Day 270 – Who I Was from the Beginning / Re-aligning my starting point: Redefining the word 'living', Part VI

So, if as you may have noticed, this thread, starting with part I, is a bit of a free-flow - wherein I am just going with where this takes me, where-ever that is.  I am using this free-flow approach right now because I often find that when writing out a point, other points / related points, "pop-up" in my mind and I don't know what to do with them or if they are relevant even.  So, usually, I 'edit' my writing and try to 'stay on track' with the main point, which is probably a very good approach normally.  However, in this case, I am just free-flowing to see what comes up. 

So, from my last writing, Part V, what stands out looking back on this writing is that I have not really faced my desires as my 'wildest' fantasies; and have also defined living as the fulfillment of these things - as if 'I am not really living unless I am fulfilling these fantasies'.  

I have, rather, suppressed these desires / fantasies, and over time, I have come to see that suppression leaves the point of what one suppresses as a continual and constant point that's always there in the back-ground as back-chat and pre-programmed personality constructs that repeat over and over again in my mind.  Usually, something triggers these fantasies as contained within and as the back-chat, imaginations, expectations, and desires to come up and then start talking their talk in my mind, like seeing an extremely attractive female, for instance. 

So, why have I been suppressing and not releasing these through self-forgiveness?  Well, well, the answer to that is that I am 'holding out' / 'hanging on' to just the possibility that maybe someday I will in-fact be in a position to have these fantasies fulfilled; and I want to be 'ready' and be 'ready' and 'willing' within the point that, if I transcend these points before they actually can happen in physical reality then I will not be interested in them and will have "missed out"; and part of my definition of 'missing out', in this case, means that I will not truly be 'living' because 'living' only can occur when one is maximizing one's pleasure principle / attainment as much as possible and in the best possible way, right?

So, suppression means that the personality patterns / addictive behavioral patterns will persist although I do not act on them outwardly.  This also means, that the personalities that I have developed around this point will continue to grow and grow the more that I feed them and then eventually may actually compel me to physically doing something 'stupid', like actually acting on them.  But, in the mean-time, the point of suppression also contributes to my general perception that I am not really living because these things, although they exist in my mind, are not happening in the physical and I am not doing anything about it - thus, there is a strange perception of 'giving up' on myself that comes with suppression.

Furthermore, suppression acts a point of self-sabotage within the point that suppression can lead to new and more characters and personalities to be developed, within and as my own mind; starting as reactions where I participate in the initial thought and then it grows into entire systems; such as going into guilt, anxiety, depression, self-judgment characters, all as a consequence to the act of suppression of my fantasies.

Lastly, there is an inferiority / superiority complex that is compelling me to 'hold on' to these fantasies and desires; within the point that if I am not fulfilling them, I actually feel inferior to those whom I have compared myself to that seem to be in a position to fulfill these things.  And then, when I fulfill my fantasies, and I have, I go into a superiority over this.

Yes, I have fulfilled my fantasies to a certain extent, but not enough.  And as a side note, I don't think it is actually physically possible to fulfill one's fantasies actually.  You see, the mind is what drives fantasies.  Fantasies do not exist outside of the mind.  And have you ever noticed how repetitive your mind is?  I mean like, there will never be the fulfillment of my fantasies, in-fact, because fulfillment is impossible!  All that will occur is that one will have a tempory 'feeling' of a certain level of fulfillment that will only last as long as the energy of that feeling lasts and then one is back to where one started - seeking more.

So, I will write out my fantasies in future posts.  I am glad I took this 'detour' on this writing.  But, to stay on track, I will redefine 'Living' / 'To Live' / 'Being Alive' in the next post.  And why am I redefining this in this thread of 'redefining my starting point'?  Well, how I define living seems to me to reach back to my very starting point in this life that I am living now.  Everyday, I get up to live.  I am always comparing myself and my life to my 'ideal' life and making decisions about what I accept and allow based on my definition of 'living'.  So, this needs to be corrected, so as to assist myself to always make decisions that are best for all in every breath that I take, because if my definition of living is fucked, then that what I live will be fucked. 

Day 269 – Who I Was from the Beginning / Re-aligning my starting point: Redefining the word 'living', Part V

When I look at what it means to me to 'live', I automatically go into imaginations, fantasies, and expectations of desires fulfilled, lived, and experienced.  Thus, living and being alive is to me the fulfillment of my desires as imaginations and fantasies.  This is how I grew up expecting things to be.  This was my soul purpose in life - to fulfill my wildest dreams / my imaginations / my fantasies.   This is what I set out to do when I was just turning 18 and starting my 'own' life.  Thus, when I use the word 'living' or 'alive' and am not in a position to have my dreams fulfilled and experienced, then I become depressed / negative; and when I am experiencing a fulfillment of sorts or fantasies, expectations, desires as actual experiences or projected experiences - then I feel 'alive' and have a positive relationship to the word 'living' / 'alive'.

Thus, the word 'living' has a neutral charge to it within and as myself and does not move me positive or negative independent of the context of my current life experience.  Thus, I am driven to create a positive relationship to the words 'living' and being 'alive' through the constant seeking and pursuing of the fulfillment of my desires, expectations, fantasies, and 'dreams'.  This drive is at a subconscious level where if I hear the word 'living' or 'alive' or am questioned by others or even myself in my own mind: 'are you living / are you alive?' - these words act as 'trigger' where upon hearing them, I automatically react with a pre-programmed back-chat / self-analysis where I comb through my life, my experiences, my living conditions, and compare them to the pictures in my mind, the imaginations, the fantasies, the expectations, the desires and if these two points are in alignment, wherein my fantasies, etc., are being fulfilled at least in some way, then my experience as reaction to the word 'living' is positive and I become happy and excited that 'I am really living and feel alive'; yet, if at the time of those words being spoken to me, by me or others, I don't have any means at the moment in my life to fulfill these expectations, fantasies, desires, and imaginations I react with the negative emotions of disappointment, sadness, depression.

Thus, I am always see-sawing through life, seeking the fulfillment of my default definition of 'living' and 'being alive': which is the fulfillment of positive experiences brought about by the fulfillment of my desires, fantasies, imaginations, and expectations.  Thus, within this point, I oscillate between positive and negative emotions and emotional reactions to the words 'alive' and 'living' depending on my current living conditions and expectations in relationship to my fantasies, etc.

