Day 157 – Resistance to the 4-Count Breath

I have a resistance to the 4-count breath.  I feel as if my brain is going to get cut-off from oxygen and I will get brain damage on the hold and release parts of the 4-count breath.  I also feel this way to a certain extent on the 4 count in-breath and the 4-count out breath because I keep thinking to myself ‘holy shit this is a long in or out breath and then I have to go another 4 counts before the next cycle – that is a total of 12 counts from in to pause to out and then start again!  I can’t wait that long!”  Then in the process of this I loose my resolve and then have trouble keeping this up for more than one full cycle or so.  I also feel antsy and anxious, like I don’t want to slow-down, as it’s just too uncomfortable to do so. 

The 4-count breath is used to slow one’s self down and watch the thoughts that pop-up in one’s mind so the one can see what’s going on up there in the mind.  This is an important tool of self-support, and it is time I use this consistently.  The 4-count breath is 4 counts in-breath, hold 4 counts, 4 counts out-breath, hold 4 counts, and then start again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought and idea that ‘I cannot go through the full cycle of the 4-count breath without suffocating or getting brain-damage.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting brain damage from the 4-count breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear of the 4-count breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear slowing down and being here within and as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to slowing down and being right here and breathing the 4-count breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically uncomfortable when I slow myself down with the 4-count breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my physical discomfort that I experience when I slow myself down with the 4-count breath is due to me grounding myself – being right here within and as the breath – of which I am uncomfortable with because I am used to the racing thoughts and distractions of my mind.  And thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid at all costs being right here within and as the breath within the practice of the 4-count breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the energy of the thoughts that pop-up while doing the 4-count breath –thus loosing myself to my mind and then sabotaging my intention to be here within and as the 4-count breath – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a resistance to slowing down with the 4-count breath by following all the thoughts that pop-up, instead of remaining here and watching / noting the thoughts as is the purpose of this exercise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to merge with the energy and then further energize my thoughts that pop-up thus creating racing thoughts within my mind that pull me out of the 4-count breath, instead of remaining here as the observer of my thoughts through this exercise as I practice the 4-count breath to see, note, and study my thoughts and my mind and also slow myself down.

When and as I see myself chasing after my thoughts, ideas, and fears associated with or that come up when doing the 4-count breath, I stop and I remain resolved to continue counting and breathing within this 4 count cycle, because I see, realize, and understand that I am here and that the physical body can definitely, practically, survive the 4-count breath cycle with no problem.  I realize that these thoughts that pop-up and fears of the 4-count breath are diversions to keep me from merging with my body and the breath, as my mind fears not existing and I fear not existing so long as I merge with my mind through merging with the thoughts and energies that are of the mind. 

Thus, I commit myself to remain here and breath through the 4-count breath and simply stop all thoughts, fears, emotions, feelings that come up in this process through directing my awareness to my breath and the cycle of the 4-count breath.

Day 156 – Worry

I have had a lot to worry about recently.  Certain things happen that seem ‘to much to bear’ and then I just think about every conceivable angle incessantly.  I feel as if there is no way for me to stop, and that if I were to stop, then whatever I am worried about might happen.  I also, feel as if I deserve to worry, as if worry is a form of self-punishment as the state of mind one is in when worrying is not pleasant.  I fear not worrying about stuff, even. 

I must say, that there was some improvement in this recent bout.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about future events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about past events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not going into a state of worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to what might happen to me if I don’t worry about it / think about it constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my financial security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of business relationships that bring me money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting things happen as an outflow of consequence as they are without trying to control everything to my benefit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control of my financial future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the financial system and the consequences of rejection within and from the financial system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I have to worry about shit in order for things to work out for my benefit.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are times when ‘I must go into my mind incessantly, into a state of worry, to hopefully bring about the best possible outcome, and that I have no choice but to do so.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control what might happen to me through worry as if I have some psionic powers to control the future with my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe ‘as if I can cast a spell on others with my thoughts through worry – as if worry will actually change anything.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I deserve to be in the torment of worry, as if I have to keep on worrying otherwise those whose situation I am worried about would not be vindicated or given due credit.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to what might happen if I were to really stop worrying, when in the midsts of worrying about something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a fear reaction to what might happen to me of which merely exists within and as pictures in my mind based on information that I have from my physical environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I deserve to be in a state of worry.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the self-realization that worry and fear achieves nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that regardless of physical consequences, I am still here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I cannot control the outflow of consequences that are all ready set in motion both by my own personal actions and the actions of everyone and everything as a whole as all as one as equal as me – and that within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I must stand and breathe through any and all consequences that come my way no matter the severity and that I must stand to breathe and be here and transcend my mind and align my starting point with life so that I can eventually change the tide of consequences to be always best for all where one is always taken care of in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own creation both on an existential level including this entire existence as it exists and also on my own personal level in regards to consequences that I directly create in my own life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences that I have created for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear reactions to the fear of certain things happening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the fear energy experience that I go through when in fear of certain things happening to me that exist as pictures in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I fear my fear reaction more than the actual event that initiated the fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I fear my own fear reaction to a fear of something that exists as pictures in my mind, that I create a cycle of fear where I energize and charge-up the pictures of what might happen to me that exist in my mind – making them larger than life –and then this creates even bigger fear reactions that I then react in more fear to the fear reactions, even more – all of this cycling and creating / manifesting a state of worry / chronic worry – where I seek to find ways to end the fear that exists as pictures in my mind with other pictures that exist in my mind of things working out for the best, if possible, if I can find a way within and as my imagination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this fear and worry cycle is the only way that I can solve problems and protect myself from harm.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that worry is a state of mind – worry is the minds way of protecting itself form a perceived harm where there seems to be no way out because when there is way out or when the consequences are not that bad, then one does not worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use worry to try to solve problems instead of just simply applying common sense and preparing myself to stand through whatever consequences come my way by simply remaining here within and as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have not given myself permission to live here as the physical as the solution in every breath, and that as a consequence I have given myself to my mind to try to solve problems.

When and as I see myself going into a state of worry, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realize, and understand that worry is no solution and that worry will not protect me from anything.

Thus, I commit myself to, say to myself out-loud: ‘stop, delete – I give myself permission to stop this worry and live here and breathe’ when and as I see myself becoming possessed by worry.

