Day 260 – Who am I within money, II?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insecure / not know how to act / what to do while in the presence of those who make more money than me.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see those who make more money than me as superior and then react in inferiority, insecurity, and nervousness while in their presence.  Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the desire to avoid being in the presence of those who make more money than me and are more successful than I am at my age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can ‘equalize’ myself with others through the acquisition of money and success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see the money / the carrot at the end of the stick, without considering the consequences and ramifications of how that money came about, what processes were needed, what resources were needed to bring that money into existence.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have only allowed myself to see the positive side of money – the end result of having money where one is able to hide in the security of being able to buy things to present to the world a picture of how one would like to be seen by others – and then to ignore the negative aspect of money, which is the creation of money wherein I ignore the suffering, the hardship, the debt, and the environmental destruction that was required to bring that money into existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by money, where I am unworthy of standing in the presence of others unless I make as much as them or more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the old saying ‘he who dies with the most toys wins.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money within the point that I fear making a lot of money because I believe that I am not worthy of making a lot of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to making a lot of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize my relationship to money where I fear it and desire it at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ripped off – where I react in anger when and as I perceive myself to being ripped off / not getting what I believe that I paid for.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this very economic system is a system of ripping others off so that a few can have everything and that I am always ripping someone off whenever I buy something within the point that all are virtually compelled to work for less than what they would agree to if they had any power in this system, and that resources are stolen / taken from countries and regions that are subjected economically by this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as empowered through money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as disempowered when I spend money, especially large sums of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that power is achieved through having lots of money.  Within this belief, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am creating the experience of being disempowered, within and as myself, so long as I do not have any money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to idolize the rich as being icons of true success, and see being rich as something positive, when I have not allowed myself to realize that the processes of becoming rich requires the very negative conditions of slave labor and resource extraction and abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that money only serves to allow those who have it to present pretty pictures of themselves to the world so that they can continue to gain more access to money which only serves self interest – that there is no need for money beyond basic needs and being empowered to move the system to reflect that what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a looser unless I have lots of money.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that, as evidenced in this physical reality right now, there must be far more losers’s than there are winners in order to support the construct of being rich.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have ignored the realizing that the winner’s in this system must create more loser’s in order to keep on winning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the desire to present myself to the world in a certain way that can only be done through having money of which I feel empowered or disempowered to be ‘who I really am’ depending on if I have money and how much money that I have. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that within this current economic system, most people must be ostracized from the system otherwise we would destroy the earth far faster than we are doing today; and thus, some of us where given the ability / personality design and signature to make lot’s of money wherein these types typically knew what they wanted to do from when they were young and also have the personality characteristics to be able to a success and empower themselves within and as this system, while the rest of humanity are left to fend for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that those few who make it from rags-to-riches, in this current economic system, where pre-programmed to do so in order to create ‘hope’ and be a symbol of ‘hope’, as in ‘you can do it too’, for the rest of the masses that were not so fortunate to have such a personality design in order to keep the worker slaves moving and not give up in their dead-end go no-where slave jobs that are required to be done so that the rich can continue to be rich.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that becoming rich and successful, in this system, is a function of one’s pre-programmed personality design of which has nothing to do with who one really is as the physical.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the amount of money one makes is simply a function of one’s personality design and also opportunities that by a matter of luck within the position of where one is born in this world – and that this has no reflection on what or who one really is and what one is really capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission for this system of competition and winner takes all to exist through my tacit approval of this system by my participation in this construct.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that everyone is simple competing for the best personality design that can bring them the most money and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself in ways only to bring about the most money possible into my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the hearing of someone that I know as being super-successful trigger emotional reactions of fear, insecurity, and then belittle of others in order to bring them down to my level, to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that money should have always been and should be now - just a practical tool to measure value and exchange goods that can be used to support my existence on this planet.

I commit myself to equalize myself with my relationship towards money where I money becomes a practical tool to take care of my basic needs on this planet.

Day 259 – Who am I within money?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘successful’ only when and, as I am able to make a lot of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the color green that is on dollar bills to success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the idea of being successful as positive  / good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-worth in the amount of money that I can make within the point that the more money that I make the more self-worth that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others who make more money than I make, especially if they are younger than me, and then to judge them as better-than / more-than me if they make more money, or appear to make more money, than I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through judging those who make more money than I do as ‘better than / more than’ me, create and connect fear / a fear reaction to expressing myself while in their presence where I then suppress my main ‘personality’ so that they will not judge me as inferior to them.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my main personality as negative / bad / unsuccessful because of the fact that I have not been able to make a lot of money in this world system as it exists now.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold spite towards others who make more money than me within this realization that it is just their pre-programmed design that allows them to do so and thus they are not really living as their true self-expression and thus they are only ‘successful’ incidentally due to their pre-programmed personality design and thus within that point, I am at least equal to them because we are all in fact just living out our pre-programmed design- and that within that point, I see myself as superior to them because I am at least able to see through the veil that is the mind and thus within this point, I spite them in my mind as if I am really superior to them because they are just living out their illusion / pre-programmed existence as ‘successful’ in this system while I am at least self-aware of this point.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be competing with others for supremacy within the point of self-awareness, because making lots of money isn’t working, not realizing that this is actually another energy system / trap of the mind that I am suppressing myself within and as and thus again enslaving myself into the polarity equation of superior / inferior instead of just living here as a true equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself a separate personality for dealing with and interacting with successful people who are better off than me financially – where I tense-up and consider / judge every word that comes out of my mouth before speaking to ensure that I do not say things that will reveal to them that I am inferior / less than. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the desire to become rich like them so that I can be equal to those who make lots of money and thus alleviate my fear and anxiety while in their presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with all life on earth for supremacy within the point of making as much money as I can so that I can experience myself as the ultimate winner – not considering the consequences that I am creating through this such as war, starvation, poverty, and the destruction to our environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eventually change my point of competition to competing on an intellectual level within the point that ‘over the course of my life, making lots of money never happened or hasn’t happened yet’ and thus within that now I compete on an intellectual level within the point of ‘I am the smartest of all.’