But where did I get all these desires, fantasies, imaginations, and expectations in the first place?  Why did I just automatically accept and assume that the fulfillment of these things is what it really means to live?  When and where and why did I define living as the fulfillment of these things in the first place?  Why do I get jealous at those I perceive as fulfilling 'their' fantasies, desires, dreams?  And why have I not ever considered that living for the fulgent of these things creates a condition where one has to be completely subservient to their constant fulfillment, lest the experience ends and then one reverts back to the negative aspect of unfullfillment of these things?  I mean, this is a problem: To define life and living as the fulfillment of ones desires, fantasies, expectations, and dreams puts one in the subservient position of sacrificing all that one has in order to achieve these things.  I mean, what does it take to sustain a life of constant fulfillment of these things?  Has anyone ever really done this or achieved this?  I mean, I desire sex, for instance.  But when the sex has ended, where am I?  Back where I started, seeking more sex.  And that is what living is?  Seeking the same thing over and over again just to live for an experience that can only last for so long?

So, this is self interest: Living for the 'positive' experience and the fulfillment of desires, expectations, imaginations, fantasies in complete disregard for all others and without considering the outflow of consequences that this entails.  Living for an experience is the same thing as living for 'god' and sacrificing self for 'god' - wherein the positive or negative experience is my god within the point that it tells me who I am, what to feel, and directs me in what to do in order to maintain and create the positive experience.

 

Day 268 – Who I Was from the Beginning – Re-aligning my starting point, Dying for God, Part IV

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for energy and to be the subject of energy and to be subject to energy wherein I am thus directed by the emotions, feelings, and repetitive patterns of energy and the energetic experience of being directed by energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for energy and to die for energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crucify myself, as a physical being and as my being-ness, where I give up my directive principle, my self will, my natural state of being, all to live for the artificial reality of the experience of energy.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice myself as a physical being for both the creation of energy and the dominion of energy of me and my will.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I live within and as the experience of energy, I am in effect sacrificing who I am as my being-ness and as physical being for the creation and perpetuation of energy.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the existence of energy and the power of energy depends on me - it is, in effect, where-ever I do not stand up and take self-responsibility, to remain here as the breath and as the directive principle of me wherein no energy or energetic experience is directing self, for what is here within and as my physicality / my being-ness and all of existence, equal and one, that then gets converted and thus diminished to created energy to support an artificial existence of love and light.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am the one dying and being sacrificed for my god, which is energy, to both exist and have directive control over me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that this is not a fair exchange - wherein, I give up everything that I am as the physical, which is equal and one with all of existence and dependent on nothing to exist, so that I can experience myself as energy, as a personality, as a mind, as consciousness - and I get nothing in return except to slowly extinguish myself to a point where I practically no longer exist because I have accepted and allowed myself to be diminished / sacrificed / crucified for the sake of and creation of energy, to the extent that I have practically no self-will as a physical being and can no longer tell the difference between the illusion created through energy and the reality of what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be diminished to such an extent as a consequence of my sacrificing myself for the creation and authority of energy that I no longer can easily tell the difference between what is the real me that exists here as a physical being / as my being-ness, and the artificial me of thoughts, feelings, emotions, characters, patterns, reactions, fears, and personalities that constitute the mind; which is energy and an energy creation and also has directive power of me and who I am as the physical so long as I am lost in the illusion created by energy of the mirror of self.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the crucifixion of Christ on the cross for 'god' is one and equal to the crucifixion of self and also this entire planet with all the beings on it suffering the hardships of this economic system for the creation of energy and also money, which is the physically manifested form of energy.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the worship of 'god' and the belief of Jesus' sacrifice is one and equal with the physical reality here on earth where we are all sacrificing our lives as physical beings for the life and for the sake of energy and then money - thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that through religion, mankind actually worships and is enslaved to energy, which is the mind and equal to money and equal to god.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that there are two gods in existence.  One god, is energy - this god demands a self-sacrifice to both support its existence and give it power and control over self; and the other god, is the physical AKA substance, which is the substance of which all things are made of and exists before energy and supports the creation of energy.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the creation of energy and thus god, which is energy and equal to and one with the god of religion, is dependent on the physical to be converted, transformed, and thus sacrificed for this 'god' to exist and thus invalidates this god as the true 'god' of existence because its existence is dependent on the willingness participation of the physical / of substance / of physical beings.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the 'god' of religion which is equal to and one with energy and money and the mind, is not a true god as per the definition of 'god' within the point that it's very existence and manifestation is dependent on the physical and thus this 'god' is actually the subject of the physical which contradicts the very definition of 'god' and what god is supposed to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I, as the awareness of the physical, have created this very existence, indirectly - or in other-words - almost by accident as an outflow of the consequences of my starting point of living for the experience of energy, which is self-interest, with no regard for the outflow of consequences to the rest of this physical existence that living for the experience of energy causes.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the true 'god' of existence is outflow of consequence - in that, for every action, there is a reaction and an outflow of consequence; and thus since living for the experience of energy, for 'god', requires and demands a sacrifice of the physical - then that means that someone in this existence must suffer for the creation of energy that is required to support my desire to live for energy.  And thus, within this point of living for energy and not considering the consequences to all of existence that this creates, I am taking advantage of others for my own energetic experience and thus living for energy is of self-interest, not best for all, and requires the sacrifice of self and / or others to exist.

