JTL Day 54 – Day 7 of 21 days of Writing Every Day – More On Worry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not worrying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed with worry to the extent that I am not able to pay attention to what is going on and to what I need to do to practically function and take care of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don’t worry, the worst case scenario might happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to solve my problems by worrying about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to avoid the worst case scenario by thinking about all possible solutions over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become consumed with worry to the extent that I am not able to be here and keep my self commitments because I fear what might happen to me if I don’t worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that worrying is going to bring about a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control the future through worrying about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might not be able to handle or live through certain adverse consequences that might happen to me, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into worry as a solution or way to avoid these potential consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not doing everything that I can if I am not worrying about something constantly trying to find a way out of a potentially adverse consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not worrying about situations that could cost me money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into worry and fear of not worrying to the extent that I am not able to concentrate on my day-to-day practical tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold imaginary conversations and scenarios in my head where everything works out as to try to ease my fears and come up with solutions to my problems over and over again to the point where I am not here and completely self consumed and in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that worrying and participating in fear is physically exhausting and increases the amount of sleep I need; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my productive time with worry and fear and then excesses sleep which is needed to recharge my mind consciousness system and rejuvenate my body from being depleted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my process of change and stopping my mind by allowing myself to go into worry and fear which further activities my mind consciousness system, creating more systems of control over me and giving more power to my mind thereby weakening and exhausting my physical body which is like a battery supplying energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed of the energy generated by worrying and fearing the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that going into worry and fear charges my mind and diminishes me as a psychical being – thereby enslaving myself to energy and systems. And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to my mind and participate in the fear of not solving my problems with thinking, feeling, and emoting rather than just breathing, remaining here, and practically walking solutions.

When and as I see myself going into fear and worry to solve problems in my life, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into worry and fear as a way to solve problems because I see realize, and understand that worrying will not have any affect on the future and will only charge my mind consciousness system and weaken my body thus diminishing me as life. And thus, I commit myself to stopping my participation in worry and fear over future events by breathing and stopping my mind.

When and as I see myself going into worry because I have participated in thoughts that I am too scared to stop worrying I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that I am just playing games with myself to find ways around my self commitment not too go into worry as a form of problem resolution. And thus, I commit myself to breathing, and then finding practical ways to solve my 'problems' and then walking them into reality breath-by-breath with no mind interference.

TL Day 53 – Day 6 of 21 days of Writing Every Day – Scary Work Stuff Self Corrective Application

When and as I see myself going into the thought that 'failure at work is proof that I am a failure as a human being and as a man' I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that this is backchat coming from the perspective of an ego and separation wherein I am not one and equal with all as who I am, but rather an individualized personality unit within a matrix. And thus I commit myself to stopping these thoughts when and as I see them through breathing in and out until I am clear.

When and as I see myself going into an emotional reaction of fear and anxiety connected to the thought that 'I may not be able to survive in this world system' I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into emotional reactions of fear for any reason whatsoever because I see, realize, and understand that participating in fear and anxiety does nothing to solve my 'problem' and requires energy which is resourced from my physical body which then in-turn actually degenerates my body. Instead I stand and I breathe in and out until I am clear. And thus, I commit myself to stand one and equal within every breath, and breathe through all reactions of fear and anxiety.

When and as I see myself judging myself as 'less than' others who are able to make more money than myself and then going into an emotional reaction of 'fear of being proven unfit to survive in this capitalist system' I stop and I breathe because I see realize and understand that I am only judging myself as an individualized personality within a matrix of per-programmed personalities and that because I have committed myself to standing as life, as the breathe one and equal with all as me, therefore judging others and myself is of energy and systems and separation and is actually breaking my commitment with myself. And thus, I commit myself to standing as one and equal as all as me in every breath and breathing and being here as the physical, clear and without judgment and fear. I also commit myself to writing in specificity any and all points that I cannot breathe through that still cause fear, anxiety, and judgment within me.

OK, so more corrective application on the previous point of standing on points that I have written about in the past coming next.

