Day 13 - My Experience with Love

I, like everyone else, grew up with the word and concept of love.  I remember my mom telling me she loved me all the time while growing up.  I remember being taught that God loved the world and gave his only son just to be with us.  As I became a teenager, I remember reading about and learning of the idea of ‘romantic love’ that came about in the ‘Romantic Era’ of human history.  I remember learning of concepts like ‘the one true love’, ‘soul mate’, and ‘with love all things are possible.’  So, by the time I was an adult, I was completely programmed to accept and pursue love as it has been defined to me from my parents, from society, from religion. 

 

Interestingly, by the time I was a young adult, I realized that what would always come first, in forming a relationship with a woman, was the desire for sex, not love.  I was self-honest with myself, back then, enough to realize this and to understand that it really was not love that I was pursuing; yet, instead of investigating this further, I rationalized love within the fact that I got along with certain women better than others.  So, in other words, I considered love to be that special someone that I really wanted to have sex with that I also happened to get along with well.  I also had a bit of a coldness/cynicism towards women because I also realized that, even though me really just want to have sex, women want/desire a man with money because money equals power, influence, protection and security which means that women are also not really pursuing ‘love’ either.

 

I also realized that within this, I was able to manipulate others with the word love because the idea of love captured other beings and therefore kept people in the dark in regards to one’s true intentions.  For instance, if a woman felt that a man loved her, then she would just ignore any possibility that he just wanted to have sex with her, and was in effect using her.  This made me cynical towards love and also towards women for being so foolish to fall for this.  Yet I suppressed these realizations so that I could pursue the idea of love because I thought that there was just something wrong with me, and therefore in an effort to be ‘normal’ I pushed for love and believed that I loved.

 

Another interesting point is when I was about 22 years old; I realized that God is love.  I realized after considering all of the information that I was fed over the years about what love is and what God is.  Then I pointed out to a religious friend my conclusion that God is Love, and he then pointed out that that exact statement is in the Bible.  I did not know this before he pointed this out and therefore, that made me feel special, or even holy, because I was able to come to the conclusion myself.  So, this inflated my ego within my role as a ‘priest’ or ‘mystic’ and paved the way for me to continue down this road of ‘enlightenment’ further.

 

From that point on I started reading about all religions and spirituality for years on end.  I never could find out which one was right, but I did see the common thread of the concept of love in all of them.  So, then I began to develop the idea/perception that there must be one ‘all loving God’ over all the religions and even spirituality. 

 

Later, after I was married, my wife and I started to go to church.  I gave it my all to fit in and ‘believe’ whatever they told me.  I tried this out despite what I had come to realize already regarding all religion/spirituality being under one god because even this realization left many areas of unanswered questions.  So, as I read the bible more closely from a church perspective, I began to be more and more at odds with the church as a whole and also those that went to church with me, because the fact is, is that I always have a tendency to look at things critically no matter how hard I try and therefore found all kinds of problems with what the church believed relative to what the bible actually says.

 

Then I stumbled across some people who believed that the bible speaks of the universal salvation of all mankind.  This was very intriguing to me and caused me to dig even deeper into the bible.  I mean, I would spend hours a day to verify if this is actually what the bible said and after a year or so, I became 100% certain even to this day, that the bible predicts that universal salvation of all mankind by an all loving, all knowing god. 

 

I came to the conclusion that all of the scriptures that the church claims to speak of ‘hell’ were not that at all.  I came to the conclusion that all of these scriptures actually spoke of the harsher judgment that most of creation would go through, but that this judgment was ultimately corrective in nature and would result in the salvation of all creation.  I also came to the conclusion that this harsher judgment would be accomplished by god working through his ‘sons’ lead by Jesus – his sons were those who gave up their life and the things of this world first, in this ‘age’, and also who had the true knowledge of the salvation of all. 

 

To give perspective, the salvation of all, according to my understanding of the bible/scriptures, was a 3 stage process: 1: Jesus died for the sins of all humanity; 2: Over a 2,000 year period, or so, the ‘first fruits’ will be saved here on earth through their faith, trails, and suffering, and therefore would be transformation to be like Jesus, and 3: the rest of humanity will follow either here on earth or in the heavens via a harsher judgment administered by Jesus and the other first fruits (sons) in the ‘age to come’ in the ‘resurrection’.  And in the end, God will be all-in-all, and all will be saved and perfected.  This was the ULTIMATE ROMANCE LOVE!  God gave his only son, the world looks bleak and hopeless, yet all will be saved! 

