Day 424 - I'm Sorry

I notice myself apologizing a lot; and when I look at this, I see that it is more in a way to "grease-the-social-skids", than to make a real change. In fact, I guess that this is what this word is for when you look at the definition:

Apology: "A regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure"

And then there is the word:

Sorry: "Feeling regret or penitence."

And then there is the word:

Penitence: "The action of feeling or showing sorrow and regret for having done wrong; repentance."

which, as per the definition, an apology involves having done "wrong", which is "reptilian logic" of which is based upon “right and wrong”, “good and bad”, “positive and negative”.  

So, basically, when someone does something "bad / wrong / negative" and is caught for it, that creates an "offense" and then there are like "charges" against that person and then an apology is required / owed, in order to balance the equation once again.  Thus, there is no actual self-honesty required in an apology, just "words" to balance polarity charges and "ease the polls", like a form of policing action.    

More-over, I even find myself apologizing, at times, as a way to take the "higher road", kind of like being "sinless", yet going to the cross for the "sins of the world."  Like, hey man, I apologize because I am that cool.  I can take a hit.  

But, in the end, because there is no self-honesty required in an apology, then there is no change, and the same shit is going to come up again in the future, which makes an apology meaningless.  Funny thing an apology is.

So, perhaps I should redefine the words "apology" and "sorry":

"Apology / Apologize" sounds like:

  - appalled guy / appall(ed) guise -- which sounds like it means: giving the impression (disguise) of being dismayed or even horrified of ones actions (very interesting)

  - ape eulogy -- very interesting too, I see, because often times we say "monkey head" things in apologies like "you did not deserve this or that because of your "saintliness" in this situation, etc., etc.

  - a polo guy -- I am making a bit of a stretch here, but the name "polo" is a Tibetan boys name, meaning "brave wanderer".  And a wanderer is someone who travels "aimlessly".

 And the word "Sorry" sounds like:

  - soar eye -- Like I rose "too high" on myself and could not see what I was doing

  - sour eye -- My actions were based on a sour eye - tainting my interpretation of things to that of negative and that disposition being the starting point for my words and behavior.

  - sore eye -- Seeing things from a point of personal pain and then acting accordingly.

  - sure eye -- like I was too self-assured in my eye and could not see 

  - sure why -- same as sure eye.

  - sewer eye -- needs no explanation here

Ok, so from the sounding of the words, I can see some redeeming qualities in the word "sorry" but not too much in the word "apology".  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I am sorry" and to apologize from a starting point of a feeling of regret and penitence, instead of from a starting point of self honesty and self awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I'm sorry" and to apologize from a starting point of "greasing the social skids" without also looking at myself in self-honesty to see if there was a point or pattern that I missed or am covering up, where I am not acting in equality and oneness and need to direct as breath, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I'm sorry" and apologize just so that I can look like "I am an-appalled-guy" for my actions, as a form of a show to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give an appall(ed) guise, falsely giving the impression (disguise) of being dismayed or even horrified of my words and/or actions so that I can "grease the social skids", get what I want, give a false impression of who I am in another's eyes, and/or not have to really in-fact face the truth of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apologize like "a polo guy" - an aimless wanderer -- who throws words out aimlessly following them where-ever they may lead / speaking in the moment without self-honest consideration as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I "owe" an apology in order to balance the equation based upon reptilian logic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am "owed" an apology because of a "wrong" that someone has done unto me of which is reptilian logic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that an apology is due / owed because of things that I have judged as "wrong/negative/bad" of which is polarity and enslavement to the mind as systems, devoid of Life.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disdain as a reaction to my belief that an apology is due/owed, but not given.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling penitent, regretful, and remorseful when I have judged my actions as "wrong/bad/negative" in the eyes of another; instead of remaining grounded as the in-breath in and as self-awareness, testing my self awareness into infinity against the standard of all-as-one-as-equal in the infinite moment between the in-breath and the out-breath, and then expressing as one with my self awareness in the out-breath - as my solution and my eternal stance, of no mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow emotions of penitence, regret, and remorse be the starting point of an apology instead of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make an apology to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I say "I'm sorry" I am really saying that I have a sore/sour/sure/soar/sewer "I" that needs to be made into a healed/made-palatable/humbled/brought-back-to-earth/cleaned-up "I" - and within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the self-commitment to radical self-honest change involved in an apology because only I can do this for myself and I must do this for myself in order to be one with my words when I speak an apology.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apologize with no commitment to actual change.

When and as I see myself going into an apology I commit myself to bring my self-honesty in this matter into and as my immediate awareness and thus use an apology only when the circumstance merits from an absolute self-honest all-as-one-as-equal position where self-change in the matter is equally part of the equation OR because of the social condition of this world as it exists now, I have no other option but to apologize in order to keep the mind consciousness systems from freaking out.

I commit myself to use the words "I'm sorry" sparingly.

