Day 105 – Mind Realizations vs. Realizations Walked in Real Time

Looking back, I see that I went through a period of merely having mind-realizations instead of real realizations walked in real-time through writing and also applying what I write when and as the patterns are recurring in order to really stop them. Mind realizations come in the form of 'ah-ha' moments where one has a realization in a moment that one is acting within a pattern, or reacting, etc and not here breathing, yet one does not take the time to sit down and work through that point on paper with self-forgiveness and then apply the corrective application to both expand one's awareness of the point and then truly stop.

I was going through a time where I felt that I would be 'wasting time' if I were to go back and write out the points/realizations that I would have in a moment of time because I was already there, so to speak. Yet, there was no real change occurring as the points would inevitably come up again.

So, I was just fooling myself and setting myself up for massive time-loops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in mind-realizations, meaning realizations of the mind and not of me walked in real-time of and resulting in a real self-awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that certain points are not 'worth' writing out. And within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that a simple 'ah-ha' moment is not a true realization, but of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am making any progress settling for mind realizations.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that an 'ah-ha' moment is of the mind as a result of my programming with knowledge and information, and that I have been 'falling' for this due to my own laziness and resistance to process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can 'fall' for something which is a way to blame something else for my own acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to short-cut process instead of working through my points of laziness and resistance to process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that resistance only exists within and as the mind, and therefore can be changed through self-forgiveness and corrective application walked in real-time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for mind realizations believing them to be real so as to justify my position of not wanting to participate in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist process because it is not stimulating and then to have my mind aid me in this resistance by offering-up mind realizations in the form of 'ah-ha' moments in place of real realizations that come from writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life directed by running to positive energy/stimulation and running from negative energy/boredom, and to as a result find ways to fool myself into chasing the positive/stimulative as a way to not have to face myself.

When and as I have a mind realizations 'ah-ha' moment, I stop my participation in the identified pattern or emotion or feeling through breathing, and then I make a mental note or even a written note, and then return to write that point out at a latter time. I then, through writing self forgiveness and then walking the correction in real-time, really stop and change myself through the application of real realizations that come from slowing myself down and pulling a point apart so that I can see everything of that point for what it really is.

And thus, I commit myself to slowing myself down through breathing and then writing self-forgiveness so that I can see all the dimensions of a point so that I can walk the proper self-correction in real-time from a starting point of real self-awareness – and really stop myself as the mind, and birth myself as life, here from the physical, in this life.

I commit myself to not settling for a simple 'ah-ha' moment.

I commit myself to pushing through my resistances and applying myself

Day 104 – Self-Corrective Application on This Pattern of Desire and Boredom

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to I realize and accept that who I am is 'here' and that I am equal and one to all that is here.

I realize that accept that who I am is 'here' and that I am equal and one to all that is here through my breathing, and thus I commit myself to breathing naturally, being 'here' as self-presence and self-awareness within and as everything that I touch.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and accept everything outside of self as within self already, and therefore there is no need to 'go there' and 'do that' in order to bring me something or some experience that I already am and have.

Thus, I commit myself to speak self forgiveness in the moment that I have desires to be anywhere but here, and breathe and realize my self-presence and self-awareness 'here' within the application of breathing and stopping my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and understand that the nagging feeling that 'something is not right' and 'I need something more than what is right here' is of the mind, and that participating in these thoughts leads me into/creates manifests an experience of boredom and restlessness, that I then define as 'boredom' within the statement 'I am bored' which then leads me into desires to fill myself with something 'out there' that can alleviate this 'boredom', all of which is of the mind and the energy of thoughts and emotions which I alone create as my experience of myself and of which takes me into the mind separate from what is actually 'here'.

And thus,

I commit myself to taking my directive power back by speaking self-forgiveness in the moment that I have any backchat that 'I need something more than what is here' or an emotional experience of boredom or restlessness because I see, realize, and understand that it is not really what is 'here' and that this experience is of the mind.

I commit myself to, instead of going into the mind as a solution for this experience of needing something more than what is here, breathing deeply at first, and then naturally so as to lead myself back into the breath and stop the mind and then focus my attention on what is here, how things feel, how my body feels, until the energy of this pattern subsides and I can remain here stable in need of no-thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need something to fill me or fulfill me, and that I have been living a life of desire to have the ultimate experience so that I can feel fulfilled – and within that I forgive myself that I have been living for an energetic experience that never can really fulfill me or complete me because the energy of the experience always subsides and then I am left with nothing – I am left with the negative energy experience of nagging and wanting something more.

And thus I commit myself to stopping this cycle of self-abuse within chasing the positive energy and running from the negative energy of and created by the mind and my participation in my mind, like a dog chasing his tail – I stop, I breathe, and I realize that I am here already in need of nothing to satisfy me, to complete me, or to fulfill me.

I realize that boredom does not exist.

I realize that restlessness does not exist.

I realize that the need to be or do anything to make me feel better about my experience of myself is of the mind and that by chasing this I am giving my power away to the mind, so that I can chase energy and the experience thereof, of which leaves me with nothing. So, I stop.

I realize that by chasing a positive experience of energy that I then give my directive power away and thus loose time to do things that are the most self-responsible, which then leads to outburst of anger as a result of the compounded energy/emotions of feeling guilty for wasting my time. And within this I realize that by chasing the positive and running from the negative, I am being self-dishonest in every-way, which leads to more problems within and as the mind, and emotions and feelings.

