Day 126 – SF on My Ego, continued

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the ego enjoys conflict, fighting, and arguments and thus will always attempt and try to get involved with such situations – to step forth and say 'here I am, come and try and fuck with me and I'll show you who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the rush of 'proving that I am right'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need the ego to be strong and powerful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by becoming the ego, by presenting a deceptive picture of myself to others of me being superior, will actually protect me, and get me what I desire in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being perceived as inferior.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the ego of my mind always desires and needs fighting, conflict, and arguments to generate and power itself within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the ego of the mind is generated and strengthened through anger, frustration, hatred, blame, and will / I will seek as the ego of my mind to get involved in situations to instigate such emotions within me to generate and strengthen my ego.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the ego is the echo of the mind, the lost part of me that I have separated myself from, becoming the demon within me existing off the generation and instigation of anger, frustration, and hatred.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the ego is the representation of the demon within me – the part of me that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from because I could not imagine such a 'thing' to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split me from myself within me, manifesting the demon as the ego of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that inferiority. Is actually: in fear and horror of me, of facing me, in fear and horror of facing the demon that I have become as the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the ego of the mind to manipulate situations to have it my way.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when the ego is 'bruised' the ego will want to fight and set the record straight through seeking revenge and more conflicts and arguments, to regenerate itself and feel superior again.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have manifested and designed this ego because I have not accepted myself and lived within and as oneness and equality as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover up and hide my since of inferiority and uncertainty with ego as superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as smart and smarter than others and in this desire I have manifested the ego because I believed myself to be less intelligent than most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being dumb.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that dumbness exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the polarity friction game of the mind by becoming superior and hiding inferiority and uncertainty within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the ego of the mind exists of suppressed anger within me, which has manifested as the ego of the mind, the demon that I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress anger within me and thus manifest myself as the ego of the mind in which I exert out and express out on other beings within various situations separate from me here – instead of applying self forgiveness on my anger thus releasing it instead of suppressing it and then aligning myself within oneness and equality instead of within and as the ego.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I will instigate situations and scenarios deliberately to exert the suppressed anger within me out on others separate from me and thus becoming the ego of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have used the ego of the mind to get attention and to be noticed by others and scene as together, and smart, and on top of things because I haven't accepted myself as who I am within and as oneness and equality, within who I am here within each and every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the ego of the mind in justifying my actions, reactions and responses.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I derive power from the ego of the mind to have control of a situation to have it go my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in becoming the ego of my mind, I am just one of the guys and that I will attract women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ego of my mind by defining myself as superior within the point of how attractive a woman I can 'get' as compared to what I see others doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ego of my mind by competing with others and other men in regards to seeing how much money I can make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ego of the mind to 'fit in' with the society of men – because as a man I must have an ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to establish myself as the ego of the mind because I believed that for a man to be successful in this world a man needs an ego to protect himself with and also to exert his superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the ego of the mind to ensure that no-one can hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having an ego is being strong and powerful – a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control my world within my exertion of myself as the ego of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ego of the mind through fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the losing of me and who I have defined myself as within superiority when others label me or call me out as something inferior, and then react within and as the ego of the mind to re-assert myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that superiority cannot exist without inferiority and that both polarities are of the mind and are illusionary manifestations of the mind that exist as a consequence of what I have defined myself as, within who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ego of the mind to be accepted and noticed by others and by women because I haven't accepted myself as how I am as the breath of life as oneness and equality and as one with and as everything that I see acceptance from.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that impatience is a trait of the ego because ego wants it now.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that women like and want a man with an ego, presenting a deceptive presentation of superiority and confidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ego of my mind to attract women for sexual pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define the ego as confidence because I haven't accepted confidence as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as the ego of the mind to get what I want and desire from others as if I am not that already, in separation of myself here, thus creating an energetic experience of myself that is not real and not sustainable.