I commit myself to live the words "I'm sorry and I apologize" by speaking these words, sparingly, but when spoken, they are spoken with an equal-and-one self-commitment to apply myself to the change required, so that an apology will never again come up, for the matter-at-hand, from a starting point of my self-dishonesty.

Day 423 - Defensive

Moment start:  The other day, I was sitting at my desk, at work, and my boss walked in and over to me with authoritative body language and with a stern voice said something to the nature of  "Josh, the delivery address is not 1609 Wildair St., it 1909!  That's the 3rd address this week that YOU have missed.  Our delivery guys cannot go on runs with bad addresses!  You need to check you addresses.  We cannot afford, nor due we have time, to be making mistakes like this!" 
Not even half way through his words, thoughts started rushing in to my head like "this is not the case!  I had that address right" and emotions of resistance, agitation, and defensiveness rushed in as well.  Also, memories rushed in of previous times I had been careless with details, but since then I had made an "effort" to change this about myself. 
While my head was flooding with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories, I had a moment of self-awareness available to me to breathe, and I chose not too. 
Then reacted to him with defensiveness in regards to my backchat and emotions, then raised my voice a little back and taking an authoritative stance in both tone and body language, said to him "No, that isn't so!  I got that address from the customers plans.  He (the customer) must have had the incorrect address on the plans!  It wasn't me."  My boss wasn't ready for that one, seemed a bit confused.  Then acquiesced and walked away.  I honestly believed that in the moment, but there was a part of me that wasn't sure.  So, after he left the room, I checked the address on the plans and to my embarrassment, it was 1909!  Moment ended.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read my bosses body-language and vocal tone as authoritative and then react immediately with becoming slightly on-guard and defensive, instead of remaining "here" as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the thoughts that emerged as reactions, from my structural resonance, to my bosses words and body language, are of me as the "I Am", thus becoming them through my belief, instead of remaining "here" as breath, standing in and as my self-awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resistance and shame, when and as I heard the words spoken to me that "this is the 3rd time this week you have given a bad address!" especially because of memories in the past when I have been "careless and negligent" with details, and that I did not want to see this about myself here in this moment.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless to change myself in this regard and to react in fear that I might not be able to change myself in this regard, and thus react with feeling embarrassed and dis-empowered.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then react with agitation and slight anger as a way to take my power back and deflect blame away from me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an excuse and justification and say to my boss that "the address was incorrect on the plans" implying that it is NOT my fault, it is the plans fault.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resistance and to believe that the energy of resistance is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with shame and to believe that the energy of shame is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with embarrassment and to believe that the energy of embarrassment is me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the sacred geometry of embarrassment is based upon fear-of-change and fear-of-loss - and therefore in my case, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that I cannot change this "negligent and careless" quality about myself - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear of loss - in that I may not be the projected image of self-greatness, that exists in and as pictures and ideas in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling dis-empowered and to believe that this energy is me. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as a way to not take self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this pattern of defensiveness as a way to not face myself for what I have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with defensiveness, instead of slowing down and facing the situation for what it is. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my bosses body language, words, and vocal tonality as being "harsh" and too "authoritative", and "inappropriate", and then react in fear and agitation to this.
When and as I see myself reacting to someones body language and vocal tones with a flood of thoughts and judgments coming up, I stop and I breathe.  I remind myself that I am not these thoughts, judgments, feelings, emotions, and pictures that are coming up in my mind.  I am the "I am" that is "here" always the same, constant, of no mind. 
When and as I see myself reacting with the pattern of defensiveness, which includes the emotions of shame, embarrassment, blame, agitation, and anger - I STOP.  I commit myself to breathe and remain here as the breath of Life.  I see, realize, and understand that the pattern of defensiveness is of energy, of the mind, and only serves to protect the mind as systems.  I commit myself to remain here as the breath, and breathe until this pattern and the emotional energies that come with it, disperse and grounded back into and as my physical body. 
I commit myself to remain "here" stable, constant, and the same - and take self-responsibility to "hear" the "bad" report and face it as one with it as me, because I see, realize, and understand that no matter the report that someone has of me, "that I may have not been acting within what is best for all and the best possible version of myself" - that this does not change the fact of who I am as the "I Am", as the breath of Life.  Instead, I commit myself to take this opportunity to remain "here" unchanged and "hear" the "bad" report, so that I can sort myself out and take self-responsibility for who I am and what I accept and allow.
In this case, I commit myself to address in future writings the points of "carelessness and negligence"