I realize, that I am here, already in need of nothing.

Day 103 – Self-Forgiveness On Satisfaction and Fulfillment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this constant, underlying, nagging feeling that something is not right as 'boredom'

I forgive myself that I have defined myself as bored and the experience of myself as boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word boring as negative/bad in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into desire/want for something more than what is here because I have defined my experience of what is here as boring, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not fulfilled because I participate in this experience of a nagging feeling that 'somethings missing' and 'I need something more' – as if I am always 'empty' which is the starting point of not being ful-FILLED and the negative polarity of fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word fulfillment as positive/good, and to judge the word unfulfilled as negative/bad. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my experience of myself withing this constant nagging feeling that something is not right and I need something more as being 'unfulfilled', within the negative polarity of the mind and energy.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by the desire for a positive polarity experience in the search for something more 'out there' to fulfill myself, instead of realizing that I am just simply 'here' and ignoring the psychical reality that I am simple 'here' already fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the 'fool' who seeks to be filled, not realizing that within living that, I am living the starting point of unfulfillment, all within separation, within the mind – ignoring the physical reality of what is actually 'here'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from right 'here' by believing that being right 'here' is not fulfilling because I have participated in the nagging feeling that I need something more than what is 'right here' and defined it as boring and unfullfilling, separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the starting point for this entire boredom construct, which leads to me creating and then chasing desires to fulfill myself, comes from my participating in thoughts that arise within my mind that 'something is not right, and I need something more than what is here' that then lead to the negative energetic experience of the feeling of boredom that I alone create within myself through my participation in the mind. And thus I forgive myself that I have not considered that within this, I can never be fulfilled or satisfied within anything 'out there' because everything 'out there' merely brings me a positive energetic experience that only ends and leaves me back at my starting point of emptiness and lacking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word satisfy as positive/good, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my experience of myself as 'satisfied' or not satisfied'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can never be satisfied so long as I am seeking satisfaction from something 'out there'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my experience of myself and my life with someone else's life and perceived experience of themselves, and then be 'unsatisfied' or even 'satisfied' based on how I rate myself within this comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by pictures in my mind and to be satisfied only at the fulfillment of these pictures of what kind of life I should be living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed by TV and culture as to what kind of life is a satisfying life and that I need to be satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and create a negative experience of myself within defining myself as not satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not satisfied'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the negative polarity of not being satisfied, which then pulls me to create a positive experience of myself within being satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'satisfy' by not living satisfaction as who I am in every breath, and instead running from the negative charge associated with the self-created experience and definition of not being satisfied towards the positive experience of being satisfied within things 'out there' that I have defined as satisfying, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desire to be satisfied originates from my lack of satisfaction, all of which I create within and as my experience of myself within the mind, within energy, within polarity. And thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself trap and limit myself within the mind, within believing that my experience of myself can actually fluctuate within the positive/negative polarity of feelings and emotions outside of what I give my away power to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the energetic fluctuations of the mind wherein I become subject to the energetic feelings and emotions and whims of the mind, instead of reaming right 'here' in every breath simply deleting the thoughts, feelings, and emotions as they come up, taking my power back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a negative experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to define myself as satisfied or fulfilled.

Day 102 – Some Self-Forgiveness On Desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for myself outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from 'here' by searching for myself outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need something more than what is right here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in this 'nagging feeling' that something is not right, especially when things slow down.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look for satisfaction and fulfillment outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to find myself outside of myself, instead of realizing and accepting that I am here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires believing that these desires are who I am and will satisfy this nagging feeling that is a constant experience that I have.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to act on my desires and to believe that it is in my benefit to act on my desires, when actually desires are sexual energy transferred into my mind to distract me from my self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that desires are merely sexual energy transferred into my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from everything and everyone that exists through participating in my desires for something outside of myself to bring me fulfillment, satisfaction, and a sense of completion.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as 'less than' / 'inferior' to others in that I need something 'out-there' to bring me something that I apparently am not already.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that if I desire something, it is because I believe that that which I desire can 'give me' something as though that something is not already who I am.

I forgive myself for not accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in nagging feelings of 'somethings wrong', 'I am not satisfied', 'I am not complete', 'I am not fulfilled', 'I need something more than what is right here' – and to believe that such experiences to be real, to be me and of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be in a relationship with my partner in order to be complete, fulfilled and satisfied.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I am in a relationship, I am still here and I am still me and nothing has actually changed in relation to 'who I am'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need/require to have a sexual orgasmic experience in order for me to be complete, fulfilled, and satisfied with myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that an orgasmic experience only lasts for a moment and then I am back to being with myself and that 'who I am' has not actually changed; therefore, the orgasmic experience did not actually complete, fulfill or satisfy me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my partner through accepting and allowing myself to define my sexual fulfillment within my partner, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my partner through accepting and allowing myself to define my manhood/sense of completion/coolness/sense of superiority within my partner, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from money through accepting and allowing myself to define my success and sense of accomplishment within money, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from chess, and piano, and other hobbies through accepting and allowed myself to define my sense of gratification and satisfaction within these things, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from food, and going out to restaurants to eat good food, through accepting and allowing myself to define my sense of gratification and satisfaction within eating, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from right 'here' by never being satisfied with just being here because I have defined being right here as boring and fulfilling, separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from that word satisfaction by defining myself as satisfied only when I do something 'out there' that brings me a 'positive' energetic experience of myself.

