Day 31 - Physical Fatigue

So my experience thus far sleeping 6 hours per night is as follows.

I tend to have a muscular-achiness or discomfort rather throughout my body but predominately in my forearms and mid back and thighs throughout the day which intensifies in the evenings and at night before bed.  I also feel fatigued slightly off and on throughout the day.  I feel super tired in the mornings, but so long as I can remain in breath and not dwell on it, I ‘pull through’ after about 30 minutes and feel awake enough to function properly throughout the day.  However, after about 5 or 6 days, I start to feel fatigued throughout the day and wind-up usually falling asleep early without being able to concentrate for a few hours beforehand and then sleep 8 to 10 hours.

So, I have noticed that I am able to function well overall on 6 hours of sleep per night for most of the week until all this starts ‘catching up’ with me as described above.  Even though I breathe through and stop the thoughts and beliefs of ‘tiredness’, I seem to really be experiencing tiredness in my body – like feeling it literally (as described above).  This lends to upholding my belief that I cannot sleep less than 8 hours, however I am doing my best to push through.

Maybe there is something else going on here that I am not considering that is contributing to this feeling/achiness as described above.  Perhaps sitting around all day (as I do this working on a computer) and also for some-reason the idea of boredom or being slightly bored throughout the day also comes to mind, but I cannot seem to put it together at this time as to how this would factor in.

 

I feel a little strange doing self-forgiveness on the way I physically feel, or at least experience myself to physically feel, as I am experiencing a body-feeling sensation of fatigue or discomfort rather in my forearm muscles, thighs, and mid-back in the form of achiness (slight) were-in I feel really good doing mini-stretches throughout the day as a form of relief. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am tired because I have not slept 8 hours.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to catch-up on sleep.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of being tired.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of fatigue because of my belief that I need 8 hours of sleep.

 

At this time, I just want to get what I can out on this as a point to work through over time. 

Day 30 - Self Corrective Application on Worry

When and as I see myself going into worry, I stop and I breathe.  I do not allow myself to think compulsively because I see, realize,  and understand that thinking about something over and over again does nothing but charge my mind and deplete my body.

When and as I see myself going into fear that I may lose money, I stop and I breathe.  I do not allow myself to participate in fear of losing money because I see, realize, and understand that fear is not real and is self-created within my mind; and that participating in fear/fear of losing money only serves to keep me separated from what is here within and as the physical and the breath.

And thus I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into fear/fear of losing money, stopping myself immediately from participating in this fear and breathing deeply until I stop – and if I still cannot stop, then I commit myself to speaking self-forgiveness outloud to override the thoughts, feeling, and emotions that are running wild within my mind – speaking self-forgiveness outloud until these thoughts, feelings, and emotions stop simply because my mind cannot do two things at once.  Then once I settle down through speaking self-forgiveness outloud, then I commit myself to continue breathing until I am clear.

When and as I see myself going into compulsive thinking where I cannot stop my mind because I am thinking over and over again about past events or potential future events in an effort to alleviate my fear of loss, my fear of losing money, and any and all fear of harm to me within my ability to survive in this system, I stop and I breathe deeply until I am clear because I see realize, and understand that by participating in compulsive thinking about the past or the future traps me within my mind consciousness system where I am possessed by my mind unable to be here within and as the physical in oneness and equality with all as me – And thus I commit myself to, as soon as I see myself going into compulsive thinking about the past or the future, stop myself and breathe deeply until I am clear.

When and as I see myself participating in the thought and belief that ‘I cannot stop my mind’ because I feel out of control or overwhelmed by the thoughts and the situation that I am thinking about, I stop and I breath.  I do not accept and allow myself to hold this belief that I am ‘too overwhelmed to stop thinking about the past and or the future’ because I see, realize, and understand that this belief is not real and is a figment of my imagination and that what is real is what is physically manifested within and as this reality, everything that I can touch and see and hear, the breath, my physical body and the outflow of consequences that has brought about whatever it is that I am facing.  I see, realize, and understand that within this, what I require to do is to face my reality, whatever it is, within and as the breath and to walk breath by breath what is needed to be done in any given situation to bring about a result that is best for all in oneness and equality of life as me, here – without becoming emotionally depressed or fearful, or happy or hopeful, dependent upon an outcome of an event, but to remain here constant within the breath, breathing no matter what the situation is in every moment.