Day 125 – SF on My Ego, continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the ego of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that defining myself is of ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the ego of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am not the limited self-definitions that I have defined myself as, as my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and limit myself within statements that start with 'I am'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my 'I am' statements are of me and who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the ego of the mind to define myself as to hide the insecurities, fears, and inferiority that I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the ego of the mind is the polarity manifestation of the mind as superiority to hide and cover the inferiority and insecurity I actually experience inside myself but do not want anyone to see or notice through fear that they may judge me if they were to see me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I fear others judging me as inferior, I am already judging myself as inferior and then projecting my own self judgment onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ego of the mind through my own self-judgments, fears, inferiorities, and self-definitions all of which are reactions to how I interpret my environment so that I can protect myself and hide from myself – and all of which I believe are real when in-fact are only of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a deceptive presentation of myself as the ego of the mind, through presenting myself as being superior, so others may think and believe that I am more than I am, more then I really believe myself to be, and that I have not fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I fear what others think of me, this is so because of my own self-judgments, my own backchat and internal dialog / conversations that I project onto others as if this is what 'they think' – when it is really me fucking with myself all along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others may think of me as less than, and inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stupid and then fear that others will judge / are judging me as stupid / inferior – and within this I forgive myself I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself as 'smart' within the point of being superior / smarter than others so that I can hide my own inferiorities within and as my ego manifestation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ego of the mind because it is the only way I know to present myself as strong and as a man – to show everyone else in my world that I am a strong, intelligent, capable, man.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the ego of the mind will seek revenge, seek fights, seek conflict to reassert and generate and compound itself within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I see to prove my point – this is my ego trying to reassert itself and strengthen itself within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that trying to prove that I am right / and possessing the need to be 'right' – this desire is coming from me as the ego of my mind within the need to strengthen / re-assert my ego / me as an ego, because of the inferiority experienced as a result of my backchat / internal conversations that I might be wrong or that others might think that I am wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others might think that I am wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this fear of being wrong is of the ego and the desire / need to assert myself as 'right' serves to strengthen my ego / me as an ego.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that participation in the ego and as the ego is addictive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the energy generated through my participation in the ego.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to copy the ego manifestation from father, because I saw my father as the example of me, whom I idolized and wanted to be just like, thus I became the ego to become my father so he may be proud of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ego of the mind, to use the ego of the mind as a defense and protection of myself through becoming the presentation of 'superiority' so as to hide my own insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of pleasure, a sense of satisfaction, and a sense of power when acting within and as the ego of the mind as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel powerful.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to desire to feel powerful is to desire to have a positive energetic experience of myself to balance out a negative emotional condition that I am existing within and as – all of which is separation of me here, within and as the energy of my own mind and my own ego experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so foolish as to believe that I can get what I want within and as the ego of my mind within the point that to desire anything is the result of self-separation from that very point of desire as if it is not me already.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not the ego of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the ego of the mind enjoys conflict, fighting, and arguments and thus will always attempt to get involved within such situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bored which then manifests a 'negative' energetic / emotional experience of self, that I then want to 'balance out' within the point of finding arguments and confrontations to go into to get that exciting 'rush' of energy, which charges up my ego – and within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I simply remain 'here' and breathe, stopping all my backchat and internal dialog of which I define myself through thus creating my positive and negative experiences of myself that bounce me around like a ping-pong ball, that if I stop this and just breath – that I will manifest myself as oneness and equality, stopping all of this bullshit.

Day 124 – Self-forgiveness on My Existence as an Ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an ego, which is who I believe myself to be and who I have defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my ego includes all my personalities which are activated as reactions to my environment and social settings, which include my behaviors, how I carry myself, the words that I speak, my tonalities – all of everything that I exist as / present myself as, is my ego.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that all the different ways that I present myself have become the different 'me's' as my different personalities of ego – where I completely become a different personality dependent on where and with whom I am interacting.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I design my ego according to interpreting other beings' behaviors and making conclusions about 'who I am' based on those interpretations.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that since everything of me exists as ego, then everything topic of self-forgiveness is, in-fact, the topic of my ego.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the ego is a 'part of self' that self has created and designed, so within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I try to stop my ego as if it is separate from me, I am actually, within that point of separation, feeding the ego and perpetuating the ego - because I am 'moving myself to there / suppressing myself as the ego', thus, moving myself into the design or manifestation of the ego which acts to perpetuate the ego.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if the Ego exists, then I exist as the Ego and it is not about me changing the Ego as a separate manifested design or system – it is about me actually changing myself as the ego that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that we/I've currently exist AS the ego, being but one design of the entire Mind-manifestations, yet I've/we've designed the ego as a separate-manifested projection of self, and that ego exists within the mind-head region wherein we've created this entire mind-manifested reality of beliefs, interpretations, perceptions, ideas or ourselves / of myself – so the ego contains all that; and we / I exist within this definition of myself as Ego which is not the actuality of who I am here – it is simply a projection.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the ego is all my beliefs, ideas, interpretations, projections, definitions, feelings, emotions, judgments, fears, desires – everything of self that self experiences self to be, but is not real – it's not actual, it's not factual, it's not a livable equal and one expression of who I am - its simply a concoction of literal projected interpretations.