TL Day 52 – Day 5 of 21 days of Writing Every Day – Scary Work Stuff Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘I may not be able to survive in this world system because I am unable to make sufficient income”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘I am per-programmed to be a looser, and therefore I can do nothing about my current financial situation’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am not able to make enough money to survive that somehow this shows me that I am unable to survive in this system and therefore am inferior to those who do well in this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of fear to the thought and idea that ‘I am not able to survive in this system because of the physical evidence to constant financial stress’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘I may loose my wife and kids if I cannot find a way to make money in this system; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of fear and worry to the thought that I may loose my wife and kids because I cannot take care of them financially’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of my wife and my kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘being a loser in this system’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat that my errors at work that have caused financial hardship are proof that I am not able to survive in this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others who I perceive as successful in this system as proof as my not being able to survive because others are ‘so much more successful’ than I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional experience of fear of being proven ‘unfit’ to survive because of my financial distress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unfit to survive in this current economic system and therefore inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of fear to the self-judgment that I am unfit to survive in this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that judging myself as unfit to survive and inferior. is not going to help my current situation and really matters not regardless of the actuality of this assessment. And therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed with fear and worry connected to self-judgments and backchat, rather than to just breathe and be here and to do what is practical to do to 'survive' in this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself judge myself as unfit to survive in this system in separation of all that is here, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that I have a specific per-programmed role in this system as it is now and whatever that role is, is not who I really am as life and is also something that I can transcend through self forgiveness and corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that I am judging myself in my pre-programmed role within a matrix of mind-enslavement and that is diminishing me to merely a program, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as my programmed personalty within this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that all exist as reflections of what we all accept and allow within ourselves, and within that we are all equal regardless of our current 'role' as 'loser' or 'winner' within this mind-based pre-programmed reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in judgments, backchats, internal conversations, opinions, both positive and negative of others and myself in separation of myself as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that who I am as life is stable, constant, here and one and equal with all as me and within that there is no judgment, backchat, internal conversations – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all as one as equal through judgments both good and bad of myself and others because in doing that I am creating an artificial reality of separation wherein others, or myself, have characteristics that are not one and equal with all as who I am, but rather separate from me which is mental d-illusion.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to simply be here and breathe and do what is best for all and best for my personal situation in every breath without comparisons, or judgments, or backchats.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that my 'role' within the matrix of the mind-based reality that we exist in and as is not who I really am so long as I stand and breathe and walk breath-by breath in correct application doing what is most practical to ensure my 'survival'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the realization that my negative self judgments may be proven in the real-world through both failures in business and comparisons to others, that I have grown up with, that are doing much better; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my per-programmed nature as if that is who I really am.

JTL Day 51 – Day 4 of 21 days of Writing Every Day – Scary Work Stuff - Can I Survive In this World?

I am going to pick-up on the last writing; however not in this article. I will pick up on the next one. My job just got a little scary, so I should write about that write now since it is preoccupying me.

So, just recently I had an order-entry error on a magnitude that I have never experienced before. The potential consequences as well as accepting that fact that I actually allowed this to happen are very difficult for me to deal with. I will not go into any specific details on this blog. I will just give enough information to let the reader know where I am at. I believe that is all I need to write for my own benefit as well. So here goes.

I have an order-entry process that I developed for myself to ensure that I make no errors if possible. It works really well. I have a very good track record with order accuracy. However, I just ordered an entire order the wrong color – even using my system. I even checked-off the wrong color thinking it was the right color. Let me be clear here: I knew what the right color should be. I read the color on the order-form and thought it was right even though it was not – In other words, I when proof-reading my order, I read the color of the order, I checked it off as if it were the right color even though it was not and even though I knew what the correct color should be. So, I was basically like sleep-walking because I definitely did not do this on purpose.

The financial impact is so great, that theoretically it could put us out of business or I could lose my job or I could wind-up paying thousands of dollars. The most probable odds are that I will pay under $700 and will keep my job and we will still be in business and life will move on. So, that's the good news. I know this is so, because this error occurred about a week ago and the fallout from this is shaping up to be just about what I described here.