Day 155 – Don’t Tread on Me, Part V - SCS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see customer x’s requests / complaints as infringing on me and invading my territory, so to speak, which triggered my ‘don’t tread on me character’ to activate in self-defense and to make myself feel better about myself from feeling invaded upon and because of my fear of the financial consequences of his request’s.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that going into the ‘don’t tread on me character’ to make myself ‘feel’ better / more positive and directive to address the feeling of inferiority and fear or financial consequences is no solution as I am only being directed by energy, going from a negative to a positive – but within this the negative will always exist as an underlying current to the positive as both exist together.

When and as I see myself reacting in fear to when a customer has a complaint that could cost me or my company money, I stop and I breathe, as I see, realize, and understand that going into a fear reaction brings no solution whatsoever.

Thus, I commit myself to stopping myself from participating in this fear when and as I see it by instead of going into it, simply saying out-load ‘I stop this fear.  I am not this fear’, and then directing my awareness to my breathing until my mind quiets down and I stop.

When and as I see myself reacting in anger to news that there is a costly problem as a result of a customer complaint of which I have judged to be ‘petty’, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realize, and understand that reacting in anger is no solution and only puts physical stress on my body.

Thus, I commit myself to stopping myself from participating in this anger reaction towards when customers make complaints / requests that I have judged to be ‘petty’ or ‘superfluous’ by saying out-loud ‘stop, delete!’  And then I direct myself to breathe until I have a clear mind and am stabilized within and as the breath.

When and as I see myself reacting in resentment towards those whom I perceive to be asking of me things that I have judged to be petty or superfluous / un-necessary and thus they are imposing on my ‘well-being’, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realize, and understand 3 things: 1.  That by judging others to be petty or superfluous where I associate a negative charge to them, I am actually judging others in separation of myself, as them; for, I see, realize, and understand that if I were them, I would ask the exact same thing – so I am in effect resenting myself.  2.  If what others are asking is not of equality and oneness and best for all, that is so because they are living within and as the mind, in separation from what is here with no self-awareness, and thus by my reacting in resentment towards them, I am in effect, doing exactly the same thing they are, which is a grand irony, and no solution as it will not solve this interesting irony.  3.  Reacting in resentment will not change the outcome, only acting in directive self-awareness has the potential to change the outcome and if not it will still align me to breathe and be here no matter the outcome.

Thus, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself becoming resentful towards others when I see / perceive them to be ‘infringing’ on ‘what’s mine’ due to ‘petty’ requests, to say out load ‘I stop – I do not accept and allow this separation’.  And this I simply breathe and equalize myself with others as me within and as the breath.

When and as I see myself going into the energy of the desire to go into the ‘don’t tread on me character’ where there is a whole reaction / personality sequence that unfolds that I have come to enjoy going into, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realize, and understand that going into this character is a form of energy addiction where equally I want / desire to go into the personality as a form of entertainment as much as it is as a reaction and form of ‘self-defense’ to my perceived threat / fear – and that this is no solution to my perceived fear / threat and is only a form of entertainment that I have created so as to make myself feel better about any perceived threat; and thus, what I am really doing is, I am solving a negative energy experience with a positive energy experience of which is a total mind-fuck.

Thus, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into the self-talk that precedes this character from coming out, where I become excited about my opportunity to express this character and go into the desire to express this character – to stop and say out-loud “stop, delete!”  - and then simply breathe and close my eyes while breathing where I watch my mind and slow it down until I stop.

When and as I see myself going into the energy of the belief that ‘I cannot stop this reaction sequence because I am overwhelmed by the whole situation’, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realize, and understand that by participating in this belief I am justifying my going into my mind for entertainment, self-defense, and also within a point of helplessness – all of which is further energy / mind addiction and ultimately a total submission to my mind.  This is not real.  This is not who I am.  I am here. 

Thus, I commit myself to, when as I see myself going into the self-talk / back-chat that ‘I cannot stop this / I have no self-control’ where I permit myself to act ‘impulsively’ – I stop and I breathe and take my power back and delete these thoughts and say to myself ‘this is who I am.  I am right here!”  And thus I give myself back to myself where I am the directive power, not my mind.

Day 154 – Don’t Tread on Me, Part IV

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to go into the energy experience of reaction and reacting to customer x’s request that I had judged to be petty and superfluous.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I could not resist reacting’ because within this believe I have justified my reacting and thus being able to fulfill my desire to go into the personality system that sprang into action once I allowed it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel better about myself from an egoic perspective, like ‘I am really cool’ because I like my personality and the humor that comes out when this personality activates; within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I hear myself going into this personality as a reaction to customer x’s requests, participate in another back-chat where I am like saying to myself that ‘I am cool’ and that ‘I am funny’ and that ‘I have a cool way of handling things’ and then all this creates a feeling of superiority and thus I feel better about myself while in the midsts of participating in this reaction sequence / personality that springs forth in response to situations like this when and as I give myself permission.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to raise my voice and rant and rave for about an hour all to blow off ‘steam’.  And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify going into this reaction sequence / personality all to just blow off steam, as if I have to do so in order to bring myself back to normal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to raise my blood pressure and put further stress on my physical body so that it can support me to go into an energetic reaction sequence / personality that requires energy and the physical body to supply this energy and also expend this energy through the raising of its blood pressure and other mechanisms that do damage to the physical.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the physical for my own purpose, my own egoic desires and needs, and for my own pleasure in separation of the physical as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the entertainment of my mind wherein I am entertained by the various personalities and characters that spring forth in reaction to things in my world where I actually enjoy going into these personalities and characters as I have this self-talk / back chat that is going on in the background like Siskel and Ebert, the movie critics, critiquing my personalities and characters as if they are Hollywood productions which in turn causes me to feel good about myself or scared or concerned that maybe I did something wrong wherein I activate other personalities and characters in order to make myself feel better again, like an endless cycle, an endless Siskel and Ebert show.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire certain personalities and characters to spring forth into action because of my enjoyment and pleasure found when participating in them and within this, form an addiction to my mind and the energy and energetic relationships that I have with my mind and its various characters and personalities.

