Day 19 – Procrastination

I oftentimes am faced with a task whether it is at work, or at home, or with my writings in self-forgiveness that I simply do not want to do when the time comes.  I put things off until I ‘have to’ do them because often-times I perceive these tasks as interfering with my ability to ‘live life my way’ and ‘have fun’ and also because I resent ‘having’ to do things when I do not feel like doing them.  I even get a little angry if pressed to do a task that I don’t feel like doing.

 

What I have failed to realize is that procrastination is a state and a trait of the mind from the perspective of not taking action immediately in the moment when the moment arrives of something that is required to be done or give direction to - which assists me to live in the past and not in the moment here as breath because when I procrastinate I am always living with that task that needs to be done moment to moment instead of just doing it and moving on to the next moment clear.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when something is asked of me to be done or something is required of me to be done within a moment – say: “nay, I’ll do it later, I don’t want to do it now’ – instead of moving myself to do it in the here moment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be trapped within the ‘now’ of consciousness by not doing what is required of me to be done in a moment, thereby accumulating ‘unfulfilled’ moments within myself – whereby I am literally still trapped in those moments – and thus, of the past.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk as breath, wherein I, in every moment, direct myself within what is here and what is required to be done – in the moment, immediately.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate constantly and continuously as regards to writing self-forgiveness and taking responsibility to stop my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that procrastination is a state and a trait of the mind from the perspective of not taking action immediately in the moment when the moment arrives of something that is required to be done or give direction to. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that procrastination assists the mind consciousness system to– remain in the ‘now’ of the unified consciousness field because it assists and supports the mind consciousness system in remaining in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when procrastination starts becoming a habit of behavior – wherein a moment is here to be given direction to immediately, to instantaneously act, to ‘fulfill’ this moment so that I am able to continue to the next moment, empty and clear for the next ‘placement’ of movement and direction in my world to step forth – I am taking past moments and placing them into my current moment and therefore existing in the past, which is referred to as the ‘now of consciousness’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest a habitual behavior of laziness through constantly and continuously procrastinating – putting things off for the future – creating and manifesting the feeling of laziness as a drug in my mind, to which I’ve become addicted.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the ‘feeling’ derived from laziness to my definition of ‘happiness and fulfillment’ and ‘living life’; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that I am ‘living life’ when I am able to ‘do things my way and on my time’ not realizing that I am just addicted to the feeling of being lazy and procrastinating, and therefor just fucking with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself see, realize, and understand that when procrastination becomes a habit – where I constantly, continually always procrastinate – what happens within the development of me as procrastination is that a relationship formation is designed within and as my mind, as a habit; and this habit infuses into my human physical body, which designs the feeling of laziness.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that laziness is a feeling coming from the source construct, design, habit and behavior of procrastination.  Within this realization, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that laziness is therefore a drug of the mind, the consequential outflow of procrastination.

 

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate instead of applying self-discipline, self-will and self-motivation – and direct every moment, in the moment, as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when asked in a moment to do a certain task, become irritated, angry, etc., and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this reaction is an effectual side-effect of laziness, which comes from the source point as procrastination.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the feeling of laziness as a drug in my mind – whereby I have come to believe that I am unable to move and direct myself in my world – completely accepting myself as the self-definition of ‘I am a lazy person’ – through which I limit myself to the utmost degree.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to laziness and the feeling of laziness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘fulfilled’ according to my ability to put things off that I need to do in order to participate in activities that are more fun in the moment and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and manifest myself as ‘lazy’.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do anything, unless I can see an unpleasant consequence if I am not to do what I require to do – in the near future.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in future projections as a way to handle things that I ‘fear’ may result in an unpleasant consequence if I am not able to do what I require to do – in the near future, as opposed to walking what is required to be done breath by breath in every here moment.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally move myself in every moment – but instead, put things off to a later moment, until I am almost too late and see that if I don’t quickly do what I’m supposed to do, I’ll get into trouble.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put things off that I need to do at work because I have defined these things as boring or tedious or repetitive in which I derive little pleasure not realizing that I am secretly desiring the feeling derived for laziness; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as lazy at work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts that ‘I don’t feel like doing it right now’, ‘nah, I’ll do it later’, ‘ah, can’t I do it later, I don’t want to do it now’ when faced with a task that requires action and within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that these are the words of the drug of the mind as the manifestation of the being of laziness.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the threat and anticipation of trouble to move me instead of me moving myself as me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought and perceived threat of not making my process and therefore ceasing to exit to move me in regards to my process of self-forgiveness instead of me moving myself as me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing punishment and reward to exist as the two motivators in my world, in myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only do something if I will be rewarded for it, or if not doing it will cause me to experience punishment.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to discipline myself within moving and directing myself in every here moment – but instead, allow myself to ‘slack’ and ‘slip’ into laziness.

 

I forgive myself for not applying self-will in every moment, where I will myself to live as me in self-movement, self-direction, self-responsibility and self-honesty in every here moment.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to apply self-will when there is a task at hand, to will myself in walking through the resistance and getting it done – but instead, allow myself to use excuses and justifications to make me believe that it is ‘okay’ to procrastinate and be lazy.

 

When and as I see myself going into procrastination and laziness, I stop and I breathe.  Instead of putting a task off and therefore giving up my ‘here’ moment and living in the past, when something arrives in my moment that needs to be done, I give it attention and direction immediately, thus, remaining here as who I am in every moment of every breath.  I do not accept and allow myself to life in the ‘now’ of consciousness/the past by putting things off until another time.