So, I have a self commitment to breathe deeply in and out until I am clear when faced with stress and worry like this – however, this is super scary stuff and I have been doing pretty good at keeping my self-commitment here, but like this morning, I am having trouble not thinking about it, so I am writing about it here.

Its not just worry over the consequences, it is worry over what this means about me, about who I am, and about my ability to survive and take care of myself in this world.

I grew-up with a few guys that went into business together that are now self-made mufti-millionaires. They were actually close friends in childhood all the way up to young adult. I think to myself 'I work my ass off, do my best, do everything I can and here I am making just enough to cover basic needs, most of the time, and then I have friends that work no harder than me and have become multimillionaires – and to top it off, I make a mega mistake, and then what – I lose my job? I lose money when I already have no money? Who am I? Why is making money so damn difficult for me? Am I inferior? Am I worthy of surviving in this world? Or am I just someones else responsibility to bail me out? If I work my ass off and do everything I can to be careful and accurate and still make mega mistakes, then what does that mean? Can I actually make it? All those people making money, do they possess something that I don't have? Are they better than me? Do I deserve to even have what I have? And what the fuck is wrong with my brain? I mean I actually checked off the wrong color as if it were the right color in full knowledge of what the right color is.”

These are the thoughts and questions that I preoccupying me right now. Thats all I have time for now. I will do self forgiveness and corrective application on this backchat next, and I would also like to explore why it is that I ordered the wrong color when I knew better in full consciousness, in full sobriety, in full awakeness – did I dimensionally shift? Was I doing a form of sleep walking? I mean, I was really thinking the wrong color is the right color when I knew better.

JTL Day 50 – Day 3 of 21 days of Writing Every Day – Boredom, fun, living life, and giving-in in that critical moment.

I still struggle with boredom. I go throughout my day with the intent to just be here and breathe and do what is practical and then inevitably a moment comes where boredom seems to strike and then I am faced with some 'temptation' to do something more 'exciting'. I actually begin looking for some form of exciting thing to do just to get some relief from this boredom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot be 'happy' just being here and breathing throughout my day while I take care of my personal responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'happiness' as being stimulated and having fun in separation of myself here as life, as the physical which is here, stable, and constant regardless of 'outside' conditions and stimulus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'fun' as doing things that are 'stimulating' such as drinking, or social gatherings, or going out, or eating, or reading cool topics, or having interesting conversations, or smoking something all in separation of myself here as life as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play games with myself by defining activities as 'fun' or 'boring' based upon the amount of energetic charge that I have associated with various activities based upon how I have defined various activities in relationship to myself, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my 'happiness' in relationship to how many 'fun' things' I do in a given day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat that 'I am bored and therefore unhappy and therefore need to do something fun', and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resistance towards activities that I have defined as 'boring' until I finally 'break', at that critical moment, and accept and allow myself to 'give-in' and participate in something that either aids in my procrastination of responsibilities or aids in my participation in things that I have already spoken self-forgiveness on and made an agreement with myself to stop because it is an abusive activity and not best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let 'little things' in at 'small amounts' that I have already made the self-agreement to stop – all because I have participated in my backchat that 'I am bored because I am not doing anything that is fun'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that my life needs to be 'fun' – the idea perpetuated by the media and those who also have fallen for this load of crap that speak this out load in my presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that my pursuit of 'fun' and 'happiness' is of self interest and not best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this pursuit of 'fun' and 'happiness' shows to me that I am living the opposite polarity of 'bored' and 'unhappy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play energy games which create energy by going back and forth from 'fun' to 'boring' from 'happy' to 'sad' which is a form of self-sabotage as I get bounced around like a ping-pong ball abdicating myself to the energy needs of my mind and not being here as the directive principle of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'give-in', to this self-created need for fun and to therefore be happy, in those moments where 'boredom' and therefore 'unhappiness' compound to a point where 'I just can't take it anymore'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure my life with the amount of energetic-experiences that I can have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others as having more fun or more happiness based on the 'exciting' lives that they are presenting on the outside, and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck with myself with the picture that I self-create in my mind of others that are 'really living' and having 'fun' that I compare to my apparent 'boring' reality – and within that I forgive myself that I use that as justification to accept allow myself to 'slip' on various points that I have already made a self-agreement on to stop, just so that I can have some 'fun' too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that all that is required for me to live my life to the 'fullest' is to simply be here within and as the breath – as the physical, not being pulled back-and-forth from one polarity to the other in pursuit of an energetic experience to make my life for fun and exciting – because within that, I see, realize, and understand that I am in -fact never going to achieve the 'fun' life when I have defined 'fun' as the pursuit of energy which always dissipates and therefore my pursuit of fun and happiness guarantees my boredom and unhappiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to guarantee my 'boredom' and my 'unhappiness' within my pursuit of 'happiness' and 'fun' because 'happiness' and 'fun' when based on energy and energetic experiences will always end and leave me where I started.