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what I am doing within competing for money so that I can fulfill my desires to see myself as the winner, as superior, as the coolest being on earth is that I am at war with others within my own mind and thus supporting war within this world because within this I am giving permission for others to do the same as me and this is expressed within the war that is here within the point that those who have the power to wage war are doing the same thing – exerting their supremacy through competing for resources and money so that they can live the expression of being the ultimate winners.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that competing to be the ultimate winner which is reflected in having the ultimate personality design manifestation that can bring the most self worth which is equated to financial worth is rooted in a fear of death / a fear for survival which is of the mind and of energy because energy always collapse back into its source – the physical, and thus within this I am living as an expression of energy – fearing for my survival and doing everything in my power to evade death. 

Day 258 – Desire to be rich, III – Positioning myself as the ‘eccentric’ yet to be millionaire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to position myself, in my own imagination, as the ‘eccentric yet to be millionaire’ in order to create within and as myself the experience of superiority over others that I have perceived as rejecting me and thus have experienced inferiority towards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality / character of eccentricity within and as myself, wherein I made myself and presented myself as eccentric as I could be so that I could convince myself that I am indeed eccentric so that I can make my belief system that ‘I would be an eccentric millionaire one day’ that much more believable to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I am not able to get the women that I want and not able to socialize the males the way that I want because I am eccentric and thus secretly superior to them to the point where they just don’t understand me and my actual superiority.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an eccentric narrative about myself as the solution to the original narrative that I had about myself where I perceived myself to be inferior to others / less than others / unworthy of others – wherein through my ‘solution’ that I am eccentric, I have now convinced myself that I am greater than others / more than others / and that others are actually not worthy of me.

I forgive myself that, instead of facing myself as insecure and releasing myself form the negative energy experience of insecurity through standing up as life, as the physical, and accepting myself for who I am as who I am as a physical being equal and one with all as me, that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an-alter ego personality system as the ‘eccentric yet to be millionaire / ultimate winner / super intelligent genius / ahead of his time / ahead of his generation / beyond the average Joe’ – as the ‘solution’ to my experience of insecurity and not getting what I want from others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within the creation of the ‘eccentric yet to be millionaire’ personality and belief system, that I created within and as myself as the solution to my experience as the ‘loser’ in comparison to the other guys whom I perceived to be getting what they want and thus winning, that I have created both the positive experience of feeling more than / superior and also the negative experience of feeling insecure and inferior to others as a consequence that would always be there in the background.

I commit myself to no longer play energy games with myself where I create personalities, characters, stories about who I am in order to create a positive energy experience of perceiving that I am a winner, superior, and more than others in order to combat the inferiority and insecurity that exists within and as me.  I see, realize, and understand that this is self-deception and that I am only creating and perpetuating the negative experience as a consequence of this as well as the fact that I am living a personality construct as a positive energy experience that is not who I really am as life, as the physical, as the breath.

I commit myself to look at what I do, what I say, and who I am within it by always asking the question ‘what is motivating me to behave this way?  Fear?  Desire for acceptance?  Desire to be seen by self or others as more than / superior?  Am I acting from a starting point of inferiority and insecurity?  Am I competing for resources, attention, power, and to get what I want from others as an energy experience? 

I commit myself to look at my self-definition – who am I really?

I commit myself to end the characters and personalities that I am existing as to get what I want, and start living here as who I really am in every moment of breath as a physical being as the breath as all as one as equal where no polarities exist of inferior / superior, more than / less than.

I commit myself to examine my desires to see if they are of life within having desires for that what is practical as self expression and self-support, or are my desires to fulfill polarity equations such as desiring something to make myself feel better from a starting point of feeling negative / bad, or to give me an energetic experience of gratification from a starting point of being unsatisfied with who I am here – as if who I am is incomplete and lacking.   Or the desire for attention from women and men in order to make myself feel better about whom I am.  -  Are these desires motivating me, or am I being motivated by self as an expression of life to do that what is best for all?  Are my desires best for all?

When and as I see myself going into behaviors, characters, and personalities that are used to fulfill self-interest in creating some form of a positive energy experience, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to do this because I see, realize, and understand that this is of the mind, is not who I really am, and creates separation that, thus through this separation, creates and perpetuates the very ‘problems’ of feeling insecure  / inferior / like a looser, that I seek to solve through these systems in the first place.  I thus commit myself to breathe, and slow down, and live as who I am as the physical.

Day 257 – Desire to be rich, II

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the desire to be rich as the solution to my inferiority complex where through becoming rich I would be vindicated as being better than all the rest.  Within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the desire to be rich is not a solution to felling inferior / less than and unworthy of others and their attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself as ‘eccentric’ and thus participate and create within and as myself the idea and belief that I am ‘eccentric’ as a way to make myself feel better about myself as a solution to my social awkwardness / social problems / social frustration.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word ‘eccentric’ as positive / good due to my participating in the idea and perception that ‘rich people are eccentric / different than normal people’; and thus, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a positive experience within and as myself as a result of participating in the idea and belief that I am ‘eccentric’.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create positive emotional bodies within and as myself attached to the belief system that I created within and as myself that I am eccentric- and thus within my participation in the idea and belief that ‘I am eccentric’ I created an alternate world within and as my own my where I became a superior being who was thus not able to be recognized as such by others because I am eccentric.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that one day I would be rich because of my belief that I am ‘eccentric and that rich people are eccentric’.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly see myself as better than others of which one day this will be self-evident to all within the fact that I will eventually be rich – the ultimate winner.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how I manipulated myself with words, ideas, and beliefs within the point that when I defined myself as ‘socially unskilled / not fun to talk to / not interested to talk to / dorky / boring’ in comparison to others as a reaction to my social interactions with them, I then felt ‘bad / less than / inferior’ about myself and who I was – and then, when I defined myself as ‘eccentric’ in comparison to others as a reaction to my social interactions with them, I then secretly felt superior about myself and who I am in comparison to others.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-manipulation / step into the self-manipulation character, as a solution, where I manipulate myself to create ideas and belief systems about reality and who I am within in it in order to make myself feel better / feel superior about who I am.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play energy games with myself where I am constantly competing with others and manipulating myself to create within and as myself the positive experience of being the winner / the one / superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification that ‘I am eccentric and thus that is why no one can relate to me’ to explain my internal experience of not being able to get what I want emotionally from women and men in my social interactions with them; and that within the point of defining myself as eccentric, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as a way for me to feel better / good about myself no matter if I get what I want or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that defining myself as eccentric and then believing that I will one day be rich and thus expecting that I will eventually be rich one day is no solution to my inferiority / insecurity that I experience within and as myself in relation to others; because within participating in this, I am only creating a positive energy experience within and as myself through this belief system in order to suppress and cover-up the negative energy experience that already exists; and thus within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that no matter if I actually become rich or not, the inferiority / insecurity will still exist within and as me.