And thus, I commit myself to remain here within and as the breath in every moment and walk step by step, breath by breath what is needed to be done to bring about an outflow of consequence that resolves my situation to my best advantage within the starting point of what is best for all.

Day 29 - Worry

In the last post, there are a few points that come up, but the one that really seems to be at the fore point is worry.  I have always been prone to worry.  In recent years, I worry far less than I used to; however I tend to become very worried still at times.  In fact it seems to come in waves. 

For instance, last Friday, when the event noted in this last post occurred, I was consumed with worry for about 20 minutes or so, and then later that same day I was worried about another situation.  In this new situation, things were actually good, and I was worried that the good things that seemed to be happening may not happen.  I was going over the event in my mind meticulously for 20 or 30 minutes constantly rehearsing this new event as well.  I was worried that the good outcome that this event seemed to have would not actually happen.

 

When I worry, I get locked-in to my mind, I guess one can say.  It is hard for me to hear what others are saying and pay attention.  I even worry in short blasts here and there.  Like during a conversation, I might drift-off worrying about something, and then tune back in and miss half of what someone said.  I have developed a way of ‘acting’ like I hear someone and filling in the blanks so that I don’t always have to ask questions to gather information that I tuned out on. 

 

Like I said, I have gotten way better at listening and being here over the years, but still have this problem every now and then I am just lost in worry.

 

I am not mentioning any names or depicting the recent events that I was worrying about because I really don’t think it matters so much and also I would like to keep a little anonymity here.  The real issue is the worry, which can come about for many reasons, but the number one reason has to do with money and fear of losing or not making enough money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about losing money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not making enough money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the prospect of me losing money to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the prospect of not making enough money to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself connect any adverse consequence that I can imagine to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate-in and compulsively rehearse past events in my mind within a state of worry as if that can solve problems.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that worrying will solve my problems.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I stop thinking about something, the worst might happen.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of fear to the thought of the worst happening and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future where I am going over all kinds of ‘solutions’ to try and stop the ‘worst’ from happening to me rather than remaining right here within and as the breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that thinking and projecting myself into the future within the pictured reality of my mind where I am ‘solving’ all kinds of ‘potential’ problems will keep me from experiencing the worst case scenario.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of fear to the thought and potential reality that I may lose money; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear to possess me and drag me into my own mental realm where I am trying to find ways to solve all my problems while existing in and as my mind instead of just being here and breathing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compulsively go over past events in my mind as if I can change the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to think about past events over and over again in order to feel comfortable and not afraid that the outcome of a particular event may affect me adversely.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not think compulsively about a past event and a ‘positive’ future outcome of a past event, that I may experience hardship.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that while I am in my mind thinking about the past and imaging the future, I am trapped in the polarity of past and future within and as my mind, generating friction and thus energy, in an attempt to control my reality through thinking which is impossible.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become trapped in the past and in the future within a state of worry and fear within my own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the friction caused by being trapped in this polarity of past and future requires energy which is derived from my physical body and thereby depletes it.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the energy required for me to participate in compulsive thoughts, feelings, and emotions of fear is derived directly from my physical body which suffers damage as a result.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in my mind in worry and fear to the extent that I am not here and not able to pay attention to what is going on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become directed by the belief that I hold that ‘if I stop thinking and worrying and fearing’ then the ‘worst-case scenario’ might happen to me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought ‘that I cannot stop thinking of the past and the future because otherwise I might not be able to find a solution to my problem”.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give-in to the resistance that I have to breathing and being here due to fear of harm and fear of loss of money and fear of not thinking.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my mind and by fear while being trapped in my mind and seeing that I am trapped and realizing that I need to stop my mind, yet still participating in thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to fear and then abdicate all self-responsibility to my mind consciousness system as if it were a big daddy/parent figure taking care of me through its fear-based reaction response programming while I sit in the back-seat and watch and even participate in it as it becoming it rather than remaining here as life as the breath as the directive principle of me.

Day 28 -- Feeling the Heat

A certain person told me that I did not handle a certain situation the right.  When she said this to me, I immediately began to defend myself because I felt that she was being completely over-the-top with her ‘perfectionist commentary’ regarding how to ‘handle’ certain situations.  I saw her point of view as unreasonable, in other words; and I let her know this indirectly.

 

So, I happened to be going to lunch right after this event, and so I subsequently walked out of her presence, and on my walk to lunch I could not stop thinking about the situation.