Day 422 - Impulsive

The other day, I saw some candy that a friend of mine bought and gave to me.  I did not want it at the time.  In fact, I resented the gift.  I kind of looked at her like she did not know me if she is giving me this gift and all because I don't like receiving candy as gifts, and I am NOT in to candy!
Anyway, when she gave me the candy, she said "this is your own personal bag, so Amy can't stop you from eating as much as you want, Josh.  I know how you are!"  With that, I thought to myself "I don't like just eating tons of Candy!"  That's not me!  She doesn't know me" and then reacted with a little resentment towards her, even judging her negatively for being presumptive and assuming.  So, I accepted the candy to be nice, and then put it away somewhere in a cabinet. 
Then, a few days later, I saw that candy just sitting there in the cabinet I placed it in, and I grabbed it and started eating the candy.  I had a few pieces and thought that it tasted very good.  So, I had another figuring that I should just have one more.  Then, impulsively, I had yet another, then another, and another, and even more after that until I had so many that my body started feeling weird and not so good.  It is hard to explain exactly how my body felt other than just really bad all over, and also warm and tingly but not in a good way.  Like, probably something to do with my Kidneys producing too much insulin too fast to deal with the blood sugar going to high too fast, I was thinking, which then I started get scared a bit.
Then if that weren't enough, my brother-in-law just popped over at that time and asked if we had any birthday cake left from the Isaac's b-day party.  He said it was really good.  Then I remembered "oh yeah birthday cake!"  I reacted in fear that it may be almost gone or someone else might eat it", so I opened the frig and there it was.  Sitting right in front of me.  I already felt bad in my body from the candy and thought that it was not really a good idea to eat cake too at this time, but reached in and grabbed a piece of cake and ate it anyway.  If that weren't enough, I added a couple of scoops of ice-cream to the cake too, and ate it all up. 
Needless to say, I felt like complete shit after eating all of that and started to worry that maybe I would blow my kidneys out and become diabetic as a consequence.  I went to bed early that night and had trouble falling to sleep and worried quite a bit
I have a pattern of being impulsive sometimes, where I over-ride common sense completely to do what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impulsively eat candy, cake, and ice-cream in quantities that is way past what my body can handle over-riding all common sense that I had in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that "someone else might eat the cake before me, if I do not eat it right now in this moment."  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by fear / fear of missing out on cake.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this fear is real and thus be trapped in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that, and define myself as, "impulsive", and therefore there is nothing that I can do to stop myself.  Thus, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that "I am impulsive" as a justification to indulge where common sense, and my body, says that I should not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Jeanne negatively and as presumptuous and assuming when she said "I know you Josh..." and gave me candy.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that Jeanne probably observed some things about me in the past, that I do not want to face as myself.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the point that I am impulsive at times and probably like eating candy much more than I would like to admit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to candy and sweets, and at times eat them far beyond what my physical body can handle.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide the truth of myself and my relationship with candy and treats so that I can not face this because I want to see myself as someone who eats right and is healthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts like "this is not enough.  I need more.  This experience of eating sweets was too fast, too little"  and then use thoughts like this to manipulate myself to eat more and more candy and sweets way beyond the common sense telling me to stop, and also way beyond the feed-back from my physical body telling me to stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry / go into worry about my physical condition as a consequence to my over-indulging - as if worrying is going to help at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat cake and ice cream after eating other sweets, just because I fear not having any in the future.
When and as I see myself in a situation like this in the future, I commit myself to slow down and listen to the common sense that is here already, as me, and eat just a portion that my body can reasonably handle.  I commit myself to remind myself that the equation is simple and my body is the guide in this.  And that is, that very small portions of candy and sweets is always the limit, and that if I get negative feed back from my body, then that is definitely where I cut if off.
When and as I see myself going into impulsiveness, where I am compelled to do something beyond the limits in common sense.  I STOP.  I do not accept and allow myself to be and go into the energetic pattern of being impulsive.  I remind myself that I am NOT impulsive.  That I am the breath.  I am here.  I am common sense.  I am the physical.  I am my physical body.  I am the directive principle of me, not impulsiveness.  From here, I commit myself to walk in common sense.