To be continued…

Day 153 – Don’t Tread on Me, Part III

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to the news that there is a costly problem with the order for customer x.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger to the news that there is a costly problem with the order for customer x.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resentment towards my customer to when he indicated that he would like certain items replaced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle my customer in order to feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I cannot resist going into a reaction’ and then as a consequence I accepted and allowed myself to go into a whole personality system of reaction that lasted for about an hour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pleasure in the emotional reactions that I went through in response to this event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by fear – the fear of losing money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the potential of losing money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to my fear of losing money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my fear reaction to my fear of losing money, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear which then charges up my initial fear of losing money, making it worse where it feeds its in an endless cycle-loop where my only solution is to completely stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be become angry at my customer for making me afraid of losing money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my customer for my fear of losing money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my customer for my fear reaction of losing money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my anger within the point that ‘I am in fear and cannot stop myself.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot stop myself from reacting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pre-program a system of reactions / a personality that springs forth at the right time so that I can entertain myself with the reaction sequence that unfolds in response to certain events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a liking and a taste for going into reactions and personalities where I actually like and enjoy this experience and thus it makes it difficult for me to ‘resist’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to balance out the fear reaction with the pleasure of the reaction / sequence / personality that springs forth in response where I react with anger, spite, belittling the customer / being, humor for an hour or so, until the fear energy diminishes and the energy of these reactions diminish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reactive ‘impulsively’, like to go immediately into a reaction / personality to a specific event, in reaction to an already existing fear reaction, without even taking a breath and in-spite of the common sense to just stop and simply breathe, that was also part of my awareness in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will ‘feel better’ if I go into a reaction sequence of anger and spite mixed with humor in order to alleviate the fear reaction that is already playing out within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be entertained by the reactions that I go into.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to exist within and as the entertainment of my own mind instead of remaining here and just simply existing within and as the physical, as the breath, here.

To be continued…

Day 152 – Don’t Tread on Me II

So, picking up from yesterday, a cool point, to point-out, is that it is really not the event that is the topic, it is who I am within the event; or rather, it is who I am accepting and allowing myself to be in relation to the event.  The event is the trigger – that point wherein I accept and allow myself to go into a reaction of some-sort. 

In this case, I was here with myself watching myself go into these reactions where I gave myself permission to go into these reactions almost for no reason at all.  It was more of an impulse, like here I am, I have this event, and this event is a great excuse to start reacting, let’s do this! 

I suppose there is a whole personality system that was activated that relates to this event or events like these, where part of me was just itching to go into this personality as if it were pleasurable to do so to a certain extent.  I say this because there was a sense of pleasure while going into this reaction in a certain way, with in regards to the humor I used, the anger reaction- the totality of the reaction event that lasted for like an hour was very specific and I like knew how I was going to be before going into this, like a whole personality system that I recognized and liked and was looking forward to going into.

I could have stopped myself.  I was here watching myself, and I decided almost impulsively to carry forward with the whole reaction sequence that activated.  Like, I had no real internal dialog about whether I should react, or breathe.  I just allowed myself to react.  Why did I do this? 

So, yes, I am writing about that one moment, that moment where I made the decision in a split second to go into reactions – where I could have remained here and breathed, yet I did not. 

Perhaps also, it’s because I had all this fear energy building up and that reacting was a way to release this energy.  Perhaps I was already reacting the whole time, before I made the decision to go into the reaction / personality, and then it became too much and at some point, I let it all out.  So, like, I became overwhelmed by the title-wave of emotions and fears that were already rolling through by the time I was able to really see myself for what I was doing – and in that moment, I surrendered to the forces within the belief that it was too much for me to stop and then I just went into the energy of the tidal wave even more and lost myself within it until the energy wore down.

So, why did I make the title of this post ‘Don’t Tread On Me”?  Well, I don’t really know exactly.  These words were just in my head at the time of yesterday’s post, and it too was a bit of an impulse to make this the title.  Yet, that was also based on a feeling / energy that I had at the time of the reaction.  I was like defending ‘what’s mine’ within my anger towards this customer.  Like, I perceived this customer, to be infringing on me to a certain extent.  Like, he is going to cost me money because of his problem with his picky-ness and lack of consideration for the bigger picture; and as a result, I am the victim where I loose what I have a ‘right to’, which is the money earned from the job, which pays for my way of life, and the things I need.  So, it’s like me against him in a way, where he is using his bullshit to have his way, which affects me, and thus I am standing up and saying ‘back-off fucker!’  Yet, I am really not standing up to him, I am just doing this without his awareness / without expressing this to him.  When I actually see this guy it is all smiles and yes sir, ‘I will get that re-ordered for you.’  So, this makes me feel better and makes me feel like I am standing up for myself when really, I am just reacting and becoming emotional.

So, I will pick up again on my next post.

Day 151 - Don't Tread On Me

So, there is another incidence of 'holy shit, that could cost me some money' in my life and occupation. 

There is a certain situation at work where I overlooked a point, a very understandable and minor point to overlook; and then combined with the fact that I have another one of those super-picky customers along with a contract that supports his 'side' where he could technically force me to replace a couple very expensive items, I immediately went into a fear reaction.  I also became angry that this customer could be so picky and self-centered.

So, I belittled this customer in my thoughts, in my self talk in my mind and out loud, and also in conversation with another guy I work with.  I went on a rant for about an hour.  I referred to the customer as 'rain-man' insinuating that he must be autistic because of his position where he actually wants me to replace very expensive items for arguably minor and insignificant issues - issues so insignificant that it can be argued within common sense that these issues don't even really exist. 

I felt better about myself by calling him 'rain-man' (like in the movie Rain-man that came out in the early 90s).  I felt superior as if I was better than my customer, in a way, from the point that he's obviously got some kind of a problem.  I also felt relieved to be able to express myself in this way.  Referring to my customer as 'rain-man' was like a point of release where I was like blowing-off steam, making myself feel better about myself within the point of entertaining myself with my own humor, and also blaming my customer within the point of 'he's got some sort of social problem and has nothing to do with me.'

So why did I accept and allow myself to react this way?  Who am I within this?  Is this reaction really an effective way to deal with this situation?  Is this really the other guys problem, or is it really something within self that I am not looking at?  Where am I within all this?  Why do I believe that it is necessary for me to react in some way when faced with these situations?  Why don't I just slow down and breathe and look for the most common sense resolution and simply decide to find the most agreeable solution for both parties and simply face the fact that this could cost me money without reacting in fear or anger or any sense of inferiority?  Why do I go into these types of reactions while I at the same time have a I have sense of awareness that these reactions are not necessary, damaging to my physical body, and work to further enslave me to my mind?  Why? 

