Day 205 - SF on the need to be seen by others as 'right'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen by others as 'right'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the desire to be seen as 'right' by others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this desire exists, within and as me, because I fear that others may see me as unfit for survival within and as this system within the point that 'if I am wrong about something then that reflects on me an inability to think / use logic / read my environment - thus I must be unfit for survival and inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and equate being 'right' with being able to survive.   Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival depends on others seeing me as 'right' regardless of whether or not I am actually right or not.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that being

'right' about something is not the issue and that what is important is that I am always able to see things for what they are, in the physical mathematical reality of what is actually here; Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live the realization that the only way to be 'right' is to be able to always be learning and making adjustments to my 'thinking' as I continue to learn how to be 'right' within the point of always expanding my awareness of how things actually are and work.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that judging myself as 'right' or 'wrong' is of ego and is a survival point of the mind and not actually real and that what is real is what is actually here and what is here can only be observed and assessed within and as my current ability to be self honest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that no one is really looking at things based on facts of what is actually here, but rather we are looking at things and coming to conclusions based upon how these conclusions make us feel.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that one's position on a particular topic reveals one's issues existent within self and have actually very little to do with what the 'facts' actually are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my personal self-value to my ability to be right and be seen as right by others - where I see myself as 'less-than / inferior to others when I am 'proven' wrong, either in-fact or just in the eyes of others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to project my own self judgment onto others within the point that I fear that they see me as wrong and thus inferior / unfit to survive, when it is really I who judged myself so.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become trapped in a battle / argument based on my desire to gain some form of external recognition from others that I at least 'may' be right so that I can alleviate the fear experience of being seen as wrong of which I have projected my own self judgments onto others as if they are judging me as such when it is really I who is doing this.

To be continued

Day 204 – The need to be seen by others as ‘Right’

A point that I have seen within myself is the need to be seen by others as ‘right’.   Ok, like this point really pre-occupies me whenever it comes up.  So, what I mean by this is: If I am in a conversation with someone where I have done a lot of ‘research’ into the topic and am convinced of my findings / discoveries and want to share those with the other person, but the other person has a strong position of the polar opposite equation – I find that there is this point within me like ‘oh shit, this person is not getting what I am saying because otherwise he / she would be in agreement with me because I have verified this damnit!  I know!’ Along with other thoughts such as ‘what if this person walks away thinking he/she is right after we’re done talking when, in-fact, they are wrong’?  Like, ‘what if he/she thinks I am wrong when I am really right?! Holy shit, I cannot let that happen.  He/she must see, realize, and understand that I am right because I have done so much research on this topic.  I have to be seen as right as I am rightfully right, in this case / when I have done my research! I cannot let this person go on living thinking that I am wrong when I did all this research on this topic.  I cannot let this happen!”  And then these thoughts compound to a point of ‘loss of control’ where, if the person I am talking to is adamant and provocative enough about their ‘position’, I loose all self-control and then go into ‘you’re going to hear my point god-damnit’, mode!

What the fuck is this silly bullshit! LOL!  I can only laugh at myself for accepting and allowing this level of bullshit to exist within and as me, as within the confines of my little finite mind-consciousness system programming.

There is also fear of being scene as ‘wrong’ by the other person too.  Like, I fear that they will walk away thinking that I am ‘wrong’ in their eyes; and when I am convinced that I am right or fear that I might be really wrong (either way), I just cannot let this happen. 

It is like a survival thing.  Like, if I am seen as ‘wrong’ then I am like being seen as ‘inferior’, by the other person.  Or like, if I am seen as ‘wrong’, then I did all this research for nothing; or, I did the wrong research; or my research was in-vain; or I have been shown that I am not able to interpret the research that I have done correctly -- otherwise I would not have come to the conclusion that I did which is in disagreement to the other persons ‘view’.  Thus, I fear being seen as inferior, stupid, or a looser.  This fear like traps me into a death-spiral of trying to prove my point / trying to prove myself as at least equal to the other in his / her eyes; or rather, in reality, in my own eyes.

I also have this point of desiring to be heard by the other person of whom I am in disagreement with.  Like, I have done all this research, I have done all this contemplating, I have investigated this point and have come to this conclusion and when the other person is in such disagreement that he / she cannot even acknowledge my point in the slightest, it causes me to go into this mode where I am like trying to get some form of confirmation from the other person at all costs – like just please acknowledge my point!  Like, ‘why can’t you acknowledge my point, don’t you see what I see?’  And this makes it difficult to let go because it when I have done a lot of research on a topic, that topic is obviously important to me, and when another being comes in total disagreement with my findings and expresses no ‘hearing’ of my point, as if I have no idea what I am talking about, that causes me to feel ‘crazy’ in a way, like ‘am I that far of base?!?!?” and then to save my ego, save myself from this feeling of ‘crazy’ and ‘inferior’, I have this need to be head and acknowledged, by the other, that I become possessed with practically forcing the other to acknowledge me so that I can feel better about myself. 

This bullshit has got to stop.  Self-forgiveness to follow on the next post.

Day 203 - I Am My Own Programmer

It is I who program myself to experience all and everything that I experience within and as my own mind.  I create my own experience.  I am responsible.  I am the one who is doing everything. 