 

Worry overtook me as I was concerned that she may actually hold this conversation against me in some way, of which I could suffer adverse consequences.  Wow, and really it was nothing that would deserve an extreme consequence, but nevertheless, for at least another 20 minutes I was thinking compulsively about this situation.

 

I was thinking how I could have handled myself better, and I was rehearsing this altercation over and over again, in my mind, as if I could change the past. 

 

I was also thinking about how I was justified in my actions and should not have to suffer any consequences and that she shouldn’t have made the complaint in the first place.

 

I would go in and out of my head thinking and then catching myself and then breathing.  But when I would start breathing, fear overtook me as if I could not allow myself to just breathe and be here because I needed to think more in order for me to protect myself from potential harm, even though I knew there wasn’t any legitimate reason to be concerned.

 

I was thinking so much, that I ‘tipped’ the lady taking my lunch order at a place that doesn’t take tips.  I just added a dollar to my credit card receipt without even noticing it.  The lady was like “what’s this for?”  I was like, “uh, you can keep it”!  And she laughed, and I laughed, not only at the humor in this but at myself for being so mind-possessed.

 

From about that time, I got a hold of myself and was able to start breathing again and stop my thoughts, or at least stop thinking about this.

 

A couple of interesting points stand out:

 

1.     I saw myself as ‘right’ and in no need of correction and therefor reacted defensively to this person instead of just remaining here in the breath in oneness and equality with her as me and just simply breathing. 

2.     Not only did I see this person’s point of view as unreasonable in this situation, I tend to think it unreasonable in a lot of situations and so therefore I immediately acted in a bit of anger/annoyance towards her at the moment I heard her complain.

3.     I could not stop thinking for 20 to 30 minutes after this event.  I was thinking compulsively, in fear, as if to take ‘control’ of this situation or change it in order to protect myself.  I actually feared that by ‘not thinking’ something bad might happen to me –so within that I was thinking about this event over and over again as if I could change it, or see some point that would ‘set me free’ within this event – and also I was thinking about how ‘wrong’ this other person was. 

4.     I was hardly paying attention, I was thinking so much.  I was possessed with fear and even regret.

 

Ok, so I got it out.  I will continue soon…

Day 27 - My Schedule

Monday through Wednesday & Friday:

·       7am – wake up get the kids on the bus by 7:30

·       8-9am - somewhere in there off to work

·       5:30-7pm - somewhere in there back from work

·       5:30/7 – 7:30/7:45 - cook, clean, hang-out with kids, partner, whatever I have time to do.

·       7:30/7:45-8:00 – Give kids a bath by 7:30, if I give kids a bath, otherwise reading by between 7:45 & 8:00 and bedtime at 8:30.

·       8:30 to 10/10:30 – spend time with my partner, relax

·       By 10:30 to 12:30pm – Desteni writings, etc.

·       In bed by 12:30pm

Thursday:

·       Same schedule as above except that I get home from work between 7:30 and 8:30pm, and therefore just read to kids if I have time and then complete the rest of the schedule.

Saturday & Sunday:

Generally speaking, Saturdays will be a house cleaning and maintenance day, and Sunday a leisure day.  However, depending on events that may come-up, these two days can be switched around where Sunday will be a cleaning day, or both can be leisure days or both can be maintenance days.

Saturday:

·       Wake by 8am – catch-up on sleep because I am finding, right now, that after 4 or 5 days of 6 hours sleep, I need to catch-up at least one day per week.

·       8am – 9am – Make breakfast, relax

·       9am – 3pm – house cleaning, maintenance, and projects

·       3pm – 8:30pm – Leisure activity or more house cleaning, maintenance if need be

·       8:30pm – 9:30 pm – Read to kids and put in bed

·       9:30 to 11:00 pm – Leisure time / spend time with partner

·       11pm to 1 pm – Desteni writings, etc.

 

Sunday:

·       Wake by 8am

·       8-9/10am – Make breakfast, relax

·       10am – 11am – Bi-weekly chat with buddy (every other Sunday)

·       9 or 11am (depending on chat week) -7:30pm – Go do something with kids and partner outside of the house, or here at the house – whatever.  Or, even more house maintenance/projects – open to being scheduled.

·       7:30 – 8:30 – bath-time, or just reading time – either way kids in bed and going to sleep by 8:30.

·       8:30 – 10:30 – spend time with partner, relax

·       10:30 – 12:30 – Desteni writings, etc.

