Day 44 – What is the Bid Deal with Writing?

Ok, so I have done a ton of self-forgivness on writing of which has actually been quite successful as I do not have much resistance to writing. In fact, I like writing, I look forward to writing, and every day I think of something that I need to write about with full intent to write about it. But I dont write it out. I do, however, practice verbal self-forgivness almost every day while driving and also breathing and also I pay attention to myself and make (mental) notes of all the areas that I still stand in separation from what is here.  

I drive for up to 3 hours a day because of my job, and so therefore, I practice verbal self-forgiveness quite extensively. I have been making progress even with this as I am basically talking myself out of all my 'faults' while driving around town (lol). The progress that I have made can be measured. It is real. But I still am not writing consistently, and I do realize that writing consistently is the only way to really transcend my mind as the verbal stuff is only so effective.

So, I know what I need to do, yet I dont do it. So, what gives? I am thinking that at this time, it is TIME. I was pushing for 6 hours of sleep per night – I even 'stole' someones else's self-forgiveness on this (lol) and after so many weeks I just began to be slightly tired all the time. Then, my DIP assignment was too difficult at the time for me to deal with and the combination of being tired from only sleeping 6 hours of sleep per night and also the magnitude of this process just busted my whole focus and I just 'collapsed' from all the 'pressure'. I stopped writing and went back to 8 hours of sleep per night.

I work long hours. I come home and have kids and household responsibilities to take care of. Sometimes, I work from when I wake up until I go to be late at night. Sometimes I do this for days on end. Unless I am sleeping 6 hours per night without any fatigue, I dont think I can do this and write consistently. The key is sleep. 

Yet, I have all these other issues that I would like to write about and I am afraid of addressing sleep because I dont 'believe' that I can really overcome this. So, I just dont know where to begin – should I start with sleep? Should I start with some other issues? Can I start writing about other issues if I cannot do it everyday because I often work almost THE WHOLE DAY? 

I also like to read about current affairs. I would like to write about these issues too, but I dont have time (lol). I also have started playing classical music again on the piano. I was once very serious about this years ago and have since forgotten about this until about a year ago. Now this is a rekindled passion of mine that I like to spent time on. Yet, maybe I should just write and not play so much. I dont watch TV but just a little. Probably a few hours per week. And outside of these hobbies, I am really just working or doing things I need to do at home.

So, thats where I am. I will pick up on this tomorrow (? lol, as if.)

Day 43 – Self Forgiveness on choosing the mind over the breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to my mind at that critical moment where I can either choose to breathe or choose to participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions because I enjoy thoughts, feelings, and emotions and am afraid of not living without them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of fear to living here without participating in thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to push through and experience what it is to live here as the breath rather than participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life would be lacking if I were to just remain here in and as the breath in every moment – especially the moment when I am ‘tempting myself’ to participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions and/or experiences that will generate thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life will be boring without participating in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the ‘power’ of my mind as it ‘seduces’ me with the energetic high of thinking, feeling, and emoting in those critical moments where I am aware that I am about to go into my mind and I chose to do so just because I ‘can’t resist’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘I cannot resist’ my mind and the experiences I can generate from participating in thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not follow through with the corrective application part of past self-forgiveness’s because in the moment that I am ‘tempting myself’ I give-in because I believe that I cannot resist and that my life would be lacking and boring if I were to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I give-in and participate yet again on past self-forgiveness’s that I time-loop and then rebuild the entire construct again in a slightly different way where then I need to write that point out again and then stop again – prolonging my process and making it that much harder.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time-loop on various topics because I just cannot resist.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the self-created belief that I cannot resist the energy of the mind and the experiences of the mind generated by thoughts, feelings, and emotions, pictures in my mind, and memories and future projections.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the self-created belief that I cannot live without the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I choose to participate in because I would otherwise be bored and ‘empty’ and then within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time-loop and create more systems and constructs to dismantle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have all the time in the world to stop my mind, when in fact I just have this one life and maybe a shot in the afterlife.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose my mind over breathing in those moments when thoughts, feelings, and emotions begin to come up and I have the awareness that I can stop, that I can breathe.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and justifications to participate in the mind rather than stop in the moment of making any excuses and justifications and just breathe.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not apply myself consistently enough to write out, in high detail, all the excuses and justifications that I create to go back into my mind/experience.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply stop and breath when the moment that the ‘I’m bored construct’ comes up because I have already written about this and already know it is bullshit and therefore now I just need to breathe.