Day 306 – The Bully, Part III – the inner bully

Ok so, I thought I completed the point on bullying in Part II, but then after doing an interview on bullying, recently, I realized that I was not clear on the point of the ‘inner’ bully.  I could not see this clearly at the time.  I could see it in concept and to a certain extent, physically, but not completely. 

I also saw, after the interview, another sound signature in the word ‘bully’ that I would like to point out:

• Bully = Bull Lie.  Now I saw that point the bull = bullshit, but what I did not see was that bull also = a bull, like the animal; and a bull is a big animal full of force due to its massiveness.  Like a bull can run you over and force its way, physically, if you try to stop it.

Now this point of the ‘bull’, is cool to point out because a bully is like a bull, as well, in that a bully forces his / her way upon others using his / her sheer physical and / or psychological weight through intimidation and badgering.  So, a bully is like a bull, and to bully is to be like a bull.  And of course, its all lies because we are all equal and fact and no one can really force one’s will on another nor does anyone have the inherent authority to do so.

So, some self-forgiveness on these two points:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself within and as my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself, about myself, within my own mind / my own back-chat things like ‘I will never make it’, ‘I am not good enough.’ ‘I am a failure.’ ‘I am less capable than others who (appear) are more successful then me.’ ‘I will lose everything.’ ‘I am not going to make it.’ – within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe these internal statements of bullying myself and then react in fear, and thus connect a fear reaction, within and as myself to these statements. 

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of the inner bully within me that tells me how fucked up I am whenever it is that I do something wrong or do not perform up to some standard that I have imposed upon myself through comparison, judgment, and faulty opinions and beliefs that I have not sorted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself around and force myself to accept the opinions and beliefs / the lies that I tell myself, as the inner bull - y, wherein through these lies, I push myself down where I exist in fear and terror of the ideas, perceptions, and beliefs that I terrorize myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become mind possessed with the inner bully character – wherein I bully myself and cannot even stop bullying myself for an extended period of time, until the energy of the bully character runs its course, wherein the whole time that I am bullying myself I am also consumed with fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to the measure that I am able to forgive myself – that is how much I can forgive others – and within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to the measure that I am able to embrace myself for who I am today, without any bullying, that this is how much I can embrace others without bullying – thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my inner bully character will express itself towards others in various ways as one can only treat others like one treats self.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the bully out there, is also a bully within himself. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that bullying serves no purpose whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief system within and as myself that inferiority and superiority exist.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others in physical looks, physical abilities, mental abilities, and personalities – and through comparison, judge myself as inferior or superior to others.   Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I deserve to be bullied by my own mind when and as I see myself as inferior through the act of comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to all the point of ‘failure’ to trigger the act of bullying within and as myself – where I start telling myself lies and forcing myself to believe in lies, within my own mind, about how fucked up I am and how fucked I am until I feel beat down, and even out of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear-monger myself through my own backchat, as the inner bully character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force my will upon myself within the point of forcing myself to believe that lies of how fucked up I am, within and as my mind / back-chat, as the inner bully character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually react in fear to the idea of standing up and stopping the inner-bully character as if the inner bully character is something that I deserve and must endure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intimidate myself through the bully character – thus fulfilling the sound signature of the ‘bull’ in bully – wherein like the animal, the bull, is extremely intimidating due to its sheer size and mass.

When and as I see myself going into the inner bully character, where I fear-monger myself and force my own lies upon myself about how fucked up I am through incessant back-chat, which is often times triggered by some form of failure, disappointment, or comparison to another, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to go into and be mind-possessed by this character because I see, realize, and understand that it does serves no beneficial purpose whatsoever, and also that it is total bullshit.  I see, realize, and understand that we are all in-fact equals, as physicality, and thus there is never a reason to compare, judge, self or others as inferior / superior, and thus there is never a real reason to bully self or others.  I see, realize, and understand that bullying is an act of separation where within the act of bullying one creates the illusion that self is separate.  I see, realize, and understand that certain points can trigger the bully character, such as a failure, a loss of business, intimidation due to someone who appears more successful or physically or emotionally perfect than self.  Thus, I commit myself to pay attention to these triggers that happen at random times in my life by always being here, slowing down, and breathing.  I commit myself to stop the inner bully character instantly when and as I see it by taking a deep breath, then stabilizing myself through breathing evenly in and out while at the same time deleting all the back-chat of the inner bully; and from here I commit myself to say self-forgiveness in the moment to release the inner bully character until I am completely clear.  I commit myself to remind myself that we are all in-fact equals and that superiority and inferiority do not exist.  I commit myself to remind myself that bullying myself will achieve nothing but to wear myself out physically as I expend all my energy on this self-abuse.  I commit myself to remind myself that how I treat and judge myself within, will reflect in how I treat and judge others without – thus, I commit myself to remind myself to be aware of the inner bully character as this reveals to me that I likely am also bullying others equally as I bully myself.  I commit myself to end the bully character within and without myself through watching the triggers, the comparisons, the judgments, and the beliefs that all contribute to the bully character and thus releasing them all through self-forgiveness and then grounding myself here through breathing.