Day 123 – Self-forgiveness on My Three Minds, Continued

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that everything that I physically see, in my reality, and my experience within what I've seen, is saved within my subconscious mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that all my senses send electrical waves through my entire human physical body and those waves are captured and saved within the unconscious mind design.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within the sensations of my five senses, as the electricity flows though my physical body, creates a picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I see is an illusion and that 'this reality is not real'. And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that what I touch, here, in this physical reality is real, yet what I experience withing myself – this is the illusion.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to believe that this reality is an illusion is basically trying to find a way to hide from the consequential experiences that I know I must face because of my participation within my inner experience, within and as the illusion which is created by my participation in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the subconscious mind plays an important role in having me maintain my illusion inside myself as according to what I experience – in that the subconscious mind makes what I experience inside of myself seem real.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the subconscious minds role is the make me thing that what is here as what I touch is not real, but what I experience inside myself is real – when its actually the other way around.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that everything that I experience inside myself – any movement, any thought, any reaction – that there's a story behind it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the deception that all that exists inside me is only what I experience in the moment – and that there is nothing behind my thoughts, feelings, and emotions that come up.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that even if I participate in one thought or one reaction – everything of my entire mind activates – and so I become 'lost' within the overwhelmingness of what the subconscious, conscious, and unconscious mind represent.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the world wouldn't be what it is and human beings would not experience themselves as they are if the unconscious mind didn't exist, which is manifesting and creating the unified consciousness field.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself the see, realize, and understand that that which connects and interconnects human beings is the unconscious mind, and because of this interconnectedness manifests the unified consciousness field.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the unified consciousness field is what we as human beings collectively, holographically project and create because of the connection and interconnectedness of our unconscious minds, as one, together.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that every human being, including me, is responsible for everything that is happening in our entire world within the point that if one participates in even one thought, in the conscious mind, one is therefore busy charging the unconscious mind which uploads the energy of one's thoughts, feelings, and emotions, into the unified consciousness field and then into other beings, thought the interconnectedness of the unconscious mind, which these other beings then act out the polarity equations of one's thoughts giving everything the right to exist in this world, even rape, murder, war, everything.

Day 122 – Self Forgiveness on My 3 Minds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the mind, as a mind-consciousness system placement within the unified field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself split myself into 3 minds, the conscious mind, the subconscious mind, and the unconscious mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that because I have split myself into three minds, I have the experience of 'not knowing where my thoughts, feelings, and emotions' come from. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself believe my thoughts, feelings, and emotions to be me / who I am / of me, when in fact, my thoughts, feelings, and emotions originate from my subconscious and unconscious minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my 'personality' is unique and individual when in fact, it is only my own 'unique' tailoring of the downloaded personality traits from my parents going back 10 generations based on my personal life experience.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my personality traits are downloaded from my parents going back 10 generations into my subconscious mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my conscious mind derives its thoughts from my subconscious, which contains the downloaded information from my parents and also from the unconscious mind, and because I don't realize this I believe that my thoughts are authentic and that they are me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are me, are who I really am, when in fact they are derived from downloaded information from my parents / family tree and also the unified consciousness field / unconscious mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the unconscious mind is that which connects and interconnects all of humanity / all human beings.

And within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that because of the unconscious minds connection and interconnectedness that this manifests the unified consciousness field wherein I with all human beings, collectively, holographically project and create this reality as is, together, as one.

And thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this word is real, in the sense that what is here exists independent of me / of my thoughts, and that whatever I am experiencing is real, that whatever is going on in my mind is real, that who I am is real because of my /our mutual experience of this holographic reality as real, as confirmation of this.

And thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that because of the interconnectedness of the unified field which is the unconscious, which I exist as, I am therefore individually responsible for what is happening in this entire world – including starvation, poverty, rape, murder, war, violence, governments, rules, laws, money, fraud, famine, everything

Day 121 – Angry again Part II - SF on Anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'set-off' into an outburst of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'set-off' into an outburst of anger when I saw my nephew in his 'pouting-pose', eyeballing me from the corner of his eye, as if he were hiding and as if he were up to something mischievous' from across room while his mother confronted me about a plane that I did not break. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as a trigger-point to go into a fit of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this situation in anger because of memories and judgments that were already existing within and as me of my nephew and his parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger at this situation because of memories of my nephew manipulating others, especially his parents, into getting what he wants. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself 'no, not this time, this kid is not going to do this to me!” and then react in anger as a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anger is a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control others through anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my mind within the point that my mind brought up memories of which I had judged my nephew as spoiled and manipulative and then 'held' this against him in this current moment wherein I then reacted in anger from the point that I believed that I 'could not control' myself in that moment, more specifically, I believed that 'I could not allow this kid to get away with this again'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'my nephew can't get away with this again!' and then connect that thought to the emotional reactions of fear and anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the thought that 'my nephew was trying to manipulate me, and blame me for something that I did not do, and that he cannot get away with this again like how his parents always allow him to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger because I feared being manipulated and blamed for breaking my nephews plane.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger because I could not 'control' myself as a result of my mind was racing with thoughts and memories and judgments towards my nephew and his parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be captured by my mind within and as reacting with a race of thoughts, memories, and emotions that were triggered to come-up when my sister-in-law started asking questions about my nephews plane and then even more so when I saw my nephew in his 'pouting-pose'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself reacting, yet accept and allow myself to continue reacting anyway believing that I cannot stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the past through reacting to this situation based on memories that I have not sorted out and forgiven so that I can live 'here' as the breath in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold memories of the past within and as me / as my mind, and then react to things and people in my environment because I have attached positive and negative values to these memories, instead of simply having memories exist within me within equality and oneness of no positive and negative value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress anger towards my sister and brother-in-law for 'spoiling' their son, my nephew, and then within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then react in an outburst of anger when the 'spoiling' of their son starts to affect me within the point of being blamed for breaking his plane.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that when I experience anger, I am really angry at myself because I have not been honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that becoming angry at something or someone is a flag-point to show me that anger exists within me because I have not been self-honest with myself and have been suppressing this anger which then resonates and expresses in different ways within my world.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that because I had this outburst of anger event, there exists suppressed anger within me due to my not being self-honest in certain points within and as my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and go into an emotional reaction of anger, instead of breathing and stopping myself right 'here' in the very moment, because I believed that I could not and that I 'should' not stop myself because of all the thoughts racing in my head at once and one particular thought in which I feared 'allowing my nephew to get away with this blame game'.

