The other day, I saw some candy that a friend of mine bought and gave to me. I did not want it at the time. In fact, I resented the gift. I kind of looked at her like she did not know me if she is giving me this gift and all because I don't like receiving candy as gifts, and I am NOT in to candy!
Anyway, when she gave me the candy, she said "this is your own personal bag, so Amy can't stop you from eating as much as you want, Josh. I know how you are!" With that, I thought to myself "I don't like just eating tons of Candy!" That's not me! She doesn't know me" and then reacted with a little resentment towards her, even judging her negatively for being presumptive and assuming. So, I accepted the candy to be nice, and then put it away somewhere in a cabinet.
Then, a few days later, I saw that candy just sitting there in the cabinet I placed it in, and I grabbed it and started eating the candy. I had a few pieces and thought that it tasted very good. So, I had another figuring that I should just have one more. Then, impulsively, I had yet another, then another, and another, and even more after that until I had so many that my body started feeling weird and not so good. It is hard to explain exactly how my body felt other than just really bad all over, and also warm and tingly but not in a good way. Like, probably something to do with my Kidneys producing too much insulin too fast to deal with the blood sugar going to high too fast, I was thinking, which then I started get scared a bit.
Then if that weren't enough, my brother-in-law just popped over at that time and asked if we had any birthday cake left from the Isaac's b-day party. He said it was really good. Then I remembered "oh yeah birthday cake!" I reacted in fear that it may be almost gone or someone else might eat it", so I opened the frig and there it was. Sitting right in front of me. I already felt bad in my body from the candy and thought that it was not really a good idea to eat cake too at this time, but reached in and grabbed a piece of cake and ate it anyway. If that weren't enough, I added a couple of scoops of ice-cream to the cake too, and ate it all up.
Needless to say, I felt like complete shit after eating all of that and started to worry that maybe I would blow my kidneys out and become diabetic as a consequence. I went to bed early that night and had trouble falling to sleep and worried quite a bit
I have a pattern of being impulsive sometimes, where I over-ride common sense completely to do what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impulsively eat candy, cake, and ice-cream in quantities that is way past what my body can handle over-riding all common sense that I had in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that "someone else might eat the cake before me, if I do not eat it right now in this moment." Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by fear / fear of missing out on cake. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this fear is real and thus be trapped in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that, and define myself as, "impulsive", and therefore there is nothing that I can do to stop myself. Thus, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that "I am impulsive" as a justification to indulge where common sense, and my body, says that I should not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Jeanne negatively and as presumptuous and assuming when she said "I know you Josh..." and gave me candy. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that Jeanne probably observed some things about me in the past, that I do not want to face as myself. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the point that I am impulsive at times and probably like eating candy much more than I would like to admit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to candy and sweets, and at times eat them far beyond what my physical body can handle. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide the truth of myself and my relationship with candy and treats so that I can not face this because I want to see myself as someone who eats right and is healthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts like "this is not enough. I need more. This experience of eating sweets was too fast, too little" and then use thoughts like this to manipulate myself to eat more and more candy and sweets way beyond the common sense telling me to stop, and also way beyond the feed-back from my physical body telling me to stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry / go into worry about my physical condition as a consequence to my over-indulging - as if worrying is going to help at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat cake and ice cream after eating other sweets, just because I fear not having any in the future.
When and as I see myself in a situation like this in the future, I commit myself to slow down and listen to the common sense that is here already, as me, and eat just a portion that my body can reasonably handle. I commit myself to remind myself that the equation is simple and my body is the guide in this. And that is, that very small portions of candy and sweets is always the limit, and that if I get negative feed back from my body, then that is definitely where I cut if off.
When and as I see myself going into impulsiveness, where I am compelled to do something beyond the limits in common sense. I STOP. I do not accept and allow myself to be and go into the energetic pattern of being impulsive. I remind myself that I am NOT impulsive. That I am the breath. I am here. I am common sense. I am the physical. I am my physical body. I am the directive principle of me, not impulsiveness. From here, I commit myself to walk in common sense.
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