 

When and as I see myself going into excuses and justifications to not get a specific task done in the moment it needs to be done, I stop and I breathe.  I recognize excuses and justifications such as “I don’t feel like it right now” or ‘I’ll do it later’ or ‘I don’t want to do it now’ and any emotions of anger or frustration or any desire to experience the feeling/drug of laziness that I have defined as ‘living life’ and ‘being happy’ as flag-points that indicate accepted and allowed procrastination and laziness. 

 

When and as I see myself only being motivated to do something for fear of punishment or desire for reward, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to be motivated by conditions outside of myself but rather I get done what needs to be done in any given moment as a point of self-direction and self-discipline and as an expression of life in equality and oneness as the breath because I see, realize, and understand that my only motivation is to remain here as the breath in every moment which only exists as my reality when I am getting things done in the moment that they require to be done.

 

When and as I see myself going into the emotion laziness I stop and I breathe.  I will myself into self-direction/self-discipline and say ‘yes’ and stand up and you go do what is required to be done, right here in the moment – and I walk through that resistance, that drug of the mind as the addiction that has become me. And then I sit back, and then it is done. And then I continue as the moment that is me.

Day 18 – Future Projection

Sometimes, I participate in cycles of future projections where I am imagining the ‘end’ before it’s here, forgetting the practical process that’s required to be walked to handle any particular situation, and comparing my future projections to where I am now in an effort to ‘see’ my way out of a situation that I fear happening to me. 

 

Sometimes, if a greatly fear a certain situation, I become possessed by these future projections to the extent that I literally ‘cannot’ stop them.  When this happens, I am ‘tuned-out’ to my immediate surroundings unable to listen or be ‘here’ with what is going on around me. 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and picture what my future will be like in x amount of days, months, years.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to project a future, in my mind, where I am able to make ‘ends’ meet in order to comfort myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my fear of not having enough money, to fear what I say and how I speak to customers in my business dealings because I may say something ‘wrong’ that would cause me to ‘loose’ money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future wherein I am wording everything just right so as to win my customers over and increase my income.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into compulsive future projections, when I am in fear of not having enough money and not speaking to customers the best possible way in order to have enough money, wherein I am repeatedly going over ‘scenes’ in my mind where I am doing and saying what is necessary to ensure having enough money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think, and perceive that I cannot stop my mind when I am in fear of not having enough money, or in fear that I may have said something wrong to a customer that could result in my not having enough money; and to within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in my mind constantly projecting myself into a future event wherein I am speaking and making things go my way so that I will have enough money.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I project will happen in my mind, is real and will actually happen as I imagine it.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain here in and as breath – but pre-occupy myself within my mind, entering an illusionary world where ‘everything will be better.’

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – instead of directing myself within my physical reality environment, to get things done that I require to do – imagine within my mind that I have already done those things and that I am enjoying the ‘end-result’ – while, in actual fact, I haven’t even started yet.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – instead of directing myself within my physical reality environment to get my self-forgiveness writings done that I require to do – to future project myself within my mind doing these writing and what the writings will be about and within that even become ‘excited’ while, in actual fact, I find a myriad of excuses and justifications to not even start, often times.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use future projections to comfort me when I am afraid of what will or might happen in the future.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use future projections to – in a moment make me feel better, instead of taking responsibility and doing what needs to be done to sort out myself and whatever situation that is dissatisfactory.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my projected/imagined future to my current reality and, within comparison, judge my current reality as ‘worse’ than my projected/imagined future.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in judging my current reality as ‘worse’ than my projected/imagined future – immediately give up and believe that I am unable to change my current position or reality, because it looks like ‘a lot of work’ – giving up on myself before I have even started or given myself a chance.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply sit back, imagining how I would like things to be, waiting for someone else to come and ‘give it’ to me – instead of taking responsibility for myself, my experience and my environment – and moving myself to change myself and my world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to reach or attain ‘enlightenment’ or ‘Christ-consciousness’ which is but mind consciousness manifestations; and within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that who I am is here, in oneness and equality as the breath, as the living word.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit back and wait for something to happen to me, or to someone to come and ‘save’ me and rescue me, while I project out there, imagining what could be – making myself more miserable and more depressed – instead of standing up within me, within and as oneness and equality as myself, in self-honesty in directing me and my world accordingly, because I see, realize and understand that no one is going to come and ‘save’ me.

 

When and as I see myself going into future projections in regards to work, ‘relationships’, money, or any other reason, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to ‘future project’, beyond what may be necessary as a practical tool, because I see, realize, and understand that by my participating in future projections I am not living as life – as the breath, but I am lost in my mind.  Instead of participating in ‘future projections’ I walk moment to moment, only here with what is here in my direct moment in my reality, day to day– and simply just don’t participate in future projections and unnecessary cycling into time-loops that’ll just prolong my process.

 

When and as I see myself going into imaginings of ‘going there’, of delusions of ‘going there’ or ‘getting somewhere’ or ‘reaching something’ or ‘attaining something’ or ‘discovering something’, ‘or solving a problem having to do with relationships or money or any reason that ‘threatens’ my survival’ I stop and breath.  I remain here as breath; I stop the mind through self-forgiveness; I live self-honesty in the moment, and I live words as me as the expression of me as the living word.

Day 17 – Never Enough Time to Write VIIII – Physical Discomfort

If I am sitting for hours straight or off-and-on all day, while I am working, driving, or writing, I usually notice discomfort around my spine/mid-back and at the pelvis-leg joint area because of this joint being bent 90 degrees while in sitting position.  However, when I am sitting for extended periods of time doing something other than writing or working I hardly notice this discomfort.