 

So, because the church teaches hell adamantly, I got to a point where I could not go there anymore and was basically a ‘churchless believer’ pursuing my own self-perfection so that maybe one day I could be part of that group who saves all creation/humanity.  Within this I made sense of all the confusion I was taught before and found hope in knowing that God now really is an all loving / all saving god worth serving.  This breathed new life into the word/concept of ‘love’, because now this is some real fucking love!  How can it get any better than that?  It solidified the concept of love being kind, patient, and selfless, unlike the love that I experienced for myself that I knew really boiled down to sex for men and money/security/position for women.

 

Then a few years went by, and I ran into the initial portal interviews back in 2007.  There was so much common sense in these videos, but not the normal common sense.  The common sense in the videos is that common sense that we all have to a certain extend that is buried deep down that we never speak of.  But I like digging, and because of this I was very intrigued and watched all of the videos they had on YouTube, at the time.  And of course, there were a couple videos on Love and the portal hit the points that I had buried deep within me regarding the fact that love is an illusion and not real and used to manipulate and control others.

 

This gave me the permission to instantly stop using the word love because I finally had this point verified by another being from the standpoint of common sense; yet, I could not let go, so easily, of my ‘all-loving god’ that was going to save all humanity.   This took 6 or 8 months of watching portal interviews and participation on the forum (at the time back in 2007/2008) to finally get to the point that I no longer believed in god or an all loving god that is going to save all humanity.  But I wanted to, at first, amalgamate the portal message with my concept of the all loving god and his sons saving all humanity by turning the portal and the overall Desteni message into the second coming.  It was difficult to let this go because I just could not believe that this super-love that I found in the bible/scriptures could not be – it was just so romantic!  I also had trouble letting go of this concept for fear of being wrong and deceived especially with a message like the salvation of all because of its grandness and greatness within everything that I had come to know so far.

 

I also see that my concept/belief of ‘romantic love’ may have drove me to ‘love and cherish’ this all loving god/concept because of my subconscious drive to amalgamate the love of god with the ‘romantic love’ concept that I was taught as a child and young adult.

 

Within all of this I see how ideas and concepts, especially taught at a young age, can control and drive people to come to certain conclusions and actions because of the fear of facing the fact that we may have been lied to or mislead our entire lives.  I pursued love and the ultimate idea of love just to fulfill the teachings/influences that I received as a child and young adult, and this controlled and directed me within my beliefs/actions as an adult until I finally realized that it was all bullshit.

 

And I can say, that I have been relieved quite a bit within just the realization that love does not in-fact exist as it has been portrayed in any way, shape, or form within any literature, holy books, documents or through any mediums, sages, prophets in all of human history. 

 

I also realize that love is supported in this world due to our fear to stand alone and therefore we form relationships with others, in separation of ourselves, and call it love just to avoid facing this fear.  For me, that was also another pull of religion, and of true love and marriage.  Yet, in reality love is just created and supported by us to avoid facing ourselves, facing our fear of standing alone.  That is another reason/point as to why I had such a rush with the all loving god concept because this allowed me to not face this fear that I was actually close to facing on my own just due to my own little bit of self-honesty with what love really is, before ever hearing the portal or the Desteni Message.

 

