Day 120 - Angry Again

Wow, just last night I had another outburst of anger. This time at my nephew, of all people. I was at his house picking up my boys from a sleep-over to go home. Everything was cool. I was hanging out with everyone there enjoying myself totally calm. 

Earlier in my visit, I was pretend-flying my nephew's Lego plane around in the air – remembering what it was like when I was his age – remembering how much fun I had pretend-flying the planes around making the sound effects and all. I was even making the sound effects last night while flying his plane around. I was remembering who I was and what is was like as a kid and wondering and reflecting on how being a kid is such a 'different' experience than that of an adult. I was having some fun flying pretend-flying this plane around.

Eventually my nephew started wanting his plane-back. I notice this interesting point with kids, in that they can have these toys that they don't even look at for the longest time, but if you take interest in these toys, all the sudden the kids take interest in them too. So, now all the sudden my nephew wants his plane back. I was a little annoyed by this, but with no resistance, I gave it back to him.

When I gave it back to him, the back wheels of the plane came off. This is one piece that can easily be re-attached. I offered to do this for him, but he just wanted me to hand him the plane and the landing gear and he would re-attach them. So, it to him. He then set everything on his dresser and started putting it together.

Within moments another piece of the plane broke off. The piece fell onto the floor somewhere and I noticed him looking for it. I honestly can't remember if I offered to help him at this point. I feel like I did, but don't have a distinct memory of this that is coming up. Nevertheless, while my nephew was still putting his plane back together, eventually I left his room and went onto other things.

A while later, it was time to go. I was rounding up my two boys, saying my goodbyes, when all of the sudden my nephews mother comes up to me and asks something like 'Josh do you know anything about his plane? Did the plane break or something?” When she asked this, I noticed my newphew in that pouting pose he does off across the room, with his back mostly facing me and kind of eyeballing me without actually looking at me.

This set me off. All of the sudden I had these thoughts like 'What the fuck!' I can't believe this! Except for the landing gear, which is just one piece, I handed his plane-back to him in perfect condition and he knows it! He broke his plane himself while trying to fix it which he insisted on doing himself and now he's blaming me!' And then I have these judgments towards him as somewhat of a spoiled-brat because of other behaviors and also judgments towards his parents for spoiling him that activated other thoughts like 'I can't let him get away with this. Not this time. He can't blame me. His parent's are making him like this.'

So, while all these thoughts are racing through my head, I just like lost track of even where I was and responded aggressively 'Nothing's wrong with the plane. That's a load of crap!'. Then his mother repeated 'look I'm not trying to point fingers, I just want to know what happened. But I was already caught in the emotion of anger within the point of fear that I cannot allow this 'kid' to get away with this bullshit, so I repeated even louder 'That's a load of crap!'.

At this my nephew ran into his room and stared crying. This pissed me off even more because I have seen him act this way too in order to manipulate others, especially his parents. And I have seen him get his way with this behavior. But I thought to myself 'oh not this time, not with me!' So, I then pointed my voice right into his room and repeated again even louder 'that's a load of crap!'. At this I heard him burst into tears, and then I rounded my kids up and within moments walked out the front door leaving the house in a bit of a rage.

Wow, I can't even believe that I wrote that. I got that angry in response to an 8 year old kid? Really? In fact, I am embarrassed and even apprehensive to even write about this, but I must as there is really no other way to get through this kind of bullshit. In fact, anger is a cool point because it is a flag-point to show where and that I have some suppressed bullshit somewhere that I am not addressing.

So, that's all that I have time for to write today. I will pick up on this topic and the general topic of anger tomorrow looking at anger as a flap-point showing me that I haven't been self-honest with myself and then suppressing this self-dishonesty until I have an outburst of anger.