 

It probably is best, for the body, not to be sitting for too long each day.  However, this can be addressed by taking responsibility on two points:

 

1.     Exercise or stretch daily for at least 10-20 minutes.

2.     Work or write diligently from start to finish as to lessen the time that is required to be sitting.

 

Instead of taking responsibility here, after sitting for an extended period of time I become concerned that this is a ‘problem’, and I use this as a reason to do something else.  I usually become ‘concerned’ about my ‘physical discomfort’ only when I am writing or working.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the reason of ‘physical discomfort’ whether it be in the moment or the potential thereof, to neglect writing myself to freedom on a daily, or at least semi-frequent consistent basis.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotion of ‘guilt’ because of my participation in thoughts that ‘I sit too much and therefore I am abusing my body’

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am using this ‘guilt’ to manipulate myself to fulfill my desires do something other than write or work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sitting too long because it may be debilitating to my body.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, instead of participation in fears of sitting for too long, practically address this real concern of taking care of my body by simply exercising or stretching for at least 10 minutes per day and also by not wasting so much unnecessary time sitting at the computer in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason why I am so ‘aware’ of my body while working or writing is because I am not lost in my mind somewhere but right ‘here’ and that within that when I am lost in my mind I hardly notice my body or have any concern for it.

 

When and as I see myself going into the emotions of guilt and fear because of my participation in thoughts that ‘I cannot sit too long because it is bad for my body’ or because of my observation of ‘physical discomfort and then my participation in thoughts that my body needs a break’.  I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to participate in the emotions of guilt and fear which I am using to manipulate myself to stop writing or working.  Instead I simply address my physical concerns practically, bring myself back to the breath, here, and continue writing or working at the next available opportunity.

 

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts that ‘I am abusing my body by sitting too much’ or that ‘the physical discomfort that I feel needs to be addressed and if not I may be debilitated’, I stop and I breathe.  I bring myself back here in and as the breath and in and as my physical body and then do what is practical and physical to resolve to ensure that my body is not neglected nor is my writing or work.

Day 16 - Never Enough Time to Wrtie VIII - Happiness and Excitement Comes First

The pursuit of happiness is a concept that I have had since I was an adolescent when I learned of the constitution of the United States.  Ever since then, I have justified within myself that this pursuit of happiness was good and noble and required to live a fulfilled life.  The interesting thing is that for most of my life, I have never examined the word happiness and what it means to ‘pursue happiness’, and because of this I have been pursuing things that make me feel happy and excited without realizing that I am participating in an endless cycle of positive and negative energy.

 

Seeking happiness and excitement ‘outside of self’ is actually the pursuit of emotional experiences.  What I have also failed to take into consideration is that this pursuit of happiness and excitement originate from my suppression of the emotions of sadness and boredom.  So, I am caught in a positive and negative polarity mind trap where I am constantly seeking to make myself happy and excited because of my underlying sadness, frustration, and boredom.  On a side note considering this, it is funny to think that in reality the framers of the constitution, by making provision to secure the right to pursue happiness, actually gave us the right to suppress the emotions of sadness and boredom thus keeping a nation of beings enslaved to a polarity of happy and sad.

My pursuit of happiness and excitement has kept me from consistently writing self-honesty because I have defined writing self-honesty as a grueling task and derive no energetic feeling of happiness and excitement from writing whatsoever.  Rather, when I sit down to write or even consider writing, I feel bored and therefore desire for something ‘stimulating’ to distract me from this boredom which I do by seeking things that are ‘stimulating’ such as reading about current affairs, or playing chess, or playing piano, or getting on Facebook (all of these activities are what I currently do to feel excited however, these activities evolve over time as my ‘interests’ change). 

 

While participating in these ‘attention diversions’ I feel happy and excited for a moment, but it only lasts for so long because the energy of happiness and excitement can only last for so long before it dissipates and runs out – and then I seek another activity that may bring the feeling of excitement and happiness and the cycle continues. 

 

This is quite funny because when I look at it, I am doing this almost my entire waking day.  From sun-up to sun down I am looking for the energy fix, ‘attention diversion’, that makes me feel happy and excited that distracts me from the underlying emotions of sadness, frustration, and boredom.  So, this ‘pursuit of happiness’ has worked as a major road-block to making any progress to really being free, here, as the breath of life in oneness and equality.

 

So, rather than pursue happiness and excitement, I should instead seek to remain here as the expression of ‘joy of life’ within oneness and equality as who I am in each and every breath.  In other words, this expression of ‘joy of life’ within oneness and equality is not something of the feeling of happiness or excitement derived from some form of stimulation “out-there”, but is the presence of me as who I am of life within and as oneness and equality ‘here’ – constant, stable, present, and here in each and every breath. 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that happiness exists.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that happiness only exits, because sadness exists.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being in a relationship with a physically good-looking woman, having enough money to live a decent life, having a stable job, being able to engage in activities that catch my interest throughout the day, and being physically active and healthy.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within spending time with the family, friends, my pets, my wife, my kids, and my material possessions.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within a picture of me doing the things that I like most and doing outdoors activities, in separation of myself here.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness outside and separate from me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be happy.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to ‘find’ happiness somewhere ‘out there’ separate from me, instead of investigating why I am not happy with who I am in every moment and to change whatever it is that I am not happy with.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about my personal happiness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that excitement exists.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that excitement only exists because boredom exists.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define excitement within my participating in something that I have defined as ‘stimulating.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define predominantly intellectual activities such as reading about world affairs, reading about the markets, reading about politics and political history, playing chess, and playing piano as ‘stimulating’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to get on Facebook or the desteni site, or my email account to get some social interaction to be stimulated.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in in-person social interruptions because of my need to be excited.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desire to be ‘stimulated’ is the same as my desire for me to be ‘excited’.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that in order for excitement to exist, boredom must exist and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my underlying emotion of boredom by seeking excitement instead of facing my boredom, embracing my boredom, and then releasing my boredom through self-forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a polarity cycle of positive feelings or happiness and excitement, and suppressing negative emotions instead of remaining here within an as each and every breath, constant and stable, of life.

