Day 306 – The Bully, Part III – the inner bully

Ok so, I thought I completed the point on bullying in Part II, but then after doing an interview on bullying, recently, I realized that I was not clear on the point of the ‘inner’ bully.  I could not see this clearly at the time.  I could see it in concept and to a certain extent, physically, but not completely. 

I also saw, after the interview, another sound signature in the word ‘bully’ that I would like to point out:

• Bully = Bull Lie.  Now I saw that point the bull = bullshit, but what I did not see was that bull also = a bull, like the animal; and a bull is a big animal full of force due to its massiveness.  Like a bull can run you over and force its way, physically, if you try to stop it.

Now this point of the ‘bull’, is cool to point out because a bully is like a bull, as well, in that a bully forces his / her way upon others using his / her sheer physical and / or psychological weight through intimidation and badgering.  So, a bully is like a bull, and to bully is to be like a bull.  And of course, its all lies because we are all equal and fact and no one can really force one’s will on another nor does anyone have the inherent authority to do so.

So, some self-forgiveness on these two points:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself within and as my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself, about myself, within my own mind / my own back-chat things like ‘I will never make it’, ‘I am not good enough.’ ‘I am a failure.’ ‘I am less capable than others who (appear) are more successful then me.’ ‘I will lose everything.’ ‘I am not going to make it.’ – within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe these internal statements of bullying myself and then react in fear, and thus connect a fear reaction, within and as myself to these statements. 

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of the inner bully within me that tells me how fucked up I am whenever it is that I do something wrong or do not perform up to some standard that I have imposed upon myself through comparison, judgment, and faulty opinions and beliefs that I have not sorted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself around and force myself to accept the opinions and beliefs / the lies that I tell myself, as the inner bull - y, wherein through these lies, I push myself down where I exist in fear and terror of the ideas, perceptions, and beliefs that I terrorize myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become mind possessed with the inner bully character – wherein I bully myself and cannot even stop bullying myself for an extended period of time, until the energy of the bully character runs its course, wherein the whole time that I am bullying myself I am also consumed with fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to the measure that I am able to forgive myself – that is how much I can forgive others – and within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to the measure that I am able to embrace myself for who I am today, without any bullying, that this is how much I can embrace others without bullying – thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my inner bully character will express itself towards others in various ways as one can only treat others like one treats self.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the bully out there, is also a bully within himself. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that bullying serves no purpose whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief system within and as myself that inferiority and superiority exist.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others in physical looks, physical abilities, mental abilities, and personalities – and through comparison, judge myself as inferior or superior to others.   Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I deserve to be bullied by my own mind when and as I see myself as inferior through the act of comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to all the point of ‘failure’ to trigger the act of bullying within and as myself – where I start telling myself lies and forcing myself to believe in lies, within my own mind, about how fucked up I am and how fucked I am until I feel beat down, and even out of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear-monger myself through my own backchat, as the inner bully character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my will upon myself within the point of forcing myself to believe that lies of how fucked up I am, within and as my mind / back-chat, as the inner bully character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually react in fear to the idea of standing up and stopping the inner-bully character as if the inner bully character is something that I deserve and must endure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intimidate myself through the bully character – thus fulfilling the sound signature of the ‘bull’ in bully – wherein like the animal, the bull, is extremely intimidating due to its sheer size and mass.

When and as I see myself going into the inner bully character, where I fear-monger myself and force my own lies upon myself about how fucked up I am through incessant back-chat, which is often times triggered by some form of failure, disappointment, or comparison to another, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to go into and be mind-possessed by this character because I see, realize, and understand that it does serves no beneficial purpose whatsoever, and also that it is total bullshit.  I see, realize, and understand that we are all in-fact equals, as physicality, and thus there is never a reason to compare, judge, self or others as inferior / superior, and thus there is never a real reason to bully self or others.  I see, realize, and understand that bullying is an act of separation where within the act of bullying one creates the illusion that self is separate.  I see, realize, and understand that certain points can trigger the bully character, such as a failure, a loss of business, intimidation due to someone who appears more successful or physically or emotionally perfect than self.  Thus, I commit myself to pay attention to these triggers that happen at random times in my life by always being here, slowing down, and breathing.  I commit myself to stop the inner bully character instantly when and as I see it by taking a deep breath, then stabilizing myself through breathing evenly in and out while at the same time deleting all the back-chat of the inner bully; and from here I commit myself to say self-forgiveness in the moment to release the inner bully character until I am completely clear.  I commit myself to remind myself that we are all in-fact equals and that superiority and inferiority do not exist.  I commit myself to remind myself that bullying myself will achieve nothing but to wear myself out physically as I expend all my energy on this self-abuse.  I commit myself to remind myself that how I treat and judge myself within, will reflect in how I treat and judge others without – thus, I commit myself to remind myself to be aware of the inner bully character as this reveals to me that I likely am also bullying others equally as I bully myself.  I commit myself to end the bully character within and without myself through watching the triggers, the comparisons, the judgments, and the beliefs that all contribute to the bully character and thus releasing them all through self-forgiveness and then grounding myself here through breathing.