Day 267 – Who I Was from the Beginning – Re-aligning my starting point, III

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this existence and reality, exactly as it is now, is showing me the fully manifested consequences of what I have been, and am still, living now, as one who seeks the ultimate positive energy experience in-spite of everyone else and all of existence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the experience of energy, of the mind, requires energy and that energy comes from the physical / substance.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to live as energy and as the mind requires a constant source of energy which requires an incessant and regardless resourcing and transforming of the physical into energy regardless of the consequences.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have failed to connect the dots, in that this reality, which has an economic system that requires the destruction of the physical to create money is showing me what I am in-fact doing within and as myself in exact detail and fully manifested consequences.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pursue only the self-interest of existing within and as an energy experience in blatant dis-regard for all life as can be seen and evidenced by this physical reality as it is now in all its manifested, extensive, and brutal abuses to the beings here right now on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and diminish my beingness as a consequence to living as the mind for the experience of energy.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that everything that I give of myself to the mind to live for me, is given away and thus my being-ness is diminished until I stand up and take back what I have given away of myself to energy and the mind, all for the ultimate experience of energy.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider changing my starting point to that what is best for all within the consideration that everything that I do, in-fact, affects all equally as one, which includes self which thus means that what is best for all is actually true self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that energy is a product of the physical and only serves to create a feeling of living / a mirror image of life, but is not actually living.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I remain here as a physical breathing being, requiring no experience of energy to be here, satisfied, happy, and entertained, that within this, I am already living here as my natural expression and taking a directive stand as the physical wherein I remain constant and stable as a physical being as; but that within my starting point of seeking only the ‘ultimate experience’ of energy, I am bowing down to energy and giving up my natural expression that is already whole and complete, for the experience of energy which is unstable and runs in cycles from positive to negative.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my starting point of self-interest, where I only seek the ultimate experience of self in-spite of all others and regardless of the consequences that I inflict on others through the relentless conversion of the physical that is required to support my energetic experience of self, is actually self-destructive; wherein, even though things may seem ‘good’ now, I will wind up extinguishing myself, through my own self-interest where I am relentlessly diminishing my physicality / my being-ness to the point that I will eventually be self-consumed for the sake of energy creation to the point where I no longer have any ability to stand within any directive principle of self as a physical being and thus will become the subject to energy as my master and less than life– where the very thing that gave me pleasure becomes my master and my own destruction.

Day 266 – Who I Was from the Beginning – Re-aligning my starting point

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this existence and reality, exactly as it exists right now in every minute detail, is a direct outflow of consequence showing me the consequences of existing within the starting point of self-interest – where I seek only the experience of self in spite of all others and have been doing so since the beginning of time; and thus, within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this very existence is already showing me the fully manifested consequences of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the mind and as energy as my starting point.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that if my starting point were, ‘I as all as one as equal as substance, of life’, where I consider all as one as equal as who I am in every breath and only act from a starting point of what is best for all within the realization that I am in-fact all of existence as substance, of life, and there is nothing ‘out-there’ that is more than me here, because we are all substance in different form – that within this starting point, I would have manifested a completely different reality thus reflecting a different truth of self and starting point.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that we are all in-fact exactly the same, in that we are all the awareness of substance, which is simply here everywhere in existence, that has created energy as a consequence of our starting point of self-interest where we look outside of ourselves for the answers as if there is something more than who we are right here, and also we seek only our own experience in-spite of all others as if we are separate and not equal and one as substance of life, which then causes friction and then that friction creates energy as a consequence of which we eventually became enslaved to as the mind as consciousness.

Day 265 – Who I Was from the Beginning, I

After listening to the ‘History of the Universe’ as well as many of the Soul of Money Interviews on Eqafe Interviews:

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have created everything that is here, indirectly and directly, through who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a direct result of my starting point.  Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a starting point of self-interest where I consider only myself, but yet look outside myself for all the ‘answers.’ 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the simple point that this, as in all of existence as it exists right now, is I.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look outside of myself for all the answers to what, how, and why we are here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project blame on others, that represents points in this world as it exists right now, for what is here; when I see, realize, and understand that I am responsible for everything that is here as it exists right now.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that everything that exists here right now, all the abuses in their exact manifestation, are showing me the truth of who I really am and have allowed myself to be and become through my starting point of self interested and spite, where I seek my own self-interest in spite of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conveniently forget how I in-fact, in-directly for the most part, created everything that is here as an expression / reflection of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, within and as myself, over billions of years.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have, in-fact, been here the whole time, recycled life after life as an interdimensional being at first, and then after my ‘enslavement’ into this physical body, life after life here on earth – with no memory of my previous lives.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the ultimate consequences of my living out my starting point of self-interest in spite of others and the effects / consequences of my actions on others – has brought me to this point here, where I have been captured and placed in a physical body and enslaved to a mind consciousness system by others beings who were doing the exact same thing as I am doing – where they enslaved me for their own self-interest in-spite of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that acting in self-interest, where what is best for all is not considered, in spite of everyone else, creates energy as a consequence, both positive and negative energy.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this energy that I created indirectly through my own self interest, not considering others and also looking outside of myself for all the ‘answers’, eventually overtime evolved into consciousness and then the mind which eventually trapped within and as the very energy that I created in separation of myself as the source of that energy.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider the point that everything that is here, in physical form, is of the same substance, ultimately.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that because everything is the same thing, which is substance, then everything is in fact equal, just in different forms and expressions. 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my original starting point of self-expression was just a simple awareness of myself as substance, which is the ‘matter’ of everything that is physically here, both dimensionally and inter-dimensionally.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this awareness preceded the mind, and that life thus was already here long before the mind.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I, as substance of life, naively interpreted what I experienced as something separate from me, and then wondered at it not realizing that it was me in a different form, as substance of life.  From here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of wonder and awe at myself as substance and then from there, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be focused on my experience of myself in relationship to the other forms that I came across in my interdimensional existence, never realizing or considering that everything was me in the first place.   Through this ‘awe’, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop within and as myself the belief that there must be something more out there – never considering and never realizing that everything that exists is of the same substance of life and thus is actually me in a different form and expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be operating from the same starting point now, in my physical body, mind-consciousness, enslavement – where I am still doing the same thing that I was doing way back in the beginning.

Day 264 – The Money System Is a Giant Mind, III – So, this is me.

So, if the money / monetary system is, and operates, just like my own mind, where money equals energy from the starting point that like energy, which is required to move self as the mind / as thoughts, feelings, emotions, characters, personalities, fears, etc., so too is money required for one to move self in this world.  No money, and one will starve to death, be homeless, lose relationships with others, and not be able to participate in this world, just like the mind would not be able to exist, move, and substantiate itself without energy. 

Money is energy.  Energy is money.  The mind is energy.  The mind does not move without energy.  This economic system does not move without money. 

Thus, who I am within and as my own mind is reflected within this economic system, as it exists right now on planet earth. 

Therefore, I can see who and what I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as, within my own mind, by simply looking at this world.  And by looking at this world, I can see that by participating in my mind, I am manifesting both this economic system as well as the consequences that this economic / monetary system brings – the consequences of war, famine, starvation, poverty, disease, illness, rejection, separation, loneliness, suicide, murder, rape, torture, loss, animal abuse, abuse of this planet, exploitation – this is who I am right now. 