 

I forgive myself that because of my participation in the merry-go-round of happiness and sadness and excitement and boredom I have therefore abdicated my responsibility to myself to remain here in each and every breath and to write myself to freedom on a consistent basis.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that was giving to me as an adolescent of the pursuit of happiness and my ‘right’ to be happy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the memory of feeling good about the idea of being ‘free to pursue happiness’ to drive me to blindly pursue ‘happiness’ my whole life and define the success of my life upon the feeling experience of happiness and how long that I can maintain my experience of happiness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my ability to live a ‘good’ life within my ability to do things that are exciting and fun.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break-up my time to pursue some excitement because I believe that I am unhappy remaining here as breath in each and every moment, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to therefore sabotage my process in self-honesty by not seeing things through from start to finish because of emotions and feeling needs that I have not stopped within each breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pursue the energy of happiness and excitement in order to suppress the emotions of sadness and boredom.

 

When an as I see myself going into the need to participate in the energy addiction of happiness or excitement, I stop and I bring myself back to and as the breath because I see, realize, and understand that by participating in thoughts and feeling ‘that I need to be happy and excited’ I am doing so to suppress my emotions of sadness and boredom, thus participating in a never ending self-created polarity cycle of the mind.

 

When and as I see myself going into the emotions of boredom and sadness and then desiring to be stimulated, or excited to make myself feel happy, I stop and I bring myself back to and as the breath, here; because I realize and accept myself as the expression of ‘joy of life’ within oneness and equality, stable and constant.

Day 15 -Never Enough Time to Write VII - Attention Diversion

Attention diversion is one of my primary obstacles to consistent writing.  Although I do not participate in watching sports, or many of the activities that most of us indulge in, I do divert my attention from being right here with myself in breath to other things, anything that can serve as an excuse not to be right here. 

 

For instance, when I sit down to write, often times I will take a ‘quick few seconds (that often become minutes and even hours)’ to surf the internet and read about various wars, or rumors of wars, or the economy, or political interests, or a multitude of other interests such that mostly have to do with the condition of our world and the so many forms of suffering that we all go through all over the planet; or I will get on Facebook, or check out the main desteni.org site (again after just checking it out) to see if anyone responded to my latest post, or I will check my email accounts, or I will practice piano, or I will play online chess, or watch TV.  I guess you can say that I spend a lot of time in the ‘digital’ world, and although these activities are not problems in and of themselves, they are all serving as ‘attention diversions’ to my being ‘here’ with myself directing myself in every moment of breath doing what is necessary to be done within the starting point of oneness and equality and what is best for all.

 

I also participate in these ‘attention diversions’ to almost the same extent while at work. 

 

My reason for allowing myself to participate in these ‘attention diversions’ is that I reach a point, quite often and quite easily, where I just simply need more ‘stimulation’ than what I can get while working or writing self-forgiveness, because of my participation in thoughts that ‘I am bored’ or ‘writing of working isn’t fun’.

 

In addition to these ‘attention diversions’ I also be caught up in things that I actually do need to tend to such as working, spending time with the kids and partner and family on occasion, taking care of my kids, taking care of my pets, taking care of my house, or cooking for the family or just myself, of which I participate in these activities all to a certain degree that I feel is adequate, within being ‘responsible’.   In addition to my consistent work schedule, I am often times ‘whisked away’ to go take care of these responsibilities as they occur; and therefore my time is very difficult to manage in general, and often times even more difficult to manage because of the fact that I waste so much of the time that I do have on ‘attention diversions’.

 