 

Day 305 - The Bully, Part II

A quick rant on the word bully:

Bullies are assholes, pricks, and fuckers.  I am not a bully.  Bullies keep me from really being able to express myself.  I hate bullies.  Bullies suck.  I fear bullies.  Bullies always get there way.  I am intimidated by bullies.  I hate being exposed by bullies.



Some self forgiveness on bullying:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed  myself to act as a bully within the point of inducing fear in another being in order create the illusion, within my own mind, that I am the stronger / the superior being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the character of  the bully, wherein I am blustering, quarrelsome, intimidating, and overbearing towards those I perceive as weaker than me in order to get my way or create the illusion that I am superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the character of the bully, wherein I am blustering, quarrelsome, intimidating and overbearing towards those I perceive as STRONGER / superior to me so that I can create the illusion that I am actually superior to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within then the construct of 'the bully', where I scare / induce fear in others with lies / falsehoods, in order to appear to myself as strong / stronger / superior, and in order to get my way / win.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the sound signature of the word 'bully' where it sounds like 'belie' wherein one who bully's is a walking contradiction to himself / herself within the point that the one who is really in fear of being 'inferior' is the bully himself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the starting point of the bully character is fear / fear of being inferior / fear of being less-than / fear of losing, wherein because this fear, one's solution is to bully others so as to feel superior.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the bully character is also a bull-shitter character because no one is  in-fact superior or inferior to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the bully character wherein I bullshit others with lies / mis-representations as within the sounding of the word: bully - bull - lie.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within the sounding of the word 'bully' one can see that the bully is mind-fucking him / herself within the point that he / she / I believes that one can make self feel and exist as superior / the El / the elevated one through inducing 'booh' / fear in others - within the sounding of the word: Bully  - Booh - El - I / Booh - I am elevated!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge bullies as pricks and assholes when I see, realize, and understand that these judgments are not in-fact a physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and intimidation towards bullies and being bullied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and then judge myself or others as superior / inferior.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully others in order to feel superior.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that superiority and inferiority do not in-fact exist within and as physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act within the bully character in order to get my way / win / compete.

 

Corrective Application:

When and as I see myself bullshitting and quarrelling with others in order to induce fear in them that they are inferior and I am superior and to get my way, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow this because I see, realize, and understand that I am only lying to myself within the point  that we are all in-fact equals and that inferiority / superiority does not exist.  I also see, realize, and understand that bullying / inducing fear in others to get my way is not an equal and one and best for all approach to living.  I commit myself to no longer act within the bully character through always checking my starting point in all communications with others by asking myself the questions: "What is my starting point?  Am I trying to induce fear in the other to have my way or convince myself or others that I am in-fact superior?  Do I feel inferior?  Am I comparing myself to this person in anyway?  From here, I commit myself to slow down, breathe until I am clear, and then communicate my wants, needs, and desires to others in a mutually equitable way.

When and as I see myself judging those who are bullies / acting within the bully character as 'assholes', 'fuckers', and 'pricks.'.  I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow this because I see, realize, and understand that my starting point of this is separation and fear.  Thus, I commit myself to immediately delete these backchats / judgments when and as they come up and breathing until I am clear of all emotional energies towards bullies and being bullied.  From here, I commit myself to stand up for myself as assertive and say to the bully 'no, I don't accept and allow myself to be bullied.' and walk away.

 

 

Bully, redefined:

 

It is good to have this word in our vocabulary so as to be able to identify self and others when and as we are acting within the bully character.  But I would like to expand the definition:

 

The Bully, expanded definition:

 

1. The act of inducing fear, through quailing, intimidating, and being overbearing towards others to create the illusion, in self, that self is superior.
2. One who operates from a starting point of fear / fear of being inferior
3. One whose solution to having a starting point of fear of being inferior, is to elevate self, in one's own eyes, through inducing fear of inferiority in others, through quarrelling, intimidating, and being overbearing.
4. One who intimidates others in order to induce fear in others in order to win and get one's way.
5. One who intimidates others in order to have them submit to one's will, from a starting point of wanting to be seen as superior.