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of anger I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to react in anger for any reason at all. I see, realize, and understand that I do not have to follow or believe my thoughts. I realize and understand that my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are not me. Instead of reacting in anger, I slow myself down through breathing. I pause and breathe without speaking until I am clear, and then I respond to the situation with the appropriate words and actions that fit the situation within what is most practical and best for all.

And thus I commit myself to stopping my fits of anger through breathing and stopping my thoughts, and emotions that come up as reactions to certain events that lead me into an outburst of anger.

I commit myself to asking myself 'Why and I angry', 'Where did this anger start? Which points in my world have I not been honest with me?”

Day 120 - Angry Again

Wow, just last night I had another outburst of anger. This time at my nephew, of all people. I was at his house picking up my boys from a sleep-over to go home. Everything was cool. I was hanging out with everyone there enjoying myself totally calm. 

Earlier in my visit, I was pretend-flying my nephew's Lego plane around in the air – remembering what it was like when I was his age – remembering how much fun I had pretend-flying the planes around making the sound effects and all. I was even making the sound effects last night while flying his plane around. I was remembering who I was and what is was like as a kid and wondering and reflecting on how being a kid is such a 'different' experience than that of an adult. I was having some fun flying pretend-flying this plane around.

Eventually my nephew started wanting his plane-back. I notice this interesting point with kids, in that they can have these toys that they don't even look at for the longest time, but if you take interest in these toys, all the sudden the kids take interest in them too. So, now all the sudden my nephew wants his plane back. I was a little annoyed by this, but with no resistance, I gave it back to him.

When I gave it back to him, the back wheels of the plane came off. This is one piece that can easily be re-attached. I offered to do this for him, but he just wanted me to hand him the plane and the landing gear and he would re-attach them. So, it to him. He then set everything on his dresser and started putting it together.

Within moments another piece of the plane broke off. The piece fell onto the floor somewhere and I noticed him looking for it. I honestly can't remember if I offered to help him at this point. I feel like I did, but don't have a distinct memory of this that is coming up. Nevertheless, while my nephew was still putting his plane back together, eventually I left his room and went onto other things.

A while later, it was time to go. I was rounding up my two boys, saying my goodbyes, when all of the sudden my nephews mother comes up to me and asks something like 'Josh do you know anything about his plane? Did the plane break or something?” When she asked this, I noticed my newphew in that pouting pose he does off across the room, with his back mostly facing me and kind of eyeballing me without actually looking at me.

This set me off. All of the sudden I had these thoughts like 'What the fuck!' I can't believe this! Except for the landing gear, which is just one piece, I handed his plane-back to him in perfect condition and he knows it! He broke his plane himself while trying to fix it which he insisted on doing himself and now he's blaming me!' And then I have these judgments towards him as somewhat of a spoiled-brat because of other behaviors and also judgments towards his parents for spoiling him that activated other thoughts like 'I can't let him get away with this. Not this time. He can't blame me. His parent's are making him like this.'

So, while all these thoughts are racing through my head, I just like lost track of even where I was and responded aggressively 'Nothing's wrong with the plane. That's a load of crap!'. Then his mother repeated 'look I'm not trying to point fingers, I just want to know what happened. But I was already caught in the emotion of anger within the point of fear that I cannot allow this 'kid' to get away with this bullshit, so I repeated even louder 'That's a load of crap!'.

At this my nephew ran into his room and stared crying. This pissed me off even more because I have seen him act this way too in order to manipulate others, especially his parents. And I have seen him get his way with this behavior. But I thought to myself 'oh not this time, not with me!' So, I then pointed my voice right into his room and repeated again even louder 'that's a load of crap!'. At this I heard him burst into tears, and then I rounded my kids up and within moments walked out the front door leaving the house in a bit of a rage.

Wow, I can't even believe that I wrote that. I got that angry in response to an 8 year old kid? Really? In fact, I am embarrassed and even apprehensive to even write about this, but I must as there is really no other way to get through this kind of bullshit. In fact, anger is a cool point because it is a flag-point to show where and that I have some suppressed bullshit somewhere that I am not addressing.

So, that's all that I have time for to write today. I will pick up on this topic and the general topic of anger tomorrow looking at anger as a flap-point showing me that I haven't been self-honest with myself and then suppressing this self-dishonesty until I have an outburst of anger.