So, I see how these ‘attention diversions’ are serving to assist me in abdicating my self-responsibility because by participating in these ‘attention diversions’ I am not directing myself in every moment and thereby giving my power away to that which is ‘catching’ my attention because I am deliberately allowing myself to be distracted because I don’t want to do what is required to be done in every moment of breath from the starting point of equality and oneness and what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my attention to be diverted away and separate from me here.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be here as breath in every moment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my curiosity and ‘lose myself’ within entertainment, playing piano, reading on the internet, playing chess all while in the meantime not being aware of who I am here in the moment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately distract myself from what is here, because I do not want to do what requires to be done in the here moment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately distract myself from what is here because I do not want to hear what is begin said in this moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be ‘stimulated’ in some way, whether it be reading about something interesting, or eating, or playing piano, or getting on Facebook, or watching TV, or playing chess, or socializing, or going to an event, to be having ‘fun’ and enjoying my ‘life’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being right here as breath by participating in the thought that I need to ‘do something fun (outside of myself here) in order to be enjoying my life’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate in the thought that ‘I cannot just be right here as breath in every moment, but that I need to be stimulated and entertained’.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what I am doing by participating in the thought that ‘I cannot just be right here as breath in every moment because I need to be stimulated and entertained’ is in-fact justifying the seeking of an energy fix/high to ‘stimulate’ me as my mind in order to continue my existence as a mind consciousness system.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to connect the thought that ‘if I am not doing something in this very moment that is stimulating and entertaining then I will not enjoy my life’ to the emotional experience of being ‘bored’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and create the emotional experience of being bored which I use as an excuse to seek an energy fix by doing something that entertains me as my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is boring by just being here in every moment as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being bored.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just being here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘break-up’ the time that I do have to write by participating in fleeting passions and desires as to derive energy from something, anything, rather than to discipline myself within every moment of breath to be ‘here’ so as to be the most effective that I can be within the starting point of oneness and equality and what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot just be ‘here’ within and as breath as me directing me from start to finish each and every time that I write self-honesty, self –forgiveness, and corrective application.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my thoughts, feelings, and emotions because of my idea of this being necessary for me to be a ‘happy and content being’, in separation of myself here as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the only reason I participate in ‘attention diversions’ is so that I can avoid being ‘here’ directing myself in and as each and every breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the constant ‘need’ I have to find out the latest on what is going on in the world, or with the economy, or on the desteni site, or on Facebook is only because of my need to participate in an ‘attention diversions’ to keep me from being here with myself in each and every breath because I fear being here with myself in each and every breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the stopping of my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I remain ‘here’ and direct myself as life within each and every breath that I will not ‘live’ that I will not ‘enjoy’ myself and that I will therefore be ‘bored’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘living’ and ‘enjoyment’ within seeking activities that I can derive energy from outside of myself thereby supporting myself as my mind in separation of myself ‘here’ as life; and within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that ‘living’ and ‘enjoying’ myself is something that I do in every ‘here’ moment of breath while remaining ‘here’ in equality and oneness – that when I participate in the thought that I need to do something ‘out there’ to enjoy myself or have fun, that this is a flag-point for me to see that I am abdicating myself to my mind which requires energy to survive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and acknowledge to myself that when I participate in ‘attention diversions’ I am diverting myself from being ‘here’ within the breath so that I can live me as my mind; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act when I see these flag points by simply taking myself back to being ‘here’ by breathing and living here one and equal within and as each and every breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ‘attention diversions’ to stop me from realizing myself as life.

 

When and as I see myself going into the thought that ‘I need to go on the internet , or play piano, or watch TV, or get on Facebook so that I can avoid being bored’ as an attention diversion when I sit down to write or when I am at work or working around the house, I stop and I breathe until I am clear and bring myself back here as the breath, because I see, realize and understand that my need to be stimulated because of my fear of being bored is of my mind and can be stopped within breathing and being here.  Furthermore I see, realize, and understand that creating ‘attention diversions’ so that I can avoid being ‘here’ doing what needs to be done is exactly what is standing in my way of stopping my mind and birthing myself as life in oneness and equality.

 

When and as I see myself going into the emotional experience of being fearful of being bored and then seeking to participate in an ‘attention diversion’ when I sit down to write or am at work, I stop myself in that very moment and bring myself back to myself in and as breath.  I bring my attention back here as the breath in equality and oneness keeping myself’ here’ as the breath so that my attention is not able to be directed separate from me ‘here’ and not able to be diverted outside of myself.

Day 14 - The Desire for the Truth

I pursued the ‘truth’ from my early teen years.  As soon as I started thinking critically, I started questioning my reality.  Over the years I went through a multitude of potential truths such as New Ageism, Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, etc. and always found points that did not add-up in each system.  I also realized that there could not be a truth so long as everyone had a different idea of the truth.  This realization, however, did not act as a point for me to investigate within myself within self-honesty the nature of truth of my truth. 

 

So, I finally got to, what I perceived at the time as the ultimate truth – that god will save all mankind.  This was the best truth that I could come up with and even that didn’t add up.  But I held this belief system because it was the best that I knew of.  I lived this truth as much as I could. 

 

Then finally, one day, I came across some the Desteni message via the portal interviews on YouTube.  I watched the interviews on ‘truth’ and slowly but surely these interviews burst my whole truth bubble because these interviews got my attention to start looking at the point that all these truths could not be ‘true’ if they all exist at the same time and that what I was missing the whole time was the ‘truth’ of what is right here on this planet that simply requires self-honest observation to see the truth of what we have all accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.  This was something that I avoided to look at before because I did not see the here and now of this physical world as relevant because I saw the truth as something outside of myself to be experienced through knowledge.  In fact, one thing that turned me off of the Desteni message for quite some time was the video where Jack stated that we had to write out the truth of ourselves.  I did not want this. 

 

I wanted to know the truth and leave it at that.  I did not want to do the work to find out the truth of myself and how I have accepted and allowed the truth of this physical reality to exist because of what I participate in within my own mind.  Writing was a major point of resistance for me, and still is, because I simply do not want to the work.  That is the truth.  The truth is that I chose to remain enslaved to the mind, and thereby still support this system as it is now, just because I did not want to take the time to face myself with writing, self-honesty, and self-forgiveness and corrective application.