 

Day 304 – The Bully, Part I

Bullying seems to be a prevalent phenomena with kids these days.  I seem to hear about it all the time.  My own son is a victim of bullying.  But where does this phenomena of bullying come from?  What’s behind it?  Why do we not just accept each other the way we are and thus treat everyone with the same dignity?

 

So, to get to the bottom of this, I am going to do a quick rant on the word bully, then look into the dictionary definition, an the sounding of the word bully.

 

From dictionary.com, the definition of the word bully is as follows:

 

noun, plural bullies.

1. a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.

2. Archaic. a man hired to do violence.

3. Obsolete. a pimp; procurer.

4. Obsolete. good friend; good fellow.

5. Obsolete. sweetheart; darling.

verb (used with object), bullied, bullying.

6. to act the bully toward; intimidate; domineer.

verb (used without object), bullied, bullying.

7. to be loudly arrogant and overbearing.

 

This is interesting information here!  It seems, that at one time, being a ‘bully’ was to be a good friend, a good fellow, a sweetheart, and a darling!  Then the word evolved being a pimp and the eventually a menace to the weak or those perceived as weak. 

 

Let’s check out the sounding of the word:

 

Bully:

• Booh lie – to scare someone with lies
• Booh el I – to intimidate and scare someone to show self as superior (el = godlike)
• Bull lie – to bullshit someone
• Belie – to show to be false, contradict – as in one’s words contradict one’s physical actions, ect.

 

Wow, so the sounding of the word ‘bully’ is actually quite revealing and very interesting. 

 

So, from the sounding of the word, we can see that the act of bullying also includes the points of scaring others with lies and bullshit, to create the image in the mind of the bully that the bully is superior, while at the same time the bully is contradicting himself in some way.  And how is the bully a walking contradiction?  Will pick up from here on the next post.

 

Day 303 – How my wife / partner and I walked through my pornography addiction, from my point of view. Part I

I started watching porn consistently at the age of 22 in the year 1995.  Before then, my first time that I recall seeing porn was at about the age of 9 or 10 at my father’s coworker’s house in a TV room that we kids were consigned to while the elders mingled elsewhere.  After that, the next time I saw porn was my friend’s father’s secret stash at about the age of 11 or 12.  From there, I developed a bit of a taste for porn and liked it, but because it was hard to get, I rarely looked at it and never master-bated to it.  I actually didn’t master-bate at all until I was about 20 or so. 

So, one day it occurred to me that there were Adult Video shops where I could simply walk in and buy or rent a video (back in the day).  At that moment of 'realization', a light went on in my mind, where it occurred to me that through watching porn that I can see what it’s like to simply have the power to have sex when I want with whom I want and in the way I want with like no consequences and no effort!  Now, I was having difficulty with relationships with women at the time.  I couldn’t open myself up.  So, like, after a while of not being able to form relationships with women, suddenly this idea about porn that I created sounded just like a great solution.  Now of course, I also had my reservations.  I also knew that this couldn’t be good.  But I did it anyway. 

From there, I was like instantly addicted to porn.  I was constantly going back searching for the hottest girl to watch.  I became very satisfied sexually, without any actual sex.  Now, you may think that I sound pretty ‘bad’; but, actually, most of my guy friends at the time were also watching porn already before me.  Porn was like ‘normal’ to us guys.  It is what ‘healthy’ males do. 

So anyway, years went by and my addiction to porn just grew stronger with time.  I would get mind possessed to just go master-bate at times where it felt like I just had to do it no matter what.  Then of course, this addiction to porn became my ‘dirty little secret life’ that no one really knew about other than me because of being ashamed and also because of the cultural ‘taboos’.  So, like, I was living as split personality – my porn personality where I couldn’t wait to see the next hottest female get fucked in the most perfect way, and then also my ‘normal’ personality where no one would ever suspect, but of course my guy friends. 

And somehow, with this inter-personally debilitating condition AKA a pornography addiction, I managed to meet my partner of whom I am with today, years later.  Now, she was no angel too.  At first, we both shared our porn addiction together.  Then, out of a tremendous amount of guilt that I had had over the years of using porn all suppressed within me, I just felt like I had to quit, and that my partner should too.  She agreed and stopped using porn ever since then. 