Day 119 – Just Enjoy Life

People have said to me before “Just Enjoy Life” within the point that they are looking at me and judging that I do not 'enjoy' life because of my 'positions' on things and my 'seriousness' about the reality that we live in here in this physical world. 

So, obviously within this statement of 'just enjoy life' what one is really saying is 'just ignore everything that you don't like within this physical reality so that you can have a positive experience of yourself within your own limited perception of yourself as separate from everything that is here'. Another point within this statement is: 'Just ignore everything that doesn't directly affect you so that you can have / experience the good life to your fullest potential'. And yet another point is 'because your are spending time investigating and exposing all the so-called negative within this reality, then you must not be enjoying life!”

Oh, how we have fallen to the absolute depths of depravity in this world the way it exists today! Really? What are we not considering within the statement 'just enjoy life'. Well, let's have a look:

One, no one can 'just enjoy life without money'. Yes that's correct. I mean, most would not think this consciously, but at some level everyone in-fact already realizes this. I mean, would you say to someone living on less that $2 per day 'just enjoy life'! Would you? Really? Think about this. I mean, how would someone living on less than $2 per day 'just enjoy life'? And do you, dear reader, know how many people are living on less than $2 per day in this world? Like, ½ the population. That's right. Do you research. Oh, but doing research on this is too depressing and 'negative', right? Now, no one would ever tell someone living on less than $2 per day to just enjoy life because that would be ridiculous and even insulting and down right cruel, but when one has money then this is normal and customary to tell someone. So, think about that one for a while.

Two, to tell someone to 'Just Enjoy Life' is to make a judgment that that someone is not experiencing the emotions and feelings of 'enjoyment' and 'dissatisfaction' of their lives. Like, they are trapped in the negative and then you are trying to help them get back in the positive / enjoyment of life. Well, dear reader, this too is a trap. See, I live here, in every moment as the breath, as enjoyment as how I am. I don't need to be in the positive feeling experience of 'enjoying life' which is only something one needs when they are suppressing the 'negative' experience of 'dissatisfaction' with life. And believe me, the two go together – the positive and the negative are in-separable.

So, until all people can equally enjoy life within the point of having access to money, then my commitment to myself and all that is here is to do everything that I can do to change myself and change this physical reality into one that cares for all equally. That is the only honorable and noble choice one really has or has ever had. And while I do this, I live enjoyment as who I am in every breath that I take, because to live enjoyment as who I am in every breath, regardless of my 'positive' or 'negative' life experiences, is the way to bring about a world that is best for all where everyone can do the same. So, I suggest you to learn to live enjoyment as who you are, and when you do so, you may realize that you never have the need to tell someone to 'just enjoy life' because you are already living it as yourself. Chew on that, dear reader.

Day 118 – SF on Regret

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not speaking-up for myself as a child and young adult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not speaking-up for myself in my current life experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not living life to the 'fullest' because I was too 'shy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having a better relationship to my father before he passed away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the fact that I suppressed myself within and as my 'shyness' instead of me living / expressing me in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I was too nervous and anxious to speak-up for myself and get what I 'wanted' while growing up and as a young adult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not getting the girls that I wanted because I thought that I was too stupid and boring to talk to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not being as 'cool' as I could have been because I thought / perceived myself to be too stupid and too boring to talk to and thus suppressed myself and within suppressing myself I took myself out of the 'game'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and then go into fear reactions of self-suppression because within comparing myself to others I judged myself as stupid / inferior and boring / un-stimulating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my childhood and young adult life within the self-judgments that I am stupid and boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself judge myself as boring and not fun to talk to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the self-consumed / self-centered point of being concerned with what others think / perceive of me. And within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live as me here in every breath as one and equal with all beings as self – with no concern fear for what others think / perceive of me outside of the very words that I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life within believing that I have to entertain others with my words; and thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this is the starting point of the self-judgment that 'I am boring'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in competition with my intelligence because of the self-judgment that 'I am stupid'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and then go into suppression and hiding from others because of my own self-judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my adolescence to early adulthood with the opinion that I am 'less than' / 'unworthy' to others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this point of inferiority placed my into a point of competition wherein I later-in-my life began to compete / design myself within the point of presenting myself as smarter-than and fun and exciting to be around.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that in accepting and allowing regret to become me, I exist as regret and am bound to the past – carrying the burden of the past with and as me and in this becoming the past in the present, creating my future based on the past as the past which I have become and so forever continuing my existence of the past as the past in regret – not allowing me to live here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in things that remind me of the past so that I can feel like I felt in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret moments where I didn't allow myself to speak-up and be heard, but instead held myself back in and as self-suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the moments wherein I didn't speak or say what was here in self-honesty and common sense in the moment, but instead gave into fear and anxiety and when it was too late, sadness and nostalgia consumed me because I didn’t accept and allow me to be self-honest with me myself here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this longing for the past, this nostalgia is a result of the regret that I hold for the past.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this subtle sadness that I carry with me for the past is a result / connected to the regret that I hold for the past.