Day 421 Emotional Outburst

Other other day Amy entered the room when I was sitting at the table.  This is the beginning of this moment that I am looking at. 
She sat down beside me and we started talking.  I informed her that I thought that we should add my name to the house so that we could refinance our debt and pay her dad off.  I have already done the math and we would actually reduce our monthly obligations by doing so. 
She had no response.  I was expecting her to agree in the moment.  She continued to look out the window as if considering this but looking like she would disagree more than agree.  I began to feel irritated at this.  Thoughts entered my head like "what's her problem!?  This is a no-brainer.  This is obviously the way we should go!  What the fuck is she thinking about?" 
Then, she finally spoke and she asked "weren't you going to file bankruptcy on your debt?" referring to a previous conversation we had where we explored the bankruptcy option and that I could file in my name only, since the house in not in my name and the credit card debts are.  In that moment, thoughts raced in my head like "Why the fuck is she bringing this up?  Refinancing is obviously the better option!"  Then I remember previous back-chat that I had with myself about how I feel penned up by my f-n-ls generosity (ironically) in buying the house for us free and clear, but only putting it in her name.  Like now, he has a bit of indirect control over me, as a result of this "good deed",  and that I need to get out from under his thumb, so to speak. 
Then I also remembered other previous back chat, of a surreptitious nature, where I conspired with myself to, after the house is in my name, tap the equity to invest in real estate.  Of course, I planned on doing this in the open upon Amy's agreement, but that would be discussed in the future after the refinancing is behind us with her not knowing of my plans before hand. 
So, with this said, with her not appearing to be agreeing here, I felt as if my plans would be stymied, once again feeling trapped.  I also judged her negatively as not being able to think things though and have had previous memories of my judging her so, of which fueled more agitation.
With all this coming up, I had a moment available to me where I could breathe, but instead went into an emotional outburst of anger where I slightly raised my voice in pitch and volume, and said in a harsh tone with tense body language, things to the nature of "refinancing is the best choice and you are stupid for not seeing this" although those words were not specifically used, that is what my words equated to.
She then, to my surprise, agreed that if her dad is ok with my proposal, then she would be ok with it.  She then confided that she was having an adverse physiological response to my attitude, that I cannot describe here, where I reacted to with quilt and shame because I was already aware that my words and actions where harmful, especially to her, because of her pre-existing condition that precludes her from being able to handle stress on a physical level, even verbal stress, like most people.
I apologized with sincerity.  The conversation ended amicably.  She walked out of the room.  The moment ended.
Note:
This is one example a pattern that I go into, where I get irritated and / or agitated, then when a certain trigger comes up, I go into an emotional outburst, of anger and / or defensiveness, then feel bad about it and calm down.  It is usually short-lived and does not escalate beyond verbal things like higher-pitched voice, being loud, talking fast and harshly, with tense unapproachable body language.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that Amy should agree with me in the moment that I make a proposal to her, immediately and with enthusiasm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when waiting on her response, react with thoughts like "what's her problem!?  This is a no-brainer.  This is obviously the way we should go!  What the fuck is she thinking about?" as a reaction to her not responding the way I expected her to.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that these thoughts are of me, as who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with irritation and frustration, fueled and charged by these thoughts, and also memories of the past, charged with these emotions, where I remember Amy not acquiescing the way I expected her to.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this irritation and frustration is me and is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with thoughts like "Why the fuck is she bringing this up?  Refinancing is obviously the better option!" and also react in agitation, irritation, and frustration, to Amy's question: "weren't you going to file bankruptcy on your debt?"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate back-chat about how I feel penned up by my f-n-ls generosity in buying the house for us free and clear, but only putting it in her name.  And that, he has a bit of indirect control over me, as a result of this "good deed",  and that I need to get out from under his thumb, not realizing that this is concocted bullshit that exists only in my mind that fuels and charges emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think, and perceive that I am trapped, and to react emotionally to this.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the only "trap" that I am in, is the trap of the mind that I created for myself through my own self-dishonesty.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility to free myself from this trap, that is me as ego, one breath at a time, breath-by-breath, with consistent application in and as applying self-honesty in every moment.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the trap that I have trapped myself in, so that I can hide and not take self-responsibility.  Within all of this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that participating in this type of back-chat fuels and charges emotional reactions in the future, further trapping myself.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress frustration, irritation, and anger towards this, as memories in and as my physical body..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold secretive plans as a way to entertain and delude myself that I am some sort of maverick that will free himself of this "trap" through conquest and domination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold plans of a surreptitious nature, where I conspire with myself to, after the house is in my name, tap the equity to invest in real estate; in-spite, of everyone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and then feel as if "my plans are being stymied" as a reaction to her appearing (to me as within and as my perception) to "not be agreeing with me".  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in frustration and anger towards her for not being agreeable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I judge Amy negatively as not being able to think things though in this moment and in the past, not realizing that she is her own person and comes to her own conclusions, and that my conclusions are not always best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, with all this coming up, not take self-responsibility to stand as the breath of Life, when I had a moment available to me to do so, but instead went into an "emotional outburst of anger" where I slightly raised my voice in pitch and volume, and said in a harsh tone with tense body language, things to the nature of "refinancing is the best choice and you are stupid for not seeing this".
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I feel dis-empowered, to do anything about my "situation" which is otherwise known as the point of "feeling trapped"   Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my anger reaction is a form of false "empowerment", where I give myself the illusion of empowerment, like I am doing something about my situation, but it is not real and my starting point is dis-empowerment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with surprise when Amy said "she  agree if her dad is ok with my proposal", as a response to my anger reaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with guilt, when she then confided that she was having an adverse physiological response to my attitude, of which, guilt, does nothing to support her as me as Life, and is derived from relationship obligated bullshit that upholds consciousness as relationships.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into a guilt reaction because I "already knew" that my words and actions where harmful, especially to her, because of her pre-existing condition that precludes her from being able to handle stress on a physical level, even verbal stress, like most people.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand, that the proper action is to take self responsibility in every moment of breath, as the awareness of the breath, to thus stop these thoughts and reactions, as they come up, remaining here as the breath as her as me, where I can be supportive and we can have a conversation that is productive and mutually beneficial, and where guilt is not required nor ever gone into for any reason whatsoever.
When and as I see myself even getting close to a situation like this, where reactive thoughts and judgments are entering into my mind along with emotional reactions such as irritation, frustration, agitation, and anger, especially if this is coming up from memories of the past which are a red-flag because I realize that memories can be emotionally charged - I STOP.  I commit myself to slow myself down through breathing as a precaution to stop reacting before it gets out of hand.  I remind myself that these thoughts, judgments, irritations, frustrations, and agitation are not me.  I then,
commit myself to step in and direct these points, when and as they occur, as the awareness of the breath that is me as all as one as equal, with the intent of remaining calm and stopping when and as I have that opportunity to STOP within and as applying myself in the moment of breath.  I commit myself to, as Me as the self directive principle of Me, to stop the thoughts and emotional reactions, through bringing my breathing into and as my awareness as me - remembering that these thoughts and emotions are NOT me, not who I really am of Life, and that I am not the mind.  From here, I commit myself to have a conversation in equality in and as the breath, considering the other as me.

