Day 249 – Staying Committed, II

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the words enjoyment and relaxation as ‘who I am in every breathe’, but instead have accepted and allowed myself to live for only the energetic experience of enjoyment and relaxation which is created within and as my mind in separation of myself.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the experience of feeling like I am relaxed and enjoying myself will eventually end and leave me in the opposite experience of feeling bored and tense when whatever it is that I have accepted and allowed myself to give this experience to me ends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot enjoy myself or relax without the aid of a mind-altering substance, like weed just because I see and perceive others doing this and also hold memories of my own past experiences where I experienced relaxation and enjoyment while stoned.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what I am doing here is projecting my own past experiences onto others where I perceive others to be experiencing what I experienced in the past, where I induced the experience of feeling relaxed and enjoyment within and as my mind through the aid of the substance weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I cannot enjoy myself and have fun while at a party where I see others smoking weed due to my previous self-commitments to not smoke weed’.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from living the words enjoyment and relaxation as who I am in every breath by seeking enjoyment and relaxation in something outside of me that gives me the experience of enjoyment and relaxation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate in the backchat that ‘I am missing out on the total potential experience while at this party if I do not smoke some weed’, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that therefore ‘because I am not smoking weed, I am not able to relax and really enjoy myself and thus I am create the experience within and as myself of feeling bored.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the belief, within and as myself, that ‘at social gatherings one must drink or smoke weed in order to enjoy oneself and that if one does not partake in these things, then one is not really enjoying oneself.’  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the experience of resistance to smoking weed, while at a party or social gathering where I see others doing so, as a consequence of my having judged smoking weed as ‘wrong / bad and something that I shouldn’t do’, but yet at the same time am not able to really enjoy myself due to the beliefs that I hold that ‘I am not able to relax and enjoy myself unless I am stoned and thus have placed value in the experience of being stoned as if it can give me something– instead of simply living the words relaxation and enjoyment as who I am in every breath where as a consequence I would simply have no desire for a substance to give me the experience of enjoyment and relaxation because I am already living it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the experience of feeling bored and antsy and also like feeling as if I am not really ‘at the party or social gathering yet even though I am physically there’ until I have finally smoked at least that one little ‘hit’ all as a consequence to my holding the belief that ‘I am only able to relax and enjoy myself if I am stoned, while at a party or social gathering where I see others doing it’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own past experiences of feeling good and feeling relax and feeling like I am enjoying myself onto other who I see smoking weed and then become jealous of them if I am not smoking weed like ‘they are having all the fun and I am not even really here at the party or social gathering.’

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the experience of feeling relaxed and like I am enjoying myself will end and leave me with the negative polarity of feeling bored – and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase the energy experience of the mind.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself live for the experience of energy instead of living here as the breath of no energy, in the stability and the constancy of the physical where I am in need of nothing to fulfill me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have ignored the realization that pursing enjoyment, excitement, and fulfillment in things and substances that can induce this experience will always end when the energy ‘high’ runs it course and thus I will fall into the low / the negative experience inevitably and then at that point will be seeking the positive / the high unto infinity and thus as a consequence am enslaving myself to the energy experiences of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to quit smoking weed where within the point of trying to quit, I have judged smoking weed as wrong / bad / something that I shouldn’t do and then within this suppressed my desire to smoke weed.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the suppression of a desire will eventually ‘bubble-up’ like holding a ball under-water where eventually it will make its way around your hands and then shoot up above the water releasing all the suppressed energy – and that within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the times that I do give in and smoke weed are those times that the energy that I am suppressing simply overcomes my will and takes control over me – and that thus – I created this point through my suppression of my desire to smoke weed to give me the experience of feeling like I am enjoying myself and am relaxed.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see realize, and understand that to really quit smoking weed, I need to take my power back and live those points as myself in every breath that I have accepted and allowed weed to give to me as an experience in separation of myself.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live enjoyment and relaxation as who I am in every breath.