 

Day 101- Desire and How It Relates To Boredom

So, I have covered quite a few points in the last two writings. I have all this in my mind, just floating around, so I thought it would be best to just do a little ranting on the last two posts in relation to this overall point of boredom, which is really a perpetual desire for something more than what is here. So, I will write on those other points in future posts, but as of now, I will write about desire and how it relates to boredom– as this is the point that is the most prominent for me now.

So, basically, I have this nagging feeling that there's something 'wrong' or 'not right' and that I need to go do something 'out there' separate from me to 'complete' myself, to be satisfied with myself. This is where this constant search, that I experience, to be 'fulfilled' and 'satisfied' comes from, especially when things slow down to a point where I do not have an immediate responsibility to carry out, where I am not 'distracted' from this nagging feeling. This experience of myself I define as 'boredom' as in 'I am bored' and therefore I need to find something 'out there' to bring satisfaction and fulfillment to my experience. The things 'out there' that would qualify to bring me satisfaction and fulfillment are things that I have defined as 'exciting' and fun' such as sex, drinking, drugs, socializing, eating, going on trips and vacations, not having to work, playing chess, playing piano, surfing the net, shopping, watching cool movies, etc. The problem is, that after I am done with these 'exciting' and 'fulfilling' activities, I revert back to the 'I need something more' feeling – in fact, its almost as if the 'exciting' and 'fulfilling' activities are more like distractions from a constant, never ending, nagging feeling that there's something wrong or not right.

So, I am on a perpetual search for myself in things 'out there' to bring me a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction and completeness, which can only exist within the starting point of 'I am not complete, satisfied, and fulfilled already'. Therefore within this starting-point, I have separated myself and therefor am searching for myself in other things and activities 'out there' – thus desire is born. This is the very definition of desire. This is when Eve fell, as in the garden of Evil/Eden, when she ate the apple that she desired to make herself more like god, as if she were not already like god – as if she needed anything to make her what she already was. So, I desire the apple - 'things out', there that I have defined in ways that I believe will bring me satisfaction, completeness, and fulfillment, or rather 'happiness', and in going into desire for something more and chasing it, eating the 'apple' in other-words, I fall, like Eve, into separation and lose my equality and divinity, which is my right to life, within the realization that I already am everything that I 'desire'. Because just like Eve, I believe that I need to possess or do those things out there to make me complete, fulfilled, and satisfied because I do not accept myself as already complete, fulfilled, and satisfied.

And this eternal drive for completion, satisfaction, and fulfillment, the desire for something 'more', enslaves me into the separation and limitation of my mind. And I am perpetuating and acting on this desire through my participation in idea and self-definition of 'I am bored'. The interesting point that I would like to add it that, it is almost as if NOTHING really satisfies me, completes me, and fulfills me, like really nothing, not even the things I listed above in this article, and I know this. So, like I am really fucked, as there is really no solution to boredom and the desire for something more, except to stop this bullshit altogether and remain here in every breath. The solution would be to accept myself as whole, complete, and satisfied already as in “I am here' and 'I am equal to and one with all that is here, already', and to stop the search for self outside of self, and assist myself to get there through the door of self-forgiveness.

Day 100 - TieMe up to Fool-Fill (my mo) ment in the Pursuit of the High Penis of Happiness

Tie Me up to time, to be the fool that wants to fill the moment with the energy the of the High Penis of Happiness.

So, to continue from the last post, the relationship between money and the sense of fulfillment and also sex and the sense of fulfillment is very similar within the point that both sex and money give one the ability to fill the moment with energy producing experiences, and thus feel fulfilled, but not realizing that its just a 'fool' being filled with energy and therefore tied to the loss of self, and thus time, or rather then tied to time. You see, because time is money and money brings one access to energy producing experiences, which in its purest forms come in sex. Now that's not to say that sex is 'bad', but rather that the pursuit of sex to feel fulfilled and happy, is really a pursuit of energy, based on pictures and desires, which charges one's experience as a mind-consciousness system. When sex is an expression of self with and as the physical, that is a different story of which is not something that is 'pursued' out of boredom or a sense of being unfulfilled, but rather is something that happens as an expression of self in the moment.

So, thus, we are, I am, in this race against time to get money so that I can have sex, which is the ultimate experience of energy, in a nutshell. This is the pursuit of happiness, the 'high penis (ness)' of happiness. This is why we have a huge Egyptian Bull-Penis Statue in front of the White House. This is why we have the pursuit of happiness written into our constitution with the bull penis in front of the White House – so that everyone can know that our beloved government embodies the symbol of sexsex or rather success which is synonymous with the high-penis of happiness. And we are the fools who look to be are tied-up in regards to our time, so that we can be fool-filled with the high penis of happiness within and as the ever illusive pursuit of money which is one and equal to energy, the energy of the mind.