 

Day 256 – Desire to be rich

Not so much anymore, but for a long time I had a huge desire to be rich.  This was never fulfilled, of course, as I am anything but rich.  And why did I desire to be rich?  Well, that is an interesting question.  The answer to that is that I had deep insecurities growing up that seemed to get worse by the time I was a teenager and young adult.  I felt inferior to others.  I had trouble communicating and making friends because I was afraid to talk, afraid to express myself.  I compared myself to others and then through comparison and judgment saw myself as less intelligent, not fun, boring, and felt as if I had nothing to say.  I had a lot of anxiety socially.  I had trouble getting girl-friends. I would freeze-up while talking to women.  Although my early child-hood has lots of satisfying memories of good-times with friends, as I became an older kid, like at high-school age, I found that I had less and less friends and really the only friends that I had were the kids that ‘pushed’ their way into my life.  I felt un-worthy to talk to the females that I was sexually attracted to.  This really got to me.  I saw all my friends and the other guys at school with girl-friends, but I had none.  Well, ironically, at first I had several girl friends, but by the time I was in like eleventh grade and on, it was like I could no longer communicate with the opposite sex and this went on until I was like 28 years old.  In essence, I felt inferior to all the other kids and young adults and this inferiority got worse by the time I was like 14 years old or so and lasted throughout my 20s.  I also felt different than everyone else, like I was the only one that is like me – weird, I guess you can say.

So, I started to create within and as myself a desire to be rich as the solution to my problems.   I started to create a story within and as myself like ‘I am some kind of super-genius who nobody understands, like Einstein or something’.   And this would explain why I can’t seem to get along with everyone and get what I want – which is sex and relationships with women, and respect from guys.

And so, time went on and this inferiority problem that I had didn’t seem to get any better and I wasn’t getting what I want, which was fulfullment in either male or female relationships; and thus, I was seeing myself as an outsider more an more, and then this desire to be rich started to emerge and the become stronger and stronger. 

I also started to create a story about myself where I was like this eccentric yet-to-be millionaire, because there are rumours and stories about eccentric millionaires and how millionaires are so different that the regular people out there – so I started believing this about myself.  And so, I started to have all these expectations that one day I would be rich, like I had convinced myself that this would actually happen.  Then, this through this belief system that I had created about myself, I started to feel secretly superior to others –as if ‘you will see!  I will be rich one day’.  And so the desire to be rich became stronger within and as my experience because I could not wait for that day to happen to me, that day I would become rich and then proved to the world, and really myself, that I am not only equal to everyone, but actually better / superior.

So, years went by and I never became rich.  Instead, I never found a good job, or a really good job in that I have a decent job but I am definitely anything but rich!  And so, eventually this desire to be rich became not so strong as participating in this is like torture when it is not actually happening, you know. 

So who was I within all this?  I was competing with everyone else for supremacy and status.  I felt inferior.  I experienced myself as inferior and wanted to experience myself as superior through being rich.  Through being rich, I perceived that I would be able to get what I want and that is ‘respect’ from men and attention from women; and to be seen by others as someone who actually is cool, who actually is intelligent, who actually does have his shit together.  You see, I had projected my own self-judgment onto others wherein I perceived others to be judging me as inferior, stupid, socially inept, boring and then wanted to prove everyone wrong through becoming rich – the ultimate winner!  And then this never happened, so I had to eventually let this desire go because it wasn’t really serving its purpose any longer as I started to have to face myself as the one who wants to be rich and then doesn’t become rich – and that’s like torturing yourself.

So, it is interesting what really motivates us and who we really are within it.

Day 255 – Fear of living as the Physical, IV

When and as I see myself reacting in fear / connecting fear to the idea and / or experience of living here as a physical being, in physicality, with no positive energy experience to exist within and as, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to react in fear / connect fear to this because I see, realize, and understand that fear is not real and does nothing to protect me or secure my survival.  I see, realize, and understand that this fear is of the mind within the starting point of fear of death and survival / the survival of the mind / of me as energy / as a being of energy.  I see, realize, and understand that I am not a being of energy and that it is energy that eventually ends and collapses back to its source, the physical of who I am and align myself as when I take my stand as the director of me and breathe and remain stable within in and as my physical body as me, with no positive or negative energy experience whatsoever.  Thus, I commit myself to say out-loud in a calm, directive, and gentle voice to myself, when the fear reaction occurs, the words ‘No, I am not this fear.  Fear will do nothing for me.’  From here, I direct myself to breathe and stop my participation in this fear through breathing until I am clear and there is no fear.