I, however, fell back into the addiction, not on purpose, but because I couldn’t help myself.  So, in this, I fucked myself because I actually had an open relationship within regards to porn.  I could have worked out more of a support scenario between us where we just helped each other eventually stop.  But, because I had this need to end porn all at once, per decree, and my partner held her end of the bargain, I trapped myself into a point of having to hide my addiction from her.  This was made even more so, because she was so happy with her decision (and our decision) to quit.  She would say ‘how wonderful it was that we decided to quit porn together’, and I would just feel awful, and scared to tell her the reality of the situation.

Now, I would sneak porn every now and then, until a couple of years later, after having our first child.   A few months after my partner got pregnant, our sex life took a dive due partly to my lack of being prepared to know how to handle myself in such a situation.   So, I started watching even more porn to relieve my stress and to fulfill my sexual desires of which were on hold with her.  Finally one day, she caught me, and from that point she formed a hatred and a resentment to me. 

She was seriously hurt.  You see, she felt as if I had conned her, in a way, as if I tricked her into quitting porn while I still watched it.  Plus, looked at it as if I was lying to her about the addiction for years on end, especially within the point that I was doing it while she was under the impression that I had quit.  Plus, she felt as if I was cheating on her.  Plus, if that weren’t enough, she was very much not happy with me on other fronts as well.  She almost immediately wanted a divorce. 

At that time, I had a 6 month-old son.  I couldn’t accept and allow a divorce while my son is only 6 months.  I ‘loved’ my wife, but keeping us together for the sake of my son, was of greater importance.  Thus, I did everything in my power to ‘save’ the ‘marriage’.  I will pick up from here, in part II.

Day 302 – The ‘I must veg-out’ character

Everyday, I inevitably get to that point of ‘I must 'veg. out’ even if it is just for a little while at the end of the day usually.  But why is this?  Why do I go into this character?  Does it really support me? 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the ‘I must veg-out’ character, especially at the end of the day where I accept and allow back-chat like ‘I must have some time to 'veg-out’ and ‘I am not living if I don’t veg out.’ And ‘I am missing out if I don’t get to have my veg-out time.’ And ‘I will not be satisfied with my living experience if I don’t get my veg out time.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself a belief system that ‘vegging out at the end of the day is a requirement to live a happy and full life’.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn this belief system into a form of a religion wherein I feel that it is my duty to worship the vegging out god of doing nothing but mere entertainment in order to appease this god so that I am not found guilty of always ‘working’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge doing practical things such as ‘going that extra mile within regards to my work commitments, my DIP assignments, housework, yard work, focusing on kids or the needs of others – as boring and unfulfilling as if the only thing that is truly fun and fulfilling is ‘vegging out and doing absolutely nothing or only what I have formed desire relationships towards.’

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into mind possessions wherein I become consumed and possessed to just veg-out and do nothing at all instead of focusing on moving myself to what is best for all at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge doing what is best for all at all times as boring / unfulfilling / negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a character around vegging out, where I will defend my right to veg out with all kinds of justifications and excuses such as ‘everyone has to ‘veg out sometimes’, and ‘if I don’t veg out, then I will be missing out on fully experiencing life.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief within and as myself that vegging out is a solution to stress when I see, realize, and understand that stress is something that I create within and as myself within my own mind and the thoughts, reaction, and internal conversations that I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that vegging out is a solution to boredom when I see, realize, and understand that boredom does not even really exist and thus is merely a mind possession that I created.

When and as I see myself going into the verging out character, where I start participating in backchats as excuses and justifications as to why I should ‘veg-out instead of apply myself to do what is best for all / most productive with my time, I stop and I breathe.  I realize that vegging out is no solution and that the best solution is to breathe, clear myself of all energies positive and negative and neutral, and then apply myself to do what is best for all at all times so that I can be the most effective human possible – as this is my duty as the physical and as life – to be most effective so that I can work to bring solutions to the world and myself that will be life as enjoyable as possible for all as one as equal as self.