Day 420 - Addiction

Today is 4/20 - a notorious day for marijuana.  Thus, I will give my tribute to marijuana and all drugs for that matter today.  Here's to you, drugs:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and build synchronized relationships within and as my mind, with substances such as alcohol and drugs, as addictions where I believe that "I cannot live without them", thereby charging up my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not have drugs and alcohol in my life, that then I will not be fully living.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what won't be fully living without drugs and alcohol is my mind, as it needs relationships with things outside of itself to feel alive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to the highs and lows of drug addiction, believing that this is "real living" and that I "feel alive".  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase after the experience of "feeling alive".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up the characters in my mind, letting them out of their cage, if you will, making them stronger, through getting drunk with alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crystalize my suppressions within and as my physical body, making my suppressions part of my physical expression, thus becoming my suppressions - through my use of marijuana.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of boredom, believing that it is real, and then react in fear to being bored - and then go into the desire to use drugs and alcohol to make it all better.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought / idea / belief / perception that "life is boring without drugs and alcohol."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sex is better using marijuana and other drugs, not realizing that this is so because up until now, my sex life has been none other than an energetic exercise of the mind and not a real physical expression, revealing that I have yet to develop real self-intimacy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify and use drugs and alcohol for better sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself using marijuana and other drugs and alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to "fit in" and thus justify having even a little alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that becoming addicted and dependent on drugs and alcohol, which is forming synchronized relationships with drugs and alcohol in my mind, only shows me that I am emotional, and thus attempting to suppress my emotions and hide from myself, of which is silly because when the drugs where off, I am back to where I started but with even a bigger problem than before because the illusionary characters of my mind are even stronger than before - creating monsters and demons to deal with, as a consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need something more than who I am and what is here as me as the breath of Life, in order to be happy and feel good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek and chase after the experience of "feeling good" by using drugs and alcohol, and thus subject myself to endless cycles of feeling bad, then ok, then good, then back to bad and on and on and on until I use up my battery, which is my physical body, and then die and become nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body with drugs and alcohol as this is extra shit to deal with stressing my organs and glands and nervous system.
I commit myself to stand as life, as the breath, as the physical, here, where I do not need anything outside of myself to make me happy or feel good and to show that Life needs nothing outside of itself to be whole and complete.
I commit myself to live as the living word, where I do not seek the fulfillment of myself through outside experiences because I am already living it.
When and as I see myself going into the desire to use drugs and alcohol, I stop and I breathe.  I remind myself that these desires and thoughts are not me, that I am the breath / the physical and am already living life as I am Life, and therefore there is no need to make me happy with something outside of myself such as drugs and alcohol.
I commit myself to sort out and stop the emotional nature of my mind as the characters that I have created that talk me into self sabotage, one by one and breath by breath so that I can stop E-moting once and for all and live here, as the character that is the main character as the living flesh, in need of nothing outside of self to make me happy or feel good.