 

 

So, within this schedule, I am writing self-forgiveness, etc at nights every night of the week and have reduced my sleep to between 6 and 7 hours per night.   I plan on eventually, reducing my sleep to between 5 and 6 hours soon.  I have been playing with this schedule for a couple of weeks now, and it seems to be working well.

I commit myself to scheduling my time in the most effective way possible and keeping this schedule in order to maintain good ‘relationships’ with my kids and my partner, earn as much income as possible, keep my house in order, and be able be as effective as possible within stopping my mind through writing self-forgiveness and corrective application.

I commit myself to breathing through any and all resistance to keeping my schedule and then writing all resistance out if breathing is not enough.

I commit myself to being open to change if and when I realize that a better schedule is possible.

Day 26 - Outburst of Anger, Part 3 - Corrective Application

When and as I see myself going into an emotional reaction of fear to the possibility of losing money I stop and I take a deep breath.  I do not accept and allow myself to participate in fear of loss of money because I see, realize, and understand that this fear is not real and is of the mind and is me, as my mind, trying to take control of a situation that I fear I may not have control over and that participating in fear offers no constructive solution to a potential loss of money.

 

When and as I see myself going into an emotional reaction of anger and even rage because of my participation in the thought that ‘I cannot bear this situation and I may lose control of this situation and therefore it is ok for me to react in anger and rage’, I stop and I take a deep breath.  I do not accept and allow myself to react to any situation in anger and rage and I do not accept and allow myself to react to someone sending me an email that I perceive could result in loss of money in anger and rage because I see, realize, and understand that anger and rage does not serve as a solution to any problem whatsoever.

 

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts that I ‘should not have to deal with these emails that I am receiving because the person sending them should let me know what they are about’, I stop and I take a deep breath.  I do not accept and allow myself to participate in comparing what is happening here with what I ‘believe’ should happen, but rather I remain here in and as the breath stopping my mind and directing myself to act in a way that resolves any given situation practically from the starting point of what is best for all.

 

When and as I see myself going into an emotional reaction of rage and anger that I have connected to thoughts that ‘I should not have to receive these emails with no explanation’ and ‘I would never do this to someone else’ and ‘I cannot bear waiting for 2 days just to get resolution’ and ‘this is unfair’ and ‘I am justified in reacting in anger and rage because this should not be happening to me’, I stop and I take a deep breath and I breathe until I am clear and remain here, stable, as the breath stopping my mind because I see, realize, and understand that I am just fucking with myself by reacting in anger, fear, and rage because of my participation in these thoughts.

 

When and as I see myself going into an emotional reaction of rage and anger because I feel justified in reacting because the ‘other person’ is violating my own ethical code of conduct, I stop and I breathe and I do not accept and allow myself to participate in rage and anger because of my participation in the thought that I am justified in doing so because I am superior in morality to this other being.

 

I commit myself to remaining here in and as the breath when such emotions of fear, anger, and rage arise by stopping my participation in them through breathing, further writing, and corrective application.

 

I commit myself to remaining here in and as the breath and stopping my thoughts, judgments, and opinions and not reacting to my thoughts, judgments, and opinions but simply remaining here directing myself in my reality within doing what is practical to solve any all ‘problems’ that may arise within and as stability as life as the breath.