And that is what I am doing. I am pursuing the energy of the mind within looking to be fulfilled in every moment, thus wasting time and selling myself out to the most energy producing experience that I can find at any given moment. Thus, I am a prostitute to energy and I sell my time, or rather I tie myself to time, looking for it. And that is why I feel guilty about it, and anxious when it comes to my time. Because I only have so much time to get this energy and because I know deep down that I am selling out for it. Just like a prostitute sells his body for sex, I sell myself out to time for money to buy things that make me feel fulfilled thus happy, and it would be sex in every moment if I had the money for it because this is the highest energy that money can buy. And that is why porn is so popular and pervasive, because it is our own secret desires and fantasies to be able to access this energy constantly – we would all be porn stars if we had the money to do so.

Thus, when I get angry at people for wasting my time, it is because I know that I have been selling out and not directing myself in self-awareness in every moment, looking for fool-fill ment. Because if I had been 'here' breathing in every moment, not selling out, I would not get agitated with how long things take to do anything.

So, since it is financially impossible to have sex constantly, I am thus looking for the second best experience in every moment within regards to whatever it is that I have access to within my self-definition. You see, I have charged certain activities as good/positive/exciting and others and bad/boring/negative all so that I can easily sort-out my experience to constantly be leading me to the most energy producing experience I can participate in.

There is a story in the bible about how someone sells his birthright to the kingdom of heaven for a pot of pourage. This is what we are actually doing all day long every day. We are selling our birthrights as life, for the energetic experience of the mind because we believe that the pourage is better. We don't place value in the experience of just simply being 'here', which is the real kingdom of heaven. This is so because we have bought the lie, the lie of the pursuit of happiness. And this is what I am doing, every moment that I miss a breath, I eat the pourage.

Why can't we just be 'here'. What's wrong with just being 'here' How much time would I have it I always did what was the most practical thing to do within common sense and what's best for all, in every moment. Why is everything judged and rated as positive/negative? Why are things not just things? Why is my experience not equal and one with regards to everything that I do? Why have I not realized that the starting point of the pursuit of happiness is UN-happiness / UN fulfillment? Why do I participate in the polarity of happy/unhappy/fulfilled/unfulfilled?

Day 99 Can't Get No Satisfaction

I've been noticing an interesting thing about my days and how I spend my time. When I am busy at work, I have a since of 'focus and fulfillment' overall, yet I still get 'antsy' wherein periodically, I need to take a break to do something else for a brief period of time, because I keep telling myself that what I am doing is not fun and I have a sense of boredom. It is like this sense of 'I need more stimulation' while working (at my job or around the house, etc).

And when I am in a situation where I don't have much to do, then I become fearful almost about this. I go into this battle of should I do this 'responsible' thing or should I do this 'fun' thing and I cannot do 'nothing'! A lot of times, I will choose a mindless activity, where I can get sucked in and forget about myself, and even the decision about what it is that I should do with my free time. Like, instead of even choosing some fun activity, I will just jump on the net and play chess or something. This is where the time fly's by. Where a few hours can go by in a flash, and when its over I am left feeling almost used, like I prostituted myself almost. I have this sense of guilt that follows, like 'how could I have done that?!”

So, like, I am never satisfied really, completely. There is always an element of wanting to be somewhere else, no matter what I am doing. The only time that this is not the case, is when I am playing online chess or a similar type of activity like going to an event with other people at a restaurant or an event, etc, where time literally fly's be because I am completely consumed in the activity. And it seems that this causes me to loose a lot of valuable time because instead of being 'here' and directing myself to do what is best for all in every moment, I am chasing after things to do that make me feel better about the fact that deep down, I really don't feel good about just being here and existing.

Like why can't I just be here and exist? Why do I need to be entertained and distracted? Why do I feel like I have to be entertained and distracted in order to be fulfilled? Why do I have to be fulfilled? Why do I compare my life with others that seem to be more entertaining and fulfilling, and then go into judgment and then jealousy? Why do I believe that there is some law or standard out there that if one does not live a life of excitement and 'fulfillment' then one is missing out and not really living? What affect does this have on my time, really? How much time do I waste because of taking this position of want and need of excitement and fulfillment? Does this lead into other areas of guilt and anxiety over the fact that I know that I am not using my time the most effectively that I can because I am chasing fantasies in my mind?

And is this what everyone is doing? Is this why we have such a huge entertainment industry? So that we can be distracted from the dissatisfaction that we all experience when things slow down? Is this why freaking football players get paid millions of dollars and live in mansions while billions of people starve to death? This is so because I/we cannot just simply be here in the simplicity of breath in every moment? Is this so because I/we need something more than ourselves?

Its like, I need something more than, myself and what is here, almost constantly. Like, my entire life is devoted to chasing after the ultimate moment, the moment of complete satisfaction. And every now and then it happens, I am completely satisfied! LOL. Then it ends! Fuck!. Then I have to chase it again. Then that is what sex has come to be about, right?! Its the ultimate high. But then it ends! Then I need more. Then I am not happy with being right here. Then I go for the second best high, whatever that is for the moment, unless I can have constant sex, which I cannot.

I think that really, I just want to have sex 24 hours per day. No, I don't want that. I want to have sex throughout the day, take breaks to eat the best food on earth, and then go back and have sex again, wake-up after sleeping in the most comfortable bed possible, and then do it again! LOL. That would be fucking living!