Day 419 - Regret

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the fear of regret influence me and my decision to live as the physical in all ways equal and one.
I forgive myself that I have have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the potential of living and experience the fulfillment of the desires of my illusionary characters that I have created in my mind separate from what is actually here as the physical, as real flesh.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have "free" choice to seek happiness and fulfillment where the I as my ego wins by getting what it wants, not realizing that within doing that, I have to allow everyone the same "right" which is impossible because there are always winners and losers as a result, when everyone is blindly seeking their own way, competing for resources.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary characters in my mind where I am the main star of the show and "god" of my imaginary existence where consequences for my indulgences do not exist, and then attempt to impose these imaginary characters on actual physical reality, and then if I "loose" within the point of not getting what I want and desire, then I go into regret / regreting that I did not get the fulfillment and realization of my desires of my imaginary characters that exist in my mind separate from what is actually here as the pain and suffering of most of existence as consequence of this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply myself with absolute determination, dedication, and discipline, in every breath, to stopping my mind and all of its imaginary characters that I created through the opinions that I form, in every moment of breath, , as if I have a right / a birth rite when in fact I have no right ignoring the reality of what is here as a consequence of this as the extensive abuse here on this planet happening to the "loosers" on the other side of this equation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse and use my physical body like a battery to fuel and charge the imaginary characters in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live as the main character, here, as the living flesh, but instead live as the characters that exist in my mind that end suddenly because the energy source is no longer, when the flesh dies and returns to the earth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into keeping the characters of my mind going just so that I can experience the fulfill the desires of these characters just so that I wont "regret" not doing so - when in fact regret will always by part of my experience because it is rarely, if ever, that the illusionary world of my characters is actually fulfilled in physical reality - and that within this, the only regret that I need to take seriously, is the regret that I will suffer at death for not standing as the real character that is the living flesh, as the awareness of the flesh, that I had chances and chances to do so throughout out my life, but instead chose to live as the characters in my mind.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and mind controlled by the point of "regret" as self manipulation.
I commit myself to stopping all the characters that exist in my mind as they are nothing but illusions and delusions of granduer.
I commit myself to stopping the point of regret in one breath when and as it comes up and commit myself to remain here as the main character that is the living flesh as who I really am.
I commit myself to stop living as illusionary characters of ego creation to fulfill desires which is of separation and the mind and causes extensive abuse because everyone cannot be a winner in this if everyone is doing the same thing, which is just common sense - thus I commit myself to stop being an abuser of life, to just live the imaginary characters of my mind - wherein I am never really fulfilled because these characters never, if rarely, have their desires realized because what is actually physical reality is not equal and one with the imaginary reality of the mind.
When and as I see myself going into the point of regret, I stop and breathe.  I look at this as an opportunity to source out another character that I am living in separation from what is actually here as the physical - that I can then stop so as to align myself within and as the main character that is my flesh.

Day 418 - The Flow

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move myself with "flow" of my day with absolute discipline and determination, where I move myself undeterred completing the task at hand moment by moment, breath by breath, as the breath, from when I wake up in the morning until I go to bed -- doing the same thing every day until I accumulate myself into the best possible version of myself as Life, birthing myself, as Life, from the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resistance to the flow of my day, and not move in absolute discipline and determination from point to point, starting with getting up at 5:00 AM, then writing self forgiveness, then getting dressed, then driving to work using that time to do self forgiveness, then applying myself at work with absolute discipline and determination giving everything that I have, then driving home doing more self forgiveness and breathing exercises with that time, then when at home tending to chores, my boys, my wife, my pets, making dinner, then bed-time 9:15 PM - the same every day, moving with the flow of the day in absolute determination and discipline, breath-by-breath, moment-by-moment, until it is done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the flow of the day by desiring to do something that is not in the designated time-slot of the day.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that moving with the flow, within doing what is here for me to do now, in every moment of breath, is the key to aligning myself with every "here" moment, where I do what needs to be done immediately giving everything that I have, and therefore not living in a relationship with a future projected image of myself through intention, or in memories of the past through regret / regretting not acting when I had the opportunity.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the power of moment by moment and breath by breath accumulation, where I move myself to act and accomplish each and every task at hand when and as it comes up with absolute discipline and determination - which is going with the flow - and within that, one-by-one, breath-by-breath - I enable myself and empower myself to live what is best for all life, as all as one as equal, as the breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I cannot do it all right now in this moment that then I cannot do it at all, instead of going with the flow of my day and doing what I can in the moment and the time that I have available to me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to squander my time that I could have been moving with the flow, breath by breath and because of this I have been accumulating myself into and as the mind, instead of Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into regret and despair if I miss the flow not realizing that within this I am living in the past and trapped within my mind.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to simply bring myself back here, to the awareness of the breath, and then apply myself to move with the flow once again - as Life gives me chances over and over again.
I commit myself to move with absolute determination and discipline with the flow in order to maximize my time and bring myself "here" in every moment of breath where I live within and as the presence and the awareness of the breath, not in the past or the future -- wherein I can then accumulate myself into the best possible version of myself - which is Life, wherein I can gift myself the gift of Life.

Day 417 - The Rock

"First you must make a DECISION. Within the Decision there must reside an Absolute DETERMINATION to Manifest it (the Decision).

The DECISION is your Starting Point and your Termination point, thus the need for the Absolute deTERMINATION.