Sure, there is a positive side too.  Energy comes in both negative and positive, together.  Energy contains the trait of polarity.  Thus, through participating in the energy of the mind, I am also manifesting all the ‘good’ in this world; however, the so-called ‘good’ is completely un-qualified when others suffer at the same time.  Thus, regardless of the so-called ‘good’, the reality of self is that one is no ‘better’ than what is actually here in this physical manifested reality; and what is here is a tremendous amount of suffering – which is the negative consequences of participating in the mind as reflected through, within and as the negative consequences of this current economic / monetary system on this planet right now. 

Thus, the negative is what you accept and allow in-spite of everyone else.  If one accepts and allows the negative because one has justified the negative through the positive that also exists, then one is deluding self because the reality is that both the positive and the negative exist together always; and therefore, if you accept one, you accept and allow the other.  If you accept and allow winners, you accept and allow losers.  If you accept and allow people to have more money than they need, then you accept and allow people to have less money than they need.  Until one decides to no longer accept and allow self to be directed and controlled by positive or negative energy of the mind, then one accepting and allowing and giving permission for all the ‘negative’ consequences here on planet earth to exist, regardless of the positive pictures that one wants to believe in / believe self to be. 

It’s a simple equation.  When I participate in energy / my mind, I give permission for this world to exist as it exists right now in every way, shape, and form of abuse, because this world as it exists now is moved by money which is equal to the energy that moves the mind.

Thus, every breath that I miss, every reaction that I allow, delays that point in time when abuse will end here on this planet. Thus, every point of suffering in this world reveals a point of abuse within self / within what I accept and allow within my own mind, especially that which I react to.  If I see abuse, and then react with thoughts like ‘oh fuck that!  That is so cruel!  Those people are ‘evil’, whoever is doing that abuse’ – that reaction reveals that I am doing the same thing, or something very similar within my own mind.  So, within that point let’s ask some questions:  Who are the abusers of animals? Answer: The Vegans.  Question: Who are the wagers of war?  Answer: The peace activists.  Question: Who are the real rapists? Answer: The prudes who hide their sexuality in morality and self-righteousness.  Question: Who are the devils on this planet?  Answer: The light workers and the religious.  Question: Who are the advocates of poverty and starvation?  Answer: The positive thinkers who use the law-of-attraction to draw money to themselves.  Question: Who are the gatekeepers of knowledge?  Answer:  The academics.  Question: Who are the champions of this system of in-equality?  Answer:  The chartable.  But, in fact, we are all doing all of it.

You see, each group of beings follows these paths in order to do ‘right’, bring ‘justice’, and end abuse, and are driven by their adverse reactions to abuses in this system - believing they can force a change in this outer world by trying to control others, not realizing the source of the abuses is their very participation in their own minds as energy which is equal to and one with money and this monetary system which facilitates all the abuses on this planet.  Thus, the ‘activists’ seek to hide from themselves by doing what is ‘right’ so that they can help create the illusion and picture of themselves as being someone who they are not, in fact. 

Do you want to end all the abuse on this planet that is made possible by this monetary system?  Then end the abuse that you are inflicting on your body / the earth, by and through the participation in the energy of your own mind.

Day 263 – The Money System Is a Giant Mind, II – “As Above, So Below”

So, continuing from the last post, the way our minds run is one and equal to the way our economic system runs.  The energy that fuels and charges up the mind to create experiences such as thoughts, feelings, and emotions is one and equal with money that fuels and powers this economic system to create the experience of having needs, wants, and desires fulfilled.  Without money, it is impossible to move yourself in this economic system, just like without energy, it is impossible to move yourself as the mind.  And just like this economic system that requires the resourcing, extraction, and conversion of the physical matter from this planet into a product that can be consumed in order to create money, the energy that fuels and charges the mind requires resourcing, extraction, and conversion of the substance of the physical body.  Thus, this economic system is a direct reflection of how we exist as the mind – This money system is a giant mind.

Thus, principle of ‘As within, so without’, or ‘As above, so below’, applies here.  You see, as it is within our minds, so too is our economic system and money system here on this planet’.   And, ‘as above, within the heaven of the imaginations and pictures within our minds, so to this economic system operates.’ So, why is this so? 

Is it possible that we are actually creating our external world as a reflection of who we are within and as our very minds?  Is it possible that this world is showing us who we are existing as – as a direct reflection of whom we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become?  Is it possible to look at this world, in its entirety, and say ‘this is who I am?’

The mind needs energy to survive.  We need money to survive.  The mind must create energy through harvesting the physical body.  Where do you think energy comes from?  Energy dissipates and then must be renewed.  Thus, a constant creation of energy is required to fuel and power the thoughts, feelings, emotions, constructs, imaginations, characters, and personalities of the mind.  Thus, if one does not participate in the mind, then the mind will not be able to resource the body for more energy and thus the mind will be energy starved over time and will eventually cease to exist. 

So, in order to sustain yourself as the mind, you must work and toil to create energy.  Just like, in order to sustain yourself in the physical existence, you must work and toil to create money.  Thus, if you do not work and toil to create energy, in other-words; if you do not accept and allow yourself to participate in thoughts, feelings, emotions, imaginations, fears, characters, and personalities which is the work and toil of the mind, then you will slowly starve the mind to death.  Just like, if you do not work and toil to create money in your account, then you will slowly starve yourself to death due to not having access to the system that supports all life on this planet – the monetary system. 

So, OMG!  Am I saying that if we all stop our minds, that because this external world is a reflection of our inner world, as within the principle ‘as within, so without’, that that means that we will have no money and then all starve do death!?  Heaven forbid!  LOL.  This would be true if we were indeed the mind!   But, my dear friends, we are not the mind!  Life goes on without the mind!  This can be proven within the point that we still exist and are still here when we are able to stop our minds as our thoughts, feelings, emotions, imaginations, fears, characters, and personalities. 

So, no, we will not starve to death if we stop our minds.  We will still be here and from here, without our minds, we will establish new economic / monetary systems that supports us that reflect who we are within our selves, as human physical beings of no mind.  And these new systems will be different and way less abusive – in fact, we may even be able to establish a system where no abuse exists at all - as the new system will reflect the reality of who we are without the mind.