 

So, the pursuit of the truth as systems of knowledge and information is really an act of self-deception because when we pursue the truth within belief systems or systems of thought of any kind, we are avoiding facing the truth of ourselves, which is the truth – the real truth.  The truth is that this world is reflecting back to us what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become because of what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to participate in within our own minds; and within this, when we seek the truth in systems of knowledge and information we not only deceive ourselves, but we also refuse to face ourselves - I refused to face myself.  So, in seeking the truth within and as systems of knowledge and information whether it be in the form of religions, science, philosophy or spirituality, this is actually an act of self-deception and an act of refusing to face the truth of ourselves as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become which is shown to us every day in this physical reality which is reflecting back to us all the truth, the truth of ourselves, the truth of me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to find ‘the truth’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the ‘know the truth’ within systems of knowledge and information.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘the truth is out there’, while the only real truth that exists – exists here as who I am in every moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the ‘truth’ be seeking truth outside of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that truth and deception exists in a polarity equation towards each other and as such, they are one and the same.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the truth of myself as this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the seeking of the truth as a means to ignore the truth of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within ‘searching for the truth’ I will miss the obvious truth as it is reflected within everything of this world – as this world is a manifested physical mirror of the nature as the truth that is me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the ‘truth’ is something beautiful, amazing, and superior to me, where I am not able to understand the truth unless I seek it diligently every day always looking to a ‘greater understanding’ in separation of myself here, as life as the physical – when in fact, truth as who I am is not pretty at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the ‘truth’ is mysterious and only comes from reading the right information.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only certain beings are ‘granted the privilege’ of knowledge and understanding which creates and supports the paradigm of superior/inferior within this physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the truth and the seeking of the truth to set myself apart as superior to others who do not ‘have the truth’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within seeing myself as superior because I have the truth, to not see, realize, and understand that I in-fact see myself as inferior and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the ‘truth’ as a way to define me as superior in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the facing of the truth of myself within writing self-forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect writing the truth of myself to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

Self – Corrective Actions:

 

When and as I see myself going into the desire to seek, know, and understand the truth within systems of knowledge and information, I stop, I breathe.  I see, realize, and understand that the only truth that really exists is the truth of who I am in each and every breath and the truth of this physical reality which is reflecting back to me the truth of who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.  I further realize that the application of writing, self-honesty, self-forgiveness and corrective application are the only way to ever really ‘know the truth’ which is to be lived in every moment of breath as a living expression of who I am in every moment, which is not dependent on systems of knowledge and information.

 

When and as I see myself going into the feeling of superiority because I ‘know the truth’, even the truth of me, I stop, I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to participate in the emotion of superiority/inferiority because I see, realize, and understand that supporting myself as superior within the knowledge of the truth, even the knowledge that the only truth is the truth of me, is an act of separation and supports the existence of this physical reality as it is now. 

 

From this point forward, I commit myself to live the truth as me from the starting point of oneness and equality through applying self-honesty in every moment when I see a thought, feeling, or emotion come up and apply self-forgiveness immediately.  This is my own self-truth. 

Day 13 - My Experience with Love

I, like everyone else, grew up with the word and concept of love.  I remember my mom telling me she loved me all the time while growing up.  I remember being taught that God loved the world and gave his only son just to be with us.  As I became a teenager, I remember reading about and learning of the idea of ‘romantic love’ that came about in the ‘Romantic Era’ of human history.  I remember learning of concepts like ‘the one true love’, ‘soul mate’, and ‘with love all things are possible.’  So, by the time I was an adult, I was completely programmed to accept and pursue love as it has been defined to me from my parents, from society, from religion. 

 

Interestingly, by the time I was a young adult, I realized that what would always come first, in forming a relationship with a woman, was the desire for sex, not love.  I was self-honest with myself, back then, enough to realize this and to understand that it really was not love that I was pursuing; yet, instead of investigating this further, I rationalized love within the fact that I got along with certain women better than others.  So, in other words, I considered love to be that special someone that I really wanted to have sex with that I also happened to get along with well.  I also had a bit of a coldness/cynicism towards women because I also realized that, even though me really just want to have sex, women want/desire a man with money because money equals power, influence, protection and security which means that women are also not really pursuing ‘love’ either.

 

I also realized that within this, I was able to manipulate others with the word love because the idea of love captured other beings and therefore kept people in the dark in regards to one’s true intentions.  For instance, if a woman felt that a man loved her, then she would just ignore any possibility that he just wanted to have sex with her, and was in effect using her.  This made me cynical towards love and also towards women for being so foolish to fall for this.  Yet I suppressed these realizations so that I could pursue the idea of love because I thought that there was just something wrong with me, and therefore in an effort to be ‘normal’ I pushed for love and believed that I loved.

 

Another interesting point is when I was about 22 years old; I realized that God is love.  I realized after considering all of the information that I was fed over the years about what love is and what God is.  Then I pointed out to a religious friend my conclusion that God is Love, and he then pointed out that that exact statement is in the Bible.  I did not know this before he pointed this out and therefore, that made me feel special, or even holy, because I was able to come to the conclusion myself.  So, this inflated my ego within my role as a ‘priest’ or ‘mystic’ and paved the way for me to continue down this road of ‘enlightenment’ further.

 

From that point on I started reading about all religions and spirituality for years on end.  I never could find out which one was right, but I did see the common thread of the concept of love in all of them.  So, then I began to develop the idea/perception that there must be one ‘all loving God’ over all the religions and even spirituality. 

 

Later, after I was married, my wife and I started to go to church.  I gave it my all to fit in and ‘believe’ whatever they told me.  I tried this out despite what I had come to realize already regarding all religion/spirituality being under one god because even this realization left many areas of unanswered questions.  So, as I read the bible more closely from a church perspective, I began to be more and more at odds with the church as a whole and also those that went to church with me, because the fact is, is that I always have a tendency to look at things critically no matter how hard I try and therefore found all kinds of problems with what the church believed relative to what the bible actually says.