When and as I see myself in a situation where I start to feel bored and then go into the back-chat that like ‘there is nothing fun and exciting to do’, ‘life can’t be this dull?!” ‘I need to feel like I am living life’, and then I react in fear to this and then that fear activates my imagination where I start thinking of all kinds of positive energy experiences that I can participation in and then start comparing myself with others, judging others, become jealous of others, all as a self-manipulation tactic to victimize myself and convince myself to eventually ‘give-in’ to my desire to participate in an experience that I have charged with positive energy, that is of self-interest, and then resist those experiences that I have charged with negative energy through judgment all; so that I can avoid the experience of being bored, or living a dull-life, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to talk myself into engaging in experiences for the thrill or energy that I can derive from them, just so that I can feel alive because I see, realize, and understand that feeling alive is actually not really being alive and that really being alive is simply being right here as the breath, as the physical, constant and stable with no energy experiences whatsoever.  I see, realize, and understand that it is the physical is the source of energy, and that energy will always collapse back I into the physical; but the physical is always here and always constant and stable and the same.  Thus, I commit myself to remain here and breathe and delete these thoughts and conversations that I have with myself in my own mind, in order to manipulate myself into my desires that I created within and as myself through judgment to give me experiences of energy, where I separate myself into the energy of the mind / into the mind, by saying to myself ‘no, I stop.  I am here.  I am a physical being’.  I remind myself that I have no need for an energy experience of any kind to satisfy me, to make me feel good, to make me feel alive – because I see, realize, and understand that I am here already alive as the physical in the stability of the breath.  I also remind myself that boredom is not real and only exists in my mind as a consequence to my accepted and allowed thoughts, back-chats, and judgements; and that through this, I create an experience of boredom or excitement within and as myself in relation to what I am doing and how I have judged it, and how I have defined myself within and as it.  Thus, I commit myself to breathe and remind myself that the positive energy experience of the mind is only temporary is not a real solution to living and is not real living.  I commit myself to stop separating myself from here, from physicality, through judgements where I judge things to be good / bad, desirable /undesirable based on my relationship with things and how I have defined myself within that.  I commit myself to sort out my ‘who I am’ within what I do so that I can eventually overtime develop an equal and one relationship with everything that I do where no experience of boredom or excitement exists within and as me – where I am just here, breathing simply doing what is practical, what is necessary for my well being, and what is best for all.  To further assist myself in this process, I commit myself to redefine words such as ‘excitement’, ‘life’, ‘living’, ‘happiness’, ‘entertainment’, ‘fun’ and others like these so that I can live them as who I am in every breath and no long seek an energy experience of them, where I separate myself into the limitation of my own mind.

Day 254 – Fear of living as the Physical, III

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear reaction when and as I see myself slowing down where there is nothing that I am doing or see that I am doing that might create an energetic experience of happiness or excitement within and as me; and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this fear through going into back-chats and imaginations and projections about what I would like to do that would create some excitement within and as me where I come up with all kinds of ideas within and as my mind about what I can do that will excite me and start believing that this is me and this is what I must to do to really live and experience myself as ‘really living’, until I finally ‘do something about it’ and find a way to go into some form of a positive energy experience, instead of just living here and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the desire within and as myself to do something exciting and fun and experience myself as having fun, being excited, and being entertained due to my starting point of defining myself as ‘really living’ only when and as I having a positive energy experience, within and as my mind, in separation of my living here as a physical breathing being.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within seeking a positive experience of happiness, excitement, entertainment, and fun wherein I have defined myself as ‘really living / really being alive’ when and as I am experiencing this positive energy – that within this starting point, I am also creating the negative experience within and as myself of boredom wherein I define myself as ‘not really living’ within this point of which I will always revert back to once the positive energy experience ends – and it always ends – thus, within this, if forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the polarity of my mind where I experience myself as the negative, and then as a consequence, create within and as myself the desire to have some form of a positive energy experience or to do something or seek something that will give me a positive experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions as if they are really me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to simply slow down and stop my participation in my thoughts, feelings, and emotions as I see them come up within and as me through speaking self-forgiveness out-loud or within my mind and breathing in where I accumulate the energies within and as my chest area and then breathe them out until I am clear.  Within my participation in thoughts, feelings, emotions, and desires for something ‘more’, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am creating these energy fluctuations that I experience, from the starting point of the negative, then the positive and back again, within my participation in my own mind where my starting point is that I believe that my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are really me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to simply say ‘No.  I am not these thoughts and emotions.’ to myself out-loud or in my mind, when and as negative thoughts and emotions come up such as ‘I am bored’, ‘I am not really living.’ ‘Just being here is too boring.’ ‘This can’t be all there is, just me here.’ ‘I need something more.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to experience something more than what and who I am right here in every moment of breath as a physical being.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define living here as a physical breathing being as ‘not enough’ to satisfy me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within the point of seeking satisfaction, entertainment, excitement, happiness, and other positive feelings experiences – that I am merely living for energy, the energy experience of the mind and thus am not really living, and am thus setting myself up to eventually experience the polar opposite energy experience of being bored, being unsatisfied – In fact, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within my desire to experience myself as positive energy that I am creating my starting point of a negative energy experience at the same time and thus am condemning myself to cycle between negative and positive energy, with the negative energy as the driving force / constant, for the rest of my existence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my fear of living here as a physical being, just breathing, with no energy experience is actually a fear of death / a fear of the death of who I am as the mind  - and that this fear of death thus creates within and as me a point of survival – where I seek positive energy experiences so that I can feel alive and secure my survival as the mind, as energy, as limitation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that energy always ends and thus dies and collapse back into the physical and that the physical is substance and substance is always here an never ends and has no ups and downs, but is stable and constant – thus within and as the physical there is no fear of death, no fight for survival, and no need for an energetic experience to feel alive.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desires to feel alive through some form of a positive energy experience show me that I have not been living my words as a physical being, but have been living for the experience of the words that I seek to experience myself as.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to, when and as the thoughts as back-chats start coming up in mind where I say to myself ‘I need something more’ and become jealous of others through comparison where I compare myself, and my commitment to live as a physical being, with the perceived freedom that others are living through their ignorance where they get to smoke weed, drink, do whatever – and then through this jealously that I create within and as myself I start going into more back-chat about ‘how its not fair’ and ‘this is my life and I need to be able live it the way that I want’ – until I finally talk myself into doing something that will stimulate some form of an energy experience within and as myself – simply stop all this bullshit / mental drama / self-manipulation / self-victimization that I use against myself as the mind to break my resolve, break my will, break my self-commitments to live here as a physical being in equality and oneness and instead go into a mind experience of energy in separation from what is here where I condemn myself to the slavery and limitation of the mind for a few hours of a positive energy experience. 