And maybe we should do this.  I mean, have you paid attention to the extensive abuse that this economic / monetary system has inflicted upon this planet and the beings that live on this planet?  I mean, in order to create money, beings must suffer.  This is just a plain fact.  And this is so, because like the mind that resources the body to convert its physical substance into energy with absolutely no regard to the physical body beyond keeping it alive for future usage, this economic system has absolutely no regard for this planet beyond keeping it alive for future usage.  What I mean by ‘keeping it alive for future usage’ is that this economic system, like the mind, does strive to at least try to not kill its host – the body and the earth respectively.  I mean, any good parasite at least does its best to not kill the host, for self-serving purposes, of course.

So, reading between the lines here, another point comes up, and that is that we are the earth, in that we are of the same substance derived from the earth, and money is energy in that money is the product of our work and toil here on earth like energy is the product of our work and toil within and as the mind.  We, like the earth, are being used and abused to support our minds, which is one and equal with how this economic system treats the earth.  We are physical beings, of the same substance of the earth.  We die and go back to the earth where money and energy are irrelevant outside of the direct  consequences that it is inflicting about our physicals.  We, as physical beings of the same substance of the earth and all of existence, support the existence of energy and money through our participation in the mind of which is where we separate ourselves from what is here and instead enter the virtual reality of energy and money..

Day 262 – The Money System Is a Giant Mind

The money system is a giant mind.  Here’s how it works.  To support your mind, you convert the physicality of your physical body into energy to support thoughts, feelings, emotions, imaginations, characters, and personalities.  Energy is harvested from the human physical body of by relentlessly converting the physicality of your human physical body into energy, which has adverse consequences such as aging, pain, general breakdown, disease, and ultimately death.  The physical body must be replenished, and this is where eating comes in.  One must eat the proper nutrients and also a substantial amount of them in order to replenish the body at the same rate that it is being consumed and destroy / converted to energy by the mind to support its existence.

Now, to support the money system so that money is constantly flowing (like energy) in order to support each and every one of us, the physicality / the resources, found here on planet earth, must be converted to a product to be consumed in order to be sold in order to generate and create money to exist and then flow into your possession and in your control.  You see, in order to survive in this economic / money system as it is now, you must pay rent and pay bills in constant never ending cycles; and because you must pay-your-way through this economic system in endless repeating cycles requiring a constant renewing of money into your account, you / one must constantly be creating new money / having new money flow into one’s hands.  Thus, in order to always have money to pay bills to survive, one must be relentlessly creating and participating in activities to be creating new products and services to be sold and consumed.  This money must come no matter what the consequences to the physicality of this planet, or else you will not survive; and you cannot survive without money. 

Now, like you cannot survive on this planet without money, you as the mind cannot survive, as a mind, without energy.  Without a constant flow of energy you, as the mind, will cease to exist; just like, without a constant flow of money you will not be able to survive in this system.  And the constant renewing of money to survive in this world as well as the constant renewing of energy to survive as a mind – is primary; meaning, that it is of greater importance than the consequences upon the physical which provided these resources in the first place, because without money and without energy – you will not be able to survive in your current manifestation.  In other words, no matter the consequences, you must generate money to pay rent, buy food and clothes, just like you must generate energy to live your thoughts, feelings, emotions, imaginations, future projections, fears, hopes, dreams, characters, and personalities, all which constitute the mind, Get it?

So, the mind, is like a mine – an interdimensional machine designed to extract energy from the physical; and the more you participate in your mind / mine, by participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions, imaginations, characters, and personalities, the more energy you produce and the stronger the mind gets; just like as in the money system, the more that you labor to create products where the raw materials are extracted from the earth and then converted to become a product, the more money is created and circulated.  And just like a mine, the consequences of this resourcing is secondary to the production purposes.

And what are the consequences that this physical planet, Earth, suffers to support the current money system?  War, pollution, starvation, death.  So, like the money system, the host / the human physical body also suffers the same / or equivalent consequences in order to support the mind as energy. 

Let’s end the abuse.  Let’s stop our minds.  To be expanded upon.

Day 261 – Thoughts are like seeds

 

Thoughts are like seeds.  They start small and grow into trees.  A thought, in its fullest form becomes a personali-tree.  And like seeds, thoughts require something to make them grow into personali-trees.  Actual trees require water, the substance of life.  Peronali-trees require energy as thoughts, feelings, and emotions, the substance of artificial life.  Once established, the personali-tree, that started as a thought / an energy seed, will, like trees, become so well established / so well rooted, that it will change the very landscape of its environment and will prove almost impossible to up-root of the fertile soil of the mind / body relationship, because to rid yourself of the personali-tree, like real trees, one must be careful to pull-up all the roots, for fear that it will grow back one-day. 

So be care full what thoughts you accept and allow.  You may one-day find that those seemingly innocuous, slightly pleasurable, and very curious ‘thoughts’ were the very seeds that sowed your own destruction.   Oh yes, like seeds, thoughts seem so harmless.  But remember, there is a time for planting and there is a time for harvest – and the harvest is always a product of what you sow. 

So, remember the next time you accept and allow that fleeting thought that, like the serpent in the garden of evil, entices you, through your own desires for greatness, for pleasure, and to be more than who you are right here, to go into and taste that thought / that seed; because one day that thought, just like a seed, might grow into a personali-tree, and then the effort to remove it from your life may prove impossible – unlike a seed that can simply be destroyed by not planting it.