Day 26 - Self Forgivness on Outburst of Anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at the fact that I received emails of orders that I did not know why they were generated and no one would let me know.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that these orders might actually cost me money, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘I have a right to break-down into an emotional outburst of anger because the potential ‘harm to me’ that could come from the situation was too great for me to bear’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is only ‘so much adversity that I can bear’ and beyond that I therefore allow myself to break down into an emotional basket-case.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if there is only so much that I can bear, then I am in fact living as multiple personalities that come about depending on the external stimulus in my reality and completely subject to my environmental conditions, and I am not living therefore as the directive principle of me as oneness and equality as stability in every breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, in that moment, that I would not be able to handle the unresolved possibility of having orders, that I did not generate, cost me money, over the weekend, and that because I could not handle it and ‘should not have to handle it’ I chose to allow myself to break-down into an emotional outburst of anger and rage.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the emotional reaction of fear to the possibility of my ‘losing’ money because of orders that I did not place; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the emotion of ‘anger’ at the fact that I received a bunch of orders for items that I did not place and was not notified as to why and no one answered the phone when I called to ask.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself and breath in the very moment that I saw myself going into fear and anger – in other words, I actually made the choice to accept and allow myself to go into emotional reactions of fear and anger; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotional reactions of fear and anger.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional reaction of anger to the thought that ‘I should have been notified as to why I was getting these mysterious orders’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the emotion of anger towards the individual at this manufacturer because she was not doing what I would think is the appropriate thing in this situation which is to call me and let me know what is going on; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to use the fact that she apparently violated my personal ethics code as a reason for me to become angry and act out in rage, yelling ‘fuck this’ and ‘what the fuck’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from this person and from others by imposing my ‘code of ethics’ upon her as a point of pride and arrogance within the fact that I saw her as ‘less than me’ because she did not behave within my pre-defined code, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that my emotional outburst was a way of my acting out my feeling of ‘superiority’ to her.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, in that moment because of the out-play of the situation, ‘superior’ to the woman who sent me these mysterious orders, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out in anger as a way to express my wrath upon her as being my inferior.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity manifestation of the mind of ‘superiority’ and ‘inferiority’, and within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my feeling of ‘superiority’ because of my having a ‘code of ethics’ that is ‘so righteous’ is rooted in an actual belief/feeling of inferiority.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotional construct of inferiority, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover that with ‘self-righteous’ acts and beliefs instead of addressing the feeling of inferiority head-on with self-forgiveness and corrective application.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional outburst of rage and anger even though it will do nothing to resolve the situation at all, and even though I knew this at the time and willingly chose to accept and allow myself to react.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control of my environment within the possibility of ‘losing money’ against my will and against all my efforts.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of my participation in the feeling of losing control, go into the emotional reaction of fear and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that I am not able to handle ‘potentially losing money’ for an entire 2 days, over the weekend, without knowing what the outcome will be.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to this event instead of remaining here in and as the breath in every moment.

 

To be continued…

Day 25 - Outburst of Anger, Part 1

Yesterday, about an hour before I was to leave work and go home for the day and the weekend, received emails of orders from one of my manufacturers of items that I did not order.  I received four emails one after another while I was on the phone taking a credit card from another customer and trying my hardest to wrap up the day. 

When the phone call ended I checked my emails and saw that they were orders that cost money and that there was no explanation for these orders nor had I placed any.  I tried calling the manufacturers rep that I usually talk to and she did not answer the phone.  I figured that she probably went home as she usually does at this hour.  And I still had to make a phone call to another customer before the end of the day which now was just minutes away.

This is crazy because one minute everything is under control and the next minute I have all these orders coming into my email that cost money that I did not place and I have no explanation for them nor can I talk to anyone about them because my contact point had gone home right after she sent the emails.  And when I realized that this was the case, in that moment rage and anger overtook me.  I became seriously pissed off and yelled out loud a few times things like ‘what the fuck!” ‘Fuck this fucking shit!” 

I called the manufacturer in a rage a few times in a row knowing that my contact point would not answer because she went home which pissed me off even more because of the fact that she would do something like this and then leave for the day and not even let me know what this is about. 

 

To my surprise, someone else answered the phone after a few calls in.  I was still pissed to all hell and could hardly contain myself, but managed to speak to this person without cussing but very fast and very intense and very loud.  This person informed me that she believes there was a computer error and that I should have nothing to worry about but that she wasn’t sure because the person I normally do talk to actually did go home as I suspected.

At this, I cooled off, because I actually had a form of confirmation of what I was suspecting all along.  I was actually thinking that this probably was the case or something like this at least. 

This is so interesting because I was here watching myself go through this whole rage scenario and actually making decisions to participate in this emotional outburst because I felt justified in doing so because:

1.     This person at the manufacturer should have contacted me

2.     I did not want to worry over an entire weekend whether or not I had a bunch of orders in progress = bills and expenses without resolution

3.     This person at the manufacturer obviously is more concerned about getting off work than sticking around to let me know what is going on and why she would send me a bunch of orders, so I was pissed at her for being inconsiderate and unprofessional.

4.     I feared that I might be receiving a bunch of bills and wanted immediate resolution to this problem and could not get it.  So, fear of losing money.

5.     I felt out of control of my situation and angry about not being able to find a way to resume control within the fact that I could not get an explanation for the mysterious orders coming into my email.

After writing these reasons for my breaking down, it actually seems pretty silly, and luckily no one was around so no one heard me while I was in my rage.

Ok, so I let myself go into anger and rage while I was there watching myself but choosing to not direct myself to stop and breathe.  And also this is interesting because it came out of nowhere, like I was just cool as can be and then bam – pissed to all hell.

Self-forgiveness to follow.

