points of reaction that are easily covered-up when things are going well.

Self Commitment Statements:

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of spite or anger towards someones words to me because of my participation in backchat that 'I should not have to be spoken to this way' or the 'this person has crossed the line', I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into reactions of anger and spite towards others because I see, realize, and understand that when I go into reactions I am not here breathing in oneness and equality, but I am participating in energetic fluctuations that I am self-creating in my mind.

And thus, I commit myself to breathing through these reactions and anger and spite when people talk offensively to me until I am clear and able to speak within and as stability.

When and as I see myself going into backchat that 'I do not deserve to be spoken to in this way' or that 'this person has crossed the line', I stop and I breathe, because I see, realize, and understand that these thoughts are of the mind, in separation, within and as energy based on per-programmed thoughts and ideas that I hold of how things should be, and are not of life, of the breath.

And thus, when and as I see myself going into this backchat, I stop and I breath until I am clear, and I do not accept allow myself to participate in these thoughts.

JTL Day 57 – Day 10 of 21 days of Writing Every Day – Work Angst as Resistance

When things get stressful at work, meaning – when I get scared of the potential outcomes of certain events, I go into this mode of work and then come home and vegetate. I feel like if I do anything else other than some mindless activity that I will not have time to do it, even though I have time to vegetate. I also feel that if things at work go really bad, I might be out of a job or income and therefore will not have the time to dedicate to writing. This is strange, but true.

Basically, I cannot seem to write consistently unless things are going well at work. So, for the past month or so, I have had a series of things at work that were all very 'scary' and very stressful because I was fearing the potential outcome of these things, and as a consequence, my writings fell of a cliff because I was basically too scared to write. I was too scared to commit myself to something other than thinking about these 'problems', working, or vegetating. But the vegetating. is not just as a release from the stress, it is because of the strange rationale that I have no time to write because of the potential disaster that these work-related-events may cause. I don’t even know how to really say this. This is just what is in my head and I am getting it out as best as I can. I also have this problem with doing chores and other responsibilities when things at work become scary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot write while under stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be to 'scared of potential bad things happening to me to write'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into cycles of stress and then release wherein when I go into the release phase I am only able to do things that are distracting me from what I am allowing to stress me out. And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in energy-cycles of tension and release where I become so tense that I cannot fathom doing anything else other than the exact opposite: complete vegetation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'I cannot write because I am too stressed out”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to participate in the thought idea that 'I cannot write because 'bad' things might happen to me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if something bad might happen to me, that I must either worry about it or spend time forgetting about it; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use stressful events as an excuse and justification to waste time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotional reaction of stress towards potentially adverse events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotions of stress and fear to potentially adverse outcomes to events, particularly at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to participate in stress in order to fix potentially adverse scenarios.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I take care of my practical responsibilities while 'stressful and scary events' are going on in my life, that I am somehow not taking full responsibilities and action in helping ensure things work out to my benefit. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my participation in this rational to form a basis for me to waste time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of fear to outcomes that could be adverse in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become consumed with thinking about potential solutions to stressful events to the point that I feel that I need to release myself by 'vegging out'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label and define outcomes that could potentially be adverse as 'stressful' and within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to approach these with practical solutions and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend energy thinking and worrying about the potential outcome of events to the extent that I then need to 'veg-out' in which I spend no energy just goofing off and doing mindless activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that everything has a consequence and that all that I can do to be most effect is spend time considering the most effect solution and then be sure that it happens to the best of my abilities and beyond that I need to remain here and breathe and walk through my day, in and as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand, that I am participating in energy cycles by going in and out of the emotions of stress and fear and then vegging out and laziness. And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself into my mind and energy cycles by participating in these emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in resistance to writing because of the strange logic that 'I cannot write while potentially adverse events are simultaneously going on in the background because bad things might happen to me if I do so' -And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this strange logic rather than sorting it out, through writing, and breathing as a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I have been allowing events in my life to be the basis for whether or not I can remain here and direct myself to stopping my mind and that this leaves me completely subject to my outside environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be able to direct myself to stopping my mind if my 'life is going well'.

Self Commitments:

When and as I see myself going into stress and resistance to writing over potentially adverse outcomes, in my life or at work, I stop my participation in these emotions and I breathe. I bring myself back here as the physical and as the breath. I do not allow myself to participate in stress and us stress as a formation of resistance to taking self-responsibility to write myself out and stop my mind.

And thus, I commit myself to writing-out my stress until I am clear on this point and I also commit myself to breathing through points of stress, as they occur, and remaining here and directing myself to continue to write my daily, or almost daily, blogs which is my self commitment to stopping my mind.

When and as I see myself going into the energy cycles of beings stressed out and fearful, and then going into the direct opposite of vegging out and not thinking too much, I stop and I breath because I see, realize, and understand that this is an energy cycle fueled by my thinking too much and participating in the resulting emotions of stress/fear of potential outcomes and then the opposite emotion of 'vegging out' as a release point of the stress.

And thus I commit myself to breathing through the stress and the fear of potential outcomes at work, or anything in my life, and remaining here and directing myself to apply the best practical solution and then continue with my self-commitments and self-responsibly to recreate myself as a living, breathing, physical being, instead of allowing this energetic cycle, that I have identified, as resistance.