Day 24 - Justifying thinking and reacting

The other day while I was out in the field, my office manager called me to let me know that one of our customers may not want some cabinets that he already ordered.  This customer is a normal customer of ours and because of our relationship we had placed an order without his signature or even a deposit.  However, we were expecting him to come in and pay the very next day, but he didn’t and then finally was saying that maybe he did not even want the cabinets.

This really did not upset me initially as I knew him well and really wasn’t that concerned in the moment.  However, the concept of him potentially screwing us over I allowed to be used as a justification to go into ranting and reaction.  I went-off of a few minutes in a simi-controlled manner complaining and ranting about this customer to my office manager on the phone (at the time she let me know that he may not want the cabinets after all).  Then after the phone call was ended, I continued to think about how this guy ‘better not screw us over’ and then hold conversations in my head with him and what I would say to him how I would say it repeatedly for several minutes.  I also got angry at him, and I participated in fear of loss of money from the standpoint of what would happen to me/us if he really were not to pay.

All this went on when I was aware that this play-out of emotions, feelings, and thoughts was completely unnecessary.

So, looking at this, I can see that I was using this event as a justification to go into thoughts, feelings, and emotions in order to charge myself as my mind up into excitement, anger, and the feeling of superiority as well – being ‘morally’ superior (in a way) to our customer who was operating from a standpoint of perceived ‘lack of integrity’.

This was done by me within full knowledge and understanding that my emotional reaction and excessive thinking was completely unnecessary and even more so, that not participating in this was within my grasp – meaning I could have stopped if I wanted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional reaction of anger at the thought that a certain customer may not pay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participated in the thought that my customer potentially not paying as he verbally agreed is justification for me to go into excessive thoughts and emotional reactions of anger, arrogance, and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this event of potential loss as a trigger point for me to go into emotional reactions and excessive thoughts in order to defend myself and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this event as a trigger point to then participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions to energetically charge me as my mind, rather than to just simply remain here as stability as the breathe in every moment.

When and as I see myself using excuses and justifications such as ‘potential loss of money’ to go into reactions and obsessive thinking I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that I am just fucking with myself so as to find ways to charge myself up within and as energy.  And I realize, that I do not need to participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions to solve problems, but rather I just remain here as the breath as the physical in every moment of breath.