So, its the pursuit of happiness. Its the pursuit of gratification, that is written right into our constitution. Its our way of life – to be satisfied. Its our economy, consumerism – which gives us the ability to cover our sense of un-satisfaction with material objects. Consume, consume, consume, destroy, destroy, destroy. You see, because when one consumes, one also destroys because everything that is made comes from somewhere and goes somewhere after it is used. But within the simple act of consuming, one does not care about that, one only cares about the sense of gratification one gets in the moment that that thing that one is consuming is giving him/her.

So, I am pursuing happiness by consuming as much as possible so that I can always feel like I am living, yet I am never happy when the consuming ends. I just need more. And so, hence, my life of never being satisfied and always living for the next moment, for the next high – never being 'here' and happy with just being 'here'. Why am I per-programmed to believe that I need something more than what is right 'here' in this moment? Why do I accept and allow this to go on within and as me while I see that the destruction of this planet is the consequence?

JTL Day 98 – Fear Takes You Far From 'Here'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not going into fear

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear just being 'here'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not participate in fear, that what I fear might actually happen to me.

I forgive that I've not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that fear is a per-programmed reaction, of the mind.

I forgive myself that I've ignored the realization that the fear serves no purpose.

I forgive myself that I've not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that participating in fear actually increases the chances of what I fear happening.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the simplicity in practical solutions as the solution, instead of fear as a solution.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear loss.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of money.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear for my survival.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to pay my bills.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for money.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen by others as unable to and unfit to survive in this world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the money system of this world – capitalism

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of what I have.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the central bankers.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear ignorant people

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge people as ignorant.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to charge the word 'ignorant' as bad/negative in separation of myself as that word.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being ignorant.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the way people talk.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear big men.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear needles.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the modern medical association.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear vaccines.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear and judge as 'stupid' those who take vaccines.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my own mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my memories.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to transcend/escape/stop my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my own self-awareness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the solution of breathing and being 'here'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of my partner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear who I would be without my partner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not having anything to do.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being able to 'stimulate' my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the word 'stimulate' as positive/good in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear doing certain activities because I have judged them as 'boring' and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my time by only doing distracting things out of fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear writing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear death and dying.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear having a heart-attack.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to walk.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to have sex.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear growing old.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear going bald.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear what others would think if I am bald.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not pursuing a life of self-interest.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear those who I've judged as 'ignorant' to believe that they are 'right', and within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into rebuttals when I hear something spoken of ignorance, instead of remaining 'here' and breathing and engaging within others as myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not being 'right'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear others thinking that I am 'wrong'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear war.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear power.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being tortured.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being stabbed to death.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the oceans beings polluted with trash and radiation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear HAARP and chemtrails.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being bored.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that boredom exists.

I forgive myself that I've not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that everything that exists is in-fact self, and that within that everything that I fear is actually self – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.

I forgive myself that I've not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that fear is made-up within and as my mind and does not exist separate from my mind.

I forgive myself that I've not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that fear is a program of the mind to keep me in my mind-consciousness placement in this world of separation and slavery.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being 'wrong'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am equal to and one with that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to question my own fear.

I realize that I am not fear.

I realize that fear serves no purpose.

I realize that fear is not a solution.

I realize that fear keeps me trapped in the mind.

I realize that fear keeps me from realizing myself as all as one as equal, as who I am.

I realize that fear is a program of the mind.

I realize that fear is self-created.

I realize that fear is not real unless I give it life by giving up my 'life' as all as one as equal.

And thus, I commit myself to stand up within and as my fear when it comes up, and embracing the fear as me, not suppressing the fear within the point of denial that it exists, but embracing it as who I am in that moment; and then breathing and stopping the fear/the patterns of fear of the mind as I experience them and standing up as life, of no fear.

JTL Day 97 – Self-Correction on Anger, Continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my time can be wasted, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea of my time being wasted become a trigger for me to go into the emotional experience of impatience that then leads into an expression of anger.

When and as I react with impatience and then anger because I feel that my time is being wasted, and become angry and then blame that which I exert my anger at for my time being wasted, instead of looking at myself in where I have been self-dishonest with my time, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that if I am 'here' as breath in every moment directing myself as me 'here', not giving in/or creating any form of energetic systems/resistance of the mind to what it is that I need to do – but simply doing it in the moment that it needs to be done, that within living that – I would not have any reaction to an 'outside' force 'imposing' on my time because I would be 'here' already with time, as time, directing time as me to be the most effective with my time, in every moment.

When and as I go into the emotional reaction of anger because of my participating in back-chat in relationship to any trigger, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that anger is form of blame.

I realize that anger is from a starting point of self-dishonesty.

I realize that anger already exists within and as me before any thing triggers it.

I realize that what triggers my anger shows me areas specifically to look at within myself within that standard of equality and 'hereness'

I realize that my anger is really anger at and with self.

I realize that I am perpetuating that which exists that I am angry at through my anger.

I realize that I am separating myself into and as my mind by reacting in anger.

I realize that anger does not really exists, and that I have the power to stop and breath and say 'till here no further!'

And thus,

When and as I see a reaction of anger within me, and then certain triggers come up, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to react/generate/fuel and exert the anger within me. Instead I use this anger as a flag-point so that I can know that I am being self-dishonest and also see specific areas that I need to direct within awareness.

And thus,

I commit myself to stopping my reactions of anger and the back-chats that lead-up to the experience of anger through breathing in/breathing in the reactions and back-chats, and then breathing out/breathing out the reactions and back-chats, until I am clear.