 

Day 253 – Fear of living as the Physical, II

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to living here as a physical being with no energy experience directing me, moving me, or entertaining me whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to my own fear of living hear as the physical of no energy experience and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear and thus be directed by the energy of fear that I create within and as myself through the participation in my own mind.  Within this fear reaction and as a consequence of my going into the fear cycle, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into back-chat, imaginations, comparisons, and judgements, within and as myself, where I start thinking about how boring it is to just live here of no energy experience whatsoever – over and over again where this cycle of fear energy that stimulates reactions within and as me layers and accumulates to a point where I become possessed to physically ‘do something about this and stand up for myself as a being of energy / that requires energy to live and be happy’ and thus within this, totally fuck myself into and as the energy experience of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step into the idea character, within and as myself, where I say things to myself as back-chat like ‘life should be more fun than what is experienced just being here’, ‘I am not really living if I am just to be here and do what is practical at all times’, ‘I need an outlet sometimes’, ’if others are doing it, then they are having more fun than I am and why should I limit myself to having no energy experience whatsoever?”—where all this exists as pictures as ideas and ideal statements within and as my mind in separation from what is here- where I am being directed by pictures and images that exist within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by pictures and imaginations, which are based on memories where I have been programmed in the past about what the ‘ideal’ life is and is about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the idea in my mind that the ideal life is about the energy experiences of ‘having fun, having good times, feeling good about myself, and entertainment.’ – which is all just a bunch of bullshit that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pre-programmed with over time and thus am now directed by the past, by memories, and my own self-definition of who I am in relation to a bunch of memories as pictures, ideas, and imaginations.

To be continued…

252 – Fear of living as the Physical

So, to add another dimension to the ‘why I smoke weed’ point, is the fear that I am starting to see of just living here, as the physical, as the breath. 

I have been looking at myself over the past few days to see when and where and what triggers the desire that I go into to smoke weed, and I see that I am stable and clear for most of the time.  I have no desire throughout the day, nor at night, most of the time when I come home from work.  The desire emerges only at certain times, when others are smoking around me and also when I am in full relax mode or full –let it out mode – thoughts as back-chats start activating in my mind and I start participating in them until finally I ‘break’ and go for it.  But this is not just limited to weed.  This happens in many cases, in other applications, where finally I accept and allow some mental bullshit to go on and direct me for the sake of the energy experience. 

The root of it all is this belief that I hold that ‘it is just too boring to just be here and have no energy experiences whatsoever.’  I mean, this same belief that I hold motivates me to do a lot of things to stimulate my mind and create an energy experience.  Sometimes, this point can be expressed by me simply jumping on Facebook and starting some shit, just to see how people react and then argue with them to try and prove myself right.  Sometimes, it can be over-indulging in eating.  Sometimes, it this point can be expressed by my going into laziness where I just don’t take full responsibility for everything that I need to do.  Sometimes this point can be expressed through my desire to do all kinds of research on the Internet.  Sometimes it is expressed by my judging others in my mind and creating an experience within and as myself of like superiority or excitement even. 

So, its like I am on a constant ‘hunt’ for an energy experience within and as my own mind that is based on the belief that this is what living life is all about – the high /  the high point of experiencing energy as the mind.

So, when I see others and perceive them to be able to enjoy life within the point of enjoying some form of energy experience in their minds, I become jealous of them as if I am not able to really live life like they are.  Thus, these thoughts that go on in my secret mind accumulate to a point where finally I become possessed by them and directed by them, like a robot, going for that point that will give me that energy high / experience of myself so that I can feel like I am really living.

Thus, I have a fear and have connect fear to the point of living without the mind / without the energy experience of the mind and thus have been accepting and allowing myself to ‘break’ at times and just indulge in whatever way is most accessible in the moment and will give me the most ‘bang for my buck’ or in other words the best experience possible.

So, like, over the course of my life I have been trained through media and others that living life is about having ‘fun’ and ‘fun experiences’ and within the point of smoking weed – I have lots of memories of ‘having fun experiences and good times’ both within myself and observing others doing so that accumulate and are layered along with all the other back-chats within my secret mind that go on as a consequence of my judging others, comparing others, becoming jealous of others, and projecting my own mind onto others in regards to others being able to do this and I am not – until all this accumulates into a mind possession – of which is the point that I was really looking for to go on in the first place to use as an excuse – like ‘I am mind possessed! I cannot help myself!’

So, what triggers the weed point as well as any other expression of creating an energy experience within my own mind are all basically the same – I get to a point where I, through judging that what I do as boring, experience an energy low – like I need to be moved in some way and then in addition I have to have access to something that will stimulate me.   So, with weed, if others are around smoking, then I might allow the backchat to build and accumulate to a point where I finally ‘break’ and allow this point – or if weed is not around, then this same point will be expressed in another way where I can experience my mind in some way.

So, the driving force of it all is fear.  I have connect fear to simply living here in the physical in a practical application as if this is just too boring, too mundane, and not what life is about.  I have been programmed for years, over the course of my life, to seek the experience of winning, of feeling great, of happiness through the experience of happiness, of forgetting and ‘letting go’ – as if these are the only times that I am really able to really ‘live’ and thus I am on a constant hunt, a constant search for that ‘high-point’ and thus I fear when things slow down and I don’t see that I will be able to experience this ‘high point’. 

This fear I react to with more fear and through fearing my own fear I start to imagine all the ways that I can end this fear of living here as the physical with whatever kind of energy experience that I can create in my immediate reality.  Like, oh shit!, I can’t just do chores, work, come home, and take care of my responsibility and then sleep.  What the fuck!  Holy Shit! That sucks! 

You see, these are all judgments of the mind based on fear that I allow to accumulate and build to a point where I become mind possessed to take some form of action.  That action can even be just doing nothing that is of any form of self-responsibility.  Or it can be on the other extreme of letting myself go and smoking a little weed, if it is around and I see others doing it.

So, it’s like I am stable for a while and then, due to fear and the low energy experience, I break.  Then I get back to being stable and through the backchat that accumulate based on the fear and the low energy experience, I break again. 

The fear is to live here, as the physical of no energy experience of the mind whatsoever.  That is where I accept and allow myself to go into all the backchat that accumulates to a point where I become mind-possessed to take some form of action, and I do this on purpose because I know how my mind works.  I know that if I think about it enough eventually the thoughts will accumulate and layer enough to a point where I become mind possessed and then I can use that as some form of excuse.  Of the evilness of it all!

