Day 157 – Resistance to the 4-Count Breath

I have a resistance to the 4-count breath.  I feel as if my brain is going to get cut-off from oxygen and I will get brain damage on the hold and release parts of the 4-count breath.  I also feel this way to a certain extent on the 4 count in-breath and the 4-count out breath because I keep thinking to myself ‘holy shit this is a long in or out breath and then I have to go another 4 counts before the next cycle – that is a total of 12 counts from in to pause to out and then start again!  I can’t wait that long!”  Then in the process of this I loose my resolve and then have trouble keeping this up for more than one full cycle or so.  I also feel antsy and anxious, like I don’t want to slow-down, as it’s just too uncomfortable to do so. 

The 4-count breath is used to slow one’s self down and watch the thoughts that pop-up in one’s mind so the one can see what’s going on up there in the mind.  This is an important tool of self-support, and it is time I use this consistently.  The 4-count breath is 4 counts in-breath, hold 4 counts, 4 counts out-breath, hold 4 counts, and then start again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought and idea that ‘I cannot go through the full cycle of the 4-count breath without suffocating or getting brain-damage.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting brain damage from the 4-count breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear of the 4-count breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear slowing down and being here within and as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to slowing down and being right here and breathing the 4-count breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically uncomfortable when I slow myself down with the 4-count breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my physical discomfort that I experience when I slow myself down with the 4-count breath is due to me grounding myself – being right here within and as the breath – of which I am uncomfortable with because I am used to the racing thoughts and distractions of my mind.  And thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid at all costs being right here within and as the breath within the practice of the 4-count breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the energy of the thoughts that pop-up while doing the 4-count breath –thus loosing myself to my mind and then sabotaging my intention to be here within and as the 4-count breath – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a resistance to slowing down with the 4-count breath by following all the thoughts that pop-up, instead of remaining here and watching / noting the thoughts as is the purpose of this exercise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to merge with the energy and then further energize my thoughts that pop-up thus creating racing thoughts within my mind that pull me out of the 4-count breath, instead of remaining here as the observer of my thoughts through this exercise as I practice the 4-count breath to see, note, and study my thoughts and my mind and also slow myself down.

When and as I see myself chasing after my thoughts, ideas, and fears associated with or that come up when doing the 4-count breath, I stop and I remain resolved to continue counting and breathing within this 4 count cycle, because I see, realize, and understand that I am here and that the physical body can definitely, practically, survive the 4-count breath cycle with no problem.  I realize that these thoughts that pop-up and fears of the 4-count breath are diversions to keep me from merging with my body and the breath, as my mind fears not existing and I fear not existing so long as I merge with my mind through merging with the thoughts and energies that are of the mind. 

Thus, I commit myself to remain here and breath through the 4-count breath and simply stop all thoughts, fears, emotions, feelings that come up in this process through directing my awareness to my breath and the cycle of the 4-count breath.