 

Then I stumbled across some people who believed that the bible speaks of the universal salvation of all mankind.  This was very intriguing to me and caused me to dig even deeper into the bible.  I mean, I would spend hours a day to verify if this is actually what the bible said and after a year or so, I became 100% certain even to this day, that the bible predicts that universal salvation of all mankind by an all loving, all knowing god. 

 

I came to the conclusion that all of the scriptures that the church claims to speak of ‘hell’ were not that at all.  I came to the conclusion that all of these scriptures actually spoke of the harsher judgment that most of creation would go through, but that this judgment was ultimately corrective in nature and would result in the salvation of all creation.  I also came to the conclusion that this harsher judgment would be accomplished by god working through his ‘sons’ lead by Jesus – his sons were those who gave up their life and the things of this world first, in this ‘age’, and also who had the true knowledge of the salvation of all. 

 

To give perspective, the salvation of all, according to my understanding of the bible/scriptures, was a 3 stage process: 1: Jesus died for the sins of all humanity; 2: Over a 2,000 year period, or so, the ‘first fruits’ will be saved here on earth through their faith, trails, and suffering, and therefore would be transformation to be like Jesus, and 3: the rest of humanity will follow either here on earth or in the heavens via a harsher judgment administered by Jesus and the other first fruits (sons) in the ‘age to come’ in the ‘resurrection’.  And in the end, God will be all-in-all, and all will be saved and perfected.  This was the ULTIMATE ROMANCE LOVE!  God gave his only son, the world looks bleak and hopeless, yet all will be saved! 

 

So, because the church teaches hell adamantly, I got to a point where I could not go there anymore and was basically a ‘churchless believer’ pursuing my own self-perfection so that maybe one day I could be part of that group who saves all creation/humanity.  Within this I made sense of all the confusion I was taught before and found hope in knowing that God now really is an all loving / all saving god worth serving.  This breathed new life into the word/concept of ‘love’, because now this is some real fucking love!  How can it get any better than that?  It solidified the concept of love being kind, patient, and selfless, unlike the love that I experienced for myself that I knew really boiled down to sex for men and money/security/position for women.

 

Then a few years went by, and I ran into the initial portal interviews back in 2007.  There was so much common sense in these videos, but not the normal common sense.  The common sense in the videos is that common sense that we all have to a certain extend that is buried deep down that we never speak of.  But I like digging, and because of this I was very intrigued and watched all of the videos they had on YouTube, at the time.  And of course, there were a couple videos on Love and the portal hit the points that I had buried deep within me regarding the fact that love is an illusion and not real and used to manipulate and control others.

 

This gave me the permission to instantly stop using the word love because I finally had this point verified by another being from the standpoint of common sense; yet, I could not let go, so easily, of my ‘all-loving god’ that was going to save all humanity.   This took 6 or 8 months of watching portal interviews and participation on the forum (at the time back in 2007/2008) to finally get to the point that I no longer believed in god or an all loving god that is going to save all humanity.  But I wanted to, at first, amalgamate the portal message with my concept of the all loving god and his sons saving all humanity by turning the portal and the overall Desteni message into the second coming.  It was difficult to let this go because I just could not believe that this super-love that I found in the bible/scriptures could not be – it was just so romantic!  I also had trouble letting go of this concept for fear of being wrong and deceived especially with a message like the salvation of all because of its grandness and greatness within everything that I had come to know so far.

 

I also see that my concept/belief of ‘romantic love’ may have drove me to ‘love and cherish’ this all loving god/concept because of my subconscious drive to amalgamate the love of god with the ‘romantic love’ concept that I was taught as a child and young adult.

 

Within all of this I see how ideas and concepts, especially taught at a young age, can control and drive people to come to certain conclusions and actions because of the fear of facing the fact that we may have been lied to or mislead our entire lives.  I pursued love and the ultimate idea of love just to fulfill the teachings/influences that I received as a child and young adult, and this controlled and directed me within my beliefs/actions as an adult until I finally realized that it was all bullshit.

 

And I can say, that I have been relieved quite a bit within just the realization that love does not in-fact exist as it has been portrayed in any way, shape, or form within any literature, holy books, documents or through any mediums, sages, prophets in all of human history. 

 

I also realize that love is supported in this world due to our fear to stand alone and therefore we form relationships with others, in separation of ourselves, and call it love just to avoid facing this fear.  For me, that was also another pull of religion, and of true love and marriage.  Yet, in reality love is just created and supported by us to avoid facing ourselves, facing our fear of standing alone.  That is another reason/point as to why I had such a rush with the all loving god concept because this allowed me to not face this fear that I was actually close to facing on my own just due to my own little bit of self-honesty with what love really is, before ever hearing the portal or the Desteni Message.