I will look into all this in my next post.

Day 150 – The Divine Inner Self as Guide – Where will that lead you? Part V

Continuing Looking at 'The Divine Inner Self as Guide'

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the words 'divine-inner guide' as positive / good in separation of myself where I react in excitement and become and positively energized when I hear these words and then become even more excited when I hear someone speak that I can be these words because I have separated myself from these words as me – thus within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by words and ideas instead of me moving me in absolute oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that who I really am is right here within and as the physical, as my body, as all that is physically here – everything that I can touch and feel is me – and that nothing exists as a divine-inner guide outside of the energies of the words that we alone within and as our minds associate with it / the physical reality. And within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that words alone do not change what is here – that regardless of what one calls oneself of others, one is still here one and the same before and after the words are spoken / allocated to the being / object – and within this it is self-deceptive to believe in self or others or objects as the ideas and pictures that exist within one's mind instead of seeing things for what they are in the physical, equal and one, where no fancy titles are required of self or others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself within and as my mind to such an extent that I would want to believe in the idea of myself as divine so that I can lift myself up within and as the energy of the idea / belief itself. And within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I give myself permission to believe that I am really divine, then I open up myself to even more self-abuse through within and as my mind – because everything of the idea of the 'divine-inner guide' exists within and as pictures in one's mind and has nothing to do with / does not exist here in this physical reality outside of the mind.

I see, realize, and understand that it is self-deception and self-manipulation within the point that one is manipulating self into a positive experience and relationship with self by believing in self as a divine inner guide so as to alleviate the negative experience of self that always exists as a result of living a life within and as a mind-consciousness being, and thus although the idea of beings a 'divine-inner guide' sounds like a wonderful solution, it is not and will only lead one into one's mind even further which will exacerbate the negative experience of self even more-so.

I see, realize, and understand that I am my own guide already when and as I apply common sense to both my reality and my own mind, so that I can direct myself to do what is practical to manage myself in this reality as it exists now to the best of my abilities, and to slow-down and eventually stop my mind that is constantly creating both positive and negative energies / experiences that direct me so long as I accept and allow it within and as my ignore-ance which is perpetuated through my believing ideas such self as a divine inner guide.

And thus, I commit myself to being my own guide through within and as applying common sense where I investigate myself as my mind so as to stop all the energies, beliefs, reactions, ideas, and words that are directing me – so that I can finally breath and live here in the physical of no mind as all as one as equal. And I will do this through guiding myself to apply common sense to all things.

Day 149 – The Divine Inner Self as Guide – Where will that lead you? Part IV

Looking at 'The Divine Inner Self as Guide'

In this writing, I am addressing, within self-forgiveness, the questions asked in Day 146, and basically answering the question of 'who am I within seeing self as the divine inner guide?”

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my own divine inner guide because that brought me hope that I could be my own solution and that it also made me feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe in the divine inner guide within because it sounds spiritual and I have positively charged the word and idea of spiritual / spirituality as positive and good and as the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with excitement to the phrase 'divine inner guide' because I had already preprogrammed myself to do so within positively charging spirituality and anything related to spirituality by making it into something good and right, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved and directed by reactions, and emotions, and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can be my own guide within and as self-honesty and common sense, and that I do not have to pretend or believe that I am 'divine' and that I am my own inner guide to do so. And within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that simply believing in myself as a 'divine inner guide' without defining and exploring exactly what that means and is, within common sense and a physically verifiable application, then that will lead me into following my emotions and feelings as guides – where I follow my feelings and resist my emotions within the belief that my feelings are my divine inner guide and my emotions and fears are the parts of me that I need to suppress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe in myself as this 'great divine all-knowing inner guide / self', instead of just simply being 'here' and content as a living breathing physical being – and within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that self-honesty and self-honest common sense where one investigates one's own mind and what one has become within and as the mind, are all that one needs to be able to support self within the point of being a guide – and that this does not require divinity or the idea / belief of being divine to do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only 'the divine' can be a guide and that within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set-up a hierarchy of superior and inferior beings where only superior and divine beings can act as guides to the rest of us lowly inferior beings who are lost and completely dependent on superior beings. And within this belief, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to render myself helpless as I have put myself into the inferior category. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become excited at the idea that I too can be a god / superior / guide being if I just believe in myself as a divine-inner guide that can guide me through my troubled waters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the idea that I really am divine and that I have just forgotten about this and that all I need to do is remember who I really am as this great divine being that is being tested in this earthly life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by the emotional and feeling reactions that I have towards hearing the various spiritual beliefs where some beliefs cause emotional reactions that I then want to resist and others cause feeling reactions where I am attracted to them and want to believe in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe in myself as this 'divine inner guide' because of how I want to see myself as this 'special divine being who is just lost for the moment but has this great potential and destiny and purpose just waiting to be discovered'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in so much fear and the feeling of powerlessness to do anything about that what I fear, that when I hear the words 'divine inner guide' I become excited within the point that I have hope in my own personal power. And within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I still don't believe in myself even when I believe I am my own divine inner guide because if I did believe in myself I would not have to believe that I am anything other that who I am right here in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that who I am as my own guide is right here in every breath, where I self-honestly explore myself as the mind and that what I fear and then I use common sense to sort-out my 'problems' and find solutions and then walk the solutions – and that this does not require a belief system in me being something that I am not and cannot verify within common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is not self-honest and it is not common sense to believe that I am this 'divine-inner guide'. And within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is self-honest and it is common sense to see that I am in-fact a physical being that is here within and as a physical world where solutions to my 'problems' can be walked in real-time in my physical environment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by believing myself to be this divine-inner guide, that I am making myself into an idea / picture image and that this bubble can be burst within this physical reality when and as times get tough again, and that when this happens I will be left with myself in a negative experience of loss that I myself created.

To be Continued...

