Day 154 – Don’t Tread on Me, Part IV

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to go into the energy experience of reaction and reacting to customer x’s request that I had judged to be petty and superfluous.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I could not resist reacting’ because within this believe I have justified my reacting and thus being able to fulfill my desire to go into the personality system that sprang into action once I allowed it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel better about myself from an egoic perspective, like ‘I am really cool’ because I like my personality and the humor that comes out when this personality activates; within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I hear myself going into this personality as a reaction to customer x’s requests, participate in another back-chat where I am like saying to myself that ‘I am cool’ and that ‘I am funny’ and that ‘I have a cool way of handling things’ and then all this creates a feeling of superiority and thus I feel better about myself while in the midsts of participating in this reaction sequence / personality that springs forth in response to situations like this when and as I give myself permission.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to raise my voice and rant and rave for about an hour all to blow off ‘steam’.  And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify going into this reaction sequence / personality all to just blow off steam, as if I have to do so in order to bring myself back to normal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to raise my blood pressure and put further stress on my physical body so that it can support me to go into an energetic reaction sequence / personality that requires energy and the physical body to supply this energy and also expend this energy through the raising of its blood pressure and other mechanisms that do damage to the physical.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the physical for my own purpose, my own egoic desires and needs, and for my own pleasure in separation of the physical as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the entertainment of my mind wherein I am entertained by the various personalities and characters that spring forth in reaction to things in my world where I actually enjoy going into these personalities and characters as I have this self-talk / back chat that is going on in the background like Siskel and Ebert, the movie critics, critiquing my personalities and characters as if they are Hollywood productions which in turn causes me to feel good about myself or scared or concerned that maybe I did something wrong wherein I activate other personalities and characters in order to make myself feel better again, like an endless cycle, an endless Siskel and Ebert show.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire certain personalities and characters to spring forth into action because of my enjoyment and pleasure found when participating in them and within this, form an addiction to my mind and the energy and energetic relationships that I have with my mind and its various characters and personalities.

To be continued…