Day 260 – Who am I within money, II?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insecure / not know how to act / what to do while in the presence of those who make more money than me.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see those who make more money than me as superior and then react in inferiority, insecurity, and nervousness while in their presence.  Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the desire to avoid being in the presence of those who make more money than me and are more successful than I am at my age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can ‘equalize’ myself with others through the acquisition of money and success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see the money / the carrot at the end of the stick, without considering the consequences and ramifications of how that money came about, what processes were needed, what resources were needed to bring that money into existence.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have only allowed myself to see the positive side of money – the end result of having money where one is able to hide in the security of being able to buy things to present to the world a picture of how one would like to be seen by others – and then to ignore the negative aspect of money, which is the creation of money wherein I ignore the suffering, the hardship, the debt, and the environmental destruction that was required to bring that money into existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by money, where I am unworthy of standing in the presence of others unless I make as much as them or more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the old saying ‘he who dies with the most toys wins.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money within the point that I fear making a lot of money because I believe that I am not worthy of making a lot of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to making a lot of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize my relationship to money where I fear it and desire it at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ripped off – where I react in anger when and as I perceive myself to being ripped off / not getting what I believe that I paid for.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this very economic system is a system of ripping others off so that a few can have everything and that I am always ripping someone off whenever I buy something within the point that all are virtually compelled to work for less than what they would agree to if they had any power in this system, and that resources are stolen / taken from countries and regions that are subjected economically by this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as empowered through money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as disempowered when I spend money, especially large sums of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that power is achieved through having lots of money.  Within this belief, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am creating the experience of being disempowered, within and as myself, so long as I do not have any money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to idolize the rich as being icons of true success, and see being rich as something positive, when I have not allowed myself to realize that the processes of becoming rich requires the very negative conditions of slave labor and resource extraction and abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that money only serves to allow those who have it to present pretty pictures of themselves to the world so that they can continue to gain more access to money which only serves self interest – that there is no need for money beyond basic needs and being empowered to move the system to reflect that what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a looser unless I have lots of money.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that, as evidenced in this physical reality right now, there must be far more losers’s than there are winners in order to support the construct of being rich.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have ignored the realizing that the winner’s in this system must create more loser’s in order to keep on winning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the desire to present myself to the world in a certain way that can only be done through having money of which I feel empowered or disempowered to be ‘who I really am’ depending on if I have money and how much money that I have. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that within this current economic system, most people must be ostracized from the system otherwise we would destroy the earth far faster than we are doing today; and thus, some of us where given the ability / personality design and signature to make lot’s of money wherein these types typically knew what they wanted to do from when they were young and also have the personality characteristics to be able to a success and empower themselves within and as this system, while the rest of humanity are left to fend for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that those few who make it from rags-to-riches, in this current economic system, where pre-programmed to do so in order to create ‘hope’ and be a symbol of ‘hope’, as in ‘you can do it too’, for the rest of the masses that were not so fortunate to have such a personality design in order to keep the worker slaves moving and not give up in their dead-end go no-where slave jobs that are required to be done so that the rich can continue to be rich.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that becoming rich and successful, in this system, is a function of one’s pre-programmed personality design of which has nothing to do with who one really is as the physical.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the amount of money one makes is simply a function of one’s personality design and also opportunities that by a matter of luck within the position of where one is born in this world – and that this has no reflection on what or who one really is and what one is really capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission for this system of competition and winner takes all to exist through my tacit approval of this system by my participation in this construct.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that everyone is simple competing for the best personality design that can bring them the most money and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself in ways only to bring about the most money possible into my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the hearing of someone that I know as being super-successful trigger emotional reactions of fear, insecurity, and then belittle of others in order to bring them down to my level, to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that money should have always been and should be now - just a practical tool to measure value and exchange goods that can be used to support my existence on this planet.

I commit myself to equalize myself with my relationship towards money where I money becomes a practical tool to take care of my basic needs on this planet.

Day 259 – Who am I within money?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘successful’ only when and, as I am able to make a lot of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the color green that is on dollar bills to success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the idea of being successful as positive  / good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-worth in the amount of money that I can make within the point that the more money that I make the more self-worth that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others who make more money than I make, especially if they are younger than me, and then to judge them as better-than / more-than me if they make more money, or appear to make more money, than I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through judging those who make more money than I do as ‘better than / more than’ me, create and connect fear / a fear reaction to expressing myself while in their presence where I then suppress my main ‘personality’ so that they will not judge me as inferior to them.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my main personality as negative / bad / unsuccessful because of the fact that I have not been able to make a lot of money in this world system as it exists now.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold spite towards others who make more money than me within this realization that it is just their pre-programmed design that allows them to do so and thus they are not really living as their true self-expression and thus they are only ‘successful’ incidentally due to their pre-programmed personality design and thus within that point, I am at least equal to them because we are all in fact just living out our pre-programmed design- and that within that point, I see myself as superior to them because I am at least able to see through the veil that is the mind and thus within this point, I spite them in my mind as if I am really superior to them because they are just living out their illusion / pre-programmed existence as ‘successful’ in this system while I am at least self-aware of this point.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be competing with others for supremacy within the point of self-awareness, because making lots of money isn’t working, not realizing that this is actually another energy system / trap of the mind that I am suppressing myself within and as and thus again enslaving myself into the polarity equation of superior / inferior instead of just living here as a true equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself a separate personality for dealing with and interacting with successful people who are better off than me financially – where I tense-up and consider / judge every word that comes out of my mouth before speaking to ensure that I do not say things that will reveal to them that I am inferior / less than. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the desire to become rich like them so that I can be equal to those who make lots of money and thus alleviate my fear and anxiety while in their presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with all life on earth for supremacy within the point of making as much money as I can so that I can experience myself as the ultimate winner – not considering the consequences that I am creating through this such as war, starvation, poverty, and the destruction to our environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eventually change my point of competition to competing on an intellectual level within the point that ‘over the course of my life, making lots of money never happened or hasn’t happened yet’ and thus within that now I compete on an intellectual level within the point of ‘I am the smartest of all.’

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what I am doing within competing for money so that I can fulfill my desires to see myself as the winner, as superior, as the coolest being on earth is that I am at war with others within my own mind and thus supporting war within this world because within this I am giving permission for others to do the same as me and this is expressed within the war that is here within the point that those who have the power to wage war are doing the same thing – exerting their supremacy through competing for resources and money so that they can live the expression of being the ultimate winners.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that competing to be the ultimate winner which is reflected in having the ultimate personality design manifestation that can bring the most self worth which is equated to financial worth is rooted in a fear of death / a fear for survival which is of the mind and of energy because energy always collapse back into its source – the physical, and thus within this I am living as an expression of energy – fearing for my survival and doing everything in my power to evade death. 

Day 258 – Desire to be rich, III – Positioning myself as the ‘eccentric’ yet to be millionaire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to position myself, in my own imagination, as the ‘eccentric yet to be millionaire’ in order to create within and as myself the experience of superiority over others that I have perceived as rejecting me and thus have experienced inferiority towards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality / character of eccentricity within and as myself, wherein I made myself and presented myself as eccentric as I could be so that I could convince myself that I am indeed eccentric so that I can make my belief system that ‘I would be an eccentric millionaire one day’ that much more believable to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I am not able to get the women that I want and not able to socialize the males the way that I want because I am eccentric and thus secretly superior to them to the point where they just don’t understand me and my actual superiority.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an eccentric narrative about myself as the solution to the original narrative that I had about myself where I perceived myself to be inferior to others / less than others / unworthy of others – wherein through my ‘solution’ that I am eccentric, I have now convinced myself that I am greater than others / more than others / and that others are actually not worthy of me.