I commit myself to when and as I have the back-chat that 'I cannot go without a reaction in anger', to breath in this back-chat, and then breath it out or my mind – and I do not allow myself to speak or move any further within me until I am clear, and 'here'. Then I direct myself to the most practical solution for the given situation.

I commit myself to stopping all reactions in anger through breathing, speaking self-forgiveness in the moment, and also through establishing self as self-honest in every way and in every moment, here, in real-time.

I commit myself to explore my reactions in anger that I cannot stop through further investigating my fears, areas of self-dishonesty, and why I react in anger.

JTL Day 96 – Self-Forgiveness on Anger

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that anger already exists within and as me because of shame for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and because I accept points of self-dishonesty to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my anger has nothing to do with the certain 'triggers' that set-off my anger, but that my anger already existed, suppressed, within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the triggers, that set-off my anger, for my going into anger.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that many times before I go into anger, especially when I am facing a point that usually sets off my anger, I know it in advance that I will be angry – indicating to me that my anger does in fact already exist independent from that said trigger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with and exert my anger, that already exists within and as me, at certain defined triggers and points within my world due to my existing within and as fear, need, want, and desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anger actually exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to exert anger onto anther instead of realizing that this anger is already within me, as me – because of my participation in thoughts, back-chats, desires, fears, and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept anger within anther and thus validate the anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be validated within myself to react with anger to someone who is exerting their anger at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with the money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with and exert my anger towards peoples 'willful ignorance and support of the money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with spirituality and religion, in separation of myself – not seeing that these things exists because I accept and allow these systems to exist within and as me. And thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at those who justify hunger, starvation, and any form of economic inequality because 'we cannot do any better' or 'this is the best system we have'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with and exert my anger towards people who 'waste my time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my time being wasted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for wasting my time and within this justify myself to exert my anger at them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the loss of money, or potential loss of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for any loss of money that I may experience as justification for me to exert my anger on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the way people talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger at the way people talk.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at and exert my anger at being lost while driving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the media and the lies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at people falling for and repeating the lies of the media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at humanity and within this anger to blame humanity for its current manifested existence, in separation of myself as humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the government and all forms of authority.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that exerting my anger to someone or something separate from me is a statement of blame.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that anger exists within me because I am not allowing myself to take self-responsibility for me in living self-honesty in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with and exert my anger towards conservatives and liberals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with people who define themselves as conservatives and liberals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with and exert my anger towards people who define themselves as anything; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with people not realizing the absurd limitations one places on self through defining oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with people's ignorance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with and exert my anger towards those who justify the rich being rich while people starve within the ideal of competition and the blaming of the poor as the 'losers' for their condition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger towards points in my world through blame, instead of realizing that it is the systems, the mind, that I am accepting and allowing to exist within and as me that I am merely seeing expressed within these points within my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, hold-on to, and exert my anger towards my world and points within my world as a point of blame, in separation of all as one with and as me, thereby negating my self-responsibility towards everything as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this very existence as it is through my anger.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I become angry at certain points within my reality as a way to exert the emotional build-up of anger that already exists within and as me. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know, in advance, when an expression of anger is building within me, and to let it out anyway through the justification of blame/blaming someone/something else outside me for my anger – as way/excuse to release this emotional build-up of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of money and my ability to take care of myself and my family within this world, and then to express my anger at points in this world that I perceive to 'threaten' me within this.

JTL Day 95 – More On Anger

So, I had an outburst of anger the other day. I tend to have this happen every so often when I am at work and faced of a points of potential loss of money, or when I feel controlled within regards to my time. I also have outbursts of anger, occasionally, at home. However, these are far less than at work, as I do my best to suppress this, for one; and also, I find that my home and personal life, to be far less of a trigger for me than when work. Plus I can't get away with outbursts of anger as much at home as I can at work. Now at work, of course, there are only certain people that I can have these outbursts with and get away with it, for instance, my vendors and shipping companies. I can let my anger out at them, but they still have to come back for more because I'm paying them; and I know this. Also, my granite fabricator. I allow outbursts with him because this seems to be an acceptable way to talk to him as modeled by my boss and the fact that my fabricator just takes this. I also have outburst of anger while driving by myself, when I get lost. This is quite hilarious actually. Like how ridiculous is that. I actually resort to anger as if this can help me find my way around, or as if the roads and the city that I am lost in are to blame.

So, its like I am two people. I am this nice guy to my friends, family, neighbors, customers, and people with authority over me, but people that need something from me, and that I can get away with it, I tend to allow outbursts of anger, here and there. So, I would have at least two different descriptions of who I am based on who you ask to describe me.

Another interesting point is that just before the outbursts come-on, I am like in this decision mode where I see it coming and then I have the opportunity to decide to let it out or not. I decide to let it out, because its like a wave of emotion that I feel I just can't stop. However, while going through the experience of anger, I am thinking to myself 'why the fuck am I allowing this?'

Another point to consider is that I am not really angry at what I am projecting my anger towards. I am angry with myself, because of my not being self-honest with myself in certain specific points within my world, and suppressing that anger. So, which points in my world have I not been honest with me? Because I see, realize, and understand that anger is the outflow of me not being honest with me in my starting point in every moment, which culminates in anger, that is then released within certain triggers.  And these outbursts and triggers are pretty cool, because they show me that I am suppressing anger within and as me, so that I can address it and forgive it. 