Day 148 – The Divine Inner Self as Guide – Continued

Continuing from where I left off on day 147, on the topic of 'Silencing the Mind':



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'silencing the/my mind' in and of itself is a solution, as if that will stop the voices as personalities and characters that exist within and as my mind that constantly speak fear, justifications, judgments, etc without realizing that what one is really doing within the point of 'silencing the mind', is merely suppressing those voices and pushing them 'down' into the subconscious and unconscious mind where one cannot see or hear from them, but they still exist and from the subconscious and unconscious mind they have even more control / influence over the being / myself. And within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, an understand that the silencing of the mind' is actually the result, not the solution, of directing self to instead breathe and then within self-honesty investigate those thoughts, feelings, emotions as personalities and characters as voices in the head, that are possessing self and then from there releasing self from them through self-forgiveness and corrective application where one walks the change in the physical as a physical application – where all this is done over time where eventually one will be clear where nothing exists in the secret chambers of the mind that can influence self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the 'silencing of the mind' as the solution, instead of what it actually is as the result of self-application, because within believing this I / one is able to negate self-responsibility to self, where one stands up and faces self for what self has accepted and allowed to exist within one's own thoughts / mind as the mind, while at the same time 'elevating' self's idea / picture of self to one of being superior, like being a master of some sort who silences the mind, which is all just an idea that has been programmed within one's subconscious and unconscious mind over one's lifetime within the point of casually accepting the images and pictures as ideas and beliefs of spirituality from one's world, without really being 'here' and considering the consequential outflow of what it really means to exist as the idea / picture / belief of a spiritual being who silences the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that if I had been taking the self-responsibility to stop my mind through breathing so as to be remaining here within and as the physical in every breath, and from there investigate myself as the mind within self-honesty, and from there speak / write self-forgiveness, and from there speak / write / walk corrective application, which includes again breathing and remaining here in every breath – that I would consider it an odd and fool-hearty solution to become the idea/ picture of a spiritual being who stops the mind through suppressing it into the subconscious and unconscious mind through mediation, in order to solve one's self-created problems of mental backchat that dominates the being – as this would be like closing one's eye's to what's here and expecting it to not exist just because one's eyes are closed, and not only that but believing self to be enlightened or superior in a way, when all one has really done is merely found a way to hide from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I have internal dialog / backchat that I cannot 'escape' from within the point that I cannot get it to stop, that that is usually due to fear, and fearing my own fear – where I fear a fear reaction to a fear that thus creates / charges up the imagery of a feared event within my mind which further charges-up more fear and fear of the fear reaction to the fear in my mind like a viscous cycle – and that within this, to hear the words 'just silence the mind' gives me a great hope that I have some form of solution / escape and self-empowerment from this self-induced torment of fearing my own fear which makes me feel helpless and thus this is why it is so enticing to hear these words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the 'victim' of my own thoughts and within this feel inferior and powerless to others and my own mind and from this starting point of inferiority and powerlessness become attracted and allured to the idea of 'silencing the mind' because this gives me a sense of taking my power-back thus giving me hope and also the potential to manifest myself as a superior spiritual being.

I see, realize, and understand that the solution to one's problem of mental backchat / internal dialog that dominates the mind to a point where one feels' helpless and fearful and even self-victimized is to stop one's mind through breathing, and then investigating it within self honesty and common sense, and from there release and transcend the mind through self-forgiveness and walking corrective application where one scripts out exactly how one will change self so as to not generate the internal dialog / backchat that self was tormenting self with in the first place.

I see, realize, and understand that it is not self honest and not 'common sense' to believe in the idea of a spiritual being or the idea of 'stopping the mind' as a solution, because these points avoid the actual facing of self which is the only true solution one ever actually has.

I commit myself to breathing and remaining here and facing myself as all as one as equal, as the solution.

Day 147 – The Divine Inner Self as Guide – Where will that lead you? - Part II

– Looking at the statement 'Silencing the Mind'

Looking at where it is suggested to silence that mind, I can see how this is very enticing as it is true that everyone experiences that inner voice that is always up there talking about something, and it gets more intense when there is perceived danger.

However, the point to consider is 'where are all the personalities and characters that drive the inner voices in one's head, going to go?' Is one just going to suppress them, like shove them in a closet of the mind somewhere? Because, one must consider that these voices are like entities within and as themselves and cannot just be ordered to go away. It is not that simple.
 

You see, the real silencing the mind is done over years of self-application, and is result / consequence lived into one's life when one investigates all the voices as personalities and characters in one's head and get's to the root of each one and then releases self-from them one-by-one, bit-by-bit over time, through self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and then walking and applying the realizations found in one's self-honesty and self-forgiveness. If silencing the mind is done in any other way, such as meditation for instance, what one is really doing is just suppressing the voices in one's head because unless those voices are faced for what they really are, then they will still exist no matter how 'silent' one may believe one's mind to be.

I have fallen for this myself in times past. So, I will demonstrate the real solution to stopping the mind within the self forgiveness to follow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the simple act of 'silencing my mind' is a solution for the voices in my head.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the voices in my head are the voices of personalities and characters that exist within and as my mind, that I myself created and designed within and as the energy of my own mind over time, throughout the course of my life, and will only 'go away' if I face them for what they are within self-honesty and then apply self-forgiveness and corrective application, where I script out exactly how I will change myself in relation to the personalities and characters that drive these inner voices – and within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that these inner voices will only be suppressed into my subconscious and unconscious mind where they still have control and power over me, in fact even more so than before, if I try to suppress them through meditation or just telling myself to stop these voices without investigating them for what they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the statement 'silence the mind' with positive energy and as 'good' and 'spiritual' and then become excited about hearing those words spoken. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within that excitement, let my 'guard' down and then believe whatever comes next out of the mouth or writings of whomever spoke such words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the desire to see myself as 'wise', because I have charged this word as positive / good/ superior too, and being wise offered a solution to the fear that I have of self as being lost and helpless and hopeless and powerless to the whims of my mind. And within this desire to be wise, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the 'power of silencing the mind' because this is considered to be a 'wise statement', without investigating it within and as self-honesty because it made me feel better and more hopeful about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'superior to others' because I practiced the power of 'silencing the mind' and that made me feel wise and as if I am a spiritual leader of some sort, and within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desire to feel wise and like a spiritual leader is because of my negative experience of myself as 'less than' and powerless to this world, to others, and to the whims of my mind and the fears that I have of my world and myself.