Day 24 - Justifying thinking and reacting

The other day while I was out in the field, my office manager called me to let me know that one of our customers may not want some cabinets that he already ordered.  This customer is a normal customer of ours and because of our relationship we had placed an order without his signature or even a deposit.  However, we were expecting him to come in and pay the very next day, but he didn’t and then finally was saying that maybe he did not even want the cabinets.

This really did not upset me initially as I knew him well and really wasn’t that concerned in the moment.  However, the concept of him potentially screwing us over I allowed to be used as a justification to go into ranting and reaction.  I went-off of a few minutes in a simi-controlled manner complaining and ranting about this customer to my office manager on the phone (at the time she let me know that he may not want the cabinets after all).  Then after the phone call was ended, I continued to think about how this guy ‘better not screw us over’ and then hold conversations in my head with him and what I would say to him how I would say it repeatedly for several minutes.  I also got angry at him, and I participated in fear of loss of money from the standpoint of what would happen to me/us if he really were not to pay.

All this went on when I was aware that this play-out of emotions, feelings, and thoughts was completely unnecessary.

So, looking at this, I can see that I was using this event as a justification to go into thoughts, feelings, and emotions in order to charge myself as my mind up into excitement, anger, and the feeling of superiority as well – being ‘morally’ superior (in a way) to our customer who was operating from a standpoint of perceived ‘lack of integrity’.

This was done by me within full knowledge and understanding that my emotional reaction and excessive thinking was completely unnecessary and even more so, that not participating in this was within my grasp – meaning I could have stopped if I wanted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional reaction of anger at the thought that a certain customer may not pay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participated in the thought that my customer potentially not paying as he verbally agreed is justification for me to go into excessive thoughts and emotional reactions of anger, arrogance, and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this event of potential loss as a trigger point for me to go into emotional reactions and excessive thoughts in order to defend myself and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this event as a trigger point to then participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions to energetically charge me as my mind, rather than to just simply remain here as stability as the breathe in every moment.

When and as I see myself using excuses and justifications such as ‘potential loss of money’ to go into reactions and obsessive thinking I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that I am just fucking with myself so as to find ways to charge myself up within and as energy.  And I realize, that I do not need to participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions to solve problems, but rather I just remain here as the breath as the physical in every moment of breath.

Day 23 - Constant Thoughts

As I slow down and watch myself throughout the day I can see myself going into thinking and thinking patterns throughout the day.  It always starts with a fleeting thought, almost an impulse or a desire to have a thought.  Or thoughts can start from  something in my environment that reminds me of something,  or they can come from just out of no-where and then that one thought turns into a lot of thoughts and thought patterns and even emotions and reactions until I have to stop myself and breathe.  And then a few seconds or minutes later it happens again. 

 

The nature of the thoughts oftentimes is about I how I might have handled a situation better wherein I am thinking about what I said or how I could have said something better.  I find myself rehearsing the past in my head as well as a potential future moment, over and over again.  Sometimes I do this just for fun – not even out of fear. 

 

So, as I am thinking I notice that oftentimes I forget something or neglect to do something or do something and not realize that I did it.  Or perhaps I will be driving and my speed picks up while I am not paying attention/lost in my mind – things like that. 

 

Now, I am really good at stopping the thoughts and identifying the fact that I am thinking obsessively since I have been working with myself to stop thoughts once they start.  However, bringing myself to a point where no thought enters my head, especially useless thoughts, like thinking about past or future situations over and over again is far from being a reality as of now.

 

In the mornings is a really interesting time to observe my thoughts.  As soon as I get out of bed, thoughts start popping up in my head one after another.  Then one seems interesting and the next thing you know I am off following this thought out until I come-to and stop it.  Then a few seconds later, it happens again!  This goes on all day actually, but it is interesting to note regarding the mornings, since in the morning is when the mind is ‘charging’ itself up so to speak – where I am setting the stage for the mind to ‘activate’ all that it has uploaded/organized throughout the night.  So, this is where I seek to exert the most discipline with stopping thoughts, in the morning, and it has been quite an awakening to try and stop thoughts especially in the morning because it is only when one tries to stop thoughts that one realizes just how much one thinks.

 

So, the goal, is to remain here within and as the breath in every moment of breath - to stop all thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and reactions of all kinds.  The goal is to be truly here throughout my day with and as my immediate environment aware of every single point that is around me and within me, my physical body.  The goal is to not go into though patterns, reactions, emotions, fears all of which are of the mind as a way for the mind to preserve itself and protect itself and all of which keep me separated from what is really here and not living here as life in oneness and equality.

