Day 112 – No More Arguing For My Limitations

There are times when something that I have done self-forgiveness on will come up again, and then I will go into all kinds of back-chats like 'why is this coming up I did self-forgiveness already' and 'why am I not changing' and 'see, I knew I could change' and this backchat is a door for me to make further excuses, reasons, and justifications to allow myself to participate again in whatever it is that I have done self-forgiveness on, and then I fall once again.

This happened to me with marijuana just a couple of weeks ago while on vacation. I had gone without pot for several months without any real significant desires in this area. I did not have it around me. Thoughts about it would come up, but I would stop them and that was it. Then, someone brought some marijuana to our family vacation. There are bunch of us up there all living in a cabin in the mountains for the week. When I became aware that there was marijuana up there, all of the sudden all of these desires came up based on memories of 'good times' to smoke. I starting thinking about how much more fun I would have if I were to smoke etc, and then I started to go into all of this self-pity / self-doubt about why am I having these thoughts in the first place – I already did self-forgiveness on this' and 'I knew I couldn't do this' and 'how many other things that I have done self-forgiveness on already will I fall given the right circumstances', etc. This back-chat opened the door to further excuses and justifications as to why I should stop 'resisting' (another justification – I am resisting/suppressing, so I have not really 'transcended, therefore I have failed'), and then after all of that I allowed myself to succumb to my mind. And of course, this further convinced me, at the time, that maybe I can't do this, as this is proof of my inability to really change.

So, what I am realizing here is that in all of this I am arguing for my limitations. Instead of realizing that everything that I have participated in over the years, that I am now changing and stopping with self-forgiveness, will always be with me as that is who I was for years and even my entire life. These things are not going to just vanish, so to speak. But because a thought may come up, to do this or to do that again, does not mean that I am a failure or that self-forgiveness does not work. What I am not realizing is that: I am not my thoughts. I am not the thoughts, temptations, and desires that come up in my mind. These thoughts, temptations, and desires I participated in for years and are not going to just vanish from existence. They are going to come up, but I choose to participate or I choose to stop in every moment of breath. These thoughts that come up are not evidence that I cannot change. These thoughts that come up are simply energy patterns of my mind that I created, yet I as the being that gives or takes power away from my mind by simply remaining here or not remaining here – I decide what these thoughts mean and what these thoughts are.

So, no more arguing for my limitations by giving up on myself just because a thought or desire comes up to do something that I have already done self-forgiveness on. Rather, when this comes up, I will use this a testing ground to ensure that I am really clear on any points that I have done SF on and will do more SF in writing if necessary to ensure that I am clear on any particular point. So, these thoughts, these remnants of the past, are cool support to act as self-checks to ensure that I am in-fact changing, and are definitely not something to get all depressed about and to make into proof that I am not changing or able to change.

So, when faced with a thought/desire to do something that I have written SF on, instead of going into self-pity that I just can't change etc, I use this as an opportunity to check myself so that I can stand as life and know that I am clear on all points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear thoughts and desires that I have done self-forgiveness on in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'because a thought or desire comes up to do something that I have already done self-forgiveness on in the past, that I am a failure or that this is proof that I can't really change' and then within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as a justification to go into my desires and participate in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remind myself that 'I am not my thoughts' / 'I am not this thought' / 'I give or take away the power/energy of my thoughts'.

I forgive myself that I have ignored the realization that 'I am not my mind and that all thoughts and desires are of my mind and are therefore not really who I am' And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind-consciousness system as if it were me and thus fear myself as if I am nothing more than a system.

When and as thoughts or desires come up to do something or think about something that I have already done self-forgiveness on or have already decided that I will stop, I stop and I breathe. I take my power back. I do not go into self-pity and self-victimization that these thoughts and desire are proof that I cannot change and that I am not changing. Instead I remaining here within and as the breath within as the physical.

And thus I commit myself to stopping my thoughts and desires in their tracks within and as the application of breathing – I choose the breath.

I commit myself to using these thoughts and desire as they come up as 'testing boards' as 'self-checks' to see if I am really standing / really clear, instead of using these as starting points to go into excuses, justifications, and reasons to why I should give my power away to my mind.