Day 301 – Male Ego Points

This start of the year, I have experience about a 40% reduction in earnings from what I am used to, and this has triggered an emotional breakdown recently directly tied to my male ego.  So, thank you world-system for being so un-supportive so that we can face our ego’s instead of hiding from our egos when all ‘is well’!  Anyway…

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as inferior / less than / and emasculated when and as I experience low-income earnings in my current profession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other financially successful people, specifically males, and then judge myself as inferior / less than / less capable than those who earn more than me in this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be seen and judged as inferior / less than / less capable / un-fit to survive / un-deserving by my partner and others in this system when and as it is apparent that I am not able to make enough money to survive, let alone thrive in this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inferior just because I have not been able up to this point in time in my life to be financially successful in this economic system of competition and ‘may the best man win / winner takes all.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the equivalent of my pre-programmed design within this system, which is obviously not one of making tons of money.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my pre-programmed personality design does not represent who I am in-fact, but only what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, of which can be changed and also is nothing personal about who I really am in-fact as life, as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am nothing more than my pre-programmed personality design of limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-value and self-worth within and as the amount of money that I can make in this economic system.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire, within and as myself, to make as much money as possible so that I can prove to others, and really myself, that I am valuable, capable, and superior in my personality design / in my who I am – all because of my starting point of placing my value and self-worth within and as how much money that I can make, which is connected to me being a winner.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must ‘win’ to prove my self-worth / self-value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in back-chat that ‘I am not good enough for my partner’, ‘I am unfit to survive’, ‘I am a burden’, ‘I am inferior to others who make more money’ when and as I experience low-income times in my current job.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a fear reaction to be being seen by others as ‘unfit to survive’, ‘a burden’,’ not good enough’, as if fear can help me in any way whatsoever.  Within and as this fear reaction, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then just want to run away and hide and escape this world altogether.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry myself and go into self-pity and self-victimization when and as I experience income problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a prolonged experience of low-income, like over a month or so, act as a trigger for me to start going into reactions of self-pity, self-victimization, feeling sorry for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system and my pre-programming for my lack of income success in order to make myself feel better about myself and my current income situation in this economic system as it is now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work myself into an emotional frenzy of fear, anxiety, and self abuse / self-hatred when and as I experience low-income times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself and even hate myself to a certain degree when and as I experience low-income times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give-up altogether on trying to survive in this system and just be a bum on the streets as the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow low income times to act as a trigger for me to just want to give up altogether and thus within and as this desire to give up, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and justifications to not take care of my business and personal responsibilities to the best of my abilities at all times.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my lack of financial success has nothing to do with me personally as who I am as life / as the physical because I see, realize, and understand that who I am as life / as the physical is one and equal with all that is here as it is / I am of the same substance with the same awareness starting point as all that is here – and thus, I forgive myself that I have ignored the realization that success in this economic system is a matter of the pre-programming that one has within and as one’s mind-consciousness system and thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to develop the traits that are necessary to become successful in this economic system as it is now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a desire within and as myself to be wealthy so that I can appease me inferiority complex that I am un-fit, in-capable, and not really a man unless I can be wealthy – instead of creating the understand within and as myself that the only reason to be wealthy is so that one can participate in this system so as to be able to recreate this system to one that is best for all.

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of fear connected to my judging myself as less than a man – when and as I experience low income times, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to react in fear that I might really be inferior.  I commit myself to instead, just breathe and delete the fear and the judgments that come up through breathing until I am clear and stable.

When and as I see myself going into comparisons where I compare myself to other successful men and then judge myself that I am inferior to them and then react in fear that others might see this too, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow these fear, comparison, and judgment characters to exist within and as me.  I commit myself to immediately breathe and then say out-loud in a calm steady voice self-forgiveness on these points in the moment so as to assist myself to release myself from these fears, judgments, and comparisons the moment they come up.  I then remind myself that I am always equal with all that is here as me, in-fact, due to the point that we are all of the same substance, just taking different forms in this world as it is now.  From here, I direct myself to stabilize myself through breathing, and then commit myself to work in the most effective manner possible.

When and as I see myself going into blame, self-victimization, self-pity, and justifications as to why I am not making the money that I believe that I should be making, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow this because is see, realize, and understand that all these characters are of no use and only serve to separate myself from here and from taking self-responsibility.  Thus, I commit myself to stop these characters when and as they come up by immediately taking a deep breath and speaking self-forgiveness in a directive and stable voice tonality to help assist myself to release these characters from within and as me.  From here, I direct myself to apply myself to the best of my abilities in whatever task is at hand.

When and as I see myself judging myself to be less valuable, not a man, less than, and inferior – due to my having financial difficulty, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow this because I see, realize, and understand that this is simply not the case within the reality that all that is here is in-fact one and equal as substance / as the physical – just taking different forms and performing different functions.  I see, realize, and understand that within this point, I have misplaced myself self-value into within and as how much I can win and how much I can be macho within making lots of money, instead of placing my self value in me here as the physical where I have equal value to all that is here, in-fact.  Thus, I commit myself to remind myself that my self-value is here, within and as every breath that I take and as the physical.  I remind myself that inferiority and superiority do not really in-fact exist and that if I am going into these characters, I am in-fact operating from a starting point of mind-possession.  Thus, I commit myself to speak self-forgiveness in the moment to release myself from the mind possession if fearing that I am inferior / less than / and have no value.  I commit myself to breathe until I am stable.  From here, I commit myself to apply myself in ways that bring about the most value to all life that is here and also to my direct physical needs.