Day 251 – Staying Committed, IV

When and as I see myself stepping into the back-chat where, within and as my own mind, I make comparisons, judgments, and justifications, like ‘I need something more’, ‘I am bored’, ‘I just want to smoke one hit so I can relax and enjoy myself’, ‘I cannot just remain here without at least smoking one little hit’, ‘there is no difference between being here at this social gathering / party and to just being at work, so long as I am not at least having a drink or smoke something’, ‘every one else gets to smoke and drink and have fun, why can’t I’, ‘what’s that harm in just a little hit?’, ‘I wish I didn’t know the things that I know and thus there would be nothing holding me back from enjoying myself and being stoned’, ‘they, in their ignorance to how physical reality really works, get to have all the fun and smoke weed and drink not realizing how they are fucking themselves and everyone else in doing so.  I wish I could be like them in this one night, and just not know the difference’, ‘this can’t just be all there is to being a physical being in one’s experience of self.  It is just too plain, too boring, too monotonous.  I must be able to at least have this one hit of weed to relax, to enjoy myself, and to mix it up a bit and change my experience of myself to make like interesting,’ – I stop, and I breathe.  I see, realize, and understand that in my participation in this, I am breaking down my wall of resistance to smoking weed, brick by brick, thought by thought, comparison by comparison, judgment by judgment until the wall of resistance finally crumbles and I give myself permission to follow the energy experience of being high that I so desire.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my stopping of smoking weed was always just merely an energetic experience of resistance and attempted self-control, but was never a living physical reality wherein I really stopped due to the point that I fully realized that smoking weed has nothing to offer me, in and as the physical and thus have no natural use for it; because if this were so, I would not have to resist or use self-control in the first place.  Thus, I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this back-chat.  Thus, I commit myself to stopping my participation in this back-chat as soon as I see it arise within and as my mind, by deleting it immediately, and taking a breath in and thus directing my awareness to my breath and my physical body and thus do not allow my mind to move until I am stable within the breath because I see, realize, and understand that the back-chat, and my participation in it, is what eventually leads me to physical action, like finally taking that hit of weed.  If the back-chat comes up again, I find that I cannot stop it, I direct myself to say out-load in a stern directive voice as if speaking to a child, or loudly in my mind’s voice if others are around:  ‘NO, I STOP.  I DO NOT ACCEPT AND ALLOW THIS’.   Then I direct myself to remind myself that I am here.  I am a physical being where I am always whole and complete and stable as my natural condition and thus feeling bored and desiring experiences to alleviate boredom are all figments of my mind as energy and thus are not who I really am – thus I commit myself to take my stand as who I really am as the physical as life and to no longer sell-out for the energy experiences of the mind.  If this is not enough, I direct myself to walk away, as far as possible without causing a scene, from the weed and while I walk, I direct myself to stop my mind and experience each and ever step that I take and the movements of my body so that I can assist myself to align myself to within and as the physical and return to the ‘action’ when I have aligned myself within and as the breath / the physical and no longer am directed by energy.

I see, realize, and understand that enjoyment and relaxation are words that can be lived in each and every breath and that in so doing so, one needs nothing to create an experience thereof, because one is already living it.

I commit myself to change my living application to that of being here in every breath as the physical where I am not directed by energy, wherein I do not create the experiences of stress, tension and boredom, so that I thus do not require weed to relax or enjoy myself – through further exploring what I am living that creates the experiences of stress, tension, and boredom experiences that I create within and as myself / my mind so that I can release them.

I commit myself to, in future writings, explore and define the physical steps I must take to integrate and live the self-corrective point of no longer requiring weed to allow self to relax. And to define what it means practically and physically as something where I retrain myself in my body and in my world/environment where I no longer require weed.

Day 250 – Staying Committed, III

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the energy of desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the energy of desiring to smoke weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the energy of boredom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that boredom exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am missing out when I see others smoking weed around me.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that weed can give me something that I don’t already have.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that weed can only offer me an experience of energy that feels like a ‘high’ where my mind is ‘buzzing’ for a few hours with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and physical sensations ONLY to eventually fade and leave me back where I started within and as the energy of boredom.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that weed is like an abusive friend who only comes around for a while and then eventually leaves you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others around me who are smoking weed and then believe that they are having more fun than me and then become jealous of them as if they are living something that I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thoughts, comparisons, judgments, pictures, ideas, and imaginations in my mind where I create an alternate reality within and as myself of me missing out on all the fun when if I am not able to have any type of substance to enhance my experience of myself while at a social gathering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot have any real fun at a social gathering without at least some type of mind-altering substance to enhance my experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be step into the experience character where I am directed by the experience of feeling bored and like I need something to ‘pick me up’ where within and as my participation in this character I completely forget about the fact that I am actually a physical being that does not require an energy experience to live and be here, whole and complete.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the only thing that I am missing out on is an artificially induced energy experience of and within the mind that is not actually even real.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desire to smoke weed to give me an energetic experience that I have defined myself as ‘feeling good and enjoyment’ within and as myself shows me that I have separated myself from myself within those points be delegating those points to be lived for me through energy instead of me standing and living those points as myself as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I were living here as the physical as the breath in every breath, then I would not need any type of energetic experience, induced by a substance or not, to live for me that what I have separated myself from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself within the points of enjoyment and living life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘living life is about living experiences of the mind’ instead of realizing that living life is something that I am already doing here in each and every breath and that all that I need to do is align myself and merge myself within and as my physical body and live here, where I have been the whole time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and then believe that they are living something that I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the belief that I must at least have some form of a substance, like pot, alcohol, cigarettes, food, etc., while at a social gathering, in order to really enjoy myself which is based on memories of my doing so in the past, my seeing others doing so in the past, and memories of myself and others saying these things in the past.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by memories wherein through this I am just living in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relate to weed in that I believe that it can give me something that I don’t actually have when I see, realize, and understand that weed can only give me the experience of that what I seek, but not the actuality of it – as the actuality of that what I seek is a living physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘sell-out’ for the experience of that what I seek instead of actually living that what I seek as me.  In this case, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘sell-out’ for the experience of feeling good, feeling like I am living, feeling like I am having fun, feeling relaxed – instead living those points as who I am in every breath as the physical where if I were to do so, I would have no need for the experience of such things because I am already living them.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desire to smoke weed to give me the experience of feeling relaxed, feeling like I am having fun, feeling like I am living life – shows me that I have separated myself from living relaxed, fun, living life as myself in every breath as who I am  - through judging who I am and that what I do as negative and boring in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge simply being here and breathing as ‘negative and boring’ where within this, I create within and as myself the desire to have a ‘pick-me-up’ experience so that I can feel like I am having fun and enjoying myself when I see, realize, and understand that within this I am just cycling myself in positive and then negative energy experiences that will never end until I finally take my stand and start living these points as who I am in every breath, as a living physical being in need of no energy experience to direct me, to enhance my life and my living, nor to define me.