To be continued tomorrow

Day 146 – The Divine Inner Self as Guide – where will that lead you?

“When you're troubled or you're seeking answers, silence the mind. Allow the Divine inner wisdom within to guide you”

I saw this quote the other day and thought that it would be fun to break it down. This is an interesting quote as it has some valid points in it, but ultimately if one follows the advice of this quote one will be abdicating all self-responsibility to direct self from the starting point of self-awareness as what is best for all, and as a consequence thus abdicating self to the mind, once again. Let's have a look.

First let's look at the first part of the statement 'when your troubled or seeking answer's...'. Within this statement, I would assume that this means that there is a lot of mental backchat / dialog going on in relation to fears / fear of things that might happen to self or others and within the point of 'seeking answers', this would indicate to me that one does not see a way out of the fears coming up in relations to something. Whatever the case, there must be thoughts and emotions dominating the mind in order for one to define self as 'troubled and seeking answers' because if not, then self would simply be 'here' breathing, right?

Then as a solution, the author of this quote, offers the idea of 'silencing the mind and thus allowing the 'divine inner wisdom within to guide you'. Well see, this is based on the reality that the act of silencing the mind is the direction one would want to go in order to alleviate the self-inflicted torment of participating in all the backchat / internal dialog associated with the fears 'of what might happen' or 'what is happening' that must be currently 'troubling' the individual. So, what the author of this quote is saying is 'stop all those fears and the backchat / internal diagonal associated with all those fears so as to stop torchering self with one's own mind, and then accept and allow the 'inner divine wisdom' to take over that comes from the silence of the mind, as the solution.

So, that is cool and all, and has some veracity to it, yet there are some questions that one must ask self, if self desires to be the solution to one's apparent problems or 'troubled-ness', such as: “where does this divine inner wisdom come from?” and “how does one know that this divine inner wisdom can guide self?” and “how is one going to stop all this backchat / internal dialog that's going on in the mind in the first place? Is one going to truly release self from it, or just suppress it? - and how does self know the difference?” and “how does self know that this divine inner wisdom is not coming from the subconscious and unconscious mind? And “why is it so enticing to hear a statement like 'the divine inner wisdom'? - why not just breathe and act within and as common sense as a solution?” and “where is our self-responsibility if we are guided by this 'divine inner wisdom'?” and '”why do we like to believe that we have this inner wisdom and that we are divine and that our 'inner' selves or 'higher selves' or other 'higher beings' out there are here to guide us, if we only believe in them or ourselves as these guides?” and “who is self within all of this? - is this an act of self-responsibility to believe in something outside of self, or a 'higher divine inner self' that will guide us through 'troubled times / waters' that we can access if we stop our mind?” Is this not an act of separation?”

I will look at all these questions in the next post. For now, the point that I would like to make is that it is so easy to get caught-up in these seemingly cool statements because they sound so good and bring hope that there is a way out of our fears, an easy way out – like all we have to do is stop the fears and the backchats and then believe in ourselves because we already are these great wonderful beings. But the huge problem with that is that we are nothing other than what we have already created ourselves to be and that to be the solution for ourselves or others takes self-application, time, and self-commitment. It is not magic that just happens when we 'believe' in something or ourselves.

Day 145 – Fishing Derby Self-Forgiveness and Self Commitments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that reactions and reacting is just limited to what one can see in the physical / as an outward physical outburst.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this belief, 'that reactions are limited to just what one can see in the physical' is due to my not investigating reactions, and what constitutes a reaction, and rather just merely casually accepting and allowing the definition that I operated by to be programmed in me overtime within me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I was being directed by my definition of a reaction, where I would overlook all those reactions that occurred within my mind, even as a single seemingly harmless thought that occurred in response to something, as being a reaction; and as a result, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my self-awareness within and as a faulty belief / definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'anything that is not a reaction as per my definition of a reaction, then must be who I really am.'

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I am reacting to something, like for instance going into the desire to smoke pot as a reaction to someones else's suggestion, that I am accepting and allowing myself to be mind-possessed, and that is not really who I am of life – and that I am mind-possessed because I have accepted and allowed myself to be reactive – to react to the word / idea of smoking pot (in this example) that someone else spoke (in this case) - and then I reacted with a whole sequence of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that occurred within and as my mind, that I alone per-programmed over-time as a result of my sleep-walking through my existence, and not taking self-responsibility to be 'here' within every moment of every breath where I decide who I am and I am directing how it is and what it is that I am programming myself with and to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider investigating every single thought that comes up within and as my mind, into my awareness by asking myself 'where does this thought/reaction really come from?', 'what memories/ideas/desires/fears/etc.. are triggering this to come up within me?'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to investigate only the thoughts / feelings / emotions that I have judged to be 'bad' or 'not who I really am', and within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within judging my thoughts I am thus creating a resistance to / towards releasing myself from my existence as a mind-consciousness system because I am thus only investigating certain thoughts and everything else is actually being reinforced into and as my existence as a mind-consciousness system because I am believing it to be me or to be 'OK'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'caught' by the thoughts that pop-up as bait, from my mind, by reacting to them with more thoughts in which I thus activate all the pre-programmed personalities and characters that underlie / are attached to each thought that floats into my consciousness – and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used as the energy source of my mind by creating energy as a result of my participation in thoughts, feelings, and emotions as a response / reaction to the initial 'bait' / thought that my mind floated into my conscious awareness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desires, thoughts, fears, emotions, and feelings are NOT who I really am of life and that who I really am of life is right here in the physical as who I am in every breath, here – where I am already complete, whole, and stable within every breath. And within that, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to simply stop and breathe whenever I have a reaction of any kind no matter how 'small', thus bringing myself back here / to oneness and equality within and as the physical.

When and as I see myself going into desires, fears, thoughts, characters, personalities, emotions, feelings of any sort, I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that these are all reactions – where I go into the energy of the pre-programmed nature of the mind believing it to be me / who I am of life.

And thus I commit myself to investigating every single thought that comes up.

I commit myself to stopping myself and breathing because I realize that if I am not doing so, then I am thus reacting.

Day 144 – The Reaction Fishing Derby of the Mind

I am starting to see that I am either doing one of two things: breathing or reacting. I used to believe that reactions were limited to just the obvious, like reacting in anger towards someone. But now I see that the moment that I go into any form of desire, want, need, fear, resistance, a thought pattern, emotion, or feeling, etc., that I am thus reacting.