 

So, I commit myself to stopping my mind and living here in every breath. 

 

I commit myself to taking the time to sort myself out daily to stop my thoughts.

Day 22 - Family - A spat with my mom

On his last birthday celebration, my son Alex came down with a 104.5 degree fever.  This was concerning, but since it was Saturday, it was his first day of fever, his fever was manageable with Tylenol, and the emergency room costs a billion dollars, we decided to wait until Monday to take him to the doctor, if we decide to take him to the doctor. 

 

My mother was really concerned.  I believe that she may have been more concerned than we were because in her time, a 104.5 degree temperature was a definite trip to the hospital or doctor.  However, my partner and I were confident that a 106 degree temperature was the trigger point and everything else seemed manageable, so we did not take him in. 

 

My mom left the birthday party really concerned, however.  The next evening, Sunday, Alex’s fever was stubbornly at 104.5 degrees, so Amy and I decided to take him into the doctor the next day.  I called my mom that evening, Sunday, to let her know as a courtesy because she was so concerned. 

 

Monday morning, at around 10 a.m. my mom called.  As soon as I saw her number on the caller ID I began to become defensive because I knew why she was calling.  I knew she was calling to ask how the doctor’s trip was.  I became upset before even answering the phone because of memories in the past when my mom is very forceful that I take her advice wherein she follows-up relentlessly to ensure that I do what she recommends.  I was also, frustrated with the fact that she hadn’t even given me the whole day to call.  It was 10am or so in the morning and not much can be accomplished by then anyway.

 

So, then I answered her call and her first words were: “hi, how’s Alex?”  I immediately became defensive at hearing these words.  I not only became defensive from the question she asked, I became defensive from the way she asked it – her way of asking ‘how’s Alex’ as if there is some sort of huge life or death emergency where everyone is so concerned and holding on to their sanity by a tiny thread all depending on what the doctors say about Alex’s dire condition.  This is what her voice tonality communicated to me.

 

This question from her being, in my mind, pre-mature, unnecessary, overbearing, and inappropriately too intense was a trigger point from where I allowed myself to go into defense and attack personality towards my mom.  I spoke to her passive aggressively in that I did not yell or speak harshly, but I did speak condescendingly and short to her and she picked-up on it and then we got in a big fight on the phone and she hung-up on me.  She then would not talk to me for at least a week and if I did talk to her it was brief and from that point she acted as if she did not care what happened to Alex.

 

Points that triggered reactions within me:

1.     Just having my mom be ‘overly’ concerned at the birthday party triggering memories of times past when she was overbearing

2.     Seeing my mom’s phone number on my phone triggering memories of times past when she was over-bearing and also triggering the thought that she ‘shouldn’t be calling so soon.’

3.     Hearing my mom ask ‘how’s Alex?’ in a very overly concerned way which triggered me to go into a passive aggressive personality towards my mom wherein I spoke down to her.

 

Reactions to trigger point:

1.     When my mom was over for the birthday and was acting concerned about Alex:

a.      I was thinking to myself that ‘she tends to overdramatize things’

b.     and that ‘will probably be making sure that we do everything that she says’ because of past memories of her doing so

c.      I was annoyed with her

2.     When I saw her number on my phone on Monday:

a.      I thought to myself ‘her she goes again with her being overbearing and obtrusive’

b.     I thought ‘how dare she, can’t she let me handle my business without making sure that I do it’

c.      I thought that ‘she isn’t even giving me enough time to go to the doctor and actually see what is going on’

d.     Emotionally, I became slightly angry and frustrated with her by just seeing her number on my phone

3.     When I heard her ask “how’s Alex?”

a.      I became passive aggressive and spoke condescendingly and short towards her

b.     I reacted to the tone of her voice because I judged it to be too ‘intense’ for the situation and even to be a bit silly considering that Alex just had a fever.

c.      Because I judged her tone of voice to be a bit silly, I became cynical in my tone and words to her as well.

d.     Her questioning ‘how’s Alex’ just hours into the morning that I was supposed to take Alex to the doctor caused me to think that she is overbearing – it also brought-up memories of past events where I had also judged her to be overbearing and I became angry and frustrated at that too.