Day 300 – Public Speaking, II

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate in the backchat that ‘I am not good at public speaking.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch / observe others speak publicly and then directly compare that to myself and then go into the belief and fear reaction, that ‘I am not as good as them’.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that going into a fear reaction can protect me and assist me in public speaking when I see, realize, and understand that if there are traits that others possess that are beneficial to them – that I can cultivate these traits within and as myself through self-forgiveness and self-application and thus I have nothing to fear but only to gain from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the point of getting up to speak publicly, when it is my turn, to act as a trigger for me to go into anxiety and nervousness.   Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have conditioned myself to go into an nervousness and anxiety reaction through my own participation in backchat as comparisons, judgments, beliefs, and opinions that ‘I am not entertaining enough.  I am not as good as the others; and that I will disappoint the listeners.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself believe and perceive that the audience did not want to sit through everything that I had to say and thus, as a reaction to my own judgments, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move fast and skip over points that I wanted to talk about in order to ‘not be a burden on the audience.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am burdening the audience with all the details of what I am presenting as if they just want to hear the main points and that’s it and no more, not even a peep more.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I created this belief within and as myself in my own mind in separation from what is actually here, which is just a bunch of people listening to what I have to say who in actuality have expressed non of these beliefs that I hold within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that all of the judgments, opinions, beliefs, and criticisms that I projected onto the audience were in-fact coming from me / my own mind and had nothing to do with the audience.

When and as I see myself going into a nervousness and anxiety reaction triggered by my turn coming up to speak public ally, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to go into a nervousness and anxiety reaction before and during public speaking because I see, realize, and understand that nervousness and anxiety do not serve any purpose whatsoever and do not have the ability to assist and support me to speak publicly.  I see, realize, and understand that nervousness and anxiety show me that I have either been participating in adverse or unsupportive thoughts, feelings, and emotions in relationship to public speaking and also that I may have not been prepared effectively.  Thus, I commit myself to stop all thoughts, beliefs, ideas, perceptions, comparisons, and judgments that come up that ‘I am not good enough, and that no one wants to hear what I have to say’ - in the moment that they come up by simply deleting them and thus not participating in them and using the breath as my anchor to ground myself and remain here as the physical so as clear, stable, and free from any backchat or mind energies.  From here, I commit myself to examine myself as to where I may have not been prepared enough and then allow time for me to prepare so as to be ready in the future when it is my turn to speak publicly.  I commit myself to not use anxiety and nervousness to protect me, but instead I commit myself to use preparation and breathing to assist and support me to speak effectively public ally.

When and as I see myself going into the belief and perception and then projection that the audience does not want to hear what I say, has judged what I have to say and my appearance as not good enough / not entertaining enough / not worthy of their time to hear – I stop and I breathe.  I see, realize, and understand that within this, I am projecting my own thoughts, judgments, beliefs, and perceptions onto the audience as if this were coming from them when it is in-fact coming from my own mind.  Thus, I do not accept and allow this pattern to exist within and as me.  Instead, I commit myself to remind myself that unless the audience explicitly states such, that these constructs are coming from my own mind and I am merely projecting this onto the audience and thus this is all in my own imagination and is not actually the real in-fact case.  From here, I direct myself to breathe, slow down, and speak from a clear equal and one starting point the fullness of my message with every detail that I deem to be important with as much clarity and stability as I possess within and as me.

When and as I see myself making comparisons, I commit myself to stop all comparisons to others when they speak where I make positive or negative judgments about them and myself and thus place myself into the inferior or superior position in relationship to them.  Instead, I commit myself to make comparisons from a practical starting point where I simply look at qualities that the speakers possess, that I do not, that I may be able to integrate to within and as myself.  I commit myself to stop all fear in relationship to comparing myself to others and then fearing that I am not as good as them, but instead simply comparing myself to others and then moving myself through breath and self movement to acquire those traits within and as myself – thus I commit myself to moving the act of comparison into and practical tool of self support instead of a means of creating separation through creating inferiority and superiority constructs within and as myself.