To be continued...

JTL Day 49 – Day 2 of 21 days of Writing Every Day – Chasing Fun

Ok, so I am starting to realize that I am charging my experiences with positive or negative energy and then chasing around the positive experiences and running from the negative.

In regards to work, it is interesting to note that I actually like and enjoy work, at least if you ask me. However, when I get home from work, the last thing that I want to do is more work! When I get home, I want to vegetate, read things only of interest, play piano, or anything that entertains me because I feel the 'right' to be entertained because I have been at 'work' all day.

On the weekends, I go through this too, where I am looking for something fun to do all day, to not feel bored. There are also times when things slow down so much, on the weekends, that I literally have nothing to do and then I go into some kind of fear where-in I fear that I will not have the 'ultimate experience' in my truly 'free-time' wherein I literally can do whatever because I have the time. In these situations, the last thing that I want to do is write or do more 'work'.

So, I am living my life chasing around fun! I am chasing around the 'positive' experiences that will make my life more exciting and more fulfilling. But within that what am I really doing? What is the real difference in all these experiences that I am having? Why am I not simply 'fulfilled' right here in every moment of breath, just simply breathing and existing? Why have I charged things with 'positive' and 'negative' energy and then run or hide from various activities when in fact the various activities may not be that different from each other or may be debatable whether or not each activity is fun or boring, positive or negative? Why not just stop charging and judging the things that I do and just treat everything that I do as either what is practical for my survival and what is best for all, or as not either one? In other words, I really have only 2 realities when I participate in any activity – it is either required for my survival and/or it is best for all – whether something is good/bad, positive/negative, fun or boring is completely subjective and only serves to fuck with me as it puts me on a chase, chasing after the 'good times' while only neglecting what it is that I really need to do to make this world a better place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge work with 'negative' energy, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allows myself to resist doing more work, or other self-labeled 'boring' activities when I am home and in my 'free-time'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to do 'fun' things in order to live my life and be fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase 'fun and fulfillment' around instead of just breathing and being right here in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the 'need to have fun' and the 'resistance to boredom' and the 'work is boring and grueling' mentality is all per-programmed from my past experiences growing-up and living in a society that gives one these ideas from the media and popular culture then the repetition of these ideas from the general populace who are parroting what we see on TV, etc, and within this no one ever realizing that these ideas are only real when we create these experiences as ourselves through believing these things in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the idea that work is boring and grueling and therefore one needs a release when one comes home – and within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the need to 'release' when I am off work indicates to me that there is something wrong with my relationship with work – as if I were working in equality and oneness, I would simply go to work, come home from work, and be right here, stable, breathing, and in no 'need' for any type of emotional release or fun activity to fill my time and make me feel better and fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'if I am not doing what I want and having fun and entertainment' then I am not 'living life to the fullest' and therefore missing out – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this mindset knowing that this has more-then likely originated from popular culture and not of me, and that I am only allowing this so that I can get that 'positive energy experience' because of my 'negative energy experience' that I have self-created through my relationship with work and other 'boring/negatively labeled activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge 'writing' as negative/bad/boring and then go into resistance towards this and then to move myself to other more positive activities even if they are very similar, like reading an article on the internet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never investigated why I have charged certain activities as 'positive/good/fun' and others and 'negative/bad/boring' – and within this, I forgive myself that I have just been reacting towards my positive or negative associations towards just the thought of doing certain activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply not just be here, breathing, directing myself to what is best for all and my survival in this system at all times without judging ANYTHING that I do – just