And when I am in a situation where I
don't have much to do, then I become fearful almost about this. I go
into this battle of should I do this 'responsible' thing or should I
do this 'fun' thing and I cannot do 'nothing'! A lot of times, I
will choose a mindless activity, where I can get sucked in and forget
about myself, and even the decision about what it is that I should do
with my free time. Like, instead of even choosing some fun activity,
I will just jump on the net and play chess or something. This is
where the time fly's by. Where a few hours can go by in a flash, and
when its over I am left feeling almost used, like I prostituted
myself almost. I have this sense of guilt that follows, like 'how
could I have done that?!”
So, like, I am never satisfied really,
completely. There is always an element of wanting to be somewhere
else, no matter what I am doing. The only time that this is not the
case, is when I am playing online chess or a similar type of activity
like going to an event with other people at a restaurant or an event,
etc, where time literally fly's be because I am completely consumed
in the activity. And it seems that this causes me to loose a lot of
valuable time because instead of being 'here' and directing myself to
do what is best for all in every moment, I am chasing after things to
do that make me feel better about the fact that deep down, I really
don't feel good about just being here and existing.
Like why can't I just be here and
exist? Why do I need to be entertained and distracted? Why do I
feel like I have to be entertained and distracted in order to be
fulfilled? Why do I have to be fulfilled? Why do I compare my life
with others that seem to be more entertaining and fulfilling, and
then go into judgment and then jealousy? Why do I believe that there
is some law or standard out there that if one does not live a life of
excitement and 'fulfillment' then one is missing out and not really
living? What affect does this have on my time, really? How much
time do I waste because of taking this position of want and need of
excitement and fulfillment? Does this lead into other areas of guilt
and anxiety over the fact that I know that I am not using my time the
most effectively that I can because I am chasing fantasies in my
mind?
And is this what everyone is doing? Is
this why we have such a huge entertainment industry? So that we can
be distracted from the dissatisfaction that we all experience when
things slow down? Is this why freaking football players get paid
millions of dollars and live in mansions while billions of people
starve to death? This is so because I/we cannot just simply be here
in the simplicity of breath in every moment? Is this so because I/we
need something more than ourselves?
Its like, I need something more than,
myself and what is here, almost constantly. Like, my entire life is
devoted to chasing after the ultimate moment, the moment of complete
satisfaction. And every now and then it happens, I am completely
satisfied! LOL. Then it ends! Fuck!. Then I have to chase it
again. Then that is what sex has come to be about, right?! Its the
ultimate high. But then it ends! Then I need more. Then I am not
happy with being right here. Then I go for the second best high,
whatever that is for the moment, unless I can have constant sex,
which I cannot.
I think that really, I just want to
have sex 24 hours per day. No, I don't want that. I want to have
sex throughout the day, take breaks to eat the best food on earth,
and then go back and have sex again, wake-up after sleeping in the
most comfortable bed possible, and then do it again! LOL. That
would be fucking living!
So, its the pursuit of happiness. Its
the pursuit of gratification, that is written right into our
constitution. Its our way of life – to be satisfied. Its our
economy, consumerism – which gives us the ability to cover our
sense of un-satisfaction with material objects. Consume, consume,
consume, destroy, destroy, destroy. You see, because when one
consumes, one also destroys because everything that is made comes
from somewhere and goes somewhere after it is used. But within the
simple act of consuming, one does not care about that, one only cares
about the sense of gratification one gets in the moment that that
thing that one is consuming is giving him/her.
So, I am pursuing happiness by
consuming as much as possible so that I can always feel like I am
living, yet I am never happy when the consuming ends. I just need
more. And so, hence, my life of never being satisfied and always
living for the next moment, for the next high – never being 'here'
and happy with just being 'here'. Why am I per-programmed to believe
that I need something more than what is right 'here' in this moment?
Why do I accept and allow this to go on within and as me while I see
that the destruction of this planet is the consequence?
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