I forgive myself that I not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the reason why I did not speak-up for myself was that I feared losing my friends and social experiences that I desired. And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to manipulate others with my silence / self-suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having lived a childhood through young adulthood within the point of extreme shyness and self-suppression and even within the point of trying to get what I want / manipulate others with my quietness. And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live regret and nostalgia as me for the past because I did not get what I 'wanted' and therefore desire to go back and get want I wanted with my new 'personality' now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself react in fear and anxiety towards social situations and then hold back, close myself up and suppress myself as thought I wanted to 'vanish' and 'disappear'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself believe / perceive that there is 'unfinished business' within and as my past because I did not express myself to the 'fullest' and did not get what I 'wanted' and did not stand-up for myself in social situations and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the point of regret and then missing / longing for the past – to experience it again so that I can get what I want because of who I am now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself and punish myself within and as the point of regret and wanting / desiring to relive the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an energetic relationship with the past within and as the emotional experiences of regret, nostalgia, longing and missing the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize every moment to the fullest potential.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that 'I am here' and that I make a difference where I am right now; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to make a difference within that which is not existing anymore, which is already gone, which is already past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'pity' myself for suppressing myself within shyness / not speaking up for myself in my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself for what I could have done / lived different during those years.

When and as I see myself missing the past / longing for the past I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that there is nothing I can do about it now.

And thus, I commit myself to stop the thoughts, memories, stop fueling and feeding my mind consciousness system’s self-experiential self-interest, to stop feeding my own self-victimization.

I commit myself to push myself to live here in actual psychical reality within what's real – here – where my impact is made on and within every moment that I participate in this reality.

I forgive myself to flag the points wherein I fear taking responsibility, speaking, expressing and being self-directive so that I don't manifest myself within and as the energetic experience of regret, longing, and sadness going forward.

I commit myself to stop living in the past, be here, make a change where you really can make a change in your actual practical living.

Day 117 – Regret Continued / Stuck in the Past

Ok, so I was listening to an interview by Sunette titled 'Regret It's Too Late' and a very interesting point she brought up basically clarified what I wrote about yesterday:

“Now –that experience of ‘longing’ as ‘missing’ that you’re experiencing, actually originates from a point of regret. The point of regret is then cloaked or veiled with this energetic experience of ‘longing’ or ‘missing’.”

I find this an amazing statement because on yesterday's post I mentioned how I have this 'nostalgia' for the past, particularly my late childhood through early adult years, to go back to it, to re-live it, as if I miss it even. I mentioned how I had a 'nostalgia' as well as a regret about the past, but I did not realize at the time I wrote that that the nostalgia is a result of the regret I hold. This is pretty cool.

Then Sunette went on to say the following:

“What regret manifests, in relation to your physical experience in your beingness, is like ‘holes’ in your experience, wherein these ‘holes’ create the experiential idea, perception, and belief that you are ‘incomplete’ and ‘unfulfilled’. That ‘incompleteness’ and ‘unfulfillment’ creates then an idea, perception, or belief of ‘lack’. That ‘lack’ then manifests as the experience of sadness, where you think or believe that your ‘unfulfillment’ or ‘emptiness’ or ‘holes’ within yourself is then related to or towards this something or someone that has passed away or has died”

Yep, this is me to the tee. I have this exact experience within myself towards those years from late childhood through early adulthood. These years I went into an extreme shyness. I never stood-up to speak my mind to say how I felt. I want to / desire to relive the past to recreate it even in my present moment wherein I strive to make my current environment resemble / feel like the past / like that specific time period in my life. I have a 'sadness' about the past too. This is so interesting.

I also am nostalgic / regretful about the time when I grew up in my house on Van Ness. This is even earlier in my life. During this time, within and as my memory of this time, I had the 'best time' of my life. Best as defined in a way wherein it was the most 'magical', the most 'ideal' – I have found memories of this time. This was the time when I was a young child and had all of my brothers living with me. I had 3 adopted brothers that were older. They lived with me off and on. I had my father and my mother both living together with me in that house. I went to a 'gifted and talented' school for 7th and 8th grade during those years. I have found memories of this time too. I had lots of friends. There were good times, lots of pool parties and birthdays. I was taking piano lessons and was in jazz band. My father was a successful attorney. My house was big. I was proud of my house. We had a huge yard, lots of cool trees, a pond and a pool, 5 bedrooms, a huge living room, etc. I had lots of fun events at my house, my parents would through cool parties. I was popular at school – yet still had the seeds of this extreme shyness that I would experience later on – as I had lots of moments were I would be afraid to speak / speak-up for myself.

Then my parents got divorced. My mom and dad lived in different homes. My best friend got held back a year because he was 'too im-mature'. I went to high-school all alone. I guess I was in shock and then went into a shyness. Then, shortly later my mother took my younger brother and I (her natural kids) and moved to New Orleans LA leaving the rest of my family behind in Fresno CA. Then for like, 10 or 12 years, I became super shy, had few friends, and only memories of my past as my life experience completely changed from this point on.

