Day 204 – The need to be seen by others as ‘Right’

A point that I have seen within myself is the need to be seen by others as ‘right’.   Ok, like this point really pre-occupies me whenever it comes up.  So, what I mean by this is: If I am in a conversation with someone where I have done a lot of ‘research’ into the topic and am convinced of my findings / discoveries and want to share those with the other person, but the other person has a strong position of the polar opposite equation – I find that there is this point within me like ‘oh shit, this person is not getting what I am saying because otherwise he / she would be in agreement with me because I have verified this damnit!  I know!’ Along with other thoughts such as ‘what if this person walks away thinking he/she is right after we’re done talking when, in-fact, they are wrong’?  Like, ‘what if he/she thinks I am wrong when I am really right?! Holy shit, I cannot let that happen.  He/she must see, realize, and understand that I am right because I have done so much research on this topic.  I have to be seen as right as I am rightfully right, in this case / when I have done my research! I cannot let this person go on living thinking that I am wrong when I did all this research on this topic.  I cannot let this happen!”  And then these thoughts compound to a point of ‘loss of control’ where, if the person I am talking to is adamant and provocative enough about their ‘position’, I loose all self-control and then go into ‘you’re going to hear my point god-damnit’, mode!

What the fuck is this silly bullshit! LOL!  I can only laugh at myself for accepting and allowing this level of bullshit to exist within and as me, as within the confines of my little finite mind-consciousness system programming.

There is also fear of being scene as ‘wrong’ by the other person too.  Like, I fear that they will walk away thinking that I am ‘wrong’ in their eyes; and when I am convinced that I am right or fear that I might be really wrong (either way), I just cannot let this happen. 

It is like a survival thing.  Like, if I am seen as ‘wrong’ then I am like being seen as ‘inferior’, by the other person.  Or like, if I am seen as ‘wrong’, then I did all this research for nothing; or, I did the wrong research; or my research was in-vain; or I have been shown that I am not able to interpret the research that I have done correctly -- otherwise I would not have come to the conclusion that I did which is in disagreement to the other persons ‘view’.  Thus, I fear being seen as inferior, stupid, or a looser.  This fear like traps me into a death-spiral of trying to prove my point / trying to prove myself as at least equal to the other in his / her eyes; or rather, in reality, in my own eyes.

I also have this point of desiring to be heard by the other person of whom I am in disagreement with.  Like, I have done all this research, I have done all this contemplating, I have investigated this point and have come to this conclusion and when the other person is in such disagreement that he / she cannot even acknowledge my point in the slightest, it causes me to go into this mode where I am like trying to get some form of confirmation from the other person at all costs – like just please acknowledge my point!  Like, ‘why can’t you acknowledge my point, don’t you see what I see?’  And this makes it difficult to let go because it when I have done a lot of research on a topic, that topic is obviously important to me, and when another being comes in total disagreement with my findings and expresses no ‘hearing’ of my point, as if I have no idea what I am talking about, that causes me to feel ‘crazy’ in a way, like ‘am I that far of base?!?!?” and then to save my ego, save myself from this feeling of ‘crazy’ and ‘inferior’, I have this need to be head and acknowledged, by the other, that I become possessed with practically forcing the other to acknowledge me so that I can feel better about myself. 

This bullshit has got to stop.  Self-forgiveness to follow on the next post.