Day 6 - Never Enough Time to Write I

One of my biggest obstacles to writing daily, or almost daily, is time. I perceive myself to have limited time for a few reasons:

1. I work full-time,
2. I have kids and a partner,
3. I have chores,
4. I have “me-time”,
5. I have ‘broken-up’ time.

So, yes, I work full-time. I even work 2 jobs, even though I am not making any money at one of them. Yes, one of my jobs pays $0. This job is a side-project that could pay very well when I get it going, but for now I am earning nothing. Then there is my primary job, which is commission only. So, because it is commission only, I am always feeling as if my work is not done because, in theory, this is actually the case. I can always be doing more. My primary job takes up about 55 hours per week of my time but about 20 hours of that time I spend driving, so I am really only actually working about 35 hours per week. My income is steady but just barely sufficient to cover basic needs. The income always being ‘just enough’ further compounds that ‘feeling’ that there is always something more to do.

Kids, partner and chores can all go together. I am away from home working for 55 hours per week and when I get home I ‘feel’ that it is best that I spend time with my kids, partner, and also take care of chores around the house. This all goes into one point because if I do not spend time here, then problems can arise. I probably don’t need to spell this out, so I won’t. One result of my having these relationships is my experience in the same basic ‘feeling’ that I have at work in which I ‘feel’ as if there is always something that needs to be done or someone, that I need to spend my time with, regardless of what may have already been taken care of or accomplished.

Spending time with ‘me’, ‘me-time’: This is probably the biggest point of bullshit that I accept and allow. As I conduct myself now, having ‘me’ time really just boils down to me stimulating myself. I spend a lot of time reading about world affairs. I spend time on Facebook. I spend time playing the piano. There is nothing wrong with these things inherently; however, about 90% of this activity is me just fucking around. I mean for instance, I know how the world works. I have been studying it for years. So, within that, I could spend 10 minutes per day just keeping up with things, if I so desire. Same goes with my time on Facebook. 10-20 minutes per day on Facebook could easily cover my needs.

I have an underlying boredom that I need to deal with. I need to write about it, forgive it, and breathe through it. Instead, I have been accepting and allowing myself to continue on trying to find some energetic high that I usually get with reading about world affairs which is nothing more than reading about who did what to whom, in essence. This is no better than reading the ‘national enquirer’- lol. This is bullshit. Yes, spending time reading about Zionism or the banking system or whatever the fuck – no matter how ‘factual’ it may be, is a total energetic mind-fuck experience unless I am doing this within the context of forming a basis to write a blog exposing the system.

In addition to wasting time on the internet, I am spending it looking for something good and tantalizing to eat, or playing piano. There are other activities too that I spend my ‘me time’ on, but these are the main points. Again, there is actually nothing ‘wrong’ with these activities within themselves, but they are all, even playing piano, within my experience of me looking to distract myself from that fact that I am bored.

With all this said, my entire system of ‘wasting time’ is greatly facilitated by, at least it seems at the moment, my perceived ‘broken-up time’. In other words, the number one reason I accept and allow myself to fall on these points, as mentioned above, is because I perceive my time to be always subject to interruption. I do not feel as if I have enough ‘continuous’ time to write out a blog. I have kids, chores, a partner, never ending work with 2 jobs, and ‘me-time’ to balance in the scales of spending ‘real’ time with myself writing about my bullshit; and this all provides the fodder for me to ‘shoot-down’ any potential blog writing because there is always something that needs tending to that is inevitably going to get in the way and cut-me short. It is easier for me to waste time on bullshit like researching conspiracy theories on the internet, or play a little piano, or cooking a cool dish, or time with my partner and kids, or whatever, because in the end, if I get interrupted, no big deal – the nature of what I was doing can be dropped in a moment unlike writing a blog exploring myself in self-honesty.

I am going to either expand on my self-exploratory writing here or start my self-forgiveness on my next blog. I am going to map out my time, take self-responsibility to create the time that I require to consistently write blogs because I have come to a point where I realize that I cannot accept and allow excuses and justifications for me to not stand up and breathe.