I will pick up on this tomorrow.

JTL Day 94 – Stopping Outbursts of Anger as a Solution

Yesterday I spent almost 4 hours with FedEx trying to get a package shipped to me. It all started at about 8am when I received an email from one of my suppliers that they needed me to set-up and pay FedEx to ship a package from them to me. This pissed me off as I was thinking 'why are they asking me to pay and spend my time setting up a delivery for them?'. I also was fearful that if I might have to spend a lot of time doing this as I don't have a FedEx account and have no idea how to do this.

It turns out my fears came to pass as this took almost 4 hours to do. In the process of this I had 2 breakdown points where I yelled at the FedEx guy and also my supplier. I was trying to be cool, but I couldn't help but become angry because I was feeling a lot of pressure on my time and this was taking forever. I didn't want to spend ½ a workday trying to mail a package as this is very unproductive.

I was thinking throughout this process that 'I cannot afford to have my time wasted like this' and 'this should not take so long' and 'this is bullshit' and 'I shouldn't have to be mailing this in the first place' and within all that I was feeling like I was being taken advantage of to a certain extent, and that I was not able to have control over my time, and that I was going to miss-out on other productive things that need to be done. And after this kept dragging out, I finally just broke and yelled at the FedEx guy, within as much self-control I could muster, and he then hung up on me. It was as if I was trying to solve my problem of having my time wasted with resorting to anger. I also yelled at my supplier, but she put me in my place without hanging up. I was like, OK, sorry'.

I felt guilty about letting myself go. I apologized about 10 times. When this whole thing was done, I looked back and was like 'why did I get so upset over this?'. I could have just breathed through it. In fact, the first couple of hours, I was practicing just that. It's after about 2 hours that I started to break-down, like I just had a limit set for how long I would be 'nice' and breathe. After that point, I let out all the emotions. Of course, this is business, so even letting it all out, I am still restrained. I mean, I didn't go ballistic on them of course, because of the potential for adverse consequences. I let out me anger about as much as I thought I could get away with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at how much time it took to mail this package.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed the emotion of anger by participating in thoughts like 'I shouldn't have to spend all this time mailing a fucking package' and 'I shouldn't have to be doing this anyway'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts like 'I shouldn't have to do this or that' and 'this shouldn't take so long'. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations of what my day should be like and then feed the emotion of anger within participating in judgments of what I am doing and if it fits this mold of how 'things should go'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to not live patience as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional reaction of impatience as a solution to feeling pressure because of my participation in the thought that 'my time is being wasted'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional experience of 'feeling pressure' when faced with having constraints on my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'my time is being wasted'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'how dare these people waste my time'

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound emotional energy within me because of my participation in these thoughts and feelings of impatience, anxiety, nervousness in connection with these thoughts, until they eventually build into an outburst of anger.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotions of anxiety and nervousness to the thought and experience of 'having my time wasted'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a justifiable point in-time where breathing and being here is no longer 'effective' and therefore I can just unleash my emotions as a solution to my 'problems'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to build-up emotional energy to the point of outburst because of my participation in thoughts and emotions that I am suppressing up to a certain point.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I cannot just simply be here and breathe through this process no matter how long it takes'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use this belief that 'I cannot just breathe through this' as justification to go into emotions of anger and impatience as a solution to speed up the process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect fear itself to my time being wasted and within this fear react with anger and frustration as a solution.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect fear itself to the idea of 'loosing control of my time / being controlled by others'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional experience of guilt after letting emotional anger out, as if going into guilt is a solution.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional experience of embarrassment within the point of not wanting anyone to know that I reacted this way because I don't want to face myself or see myself as someone who reacts like this.

I realize that I allowed my participation in backchat to feed the emotions of impatience, anxiety, and then anger to build up to a point where I had to release them in the form of outbursts of anger.

I realize that I allowed myself to be directed and controlled by my mind within participating in thoughts and judgments about my time and my time being wasted.

I realize that I allowed myself to directed by my mind as a solution to my problem with my time being wasted instead of remaining here in breath and walking a practical solution within physical application, because of my fear of not letting go of participating in my mind as a solution.

I realize that I allowed myself to be directed by fear as a solution to my 'delimna' with time, as if – 'if I don't go into this fear, then I my time might really be wasted'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'that I will not get the desired result if I don't go into fear and just remain here in breath and walk practical solutions.

I commit myself to stopping my mind, thoughts, feelings, and emotions when faced with constraints on my time, and instead breathing and walking practical solutions.

JTL Day 93 – Giving Up On Myself, Part III

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own resistance to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect resistance to change to fear itself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what I resist, persists as a result of the conflict created from resistance, until stopped with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that resistance is a point required to push in order to facilitate change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be directed by resistance as my backchat, emotional reactions, and feeling tiredness in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider the extensive amount of resistance that I will face when in the process of deleting personality, mind patterns.