I forgive myself that, instead of facing myself as insecure and releasing myself form the negative energy experience of insecurity through standing up as life, as the physical, and accepting myself for who I am as who I am as a physical being equal and one with all as me, that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an-alter ego personality system as the ‘eccentric yet to be millionaire / ultimate winner / super intelligent genius / ahead of his time / ahead of his generation / beyond the average Joe’ – as the ‘solution’ to my experience of insecurity and not getting what I want from others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within the creation of the ‘eccentric yet to be millionaire’ personality and belief system, that I created within and as myself as the solution to my experience as the ‘loser’ in comparison to the other guys whom I perceived to be getting what they want and thus winning, that I have created both the positive experience of feeling more than / superior and also the negative experience of feeling insecure and inferior to others as a consequence that would always be there in the background.

I commit myself to no longer play energy games with myself where I create personalities, characters, stories about who I am in order to create a positive energy experience of perceiving that I am a winner, superior, and more than others in order to combat the inferiority and insecurity that exists within and as me.  I see, realize, and understand that this is self-deception and that I am only creating and perpetuating the negative experience as a consequence of this as well as the fact that I am living a personality construct as a positive energy experience that is not who I really am as life, as the physical, as the breath.

I commit myself to look at what I do, what I say, and who I am within it by always asking the question ‘what is motivating me to behave this way?  Fear?  Desire for acceptance?  Desire to be seen by self or others as more than / superior?  Am I acting from a starting point of inferiority and insecurity?  Am I competing for resources, attention, power, and to get what I want from others as an energy experience? 

I commit myself to look at my self-definition – who am I really?

I commit myself to end the characters and personalities that I am existing as to get what I want, and start living here as who I really am in every moment of breath as a physical being as the breath as all as one as equal where no polarities exist of inferior / superior, more than / less than.

I commit myself to examine my desires to see if they are of life within having desires for that what is practical as self expression and self-support, or are my desires to fulfill polarity equations such as desiring something to make myself feel better from a starting point of feeling negative / bad, or to give me an energetic experience of gratification from a starting point of being unsatisfied with who I am here – as if who I am is incomplete and lacking.   Or the desire for attention from women and men in order to make myself feel better about whom I am.  -  Are these desires motivating me, or am I being motivated by self as an expression of life to do that what is best for all?  Are my desires best for all?

When and as I see myself going into behaviors, characters, and personalities that are used to fulfill self-interest in creating some form of a positive energy experience, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to do this because I see, realize, and understand that this is of the mind, is not who I really am, and creates separation that, thus through this separation, creates and perpetuates the very ‘problems’ of feeling insecure  / inferior / like a looser, that I seek to solve through these systems in the first place.  I thus commit myself to breathe, and slow down, and live as who I am as the physical.

Day 257 – Desire to be rich, II

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the desire to be rich as the solution to my inferiority complex where through becoming rich I would be vindicated as being better than all the rest.  Within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the desire to be rich is not a solution to felling inferior / less than and unworthy of others and their attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself as ‘eccentric’ and thus participate and create within and as myself the idea and belief that I am ‘eccentric’ as a way to make myself feel better about myself as a solution to my social awkwardness / social problems / social frustration.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word ‘eccentric’ as positive / good due to my participating in the idea and perception that ‘rich people are eccentric / different than normal people’; and thus, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a positive experience within and as myself as a result of participating in the idea and belief that I am ‘eccentric’.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create positive emotional bodies within and as myself attached to the belief system that I created within and as myself that I am eccentric- and thus within my participation in the idea and belief that ‘I am eccentric’ I created an alternate world within and as my own my where I became a superior being who was thus not able to be recognized as such by others because I am eccentric.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that one day I would be rich because of my belief that I am ‘eccentric and that rich people are eccentric’.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly see myself as better than others of which one day this will be self-evident to all within the fact that I will eventually be rich – the ultimate winner.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how I manipulated myself with words, ideas, and beliefs within the point that when I defined myself as ‘socially unskilled / not fun to talk to / not interested to talk to / dorky / boring’ in comparison to others as a reaction to my social interactions with them, I then felt ‘bad / less than / inferior’ about myself and who I was – and then, when I defined myself as ‘eccentric’ in comparison to others as a reaction to my social interactions with them, I then secretly felt superior about myself and who I am in comparison to others.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-manipulation / step into the self-manipulation character, as a solution, where I manipulate myself to create ideas and belief systems about reality and who I am within in it in order to make myself feel better / feel superior about who I am.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play energy games with myself where I am constantly competing with others and manipulating myself to create within and as myself the positive experience of being the winner / the one / superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification that ‘I am eccentric and thus that is why no one can relate to me’ to explain my internal experience of not being able to get what I want emotionally from women and men in my social interactions with them; and that within the point of defining myself as eccentric, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as a way for me to feel better / good about myself no matter if I get what I want or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that defining myself as eccentric and then believing that I will one day be rich and thus expecting that I will eventually be rich one day is no solution to my inferiority / insecurity that I experience within and as myself in relation to others; because within participating in this, I am only creating a positive energy experience within and as myself through this belief system in order to suppress and cover-up the negative energy experience that already exists; and thus within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that no matter if I actually become rich or not, the inferiority / insecurity will still exist within and as me.

 

Day 256 – Desire to be rich

Not so much anymore, but for a long time I had a huge desire to be rich.  This was never fulfilled, of course, as I am anything but rich.  And why did I desire to be rich?  Well, that is an interesting question.  The answer to that is that I had deep insecurities growing up that seemed to get worse by the time I was a teenager and young adult.  I felt inferior to others.  I had trouble communicating and making friends because I was afraid to talk, afraid to express myself.  I compared myself to others and then through comparison and judgment saw myself as less intelligent, not fun, boring, and felt as if I had nothing to say.  I had a lot of anxiety socially.  I had trouble getting girl-friends. I would freeze-up while talking to women.  Although my early child-hood has lots of satisfying memories of good-times with friends, as I became an older kid, like at high-school age, I found that I had less and less friends and really the only friends that I had were the kids that ‘pushed’ their way into my life.  I felt un-worthy to talk to the females that I was sexually attracted to.  This really got to me.  I saw all my friends and the other guys at school with girl-friends, but I had none.  Well, ironically, at first I had several girl friends, but by the time I was in like eleventh grade and on, it was like I could no longer communicate with the opposite sex and this went on until I was like 28 years old.  In essence, I felt inferior to all the other kids and young adults and this inferiority got worse by the time I was like 14 years old or so and lasted throughout my 20s.  I also felt different than everyone else, like I was the only one that is like me – weird, I guess you can say.