simply breathing and doing it, or not doing it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by judging activities as 'good/fun/positive' and 'negative/bad/boring' I am screwing with myself and allowing myself to be directed by positive and negative energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my predefined relationships with the outside world and my emotional reactions towards these things because of my predispositions and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'blindly' participate and be directed by these preconceived ideas without investigating them and seeing them for what they are and then stopping my participation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that all activities are just activities and nothing more – and that I create my own experience towards them and the reactions and resistances as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I enjoy my work and have fun at work when, when at the same-time, when I come home I resist other 'boring/negative/bad' activities because 'I have been working all day and need a break' – when that should be a big red-flag that something is not right; and within that, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to investigate my relationship with work even further as to why it is that I experience stress and the need to do other fun/positive/good activities rather than just come home and do what is practical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that part of my 'negative' association with work is the 'stress' that I am under when things might go bad, or I have an emergencies and need to solve an issue, or when I am doing the same thing over and over again for hours on end – and within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down and pay attention to my body and the muscle tension and the postures that I hold and how this may be affecting me and my 'energy' levels both during work and off work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and react and to hold my physical body in the state of tension when and as I am experiences something bad or working and within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this is physically taxing on my physical body and creates/supports the idea that I need to a form of 'release' to counter this when in fact I merely need to be here and breathe and relax at all times – no matter what the circumstances as I see, realize, and understand that being relaxed and here and breathing is always the best solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be always chasing energy and running from energy-draining experiences because of my preconceived ideas about various activities which is based on the emotional and physical experiences that I have created in association to various activities, in separation of myself as the mind.

When and as I see myself going into the self-created emotional reaction of resistance towards activities such as work, or writing, or anything that I have created a negative energy draining relationship with – I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that this 'energy-draining' experience is self created based upon my participation in the negative associations that I have given towards any particular activity. AND THUS, I commit myself to breathe deeply in and out, breathing the resistance back into my body until I am clear, when faced with the prospect of participating in an activity that I have deemed as 'boring/energy draining/ negative, and then proceeding to do this activity so long as it is practically what is best for all.

When and as I see myself going into the ideas that writing and work are boring or energy draining, I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that my experience towards activities completely self-created can be corrected through breathing. I also see, realize, and understand that it is folly to charge a previously 'negative' activity as 'positive', but rather just to simply be here and breathe until one is clear AND THUS, I commit myself to breathing until I am clear and no longer participating in positive or negative charges/associations with activities, but just living, breathing, and doing what is best for all in every breath.

Day 48 – Day 1 of 21 days of Writing Every Day – Worry

I don't worry like I used to worry. I used to worry all the time. I used to worry about what others think of me. I worried about what might happen to me. I used to worry so much that I could not pay attention to what is going on around me. I would completely tune out. I would worry almost all the time. I actually had problems with friendships and girlfriends because I would worry so much that I wouldn't be able to listen enough and people would get angry at me or think I was scatter-brained. 

I have gotten much better now in my later years. I can now usually breathe and stop my mind to a certain degree when worry strikes, as I am more self aware now. However, for the last couple of days I have been possessed with worry about a particular customer at work who is, in my estimation, out to commit maximum damage to my place of business due to her disgruntledness at how her job we did for her went down. This is a public blog, so I will spare the details, but the bottom line is I believe based on her words that she is out to due as much harm as possible.