Your Determination will be seen within your DEDICATION. If there is no Dedication, then the Determination is not real - and you will get nowhere because the Decision wasn't truly made.

From your Dedication you will manifest yourself as DISCIPLINED.

From your Discipline you will start a process of ACCUMULATION -- and thus, step by step, breath by breath, you will start to Produce Results that are aligned with your initial Decision." - Bernard Poolman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the past, have made the Decision to stand in equality in all ways as Life, but to have not the determination to carry it through to manifest it as evidenced in my lack of dedication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that absolute determination is required to withstand the storms of the mind as the revenge of the ego will do everything possible to bring me into submission to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to forgive every thought, feeling, and emotion that I participate in, in real-time, so as to not allow it to accumulate into mind control.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what I do not forgive, I suppress and am thus controlled by it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live dedication to the point where I develop myself into and as discipline from which I can then begin the process of accumulation over time, breath-by-breath, step-by-step, wherein I will begin to produce results that are aligned with my initial decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a tree that does not bear the fruit of Life.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, understand, and live the infinite wisdom within the saying "you will know them by their fruit"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the tree of "knowledge of good and evil" which is tainted with the poisons of self interest and profit and brings death, instead of seeking the tree of Life which bears the fruits of Life and Equality, and within that, real peace, and real joy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall "prey" to the storms of the mind when and as that inevitable moment comes where the "revenge of the ego" pulls out "all the stops" to retake its thrown and test my determination, and initial decision, of which if I do not stand absolute in my determination - then I fall and then dedication and discipline will not manifest as my living expression, and then as a consequence, I will accumulate seed that will produce bad fruit.

I forgive myself that I have neglected to hear the infinite wisdom in the words "Therefore anyone who hears these words of mine and acts on them is like a wise-man who built his house on the rock.  The rain fell, the torrents raged, and the wind blew, and beat against that house, but it did not fall, because its foundation was on the ROCK."

I commit myself to build my house on the rock of absolute determination wherein I live determination, thus terminating the patterns of the mind, breath-by-breath, one by one, moment by moment until it is done.

I commit myself to manifest myself as discipline from my dedication and determination to carry out my initial decision, and starting point, to stand as all as one as equal / equal in all ways - from where I can begin the accumulation process that will bear the fruit of Life.

I commit myself to build my house on the rock of self-honesty, self, forgiveness, and self application -- but a self application that is upon the rock of absolute determination - wherein I apply my self in all ways equal and one with my initial decision to stop the mind and birth myself as Life, from the physical - in this one life time - to then stand as the living example of the potential of man - breath-by-by breath, until it is done.

I commit myself to build my house on the Rock of taking immediate action as if my Life depended on it and it was my last day because in fact - my last day will indeed come like a thief the night.

Day 416 - Trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to place my trust within other human beings, institutions, religions, schools, politicians, police, military, fields of study, ancient philosophers, systems, etc in and as my world.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that in placing my trust within another, that this act is an act of separation of self, which is self-dishonesty because who I am as one as equal as myself is here in and as every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that in defining my trust separate from myself within another human being(s), that this is an act of separating me from myself; and within this I am self-dishonest.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that placing my trust outside of myself in another separate from me, is in-fact supporting relationships of the mind thus enslaving me to consciousness / the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap other beings in a relationship formation, with words, definitions, and expectations such as "I trust you".
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as self-trust, but instead have attempted to form relationships with beings outside of myself by placing my trust in them, in separation of myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the self created illusion / delusion of relationships established in placing my trust as defined within and as another will eventually fall because it is not real - because no one can really in-fact be trusted in relationships as consciousness.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I cannot really trust anything or anyone outside of me - my trust is here, as self, as who I am in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that placing my trust outside of myself as defined within and as another - is really just an excuse to not face my own fear of myself for not taking self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take self responsibility to remain here as who I really am in every breath, as the breath.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live self-honesty and self-responsibility as who I really am in every breath - where I remain "here" as the sound harmonic expression of Life as life, as the living word in every moment of breath, of which is the act of taking self responsibility and living what is best for all.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in a "god" or other beings and institutions to act in the best interest for all because I have not developed self-trust within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my trust is here, as self, as who I am and it is self-dishonesty to place my trust outside of myself within another or another point in and as my world.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that any relationship of trust outside of myself is doomed to fail because it is in and of energy / consciousness which eventually ends, while I as the living word, remain infinitely.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that placing and defining my trust outside of myself, instead of within and as myself, is just a "cop-out" because I fear taking self responsibility - of which this fear exists within and as me because of my acceptance and allowances over time that accumulate as memories stored within and as my physical body wherein I lived self-dishonesty repeated over time - by not remaining here in every breath as who I really am, as the living word.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed to see, realize, and understand that when and as I follow the energy of my mind - that I fuck myself over in the department of self trust because I am living self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the actual starting point of placing my trust outside of myself is FEAR / fear of self. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear / react in fear to myself / to who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as consciousness.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress this fear by manipulating others and myself through / within and as relationships of trust / placing trust outside of myself - to apparently do something that I do not trust myself to do, be, or become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to my own self-honesty and self-responsibility and then to manipulate others through relationships of "trust" to cover up and suppress this fear of myself creating compounding emotions, and feelings, definitions, expectations, and pictures within and as the mind supporting myself as the mind further fucking myself over as the mind.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that "trust" is the relationship line / thread that connects beings in and as consciousness / as mind consciousness systems manifesting and supporting this existence of separation.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am living self-dishonesty from my very starting point of placing trust outside of myself within and as another - thus., within this. the mere act of placing trust inside of myself as myself is an act of self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear of living as self trust
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear of living as self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear of taking self-responsibility for who I am in every breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself up to be able to "blame" others through placing my trust outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to believe that I am not responsible for every single facet of this entire world and my own world through placing my trust in another, outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and "hide" and not have to stand up and take self responsibility - behind relationships of trusting another outside of myself to do, act, or be something for me / on my behalf - which is bullshit.
I commit myself to live the words "I am self trust" by placing my trust in myself.
I commit myself to live the words "I am self responsibility" by taking self responsibility for who I in every moment of breath.
I commit myself to live self-honesty as who I am in every moment of breath by never accepting and allowing anything less than who I am or another is, of Life - by applying self honesty in every moment of breath - to stop the mind.
I commit myself to break the relationship lines / connections of consciousness enslavement by standing as self trust in every moment of breath as who I really am of Life.
I commit myself to develop self-trust within and as me / as an expression of who I am as the living word through apply and living self-honesty and self responsibility as Life in every moment of breath.

