I am starting to see that I am either doing one of two things: breathing or reacting. I used to believe that reactions were limited to just the obvious, like reacting in anger towards someone. But now I see that the moment that I go into any form of desire, want, need, fear, resistance, a thought pattern, emotion, or feeling, etc., that I am thus reacting.
It is so interesting because I used to
think that it was only what can be seen on the outside that was
indicative of what is a reaction; but now I see that it is any moment
of loosing myself to the mind that is what constitutes a reaction.
This insight opens the playing field up
quite a bit. As before this realization, I would not consider
investigating all those seemingly 'small / insignificant' occurrences
/ reactions that I go into practically all day long, in my mind,
especially if I could 'contain' them and 'suppress' them. Then there
is also the point that I would believe these reactions to be me / who
I really am, and that only when I accept and allow them to manifest
to a point where my outward behavior was changed / obviously changed,
such as an outburst of anger, etc., that that was the point where a
reaction became my definition of a reaction.
For instance, I was at my
brother-in-laws house again the other day. And he offered pot. I
instantly went into all kinds of pictures / memories in my mind that
brought up all kinds of positive feelings associated with smoking pot
that then created a desire within and as me to smoke pot. This was
all going on behind the scenes, where no one could see. Normally, I
would see this 'reaction sequence' as 'who I really am. That I
really wanted to smoke pot as a natural expression.' But that is not
the case. What really happened there, was that I was reacting to the
word 'pot' and then the idea of smoking pot, because I have charged
this with positive feelings based on memories that I have associated
with it. This reaction drew me into my mind further and then I
became possessed by the idea of smoking pot. There was no outward
reaction here. There was not outburst of anger where I could say
that I was reactive based upon my outward actions. No, this was all
going on inside me, and I accepted and allowed myself to go through
this because I believed these reactions to be me, to be my natural
expression as if I really wanted to smoke pot as a physical being.
But that is not the case and this can be proven within one simple
test. The test is the breath. I could have chosen to simply stop my
thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires as pictures and of memories
that all existed in my mind, in that moment, as one big reaction /
sequence of reactions by simply stopping my participation in all of
that through breathing / directing my attention to myself here as the
breath. Because, through breathing I can see and prove physically,
that it is only in the mind, that I had the desire to smoke pot.
When one is here as the breath /
breathing, one has no desires, fears, ideas as pictures directing self
– one is simply here equal and one with all as self. Everything
else is a reaction.
Another interesting point that I am
seeing, is that this is how the mind uses the being to create energy
to sustain itself / its existence and ensnare the being in and as its
existence as a mind-consciousness system. You see, the mind offers
up a thought. The thought floats 'up' into one's awareness /
consciousness. The moment that one misses a breath and reacts to
this initial thought with more thoughts, feelings, emotions etc, one
is reacting and thus playing the energy game with and as the mind /
creating energy thus sustaining the mind's existence and then
enslaving self to the limitation of the mind.
This happens all the time. I can see
this quite well when driving, when I have a lot of quiet time to
myself. A thought will pop-up, and then I can either breathe and
stop the sequence of events to follow as reactions, or I can react
with more thoughts, personalities that are activated by the initial
thought, emotions, etc. And even when I breathe and stop the
reactions to the initial thought, there is another pop-up thought
that follows not to far behind.
I am starting to see this as a form of
fishing for the mind, where the mind is 'fishing' for the energy that
is created by the being reacting to the initial thought. Sometimes,
a thought will pop-up in one's mind that causes a whole sequence of
reactions that lead into outbursts or reactions in the physical.
This would be like catching a big fish at a fishing derby / a huge
score for the mind. LOL. But the mind is satisfied with even small
fish. Even one little reaction generates energy and makes the
fishing / pop-up thoughts worth it, for the mind.
So, the point to consider, to stop all
this, is to realize that nothing of the mind is real / nothing of the
mind is really who you are. What is real and 'who one really is', is
right 'here' in the physical that can only be seen in every moment of
breath. This is the real 'you' – everything in this existance in
its totality as it really physically exists. Thoughts are not who
you are, but mere reactions to what is actually here. Therefore, you
can consider any thought, desire, emotion, fear, feeling etc., no
matter how seemingly small, or insignificant, or innocent to be a
reaction of some-sort. So, stop reacting and feeding the mind and
your enslavement to the mind, and start breathing and no longer
believe yourself to be as limited as the thoughts that roll through
your mind.
Self Forgiveness to Follow.
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