So, as a result, I have been mind-possessed with a myriad of 'what if' scenarios, as pertains to 'what I might have said right or wrong' or 'what she can do legally to us' or 'how others might view this situation from the outside looking in' and 'what will be the ultimate outcome – will I loose money in the long run?' And all these 'what ifs' play out in my head/mind over and over again as if I am trying to control physical reality with my mind and as if I am trying to analyze the situation enough to where I see a 'beam of light' where a positive outcome is guaranteed because of some detail that I thought, etc, etc.

So, what is this incessant worry revealing to me about this situation? Where did I not prepare? Why am I so insecure about this situation especially considering that I did everything that I could to make this customer happy? 

Looking back on this situation, although this customer has not expressed this and is complaining about other things that actually are measurably ridiculous, I believe that my point of 'not being prepared', for the most part, has to do with the start of all my problems with this customer when a certain item I ordered for her that turned out to be the wrong size that is needed for this job.

This item was 3” too wide and had to be reordered and happened to cost (wholesale price) close to $800 for the reordered piece and the shipping, tax, and labor to get the issue resolved. This is a lot of money for me and I panicked – my first point of not being prepared enough. I was also resentful inside towards this customer because this erroneously ordered item also happened to be part of a few pieces that were ordered AGAINST my advice to her of which I allowed her to convince me to order anyway – she did not convince me to order the size of the piece, but the design which I did not want to do because it was very unusual. The design required a special size piece, and I missed it. So, I was a little pissed at her for that. 

Then I asked her to pay half of the cost because I thought it was fair considering that she insisted that I do this design against my good advise and I actually figured that she would be happy to pay. This was not the case. She instantly took the 'customer is always right' perspective and insisted that I pay for the new piece entirely. This pissed me off even more. 

So, now I am panicked and pissed and trying to hold all this in and not reveal this to her because this is business after all. So, I calmly insisted that she pay for half of this piece and we went back and forth until she finally freaked out. At this time, I new that I had fucked myself because she, in my observation, freaked out beyond redemption as far as our relationship is concerned. 

One last piece of lack of preparation is the point of having to resolve this issue right there and then. I should have given it a day and not engaged in discourse with her immediately, but I was too scared of $800 and pissed at her too and I could not wait a day get this resolved.

From that point on, I wound up not only paying $800, but some other minor things went wrong on this job too after this, and I payed for those as well and did everything in my power to redeem myself and just get this job done and move on, but this lady, although she says she is over it, clearly never got over this and has turned out to be out to get me, practically to the point of putting me out of business if possible.

The good news, is that outside of that exchange where she 'freaked out', we have a well documented case here where we honored our contract and did everything we could to get her job done as quickly as possible. So, in the end we should be OK, no matter how much crap she through at us. Yet, I have been possessed with worry over this issue of the past few days over this any way.

And as a side note, I personally believe that this lady is so vindictive towards us (me and my company) because she more than-likely feels guilty about the fact that she convinced me to order this part against my good judgment after I exposed this to her and used this as rational to have her help pay for this error, because I know she knows this is true. I believe that this is probably in the back of her head and that she is therefore not only pissed at me by the way I handled her that day, but also trying to deal with her quilt by making me and my company the enemy/devil company.

Its amazing how fucked up we all act because of our backchat that goes in the back of our minds. So, I was driven by my backchat to try to shove $400 in cost down her throat, and now she is driven by her backchat to destroy my business and reputation.