Day 415 - The Intention Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not doing something in the moment that I see that it needs to be done with the justification and intention of doing it later / another time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate through the justification of intention / intending to do or attain something in the future, instead of acting immediately in the moment that I see something needs to be done.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as me / my mind the experience of laziness through repeated procrastination that accumulates as memories within and as my flesh that eventually culminate into and as an energetic / emotional experience of laziness, that I then become addicted to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuses and justifications like "I intend to do this but not now / I plan on attaining this later" instead of moving / willing myself to do something immediately when and as I see that it needs to be done, in the moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lock myself into the future through intention / intending to do something / attain something in the future, instead of doing it in the moment of breath when and as I see that it needs to be done / attained.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lock myself into a future placement of myself with what I "intend" to do, be, or become in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lock myself into a future relationship with myself within my participation in my mind as intention / intending to do, be, or become, or attain something in the future.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my "intent" is thus my relationship between myself and the future, which supports me as consciousness, in separation.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that "intention" is not an expression of support of self as "here", as moment, as breath - because intention locks me into a future relationship with myself within in and as my mind / my mind consciousness system, which causes limitation and control within and as the experience of myself in my world because through my relationship with intention / intending to do something in the future - I thus become separated from what is here as myself in every moment of breath, and then can only see what I plan on doing / being / attaining / becoming in the future within and as the pictures and ideas that exist in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I accept and allow myself to go into the design of intention / intending to do or become something or someone, instead of acting immediately in the moment of breath, that I then enslave myself to the future as projections and past as memories and thus support myself as the mind, enslaving me to my mind.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that intention is of separation - because when and as I accept and allow myself to go into the character of intention / intending to do something / be something / attain something in the future - I thus exist in a future projection of myself as pictures and ideas that exist in my mind, instead of being here as the breath in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the design of intention places me in a controlled, limited, tunnel vision placement of myself in and as my mind, in separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use intention as an excuse and justification to do something that I would rather do, in the moment, while putting off what needs to be done trapping me in the past and the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear of missing out when faced doing something that needs to be done in the moment but would rather do something else.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that through my participation in fear of loss and fear of missing out, as if it were real, I am thus creating myself as loss and missing out because I am enslaving of myself to my mind as fear, and losing and missing-out on myself as Life, as the breath of Life.
I commit myself to thus, when and as I see that something needs to be done - to move myself in the moment of breath, to do it immediately / to get it done.
I commit myself  to stop participation in thoughts such as "I intend / will do this / attain this / become this later / in the future utilizing the breath.
I commit myself to thus act immediately to get something done unless it is not practically feasible to do it immediately.  However, I commit myself to be self-honest in discerning what is immediately practically feasible to do and what is not in the moment that I see that it needs to be done using self honesty, common sense, and basic math in the moment of breath. 
I commit myself to thus set a date in the future to do something only when the math and common sense within and as self-honesty says that it cannot immediately be done and to thus do it immediately when that future moment arises.
When and as I see myself going into the character of "intention", I commit myself, to remember in one breath my self forgiveness here, and then say "I stop - I am not this design".  Then I direct myself to act immediately within and as the moment of breath.