Day 116 – Looking at the Point of Regret

In this writing I am looking at the point of regret. I have a lot of what I call 'nostalgia' for the past, specifically my late childhood, adolescence and early adulthood. Starting when I was a child, I very shy. I hardly spoke. I hardly made myself heard. This condition got even worse while in college. Around the age of 28 I started to come around, and by the time I was in my early 30s, I had gotten over this shyness, for the most part. Yet, I still have anxiety when speaking with certain people of which I think is still basically remnants of the same shyness I had. As a result, there are a lot of things that I did not do, and did not say that I could have or should have. I remember always carrying this fear of being seen as stupid or boring so much so that I just couldn't even say anything at all while in social situations, except with close friends of which I had very few.

So, I have a lot of nostalgia for the past. This is strange because the past was difficult for me, yet I have these longings for it. Or these longings to recreate the past in a way by making my current reality similar to the past. So, is this nostalgia really a form of regret? I mean, I look back and think to myself 'how was I so quiet and shy back then when this is not me now?”, and 'if I could only go back in time, and be who I am now, how would my present be now? Would I have a better job?”. Yet, I also have this idea, at the same time, that the past was 'better' than my experience of myself now, in some ways.

So there is a point of desiring to go back and just simply live in the past before life got so 'difficult' when I had more support from parents and did not have to face myself within all the 'responsibilities' of adulthood. Like, I feel like I so much more 'freedom' back then when all I had to do was basic chores, or while in college just get a night job, and then I had the rest of my time to do what I 'wanted' and there was not so much financial pressure, yet I didn't do what I wanted because I was to shy / suppressed to actually express myself the way the I wanted.

And also the point of desiring to go back and relive the past exists within the point that I am so much more 'together' now, and have self-confidence, etc, and if I could only be who I am now in the past, then I would have had so much more fun and I would have set myself up to get such a better job because I understand the 'system' now and human nature and all that.

So, I will pick up on this on the next post.

Day 115 – Nervousness and Anxiety when Talking to Customers

I noticed yesterday that when talking to a certain builder I became nervous and anxious. Towards the end of our conversation I began to talk fast because I was thinking that maybe he was annoyed at the time it took to have our conversation. I was afraid that maybe he would be annoyed with me and then not do business with me after all. This builder is my age and also has had a hit record album, years back, and now builds high-end homes. He lives in a huge castle-looking home, himself as well, so I tend to look at him as 'superior' to me, or at least I 'feel' inferior' to him. So, when talking to him I noticed I was experiencing nervousness and anxiety. I also notice that often times I have a bit of nervousness and anxiety in me when making business presentations with most of my customers because of an underlying fear that maybe they won't do business with me and also hope that they will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get nervous and anxious when presenting my work or discussing my product / offering to a potential customer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get nervous and anxious making business presentations to potential customer's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get nervous and anxious while making a business presentation to this specific builder that I have feelings of inferiority towards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be nervous while making a business presentation to someone that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as 'superior' to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety while waiting to see if someone accepts my business offers / proposals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety the moment that I allow myself to not trust myself 'here' in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety when not knowing 'how to handle' things instead of trusting myself 'here' as myself in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in 'how well I present myself and in someone else accepted me' rather than placing my trust in me in every moment of breath, 'here'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace my trust in the 'hope' that someone else will accept me so that I can have what I want / need.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become anxious and nervous due to fear of the future / fear of not having business proposals accepted and therefor fear of having no money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'the future' to fear – and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of 'how things might be' so that I feel like I have control over the future, because I fear the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine and rehears the potential outcome of events over and over again in my mind, so that I feel like I have control over the future, because I fear the future and I fear the potential loss of money, specifically, which may occure in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with this specific builder and then see myself as 'inferior' to him, and then as a result go into nervous and anxiety when speaking with him.

When and as I see myself going into nervousness and anxiety when with customers of anyone, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into nervousness and anxiety over anything because I see, realize, and understand that this emotional experience serves no purpose and is a result of misplaced trust, hope, expectation, and fear of the future and inferiority.

And thus, I commit myself to stopping my participation in the emotion of anxiety and nervousness and flagging points that I have this experience within myself so that I can further investigate why it is I am experiencing nervousness and anxiety, so that I can release myself from it.