It is so interesting because I used to think that it was only what can be seen on the outside that was indicative of what is a reaction; but now I see that it is any moment of loosing myself to the mind that is what constitutes a reaction.

This insight opens the playing field up quite a bit. As before this realization, I would not consider investigating all those seemingly 'small / insignificant' occurrences / reactions that I go into practically all day long, in my mind, especially if I could 'contain' them and 'suppress' them. Then there is also the point that I would believe these reactions to be me / who I really am, and that only when I accept and allow them to manifest to a point where my outward behavior was changed / obviously changed, such as an outburst of anger, etc., that that was the point where a reaction became my definition of a reaction.

For instance, I was at my brother-in-laws house again the other day. And he offered pot. I instantly went into all kinds of pictures / memories in my mind that brought up all kinds of positive feelings associated with smoking pot that then created a desire within and as me to smoke pot. This was all going on behind the scenes, where no one could see. Normally, I would see this 'reaction sequence' as 'who I really am. That I really wanted to smoke pot as a natural expression.' But that is not the case. What really happened there, was that I was reacting to the word 'pot' and then the idea of smoking pot, because I have charged this with positive feelings based on memories that I have associated with it. This reaction drew me into my mind further and then I became possessed by the idea of smoking pot. There was no outward reaction here. There was not outburst of anger where I could say that I was reactive based upon my outward actions. No, this was all going on inside me, and I accepted and allowed myself to go through this because I believed these reactions to be me, to be my natural expression as if I really wanted to smoke pot as a physical being. But that is not the case and this can be proven within one simple test. The test is the breath. I could have chosen to simply stop my thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires as pictures and of memories that all existed in my mind, in that moment, as one big reaction / sequence of reactions by simply stopping my participation in all of that through breathing / directing my attention to myself here as the breath. Because, through breathing I can see and prove physically, that it is only in the mind, that I had the desire to smoke pot.

When one is here as the breath / breathing, one has no desires, fears, ideas as pictures directing self – one is simply here equal and one with all as self. Everything else is a reaction.

Another interesting point that I am seeing, is that this is how the mind uses the being to create energy to sustain itself / its existence and ensnare the being in and as its existence as a mind-consciousness system. You see, the mind offers up a thought. The thought floats 'up' into one's awareness / consciousness. The moment that one misses a breath and reacts to this initial thought with more thoughts, feelings, emotions etc, one is reacting and thus playing the energy game with and as the mind / creating energy thus sustaining the mind's existence and then enslaving self to the limitation of the mind.

This happens all the time. I can see this quite well when driving, when I have a lot of quiet time to myself. A thought will pop-up, and then I can either breathe and stop the sequence of events to follow as reactions, or I can react with more thoughts, personalities that are activated by the initial thought, emotions, etc. And even when I breathe and stop the reactions to the initial thought, there is another pop-up thought that follows not to far behind.

I am starting to see this as a form of fishing for the mind, where the mind is 'fishing' for the energy that is created by the being reacting to the initial thought. Sometimes, a thought will pop-up in one's mind that causes a whole sequence of reactions that lead into outbursts or reactions in the physical. This would be like catching a big fish at a fishing derby / a huge score for the mind. LOL. But the mind is satisfied with even small fish. Even one little reaction generates energy and makes the fishing / pop-up thoughts worth it, for the mind.
 

So, the point to consider, to stop all this, is to realize that nothing of the mind is real / nothing of the mind is really who you are. What is real and 'who one really is', is right 'here' in the physical that can only be seen in every moment of breath. This is the real 'you' – everything in this existance in its totality as it really physically exists. Thoughts are not who you are, but mere reactions to what is actually here. Therefore, you can consider any thought, desire, emotion, fear, feeling etc., no matter how seemingly small, or insignificant, or innocent to be a reaction of some-sort. So, stop reacting and feeding the mind and your enslavement to the mind, and start breathing and no longer believe yourself to be as limited as the thoughts that roll through your mind.

Self Forgiveness to Follow.

Day 143 – Self Commitments To Stop Beliefs

I commit myself to identifying and then investigating everything that I take for granted as real and true of myself, of others, and of this world, to see if it stands that test of 'common sense in application within and as the physical, to see if it is in fact physically verifiable, practical, and possible, and to see if it's outflow of consequences are best for all - because I see, realize, and understand that beliefs and holding onto beliefs only supports the mind-consciousness system in its endless quest for energy charged through participating in emotions and feelings generated by how I have defined myself in relation to things in my world through my beliefs which would all fall apart if my beliefs where to be shown to be untrue.

I commit myself to stopping the practice of attaching justifications and self-righteousness to ideas, so that I can make myself believe my ideas to be true and real, so that I can feel justified and right 'in my own eyes' while I pursue self-interest and positive energy or even negative energy as emotion and feeling reactions to what I do based on those beliefs.

I commit myself to investigating all my desires, because I see, realize, and understand that desires often lead to one attaching justifications and self-righteousness to an idea, thus creating a belief that will give permission or access to the fulfillment of a desire.

I commit myself to stopping myself, slowing myself down and breathing when and as I go into an automated response of 'defensiveness' when and as one of my ideas or beliefs are challenged because I see, realize, and understand that I may not even know that I am reacting within and as a belief but that my defensiveness is a 'red-flag' saying 'here I am. There is a belief here. Come check me out.' - and Then from that point, I commit myself to identify, investigate, and then purge whatever underlying belief there was that caused me to be defensive.

I commit myself to no longer take-for granted what society or others tell me because I fear that I am not able to see for myself because I see, realize, and understand that we are all equals in common sense and that one only need to investigate in common sense what others say so as to verify if something is true, and if one does not have the common sense developed to verify something, one can simply put it on hold until a later date to verify it is is true or not when one develops the commons sense to do so.

I commit myself to no longer 'blindly' act, but to act within common sense and awareness within everything that I do within every breath.  I see, realize, and understand that this will take time, as I breath-by-breath explore myself and everything that I have ever believed to be true, of which there are many things that I still believe, but cannot see yet because I am 'blindly' reacting within and as beliefs that I have pre-programmed over a lifetime within my conscious and subconscious mind. – thus I commit myself to slowing down and breathing and traveling into my mind with awareness so that I can see myself for who I really am and see whether or not beliefs exist within and as me and are directing me.