So, now I am all mind possessed and worried.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional reaction of worry towards anything and specifically the outcome of this event because I see, realize, and understand that worry is a complete mind possession wherein I am trying to take control of the situation to avoid apparent harm when in fact thinking about something over and over again does nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that if I do not think about this situation over and over again then I might be exposed to some great harm that I have not thought of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional reaction of fear to the thought of not worrying about things and just breathing because I fear that if I just breathe something bad might happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not think about a certain situation over and over again that I might have something bad happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control the future by worrying and worrying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future and what it might bring.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear the potential loss of income in the future as a result of this incident.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this fear of what might happen and the corresponding worry is revealing to me that I have not prepared and not been prepared and therefore I need only to look into this and address it practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry instead of just simply breaking down the situation for what it is in fact – not what I want it to be in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry instead of finding practical solutions for whatever problem may arise, use future projections to see and clarify how to go about solving an issue, and then to walk the solution in breath – not in my mind-possessed state of worry where I am trying to control reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control the future through worry and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen in the future if I don't worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize, and understand that worry is revealing to me that I have not prepared for something, otherwise I would not worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and directed by my backchat, in general, and with this particular person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear and anger to direct my conversations – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear and anger with full awareness to direct my conversations when in fact I could have just stopping and breathed as I was aware of this at that time.

When and as I see myself going into a state of worry, I stop and I breathe because I do not accept and allow myself to worry because I see, realize, and understand worry does nothing to solve problems and cannot direct the future in any way whatsoever. And thus, when and as I see worry arising within me, I commit myself to stopping this worry and breathing deeply in and out – breathing in the energy of worry and then breathing out the energy or worry back into my physical body until I am clear.

When and as I see myself going into a state of worry, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realize, and understand that worry is not a solution. And thus, I commit myself to investigate where it is that I have not prepared, and also I work out the best practical solution through considering all points and projecting the actions required for the best possible outcome, and then I walk the solution in breath, breath by breath.

When and as I see myself going into a state of worry and have also done my practical solution – if there is no solution that guarantees a 'good' outcome, that is OK – I do not worry about that either. Instead, I stop and I breathe; and thus I commit myself to walk the best solution possible and also prepare myself for all potential outcomes by walking self-forgiveness wherever it may apply so as to create myself as stable and consistent and to remain in breath under any circumstances.

Day 47 – Stopping my resistance to my self-commitments – Self Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself going into my preprogrammed reactions to change, wherein I make various excuses and justifications to resist change and resist breathing and pushing through a particular point, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to create excuses and justifications to not follow-through with my self commitments – and thus I commit myself to stopping self-created resistance, as soon as I see myself doing this, by breathing-in and then breathing-out the energy into my body until I am clear. Then I commit myself to directing myself to do what I can in-fact do-and-accomplish in the amount of time that I have.

When and as I see myself going into the reaction to the idea of writing and the justification that I have 'no time to write', I stop and I breathe in and out – breathing-in and then breathing-out all the energy from these thoughts into my body until it is dissipated and I am clear and stable. Thus I commit myself to then consider through projections and common sense, what I do in-fact have time for and to what is practically possible within writing my Journey to Life.

When and as I see myself going into the fear that 'I do not have time to write out my self forgiveness' correctly I stop myself by breathing in and out, directing this mental energy back into my body until I am clear and stable because I see, realize, and understand that this fear is not real and not necessary and that I am only making justifications to not do what I have already committed myself to do, because the process of change is a point of resistance that is preprogrammed-in and is the root of this fear that I am experiencing. And thus, I commitment myself to stopping this fear of change and breathing through this fear until I am clear and able to direct myself in and as the breath of life into actions that are best for all and supportive of my transcending my mind.

When and as I see myself going into the emotional reaction towards writing self forgiveness that it is 'boring', I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in an emotional reaction of boredom towards the idea or effort to write self-forgiveness. And thus, I breathe deeply in and out until this energetic reaction is gone and then proceed to direct myself to the task of writing, in and as the breath, breath by breath.

When and as I see myself going into the fear that I am not able to write out my self-forgiveness correctly, I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that this is another excuse, justification used by my mind to assist in resisting change and remaining enslaved to the energy addictions of thoughts, feelings, emotions and the activities that I do that help keep this energetic life experience in place. And thus I commit myself to breathing through this fear of not being able to write correctly or thoroughly and remaining here and breathing as the breath as life as the physical and thereby stopping this fear and my participation in this fear of writing correctly.