Love is a lie designed to trap, direct, enslave, and manipulate humanity from the very beginning within keeping us glued together as mind consciousness systems forming relationships with each other to therefore support each other as mind consciousness systems because the mutually agreed upon concept of love that actually allows us to operate within our secret desire for sex and money for fear of standing alone; never allowing us to therefore really live here one and equal and complete within and as ourselves as life supporting each other to be life and accept nothing less of ourselves and others.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to utter the word ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe or perceive that I require to be in a ‘relationship’ to be able to exist.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to speak system language by daring to utter the word ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in the illusion that love really, actually exists.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that love exists.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that I require a relationship in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I stand alone, as all as one.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that uttering the word ‘love’, I , in that moment am saying that I’m a system that requires another system, wants another system, desires another system, to form a connection as a relationship to be able to exist in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire love because I haven’t allowed myself to accept myself alone, as just me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my belief in love, my pursuit of love was really me not confronting my fear of being/standing alone.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my use of the word love indicate that I am not able to function alone and that my speaking the word love and pursuing the concept of love is me searching and seeking or wanting a relationship with another because I cannot function or exist without that relationship system.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my use of the word love was primarily to form relationships to therefore use to fulfill my desire to experience sex which is cloaked as a relationship with the usage of the word ‘love’ as its primary power source for my existence as a mind consciousness system to have the ability to exist.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the word ‘love’ derives from the term ‘evolution’ – the word love in reverse is ‘evol’.  The sound signature of the term ‘evolution’, designed within each human being’s mind consciousness system as who they have become is: Evil is the only solution.  And within this the sound of the word ‘love’ heightens all three mind stages as conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind.  Therefore when the word ‘love’ is spoken in one moment by any being within existence, it compounds the consciousness mind applications within me as who and what I have become ingraining and infusing the three mind stages within me through the spoken work love.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when the word ‘love’ is spoken, firstly, the conscious mind is triggered.  Herein the mind consciousness system, as me as all of humanity, connects the word ‘love’ to the application of relationships, which connects to the primary driving force and hidden focus of each human being in this world: the desire to experience sex.  The desire to experience sex is specifically ignited to each human being may fulfill this desire which is cloaked as relationship with the usage of the ‘love’ as its primary power source for consciousness systems to have the ability to exist.  Thus, the compounding of the desire for a sexual experienced is ignited.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the word ‘love’ triggers the word ‘evolution’ within the subconscious mind.  Herein the mind consciousness system connects the word ‘evolution’ to the application of supporting the evolution/upgrading of consciousness systems within this world through my participation in the money system and ignites the inherent application of survival in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to justify and participate in this current money system within survival because of my participation in the word/idea of ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in survival which is the outflow of my fear of death, which is also supported by my participation in the word/idea of ‘love’ as the polarity opposite.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, the death of myself as a mind-consciousness system and therefore need a savior/relationship/sexual experience which brings ‘life’, cloaked in the word ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the word ‘evolution’ then triggers the sound signature of the word ‘evolution’: ‘Evil is the only solution’, within the unconscious mind.  Herein the mind consciousness system that is me that is all humanity connects the sound signature of the of word ‘evolution’: ‘Evil is the only solution’ to the application of each human being within the becoming of who and what they are as mind consciousness systems – the entire humanity’s applications as expression of becoming consciousness systems as who and what we are - remaining within the interconnected web of the unconscious mind, so all remain enslaved and controlled – in this way preparing the way for the children to come to be born into a systematic world as they too become consciousness systems as they are enslaved and controlled - the unconscious mind becoming the preparation for the children to come so all infinitely may remain enslaved and controlled as consciousness systems and never see or realize who they really are as oneness, equality, awareness, existence and not the living word in every moment here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and further the enslavement of myself and all humanity/existence because of my participation in the word/concept of love.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within my participation in the concept/word love despite my self-honest realizations that love in-fact does not exist as it is presented by those who have come before us, since I was a young adult/teenager.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to therefore seek ‘true love’ and the ‘meaning of love/life’ within the idea of ‘love’ that I was given by those who came before me instead of going further into self-honesty and investigating this concept of love when I was seeing that love is not in fact real when I was younger.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, therefore, to use ‘love’ to obtain sex/sexual experiences and therefore support the system and relationships in separation of myself here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a mind-consciousness system in need of relationships to exists because of my belief in ‘love’ in separation of myself as life, here, standing alone complete.

 

I forgive myself that within this I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that love cannot possible exists because it therefore supports me only as a system in need of a relationship/savior.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the desire for a savior/god is also the product of the need for relationships to exist/wherein the savior/god acts as the final support for me as a mind consciousness system when all else fails.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the sexual connection in the belief in a god who dwells within me as my savior giving me life as the sexual experience of 2 coming together giving life here in the physical within relationships is in effect the same thing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek ‘god’, the ultimate expression of ‘love/relationships’ because I did not want to face the point that love does not exist and that I stand alone.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing alone.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect standing alone to fear, and this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself within my pursuit of the idea of love.

 

I forgive myself that within hiding from myself and my fear to stand alone I participated in ‘love’ which then supported this whole world in separation needed/seeking relationships/saviors/gods to support us all as mind consciousness systems.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my partner to obtain sex within the idea of ‘love’.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into relationships within the idea of ‘love’

 

Self-Corrective Actions:

 

When and as I see myself using the word love to solidify or support relationships, I stop I breath.  I do not accept and allow myself to use the word love within the context of relationships/supporting relationships because I see, realize, and understand that when doing so I am limiting and separating myself as the existence of me as a mind consciousness system, thereby supporting this entire mind consciousness system based reality of separation.  Instead I remain here, stable, complete, within each and every breath without the need of relationships and the experience of sex, supported by the word ‘love’, in order to exist – and do not use the word love in this way.

 

When and as I express to another ‘I love you’ – I express this within the realization that the words that I am speaking are not to another, but actually to myself because I have now redefined ‘love’ as the statement that I will not accept anything else than who I am as life one and equal with all as me, and thus I will not accept anything less from another, as one with who I am.  I live the word ‘love’ as one with who I am when I intervene when I see myself or anyone else in my world applying something that is less than who I/we are as life one and equal.