I commit myself to no longer being directed by beliefs, desires, or ideas charged / attached with justifications, self-righteousness, and emotional bodies by slowing myself down through breathing and stopping my mind thus bringing myself 'here' within and as the breath, so that I can see myself for what I am accepting and allowing.

Day 142 – Beliefs continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts are who I really am, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by thoughts as energy by reacting to them as they come up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'it is natural for a man to desire and need to see and experience the perfect female physical form' because within that belief, that it is 'natural', I have justified myself in accepting and allowing myself to objectify the female form for my own pleasure – where I derive a reaction of excitement as energy from looking at the female form and judging it, in separation myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within believing that the objectification of the female form is 'natural and normal' for a 'man' that I am also alleviating an emotional reaction of guilt that may be associated with this if I were to believe otherwise. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set-up a belief-system about who I am as a man in relation to women / the female form that allows me to follow my emotional energetic reactions and desires that I have towards women.

I forgive myself that that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow an idea to emerge within myself and then attach justifications and self-righteousness to it along with emotional bodies / reactions and thus turn it into a belief within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have to allow the premise of the self-righteousness and the justifications to exist within and as me in order for these justifications and self-righteousness to exist within and as me in order to form and support the creation of beliefs starting with ideas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for my beliefs within and as my reactions to others when my beliefs are challenged, and within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I react defensively, like when I say 'it is just the way it is' etc., that is showing me that I am operating from a starting point of belief where I have not tested that point in common sense to see if it is something that stands on its on in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my emotional and feeling reactions are real, that they are who I really am, and within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that every time I react, either positive or negative, that I accepting and allowed myself to be directed by energy where I am activating a pre-programmed system that possesses me and controls me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'people cannot change. That I cannot change” because within this belief I justify my own resistance to change and to taking self-responsibility for standing up living self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I am bored or can be bored' when and as the emotional feeling as energy emerges within and as myself of boredom – because I see, realize, and understand that I myself created this pre-programmed energetic reaction of boredom that comes up in times of low distractions, where there is not many options available to distract me from myself being here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this belief that 'I am bored or can be bored', serves my self-interest in pursuing things, tasks, or material objects that create a positive energetic reaction within self so that I can feel good, happy, and satisfied with my experience of self, instead of living happy and satisfied as who I am in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living happiness and satisfaction as who I am in every breath, and then create the idea of 'I am bored' as a fear reaction and then turn this idea into a belief by charging it with emotional bodies and the justification that 'this is who I am', that 'I am this boredom' and 'I need to be relieved of this boredom.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the idea that 'I cannot stop myself from reacting' because within this believe I justify and make it 'right' that I don't have to stand up and that I fear standing up and taking self-responsibility to align myself of life, as the physical, in oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I need something more than myself, that the breath, than what is right here before me, and that I am not enough for myself.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in the idea that 'everyone needs someone in order to be happy' because that is what was told to me as a child and I accepted that belief without testing it within common sense within the physical within what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly believe that beliefs that exist within and as me with no self-awareness, and within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that beliefs come from past generations that I accepted as true and real without actually ever testing them.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that anything that I take to be real, or act upon as if it is real is a belief so long as I have not tested it in common sense, in the physical, and explored its outflow of consequence to see if it is best for all – and thus also I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that any and all beliefs that I hold and that direct me are only there through my acceptance and allowance through my own lack of self-awareness – showing me that I am not really here as life so long as beliefs exists within and as me.

Day 141 – Beliefs

I've been looking at beliefs lately and what constitutes a belief and if I really am still holding beliefs. I thought that I had given up all my beliefs a long time ago, but recently I have realized that I still hold all kinds of beliefs. In fact, the beliefs that I thought that I had given up, I just suppressed without really releasing them, so they are still here directing me and influencing my behavior. So, I thought I would spend some time here looking at beliefs.

The reason I thought that I had given up my beliefs is that I had given up all the 'big' ones, like god, and like uh, well, god. That's about it. I haven't looked at this closely enough to really see that the beliefs that I hold are way more extensive than just believing in a god or a religion. Beliefs are anything that we take for granted as the truth without actually looking at what it is we believe to see if these beliefs can stand in the physical. Many beliefs start out as ideas that can be identified within the point that they are supported with justifications or self-righteousness within one's mind. Another way to see if one is operating from a starting point of a belief is if one is defensiveness whenever this belief is challenged.

There is one belief that I would like to look at that I created from a starting point of a desire. I had a desire to relieve 'boredom', so I came up with the idea that 'If I walk around from room to room I can relieve this boredom by looking at the different qualities of each room and then comparing them', then I actually did this and felt relief from boredom. Then, that reinforced this idea to such an extent that it became a belief where I believed this idea to be true and real. But in reality, I was just playing games with myself to relieve a feeling that I myself created within my own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold beliefs without testing them in the physical to see if they really stand outside of the ideas, pictures, desires, justifications, and self-righteousness of my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what my parents told me and then try to repeat it and live it in my own life without testing what they tell me within common sense and the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my heritage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by beliefs instead of directing myself as the breath in common sense in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn an idea into a belief because I wanted it to be true because it filled my desire to have a certain energetic reaction within self, like feeling safe, or feeling excited, or feeling happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a god because believing in a god made me feel happy, and safe, and righteous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a god because it is my heritage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a god because my parents told me so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe in something / to make it real and true from a self-righteous perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify an idea that emerged within self and make self 'right' within this idea thus fueling this idea to become a belief that self holds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an idea and then turn it into a belief through self-justifications and self-righteousness that I had attached to the initial idea, and within this process attach 'emotional bodies' existent within the self-justifications and self-righteousness thoughts.

I forgive myself that for accepting and allowing myself to emotionally charge ideas to a point where I would 'believe it to be true' from the starting point that this belief supports me emotionally, as a mind-consciousness system – such as the belief in a god, or a believing that my country is the free-est country or the best country, or my product or service is the best product or service – because believing these things makes my feel good and safe and righteous / right therefore secure about who I am and my position and what it is that I have justified myself to do, be, and become within this system as it is.

To be continued...