 

Love is a lie designed to trap, direct, enslave, and manipulate humanity from the very beginning within keeping us glued together as mind consciousness systems forming relationships with each other to therefore support each other as mind consciousness systems because the mutually agreed upon concept of love that actually allows us to operate within our secret desire for sex and money for fear of standing alone; never allowing us to therefore really live here one and equal and complete within and as ourselves as life supporting each other to be life and accept nothing less of ourselves and others.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to utter the word ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe or perceive that I require to be in a ‘relationship’ to be able to exist.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to speak system language by daring to utter the word ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in the illusion that love really, actually exists.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that love exists.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that I require a relationship in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I stand alone, as all as one.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that uttering the word ‘love’, I , in that moment am saying that I’m a system that requires another system, wants another system, desires another system, to form a connection as a relationship to be able to exist in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire love because I haven’t allowed myself to accept myself alone, as just me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my belief in love, my pursuit of love was really me not confronting my fear of being/standing alone.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my use of the word love indicate that I am not able to function alone and that my speaking the word love and pursuing the concept of love is me searching and seeking or wanting a relationship with another because I cannot function or exist without that relationship system.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my use of the word love was primarily to form relationships to therefore use to fulfill my desire to experience sex which is cloaked as a relationship with the usage of the word ‘love’ as its primary power source for my existence as a mind consciousness system to have the ability to exist.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the word ‘love’ derives from the term ‘evolution’ – the word love in reverse is ‘evol’.  The sound signature of the term ‘evolution’, designed within each human being’s mind consciousness system as who they have become is: Evil is the only solution.  And within this the sound of the word ‘love’ heightens all three mind stages as conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind.  Therefore when the word ‘love’ is spoken in one moment by any being within existence, it compounds the consciousness mind applications within me as who and what I have become ingraining and infusing the three mind stages within me through the spoken work love.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when the word ‘love’ is spoken, firstly, the conscious mind is triggered.  Herein the mind consciousness system, as me as all of humanity, connects the word ‘love’ to the application of relationships, which connects to the primary driving force and hidden focus of each human being in this world: the desire to experience sex.  The desire to experience sex is specifically ignited to each human being may fulfill this desire which is cloaked as relationship with the usage of the ‘love’ as its primary power source for consciousness systems to have the ability to exist.  Thus, the compounding of the desire for a sexual experienced is ignited.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the word ‘love’ triggers the word ‘evolution’ within the subconscious mind.  Herein the mind consciousness system connects the word ‘evolution’ to the application of supporting the evolution/upgrading of consciousness systems within this world through my participation in the money system and ignites the inherent application of survival in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to justify and participate in this current money system within survival because of my participation in the word/idea of ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in survival which is the outflow of my fear of death, which is also supported by my participation in the word/idea of ‘love’ as the polarity opposite.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, the death of myself as a mind-consciousness system and therefore need a savior/relationship/sexual experience which brings ‘life’, cloaked in the word ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the word ‘evolution’ then triggers the sound signature of the word ‘evolution’: ‘Evil is the only solution’, within the unconscious mind.  Herein the mind consciousness system that is me that is all humanity connects the sound signature of the of word ‘evolution’: ‘Evil is the only solution’ to the application of each human being within the becoming of who and what they are as mind consciousness systems – the entire humanity’s applications as expression of becoming consciousness systems as who and what we are - remaining within the interconnected web of the unconscious mind, so all remain enslaved and controlled – in this way preparing the way for the children to come to be born into a systematic world as they too become consciousness systems as they are enslaved and controlled - the unconscious mind becoming the preparation for the children to come so all infinitely may remain enslaved and controlled as consciousness systems and never see or realize who they really are as oneness, equality, awareness, existence and not the living word in every moment here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and further the enslavement of myself and all humanity/existence because of my participation in the word/concept of love.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within my participation in the concept/word love despite my self-honest realizations that love in-fact does not exist as it is presented by those who have come before us, since I was a young adult/teenager.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to therefore seek ‘true love’ and the ‘meaning of love/life’ within the idea of ‘love’ that I was given by those who came before me instead of going further into self-honesty and investigating this concept of love when I was seeing that love is not in fact real when I was younger.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, therefore, to use ‘love’ to obtain sex/sexual experiences and therefore support the system and relationships in separation of myself here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a mind-consciousness system in need of relationships to exists because of my belief in ‘love’ in separation of myself as life, here, standing alone complete.

 

I forgive myself that within this I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that love cannot possible exists because it therefore supports me only as a system in need of a relationship/savior.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the desire for a savior/god is also the product of the need for relationships to exist/wherein the savior/god acts as the final support for me as a mind consciousness system when all else fails.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the sexual connection in the belief in a god who dwells within me as my savior giving me life as the sexual experience of 2 coming together giving life here in the physical within relationships is in effect the same thing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek ‘god’, the ultimate expression of ‘love/relationships’ because I did not want to face the point that love does not exist and that I stand alone.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing alone.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect standing alone to fear, and this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself within my pursuit of the idea of love.

 

I forgive myself that within hiding from myself and my fear to stand alone I participated in ‘love’ which then supported this whole world in separation needed/seeking relationships/saviors/gods to support us all as mind consciousness systems.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my partner to obtain sex within the idea of ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into relationships within the idea of ‘love’

 

Self-Corrective Actions:

 

When and as I see myself using the word love to solidify or support relationships, I stop I breath.  I do not accept and allow myself to use the word love within the context of relationships/supporting relationships because I see, realize, and understand that when doing so I am limiting and separating myself as the existence of me as a mind consciousness system, thereby supporting this entire mind consciousness system based reality of separation.  Instead I remain here, stable, complete, within each and every breath without the need of relationships and the experience of sex, supported by the word ‘love’, in order to exist – and do not use the word love in this way.

 

When and as I express to another ‘I love you’ – I express this within the realization that the words that I am speaking are not to another, but actually to myself because I have now redefined ‘love’ as the statement that I will not accept anything else than who I am as life one and equal with all as me, and thus I will not accept anything less from another, as one with who I am.  I live the word ‘love’ as one with who I am when I intervene when I see myself or anyone else in my world applying something that is less than who I/we are as life one and equal.