When and as I see myself going into the fear and feeling of overwhelmedness at the magnitude of this process of change, I stop and I breath because I see, realize, and understand that this is just a feeling and fear that exists in my mind as a reaction to the idea of stopping the energy addictions that I live and feed off of as a mind-consciousness system. And thus, I commit myself to breathing through these feelings and fears of overwhelmedness until I am here one and equal with the physical breathing and stable and thus I commit myself to directing myself to writing myself to freedom breath-by-breath, one day at a time.

When and as I see myself going into the emotional reaction to writing that “I am to stressed out from work to write because I need a form of release” I stop my participation in these thoughts by breathing in and out until I am stable and clear because I see, realize, and understand that this is a polarity cycle that I have trapped myself in wherein I have pent up negative energy from work that I need to balance out with positive energy derived from activities that I have predefined as 'fun' in separation of myself – and thus I commitment to stopping this polarity cycle by breathing and stopping these thoughts and redefining fun and stress even through further self forgiveness if necessary.

When and as I see myself 'looking up to' or idolizing other Destonian's as being able to do something that I cannot do, such as write effectively self forgiveness, I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that this is a complete mind-fuck and complete separation rooted in fear of myself and fear of change. And thus I commit myself to stopping these comparisons through breathing stopping these thoughts and then directing myself as life, one and equal with all as me as the breath, here.

When and as I see myself going into the belief and fear of being bored while writing or for any reason at all, I stop and I breath, and I do not accept and allow these thoughts, feelings, and emotions of bored and being bored to exist within and as me for any reason whatsoever because I see, realize, and understand that nothing is in fact fun or boring but rather everything that I label as fun or boring is merely labeled as such by my mind based on the amount of energy/reaction that an activity can provide me/my mind with which is the fuel for its/my existence as the mind consciousness system. And thus I commit myself to extinguishing this emotional reaction of boredom from my mind and stopping the concept of boredom from interfering with my walk once and for all through breathing, and even writing until this system of self-sabotage is no longer part of my daily experience.

When and as I see myself going into self-doubt that I can pull up memories accurately so as to sort through them and do self-forgiveness, I stop my participation in doubting that I can remember things correctly because I see, realize, and understand that this is a defense mechanism by my mind to protect itself and to protect my own self-interest in keeping things and my memories the 'way there are' because it serves me better, in my own self interest, that way. And thus, I commit myself to stopping my self-doubt by breathing through this resistance until it is gone and I am clear and then directing myself to sort out my memories breath-by-breath and literally breathing and stopping to breathe while writing out my memories if while going through the process of writing out my memories I still experience self doubt.

When and as I see myself going into the fear that I am confused or writing in a confusing way about a particular topic of self forgiveness, I stop and I breathe through this fear of being confused until I am clear and stable because I see, realize, and understand that this fear is yet another creation of my mind consciousness system to resist change and my process of change. And thus, I commit myself to breathing and directing myself from that point of stability by stopping this fear of being confused and then I simply write and stand with myself as my own support, as the breath, so as to push through this feeling of confusion and so as to support myself as clarity and towards clarity, breath-by-breath.

When and as I see myself going into the excuse/justification that I have no time to write, I stop and I believe because I see, realize, and understand that I have been fucking myself over completely with this imagined bullshit that is used only to direct myself into more energetic activities most of the time. And thus I commit myself to writing every day if possible -yet if I cannot write, it is a practical matter, not an emotional one. And thus I also commit myself to breathing through the idea of not having time to write until I am clear and able to direct myself to what I do in-fact have time to do on any particular day.

And finally, as a matter of testing myself on this point of writing and time and boredom and all the other justifications that I have noted – I thus commit myself to 21 days of writing to freedom wherein I commit myself to writing 21 days straight wherein I give myself permission to not write every day if in fact I do not have time after I have breathed and realized that this is so on a practical common sense level – because there are times that my responsibilities do in fact take-up all my time. So, this next 21 days is my test and my push through on this point.