Day 114 - Time

I tend to get really stressed out and nervous about my time and how much time I have to do things and get things done. If I feel my time is being abused by another, I get angry and frustrated. I go into feeling that my time is being abused when really, in fact, I have wasted my time leading up to the event that / wherein I feel my time is being abused by another. So, I am really frustrated with myself. Within all this, I allow excuses and justification within my mind to allow an outburst of anger. I also have a nervousness and an impatience that I carry with me as if I don't have enough time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a race against time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be governed by time in that I will go into emotional / energetic mind-possession of fear, anxiety, impatience, frustration, and even anger based upon how much time that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry nervousness and impatience around with me throughout my day as I rush against time and how much time that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place time before self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be worried / concerned about time and how much time that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be nervous and anxious and stressed about how much time that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be nervous and anxious and stressed as a way to ensure that I will get things done in the amount of time that I have.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I live within the negative / emotional charge / experience of nervousness, stress, and anxiety that I will eventually need to balance the equation within wasting more time doing things that I have charged with positive feeling experience and that I have defined as stress relieving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bounce around like a pin-ball in a pin-ball machine within emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have emotional reactions to time and now much time that I have.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I compound and build negative / emotional charges overtime within my continuous reactions to time, that eventually this will build to a point of an outburst of anger towards someone or something that I perceive to be 'abusing' / wasting my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from time by placing time outside of me within the point of always being in a race against time.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am time, that time is me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to here in every breath regardless of how much time that I have to get something done.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I waste time because I have accepted and allowed various mind-possessions to take over, I create a condition of lack of self-trust, where I don't trust myself to be able to get things done, and then this lack of self-trust is then filled with the emotions of impatience, frustration, and anger, which I project onto others within blaming them for not having enough time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time by being lazy or inefficient within the tasks that need to be done, and then to become worried and anxious about having enough time to get things done. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself to be in a position of not having enough time which builds an energetic fear reaction to the point that I have an outburst of anger – like a cork blowing off the top of a bottle.

I realize that my anger and frustration at others who impose / waste / or abuse my time is really anger at myself for wasting my own time.

I realize that time is simply a measure / a tool to be used to estimate / judge what can be done

I realize that within reacting to time and how much time that I have, that I am separating myself from time and therefore energizing / charging myself experience of myself within the polarity of emotions and feelings.

And thus, I commit myself to breathing and remaining here, placing time as me, wherein simply judge / estimate and then commit myself to doing what I can within the amount of time that I have, and then doing it and stopping all resistance to getting things done by breathing and stopping thoughts before they compound to a point where I become mind possessed and then fail to fall through with my commitments.

Day 113 - Knowledge Addiction

I get an energetic charge from acquiring knowledge and information. It makes me feel good to go through the process of acquiring knowledge and information. That is how I found Desteni. I was searching for the 'answers'. I was already ready everything I could find before Desteni, and then after Desteni I read and watched all their videos. I've even been depressed to a certain extent that I am now through most of their knowledge and information. I mean, I already watched the entire HOM like 5 times and a whole lot of other videos about everything else and now its like fuck, “where do I go from here?” I have all these history books at my home that I have bought over the years intending to read, but never reading because I don't have time. Then there is chess, I love to read about chess. So, its just like I want to know everything – yet, its more of the experience of acquiring the knowledge that I like, it's the rush of finding out something new, something that no-one knows. Yet, this addiction to the rush of learning something new takes up too much of my time. I spend a lot of time on this addiction. Then there is the application part. Now when it comes to applying what I know, that is a low-energy engagement. That is not so exciting. I go into resistance to actually apply what I have learned. So, I occurred to me one day, actually a while back, that I don't care about what I learn as much as the experience of acquiring the knowledge and information. I am addicted to the acquisition of knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a system construct of knowledge and information by merely taking in information, when I understand it to become knowledge, and then I leave it at that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved by knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the acquisition of knowledge and information with a positive feeling / good experience that I have pursued within and as constantly researching information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and limit myself as someone who is smart because I look up information and have a huge knowledge base.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide within being smart because I have felt stupid in the past or defined myself as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel / define myself as stupid / unintelligent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to others within and as defining myself as less intelligent than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to acquire knowledge and information to make myself look better and feel smarter than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and then go into depression / self-pity / fear of myself as a result of my comparing myself to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that acquiring knowledge and information or mastering games like chess will make me look better or smarter than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship with acquiring knowledge and information wherein there is a form of excitement that I experience that I have become addicted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the excitement of the acquisition of knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as superior to others because of my great knowledge and information on various topics.

I forgive myself that I have only allowed myself to absorb information when I understand it and it becomes knowledge and I leave it at that. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take it to the point of living that knowledge as one with me as who I am because I have gone into emotional resistance to the living application of knowledge.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have never actually lived.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within and as the pursuit of knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the negative experience of myself within and as the addiction to the acquiring of knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others as me through me defining myself as superior to others because of my 'great knowledge and information and because I have taken the 'time' to educate myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am the living word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to knowledge and information and therefore be a slave to society and existence.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I am this knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that in only manifesting knowledge and the belief that I am only knowledge, I manifest systems.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to fully apply everything that I know.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to amalgamate myself with the knowledge and information that I have acquired by walking it as myself and living the knowledge in every breath as me, here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I hold opinions, pictures, and perceptions, that these are indicators of knowledge and information constructs that I hold in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be opinionated.

I commit myself to the application of knowledge and information to my walk.

I commit myself to me directing me in every breath.

I commit myself to stopping the separation of myself through acquiring knowledge and information so that I can appear superior to others.

I commit myself to stopping my addiction to the experience of learning something new, by stopping and breathing and allocating my time as effectively as possible within the point of learning and then applying everything that I learn.