 

 

 

 

Self-Forgiveness:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my ‘mother being over-concerned with Alex’s condition’ act as a trigger point for me to go into frustration and anger towards my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my ‘mother being over-concerned with Alex’s condition’ act as a trigger point for me to access memories of past times where I judged her to be over-concerned regarding the physical condition of me or my children and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts like ‘oh god, here we go again’ and ‘she’s going to just become over-bearing towards me again’ towards my mother because of my reaction to memories of her doing this in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed seeing my mother’s phone number on my phone the next morning after I just talked to her about my plan to take Alex to the doctor to be a trigger point for me to go into thoughts like ‘oh god, here we go again’, ‘she is going to make certain that I do everything that she says, and ‘she is so over the top and overly concerned’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mom as silly.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed seeing my mother’s phone number on my phone the next morning after I just talked to her about my plan to take Alex to the doctor to be a trigger point for me to start reacting to her call in anger and in frustration.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed hearing my mom ask ‘how’s Alex’ in a tone of voice that I judged to be silly and a bit ridiculous to act as a trigger point for me to go react in the emotions of anger and frustration when talking to my mom.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mom’s tone of voice, when asking ‘how’s Alex’, as silly and ridiculous and within that, in that moment, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the tone of my mom’s voice to act as a trigger point for me to go into a reaction of anger and frustration towards her.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed hearing my mom ask ‘how’s Alex’ in a specific tone of voice that I judged in that moment as silly and ridiculous to act as a trigger point for me to access memories of times in the past when I judged my mother to be overbearing and forceful in regards to making sure that I take her advice.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my mom’s over-concern at Alex’s birthday party with thoughts that my mother is overbearing and too forceful with her opinions and advice on matters.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to in frustration towards my mother from just seeing her phone number on my phone the next morning.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger towards my mother from just seeing her phone number on my phone the next morning after I talked to her.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and frustrations towards my mother because of memories of her being over-bearing and controlling in the past that I accessed as soon I saw here phone number on my phone.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother as silly and ridiculous as a reaction to hearing her tone of voice while asking the questions ‘how’s Alex?”  

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a passive-aggressive personality in reaction to my mother calling me on the phone to ask how is was doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of my mother being over-bearing and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards my mother in a passive-aggressive manner because of the trigger-point of her calling me which brought up those memories.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a personality of cynicism towards my mother as reaction to her calling me the next day to ask ‘how’s Alex?’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of my mother where I judged her to be over-bearing, and the to react to her in frustration, anger, and cynicism as soon as it seemed that she was being over-bearing again.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to react to her in anger, frustration, and cynicism as a way to punish her for being over-bearing; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself going into a reaction/personality of anger, frustration, and cynicism because I ‘need to get the point across to her’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react passive-aggressively towards my mother when she called to ask ‘how’s Alex’ because of my holding resentment towards her for her concern for me which I defined as over-bearing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards my mother’s concern for me with anger and frustration because I fear that I have no other way to stop her from being overbearing and that if I don’t react then she will just keep doing it.

 

Self-Corrective Statements:

 

When and as I see myself judging my mother’s actions as ‘over-bearing’ and then going into thoughts that ‘she is so over-bearing’ and ‘oh, god, here we go again’, and ‘she just doesn’t know when to stop and bud-out’, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to go into thoughts and thought patterns and internal dialog/backchat when my mother becomes overbearing because I see, realize, and understand that participating in these thoughts just charges a larger system of defense within and as me as my mind, and is not really a solution to this situation.  Instead, when my mother begins to go into what I have defined as ‘overbearing’ I stop and I breathe and listen to hers.  I then proceed to address her concerns in a practical matter-of-fact manner and then, if the situation permits, I let her know gently that I am handling the situation and please just allow me to let you (her) know when new developments arise.

 

When and as I see myself going into reactions of anger, frustration, and cynicism when I see a trigger point of my mother’s phone number on my phone or when my asks ‘how’s Alex’ in an overly concerned voice, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow reactions of anger, frustration, and cynicism towards my mother when she behaves in ways that I have defined as ‘overbearing’ and ‘silly’ because I see, realize, and understand that reacting to behaviors that other beings participate in that I have defined as ‘overbearing’ or ‘silly’ does not serve any practical purpose whatsoever.  Instead, I stop participating in all thoughts, feelings, and emotions that come up in reaction to such trigger points and breathe until I am clear here.  I then go on to speak what is necessary to address the situation at hand and also let my mother know where I stand from a standpoint of being here in oneness and equality and what is best for all.