When and as I see myself stepping into the back-chat where,
within and as my own mind, I make comparisons, judgments, and justifications, like
‘I need something more’, ‘I am bored’, ‘I just want to smoke one hit so I can
relax and enjoy myself’, ‘I cannot just remain here without at least smoking
one little hit’, ‘there is no difference between being here at this social
gathering / party and to just being at work, so long as I am not at least
having a drink or smoke something’, ‘every one else gets to smoke and drink and
have fun, why can’t I’, ‘what’s that harm in just a little hit?’, ‘I wish I
didn’t know the things that I know and thus there would be nothing holding me
back from enjoying myself and being stoned’, ‘they, in their ignorance to how
physical reality really works, get to have all the fun and smoke weed and drink
not realizing how they are fucking themselves and everyone else in doing
so.
I wish I could be like them in this
one night, and just not know the difference’, ‘this can’t just be all there is
to being a physical being in one’s experience of self.
It is just too plain, too boring, too
monotonous.
I must be able to at least
have this one hit of weed to relax, to enjoy myself, and to mix it up a bit and
change my experience of myself to make like interesting,’ – I stop, and I
breathe.
I see, realize, and understand
that in my participation in this, I am breaking down my wall of resistance to
smoking weed, brick by brick, thought by thought, comparison by comparison,
judgment by judgment until the wall of resistance finally crumbles and I give
myself permission to follow the energy experience of being high that I so desire.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have
not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my stopping of smoking
weed was always just merely an energetic experience of resistance and attempted
self-control, but was never a living physical reality wherein I really stopped
due to the point that I fully realized that smoking weed has nothing to offer
me, in and as the physical and thus have no natural use for it; because if this
were so, I would not have to resist or use self-control in the first place.
Thus, I do not accept and allow myself to
participate in this back-chat.
Thus, I
commit myself to stopping my participation in this back-chat as soon as I see
it arise within and as my mind, by deleting it immediately, and taking a breath
in and thus directing my awareness to my breath and my physical body and thus
do not allow my mind to move until I am stable within the breath because I see,
realize, and understand that the back-chat, and my participation in it, is what
eventually leads me to physical action, like finally taking that hit of
weed.
If the back-chat comes up again,
I find that I cannot stop it, I direct myself to say out-load in a stern
directive voice as if speaking to a child, or loudly in my mind’s voice if
others are around:
‘NO, I STOP.
I DO NOT ACCEPT AND ALLOW THIS’.
Then I direct myself to remind myself that
I am here.
I am a physical being where
I am always whole and complete and stable as my natural condition and thus
feeling bored and desiring experiences to alleviate boredom are all figments of
my mind as energy and thus are not who I really am – thus I commit myself to
take my stand as who I really am as the physical as life and to no longer
sell-out for the energy experiences of the mind.
If this is not enough, I direct myself to walk away, as far as
possible without causing a scene, from the weed and while I walk, I direct
myself to stop my mind and experience each and ever step that I take and the
movements of my body so that I can assist myself to align myself to within and
as the physical and return to the ‘action’ when I have aligned myself within
and as the breath / the physical and no longer am directed by energy.
I see, realize, and understand that enjoyment and relaxation
are words that can be lived in each and every breath and that in so doing so,
one needs nothing to create an experience thereof, because one is already
living it.
I commit myself to change my living application to that of
being here in every breath as the physical where I am not directed by energy,
wherein I do not create the experiences of stress, tension and boredom, so that
I thus do not require weed to relax or enjoy myself – through further exploring
what I am living that creates the experiences of stress, tension, and boredom
experiences that I create within and as myself / my mind so that I can release
them.
I commit myself to, in future writings, explore and define the
physical steps I must take to integrate and live the self-corrective point of
no longer requiring weed to allow self to relax. And to define what it means
practically and physically as something where I retrain myself in my body and
in my world/environment where I no longer require weed.
No comments:
Post a Comment