Day 249 – Staying Committed, II

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the words enjoyment and relaxation as ‘who I am in every breathe’, but instead have accepted and allowed myself to live for only the energetic experience of enjoyment and relaxation which is created within and as my mind in separation of myself.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the experience of feeling like I am relaxed and enjoying myself will eventually end and leave me in the opposite experience of feeling bored and tense when whatever it is that I have accepted and allowed myself to give this experience to me ends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot enjoy myself or relax without the aid of a mind-altering substance, like weed just because I see and perceive others doing this and also hold memories of my own past experiences where I experienced relaxation and enjoyment while stoned.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what I am doing here is projecting my own past experiences onto others where I perceive others to be experiencing what I experienced in the past, where I induced the experience of feeling relaxed and enjoyment within and as my mind through the aid of the substance weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I cannot enjoy myself and have fun while at a party where I see others smoking weed due to my previous self-commitments to not smoke weed’.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from living the words enjoyment and relaxation as who I am in every breath by seeking enjoyment and relaxation in something outside of me that gives me the experience of enjoyment and relaxation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate in the backchat that ‘I am missing out on the total potential experience while at this party if I do not smoke some weed’, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that therefore ‘because I am not smoking weed, I am not able to relax and really enjoy myself and thus I am create the experience within and as myself of feeling bored.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the belief, within and as myself, that ‘at social gatherings one must drink or smoke weed in order to enjoy oneself and that if one does not partake in these things, then one is not really enjoying oneself.’  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the experience of resistance to smoking weed, while at a party or social gathering where I see others doing so, as a consequence of my having judged smoking weed as ‘wrong / bad and something that I shouldn’t do’, but yet at the same time am not able to really enjoy myself due to the beliefs that I hold that ‘I am not able to relax and enjoy myself unless I am stoned and thus have placed value in the experience of being stoned as if it can give me something– instead of simply living the words relaxation and enjoyment as who I am in every breath where as a consequence I would simply have no desire for a substance to give me the experience of enjoyment and relaxation because I am already living it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the experience of feeling bored and antsy and also like feeling as if I am not really ‘at the party or social gathering yet even though I am physically there’ until I have finally smoked at least that one little ‘hit’ all as a consequence to my holding the belief that ‘I am only able to relax and enjoy myself if I am stoned, while at a party or social gathering where I see others doing it’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own past experiences of feeling good and feeling relax and feeling like I am enjoying myself onto other who I see smoking weed and then become jealous of them if I am not smoking weed like ‘they are having all the fun and I am not even really here at the party or social gathering.’

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the experience of feeling relaxed and like I am enjoying myself will end and leave me with the negative polarity of feeling bored – and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase the energy experience of the mind.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself live for the experience of energy instead of living here as the breath of no energy, in the stability and the constancy of the physical where I am in need of nothing to fulfill me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have ignored the realization that pursing enjoyment, excitement, and fulfillment in things and substances that can induce this experience will always end when the energy ‘high’ runs it course and thus I will fall into the low / the negative experience inevitably and then at that point will be seeking the positive / the high unto infinity and thus as a consequence am enslaving myself to the energy experiences of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to quit smoking weed where within the point of trying to quit, I have judged smoking weed as wrong / bad / something that I shouldn’t do and then within this suppressed my desire to smoke weed.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the suppression of a desire will eventually ‘bubble-up’ like holding a ball under-water where eventually it will make its way around your hands and then shoot up above the water releasing all the suppressed energy – and that within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the times that I do give in and smoke weed are those times that the energy that I am suppressing simply overcomes my will and takes control over me – and that thus – I created this point through my suppression of my desire to smoke weed to give me the experience of feeling like I am enjoying myself and am relaxed.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see realize, and understand that to really quit smoking weed, I need to take my power back and live those points as myself in every breath that I have accepted and allowed weed to give to me as an experience in separation of myself.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live enjoyment and relaxation as who I am in every breath.

 

Day 248 – Staying Committed

I reach this point where I ‘I believe life is just too boring otherwise’ and look forward to that point in time where I can just relax by taking a hit of weed.  I don’t buy any weed for me personally, but I have access to weed.  I am exposed to it constantly because certain family members, in my extended family, smoke all the time and thus I am always faced with this point.  So, I waver on this point.  I go for a while with no smoking; and then sometimes, I fall / give in; and its always because I am acting within a belief that somehow seeing everyone else participate in this ritual makes my experience not quite as fun without it. 

When I give in, I am also acting within the belief that ‘I deserve to be able to relax at times and fully enjoy myself’.  I believe that weed can give me something that I don’t already have in that it can give me a feeling of being relaxed, a feeling of feeling good and tingly, and make everything more interesting and exciting, as if weed and the experience of being stoned can give me something more than what and who I am already.

Yet, what I am starting to see is that the high of weed just activates my mind into like a ‘buzz’ where I am just kind of buzzing / thinking / worrying / feeling all the time for no reason at all, and so therefore the ‘pleasure’ that I feel while stoned is more related to the point that being stoned activates thoughts, feelings, and emotions kind of like on auto-pilot and thus energy is being activated and created constantly while stoned, and this is probably where the term ‘buzz’ came from because the mind while stoned is like buzzing.  It’s like weed just activates my mind into like a constant low-level frenzy for a few hours and then goes away; and therefore, I have defined my experience while stoned as fun, feeling good, and exciting when really I am just defining / judging the energy experience of being stoned as ‘good’.

