In this case, I was here with myself watching myself go into
these reactions where I gave myself permission to go into these reactions almost
for no reason at all. It was more of an
impulse, like here I am, I have this event, and this event is a great excuse to
start reacting, let’s do this!
I suppose there is a whole personality system that was
activated that relates to this event or events like these, where part of me was
just itching to go into this personality as if it were pleasurable to do so to
a certain extent. I say this because
there was a sense of pleasure while going into this reaction in a certain way,
with in regards to the humor I used, the anger reaction- the totality of the
reaction event that lasted for like an hour was very specific and I like knew
how I was going to be before going into this, like a whole personality system
that I recognized and liked and was looking forward to going into.
I could have stopped myself. I was here watching myself, and I decided almost impulsively to
carry forward with the whole reaction sequence that activated. Like, I had no real internal dialog about
whether I should react, or breathe. I
just allowed myself to react. Why did I
do this?
So, yes, I am writing about that one moment, that moment
where I made the decision in a split second to go into reactions – where I
could have remained here and breathed, yet I did not.
Perhaps also, it’s because I had all this fear energy
building up and that reacting was a way to release this energy. Perhaps I was already reacting the whole
time, before I made the decision to go into the reaction / personality, and
then it became too much and at some point, I let it all out. So, like, I became overwhelmed by the
title-wave of emotions and fears that were already rolling through by the time
I was able to really see myself for what I was doing – and in that moment, I
surrendered to the forces within the belief that it was too much for me to stop
and then I just went into the energy of the tidal wave even more and lost
myself within it until the energy wore down.
So, why did I make the title of this post ‘Don’t Tread On
Me”? Well, I don’t really know
exactly. These words were just in my
head at the time of yesterday’s post, and it too was a bit of an impulse to
make this the title. Yet, that was also
based on a feeling / energy that I had at the time of the reaction. I was like defending ‘what’s mine’ within my
anger towards this customer. Like, I
perceived this customer, to be infringing on me to a certain extent. Like, he is going to cost me money because
of his problem with his picky-ness and lack of consideration for the bigger
picture; and as a result, I am the victim where I loose what I have a ‘right
to’, which is the money earned from the job, which pays for my way of life, and
the things I need. So, it’s like me
against him in a way, where he is using his bullshit to have his way, which
affects me, and thus I am standing up and saying ‘back-off fucker!’ Yet, I am really not standing up to him, I
am just doing this without his awareness / without expressing this to him. When I actually see this guy it is all
smiles and yes sir, ‘I will get that re-ordered for you.’ So, this makes me feel better and makes me
feel like I am standing up for myself when really, I am just reacting and
becoming emotional.
So, I will pick up again on my next post.
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