So, I started to create within and as myself a desire to be rich as the solution to my problems.   I started to create a story within and as myself like ‘I am some kind of super-genius who nobody understands, like Einstein or something’.   And this would explain why I can’t seem to get along with everyone and get what I want – which is sex and relationships with women, and respect from guys.

And so, time went on and this inferiority problem that I had didn’t seem to get any better and I wasn’t getting what I want, which was fulfullment in either male or female relationships; and thus, I was seeing myself as an outsider more an more, and then this desire to be rich started to emerge and the become stronger and stronger. 

I also started to create a story about myself where I was like this eccentric yet-to-be millionaire, because there are rumours and stories about eccentric millionaires and how millionaires are so different that the regular people out there – so I started believing this about myself.  And so, I started to have all these expectations that one day I would be rich, like I had convinced myself that this would actually happen.  Then, this through this belief system that I had created about myself, I started to feel secretly superior to others –as if ‘you will see!  I will be rich one day’.  And so the desire to be rich became stronger within and as my experience because I could not wait for that day to happen to me, that day I would become rich and then proved to the world, and really myself, that I am not only equal to everyone, but actually better / superior.

So, years went by and I never became rich.  Instead, I never found a good job, or a really good job in that I have a decent job but I am definitely anything but rich!  And so, eventually this desire to be rich became not so strong as participating in this is like torture when it is not actually happening, you know. 

So who was I within all this?  I was competing with everyone else for supremacy and status.  I felt inferior.  I experienced myself as inferior and wanted to experience myself as superior through being rich.  Through being rich, I perceived that I would be able to get what I want and that is ‘respect’ from men and attention from women; and to be seen by others as someone who actually is cool, who actually is intelligent, who actually does have his shit together.  You see, I had projected my own self-judgment onto others wherein I perceived others to be judging me as inferior, stupid, socially inept, boring and then wanted to prove everyone wrong through becoming rich – the ultimate winner!  And then this never happened, so I had to eventually let this desire go because it wasn’t really serving its purpose any longer as I started to have to face myself as the one who wants to be rich and then doesn’t become rich – and that’s like torturing yourself.

So, it is interesting what really motivates us and who we really are within it.

Day 255 – Fear of living as the Physical, IV

When and as I see myself reacting in fear / connecting fear to the idea and / or experience of living here as a physical being, in physicality, with no positive energy experience to exist within and as, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to react in fear / connect fear to this because I see, realize, and understand that fear is not real and does nothing to protect me or secure my survival.  I see, realize, and understand that this fear is of the mind within the starting point of fear of death and survival / the survival of the mind / of me as energy / as a being of energy.  I see, realize, and understand that I am not a being of energy and that it is energy that eventually ends and collapses back to its source, the physical of who I am and align myself as when I take my stand as the director of me and breathe and remain stable within in and as my physical body as me, with no positive or negative energy experience whatsoever.  Thus, I commit myself to say out-loud in a calm, directive, and gentle voice to myself, when the fear reaction occurs, the words ‘No, I am not this fear.  Fear will do nothing for me.’  From here, I direct myself to breathe and stop my participation in this fear through breathing until I am clear and there is no fear.

When and as I see myself in a situation where I start to feel bored and then go into the back-chat that like ‘there is nothing fun and exciting to do’, ‘life can’t be this dull?!” ‘I need to feel like I am living life’, and then I react in fear to this and then that fear activates my imagination where I start thinking of all kinds of positive energy experiences that I can participation in and then start comparing myself with others, judging others, become jealous of others, all as a self-manipulation tactic to victimize myself and convince myself to eventually ‘give-in’ to my desire to participate in an experience that I have charged with positive energy, that is of self-interest, and then resist those experiences that I have charged with negative energy through judgment all; so that I can avoid the experience of being bored, or living a dull-life, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to talk myself into engaging in experiences for the thrill or energy that I can derive from them, just so that I can feel alive because I see, realize, and understand that feeling alive is actually not really being alive and that really being alive is simply being right here as the breath, as the physical, constant and stable with no energy experiences whatsoever.  I see, realize, and understand that it is the physical is the source of energy, and that energy will always collapse back I into the physical; but the physical is always here and always constant and stable and the same.  Thus, I commit myself to remain here and breathe and delete these thoughts and conversations that I have with myself in my own mind, in order to manipulate myself into my desires that I created within and as myself through judgment to give me experiences of energy, where I separate myself into the energy of the mind / into the mind, by saying to myself ‘no, I stop.  I am here.  I am a physical being’.  I remind myself that I have no need for an energy experience of any kind to satisfy me, to make me feel good, to make me feel alive – because I see, realize, and understand that I am here already alive as the physical in the stability of the breath.  I also remind myself that boredom is not real and only exists in my mind as a consequence to my accepted and allowed thoughts, back-chats, and judgements; and that through this, I create an experience of boredom or excitement within and as myself in relation to what I am doing and how I have judged it, and how I have defined myself within and as it.  Thus, I commit myself to breathe and remind myself that the positive energy experience of the mind is only temporary is not a real solution to living and is not real living.  I commit myself to stop separating myself from here, from physicality, through judgements where I judge things to be good / bad, desirable /undesirable based on my relationship with things and how I have defined myself within that.  I commit myself to sort out my ‘who I am’ within what I do so that I can eventually overtime develop an equal and one relationship with everything that I do where no experience of boredom or excitement exists within and as me – where I am just here, breathing simply doing what is practical, what is necessary for my well being, and what is best for all.  To further assist myself in this process, I commit myself to redefine words such as ‘excitement’, ‘life’, ‘living’, ‘happiness’, ‘entertainment’, ‘fun’ and others like these so that I can live them as who I am in every breath and no long seek an energy experience of them, where I separate myself into the limitation of my own mind.