So, there you have it, being stoned is an energy experience of the mind.  It’s like, activating a constant physical feeling / mental thinking experience of the mind and thus energy is created for the duration of the high and that energy experience of feeling a bit tingly, feeling excited and no longer bored, feeling like eating, enjoying eating more, and the experience of interacting while stoned as if it is more fun than usual – all come together as one over-all experience that I have defined as ‘really living’, ‘really relaxing’.  I have also taken ownership of this point where like I believe that I have this ‘right’ to experience myself this way and then thus ‘give in’ to my desire to smoke.  It’s also seeing everyone else smoke that activates all this back-chat where I talk myself in to finally taking that hit; and it’s not like I can just not go around these people in order to support myself to stop here – these people are family and thus I am always facing this point. 

The interesting point is that I have been approaching the stopping of smoking weed with using resistance based upon my judging smoking weed as ‘bad / wrong’.  Translated, this means that I have been using mind energy to try and stop the mind energy addiction of weed.  This will not work in the long run.  Sure, I can resist for a while, but resistance is an energy experience of the mind and can only take me so far.  So, its like, I have seen that being stoned is an energy experience, of the mind, and the solution is to resist – but, one can only resist to a certain point and then, like a muscle reaching its max weight that it can handle, I will break and give into the desire to smoke.  And I will just take a little bit.  One hit, just enough to get a little high, but not too much.  Using this point as also a justification. 

So, the key to stopping weed and any form of addiction is definitely not to judge that point that one is trying to quite as ‘bad’ and then go into resistance which is a pure energy attempt and solution to an energy problem.  You see, the substance of weed activates my mind into a certain experience.  The act of quitting through resistance is also another mind experience.  Both are energy experiences, and obviously the energy experience that is more fun will win out eventually.  So, the key to stopping weed and any form of addiction is to sort out the addiction and find out what it is giving to you that you are not already living as yourself; and also sort out all the memories and self-definitions that one has associated with this point – so that you can release yourself from all of this and also align yourself to live those very points that you have separated yourself from within the point of that you have created yourself as addicted to a substance that is giving you something that you have separated yourself from.

For instance, I hold the belief that ‘I am really living and really relaxed and able to enjoy myself while stoned.’  So, I have not been living enjoyment and relaxation as who I am in every breath already and instead have been looking for the fulfillment of those points in substances and experiences outside of myself.  Thus, because I have not been living these points and also have placed positive values and judgments upon them, I have created within and as myself the desire for certain experiences and substances to give me those experiences.  Then, to add to that, I have attempted to stop weed through resistance, but resistance is just another energy creation of the mind.  Resistance is not real equal and one living.  So, therefore, the starting point of why I am desiring to smoke weed is not addressed with the act of resistance and thus there will inevitably reach a point in time where I ‘break’ and ‘give in’ and thus smoke, a little.  So, to really quit weed, in this case, I must align myself to live in every breath those very points that I am desiring to experience through the act of smoking weed.  If I were to do so, then I would have no use for weed as it couldn’t possibly be giving me anything that I am not already living as myself.  I mean like, enjoyment?  Why would I need weed to enjoy myself if I were already living enjoyment as who I am in every breath?  Relaxation?  Why would I need weed to feel relaxed if I were already living relaxation as who I am in every breath?  ‘Living Life?”  Why would I need weed to feel like I am living life if I were already living life as who I am in every breath?

And on and on, you see.  I just have to break down and identify all those points that I am not living that I have been seeking the experience thereof through weed.  And once I align myself to be living these points, then I will have no use for weed.  At that point, resistance will be useless too, as I will not need to be resisting anything at all as I will have no longer the desire to smoke weed as it can no longer offer me anything that I already am living as myself.

So, perhaps, I have approached this point wrong in that I have written about it in the past and have made some progress, but in the end, I have just been in a resistance the whole time, which is an energy experience of the mind – and I have therefore never aligned myself within and as those points that weed was giving me in the first place.  So, the topic of the following writings will be to align myself within those points.

Now, on a side note, I titled this writing ‘Staying Committed’ because there is an additional point that I want to mention here.  Part of my justification to smoke weed, when I do give in at times, is that I deserve it or that I should be able to just do what I want at times – like throwing a bit of a tantrum as if everyone is telling me what to do and thus I should be able to just smoke some weed if I want to.  Yet, I see, realize, and understand that within this point, I am going into a mind experience, and thus within my acceptance and allowance of any mind possession / energy experience whatsoever – I am accepting and allowing the totality of this existence as it is right now to go on.  Yes, this is true.  Within this point, I am basically complaining about my situation and that I need some weed to ‘make it right’, while at the same time, there are people who have to have 50 miles just for water, there are kids being wounded and maimed by bombs, and there are countless atrocities around the world that go on on a daily basis that I am giving my stamp of approval of when and as I justify my desire to smoke that one hit of weed, or any willful act of participating in the mind.  This is so because this entire world as it is now is a world that is here because of the mind and that fact that we as a human race are controlled by the mind.  My giving into the mind may not manifest these consequences in my direct experience, but I am, within accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the energy of the mind in any way whatsoever, giving permission for the totality of the outflow of consequences of the mind; within the realization that if I really want a world that is best for all and have realized that the mind is the source of all the inequality of this world, then I must stop my participation in my mind in totality otherwise, I don’t really give a fuck.  Thus, If I really stand for a world that is best for all, then I must and will face all the points that I have given to my mind to live for me, and take them back and live who I am here as the physical in every breath, so that I can live the solution for this world into and as who I am as the physical and as the breath, of life.  Thus, staying committed means that I must face all excuses, justifications, and self-deceptions of the mind for the mind to continue its existence as my god who has directive power over me – where through this commitment I take my stand as the living directive principle of me where I am not directed by any mind energy whatsoever.  This is to be done not only for me, but for the whole of humanity as there are billions who can’t even experience this world in the way I do in my meager experience that I have access to, due to the point that most are actually in starvation and a host of horrors that befall this planet which are all consequences of living for the energy of the mind.