However, in reality, I am right here.  I am a physical being.  Anything that I desire outside of that which supports my physical body and my physical being is of the mind as a creation of my own doing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is I who creates my own experience of wanting to give up, wanting to do something else, wanting to have more fun, wanting to 'relieve' stress, etc.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is I who creates my own emotional experiences of boredom, stress, and fear - and from these experiences I create, within and as myself, the desires to find something fun to do, to relieve stress, and the run from that which I fear.   Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by the polarities of emotions and then desires to experience positive feelings such as happiness, excitement, etc -- all of which is just the energy of the mind and not equal and one living.

I forgive myself that I have neglected the realization that equal and one living is to live here within and as the physical stopping the negative emotions, stopping the desires to move to the positive feelings, and stopping the positive feelings as well - where I stand and move myself always the same, constant, and stable within and as the breath, as the physical.

I commit myself to live the realization that I am a physical being and live as one.

I commit myself to apply myself to stop the negative emotional experiences such as stress, fear, boredom, anxiety, and worry that then drive me to create desires to experience the polar opposite experiences such as excitement, peace, serenity, and happiness - and instead of creating and participating in all that bullshit, I commit myself to just simply live here as the breath as a physical being.

202 – Stress and Release

I have been staying up too late at night and then neglecting to wake up early enough to write effectively, partly due to stress and partly due to a developed apathy of recent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am missing out on something if I don’t stay up a couple of extra hours at night to ‘unwind’ from the day.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to ‘unwind from the day by doing something to distract me.’

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to simply just slow down and breathe when I come home from work, and also slow down and breathe while at work – to alleviate stress and the compounding of stress within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I create the condition and experience of stress within and as me / as my mind – that stress does not really exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat ‘I am stressed-out from work and need to relax / I need a release.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to follow my desires within the point of accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat so that I can experience the energy of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am only living when I am living within and as the experience of the energy of my mind.

When and as I see myself going into / participating in the idea and belief that ‘I am stressed and need a relief’, I immediately stop and breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to be directed by the energies of thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, beliefs – instead I remain here as the self-directive director of myself as the physical of life.

Thus, I commit myself to remain here and breathe and direct myself to follow through on my self commitments that I have already made to myself and all of existence as me – to change this system and myself to that what is best for all – by remaining here and expressing as the physical of no mind – which takes time, commitment, and consistency.

I commit myself to remain consistent.

Day 201 - I'm Back

Here I am writing for the first time in a few weeks.  When I was writing consistently, writing became easier and easier.  Now, its like 'oh god what do I write about??'.  There is literally nothing that I can think of.  However, there are number of things that I can observe.  I will start with what is right here, right now.

Yesterday evening, I could not shut my mind down.  It was like one thought would pop-up and then a whole stream of thoughts and internal conversations would follow and repeat themselves over and over again to the point that I could not pay full attention to people talking to me.  This was going on the entire evening and kept me from falling asleep for at least an hour after I went to bed. 

In fact, I have noticed that my mind is far more active now that I have not been writing and applying self-forgiveness for these past few weeks; and therefore as a case-study here, writing on an almost daily basis, or daily if at all possible, is extremely supportive to stopping the mind / stopping one's existence as a mind. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I cannot stop my mind and must participate in these internal conversations as they come up.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I must participate in repetitive internal self-conversations in order to ensure the best possible outcome for me.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the 'entertainment' of my mind within the point of following my thoughts and internal conversations over and over again to see where thy might lead, like going on a journey into 'wonder land'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the systematic stopping of my mind within and as the point of neglecting to consistently apply myself to stop my thoughts and repetitive internal dialogs that are triggered from my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the realization that I create and program my own mind to have repetitive internal conversations when and as I accept and allow myself to participate in the thoughts and reactions that pop-up in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, create within and as my mind  myself, various personalities and characters as a consequence of my participation in the thoughts that pop-up in my mind.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make process that much more difficult by participating in the thoughts that then layer and energize to form personality and character constructs that then become even more difficult to stop.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am the creator and programmer of my own systematic existence as the mind / that thus I am my own enemy within the point that I continue to create NEW personalities and characters to stop and overcome within my will-full and negligent participation in just simple thoughts as they pop-up / that I am what needs to stop / that I need to stop my addiction to the mind and all the energies of the mind in order to lay the foundation to really stop the mind and my existence as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am addicted to the mind and the energies of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that addiction exists / that I can be addicted.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that believing that 'I am addicted...' is a justification to make me feel better about choosing that what makes me feel good instead of standing here as life, as the breath, and living equal and one.

Thus, when and as I see thoughts arise within and as my mind, I take quick note as to the significance of the thought.  I ask myself 'is this thought necessary for my survival?" and if not, I stop it and direct my awareness to the breath and the physical, here.

I commit myself to remain here and stand as the physical within the point of stopping thoughts thus stopping the creation and programming of personalities and characters that I will have to face sometime in the future..

I commit myself to writing consistently so that I can eventually support myself to eventually stand in complete equality and oneness with what is actually physical here as myself.