I forgive myself that I've not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that resistance can be used as an indicator of self support as confirmation that I am physically pushing a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'give-up' on myself as a solution the resistance that I experience when pushing myself to change, instead of breathing and remaining 'here' stopping my mind, as the solution.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the desire to give up exists of the mind to 'test' my effectiveness and statement of application and awareness of me. And within that, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my giving up and giving into the resistance of my mind indicates to me that my application has not been effective because I accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and consumed by my experience of wanting to give up.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see resistance to change and wanting to give up as gifts, as they are indicators to me, that I am pushing through yet not effective enough in my application when I give in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that within giving up, this indicates to me that my application, my awareness, my statements, what I live, express, and apply – is not effective.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to walk-through the point of giving- up and resistance to change so that I can realize that giving up and resistance do not really exist and I can establish myself and gift to myself life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the words, and not live the words 'strength', 'diligence', 'determination', 'courage' and 'assertiveness' as who I am, by not living these words as me; and instead placing them outside of me, outside of who I am within the point of giving up and giving in to resistance.

When and as I see myself faced with resistance to change and wanting to give up, I stop and I breathe because I do not accept and allow myself to participate in these constructs of the mind that are there to keep me separated within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away within giving up to the resistance of change.

And thus,

I commit myself to stand as the strength, the courage, and determination within and as me to walk through the giving up experience within myself and apply self-forgiveness for wanting to give up, in the moment / in real-time – and say to myself 'I refuse to give up', 'I will not give up' 'This giving up is not who I am'.

I commit myself to stand and walk through the resistance to change as and when it comes up by breathing, stopping my participation in this energetic/emotional experience of resistance to change, and speaking self-forgiveness in the moment, if necessary.

I commit myself to making the following statements to myself when in the moment of being faced with the desire to give up:

'I am not this giving up'

'I will not accept and allow this giving up'

'I am not giving up'

'I am life'

'I direct me'

'I stand'

'I am strength'

'I am diligence'

'I am effective'

'I am assertive'

'I am here'

'I am power'

I commit myself to walking through the door self-forgiveness and self-application to walk through and stand as the transcendence that is me.

I commit myself to being 'grateful' for the experience of resistance and wanting to give up as indicators of where I am not effective so that I can direct myself to apply myself better so that I can make the changes necessary real and live 'here' and stand as life.

When and as I see myself going into the emotional/energetic experience of self-doubt that I am able to figure out and understand and apply myself as life, of no mind, I stop and I breathe – I don't accept and allow myself to participate in self-doubt because I see, realize, and understand that it is not real, and that it just feeds resistance to change and the desire to give-up.

When and as I see myself going into the emotional/energetic reaction of fear to the idea of change and to the idea that my mind is like a locked-cage, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in made-up fears that are there to keep my trapped in the limitation of my mind.

And thus,

I commit myself to breathing and reaming 'here' and stopping the fear of myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become by applying self-forgiveness in the moment and reminding myself that I am not this fear, I am not this resistance. I stand.

JTL Day 92 – Giving Up On Myself, Part II

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that giving up actually exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I actually have the ability to 'give up'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to apply myself effectively in every moment and thus the door of self-transcendence as giving up stands here before me – now I have to decide whether I will stand or fall within this experience of giving up before me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow wanting to give up within my world

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept wanting to give up within me.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that If I accept and allow myself to five up here, everything and all that I have done in the past will come back tenfold and I will have to stand up again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to allow fears and doubt to direct me instead of me directing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to fears and doubts, accepting and allowing myself to believe that the experience of wanting to give up is 'more than' and more 'powerful' than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the idea of 'going into my memories' and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that my 'memories are inaccessible to me'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the idea that 'my memories are inaccessible to me' and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as the experience of my memories being inaccessible within and as the energetic experience of my mind, and then to react to this experience of me as me with the resistance of giving-up.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that resistance is a program that activates within the mind when the mind perceives itself as being 'threatened', and within this experience of resistance, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this resistance is real and therefore that it is 'me' who is failing and that it is 'me' who cannot do this.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, understand, and consider that the resistance that I am experiencing as the point of wanting to give up when investigating my memories is because memories is one of the primary ways in which the mind is controlling me and that my mind is threatened when its memories are investigated and then throws-up resistance to keep its power and control over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear itself, to 'myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become', and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that resistance is real, outside of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize, and understand that resistance is a veil that covers and acts as a guard to not let me out and see what is really here, as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give-in to the energetic emotion of resistance of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase the positive energy of feelings as a solution to the negative energetic emotion of resistance, rather than remaining here and breathing within and as the stability of my physical body and the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my directive power to my mind within giving into the resistance of my mind, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as self-doubt, as a result of my giving into the resistance of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that doubt does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat that 'I cannot do this, and that I don't know what I am doing', and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with and self-create the energetic/emotional experience of self-doubt as a result of participating in this backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become 'insecure' about myself and my ability to 'do process' because of my holding onto self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress this insecurity and self-doubt and then let it consume me when faced with going into memories, in this case, to the point where I give in to the energetic experience of wanting to give-up – to give-up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this assignment, of going into memories, to 'prove' to me that my self-doubt 'real', and then go into the emotional experience of 'insecurity'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separation myself from myself within the emotional experience of 'insecurity'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as 'insecure'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that self-doubt and insecurity do not really exist and that I am sabotaging myself by participating this these energetic/emotional experiences of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my experience of insecurity is showing me that I am not giving myself something, that I am not allowing myself to direct myself as who I am as life, and that I am not standing with myself accepting myself as who I am now, as a mind-consciousness system placement.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that insecurity and self-doubt serve no purpose whatsoever.