Day 269 – Who I Was from the Beginning / Re-aligning my starting point: Redefining the word 'living', Part V

When I look at what it means to me to 'live', I automatically go into imaginations, fantasies, and expectations of desires fulfilled, lived, and experienced.  Thus, living and being alive is to me the fulfillment of my desires as imaginations and fantasies.  This is how I grew up expecting things to be.  This was my soul purpose in life - to fulfill my wildest dreams / my imaginations / my fantasies.   This is what I set out to do when I was just turning 18 and starting my 'own' life.  Thus, when I use the word 'living' or 'alive' and am not in a position to have my dreams fulfilled and experienced, then I become depressed / negative; and when I am experiencing a fulfillment of sorts or fantasies, expectations, desires as actual experiences or projected experiences - then I feel 'alive' and have a positive relationship to the word 'living' / 'alive'.

Thus, the word 'living' has a neutral charge to it within and as myself and does not move me positive or negative independent of the context of my current life experience.  Thus, I am driven to create a positive relationship to the words 'living' and being 'alive' through the constant seeking and pursuing of the fulfillment of my desires, expectations, fantasies, and 'dreams'.  This drive is at a subconscious level where if I hear the word 'living' or 'alive' or am questioned by others or even myself in my own mind: 'are you living / are you alive?' - these words act as 'trigger' where upon hearing them, I automatically react with a pre-programmed back-chat / self-analysis where I comb through my life, my experiences, my living conditions, and compare them to the pictures in my mind, the imaginations, the fantasies, the expectations, the desires and if these two points are in alignment, wherein my fantasies, etc., are being fulfilled at least in some way, then my experience as reaction to the word 'living' is positive and I become happy and excited that 'I am really living and feel alive'; yet, if at the time of those words being spoken to me, by me or others, I don't have any means at the moment in my life to fulfill these expectations, fantasies, desires, and imaginations I react with the negative emotions of disappointment, sadness, depression.

Thus, I am always see-sawing through life, seeking the fulfillment of my default definition of 'living' and 'being alive': which is the fulfillment of positive experiences brought about by the fulfillment of my desires, fantasies, imaginations, and expectations.  Thus, within this point, I oscillate between positive and negative emotions and emotional reactions to the words 'alive' and 'living' depending on my current living conditions and expectations in relationship to my fantasies, etc.

But where did I get all these desires, fantasies, imaginations, and expectations in the first place?  Why did I just automatically accept and assume that the fulfillment of these things is what it really means to live?  When and where and why did I define living as the fulfillment of these things in the first place?  Why do I get jealous at those I perceive as fulfilling 'their' fantasies, desires, dreams?  And why have I not ever considered that living for the fulgent of these things creates a condition where one has to be completely subservient to their constant fulfillment, lest the experience ends and then one reverts back to the negative aspect of unfullfillment of these things?  I mean, this is a problem: To define life and living as the fulfillment of ones desires, fantasies, expectations, and dreams puts one in the subservient position of sacrificing all that one has in order to achieve these things.  I mean, what does it take to sustain a life of constant fulfillment of these things?  Has anyone ever really done this or achieved this?  I mean, I desire sex, for instance.  But when the sex has ended, where am I?  Back where I started, seeking more sex.  And that is what living is?  Seeking the same thing over and over again just to live for an experience that can only last for so long?

So, this is self interest: Living for the 'positive' experience and the fulfillment of desires, expectations, imaginations, fantasies in complete disregard for all others and without considering the outflow of consequences that this entails.  Living for an experience is the same thing as living for 'god' and sacrificing self for 'god' - wherein the positive or negative experience is my god within the point that it tells me who I am, what to feel, and directs me in what to do in order to maintain and create the positive experience.