Day 28 -- Feeling the Heat

A certain person told me that I did not handle a certain situation the right.  When she said this to me, I immediately began to defend myself because I felt that she was being completely over-the-top with her ‘perfectionist commentary’ regarding how to ‘handle’ certain situations.  I saw her point of view as unreasonable, in other words; and I let her know this indirectly.

 

So, I happened to be going to lunch right after this event, and so I subsequently walked out of her presence, and on my walk to lunch I could not stop thinking about the situation.

 

Worry overtook me as I was concerned that she may actually hold this conversation against me in some way, of which I could suffer adverse consequences.  Wow, and really it was nothing that would deserve an extreme consequence, but nevertheless, for at least another 20 minutes I was thinking compulsively about this situation.

 

I was thinking how I could have handled myself better, and I was rehearsing this altercation over and over again, in my mind, as if I could change the past. 

 

I was also thinking about how I was justified in my actions and should not have to suffer any consequences and that she shouldn’t have made the complaint in the first place.

 

I would go in and out of my head thinking and then catching myself and then breathing.  But when I would start breathing, fear overtook me as if I could not allow myself to just breathe and be here because I needed to think more in order for me to protect myself from potential harm, even though I knew there wasn’t any legitimate reason to be concerned.

 

I was thinking so much, that I ‘tipped’ the lady taking my lunch order at a place that doesn’t take tips.  I just added a dollar to my credit card receipt without even noticing it.  The lady was like “what’s this for?”  I was like, “uh, you can keep it”!  And she laughed, and I laughed, not only at the humor in this but at myself for being so mind-possessed.

 

From about that time, I got a hold of myself and was able to start breathing again and stop my thoughts, or at least stop thinking about this.

 

A couple of interesting points stand out:

 

1.     I saw myself as ‘right’ and in no need of correction and therefor reacted defensively to this person instead of just remaining here in the breath in oneness and equality with her as me and just simply breathing. 

2.     Not only did I see this person’s point of view as unreasonable in this situation, I tend to think it unreasonable in a lot of situations and so therefore I immediately acted in a bit of anger/annoyance towards her at the moment I heard her complain.

3.     I could not stop thinking for 20 to 30 minutes after this event.  I was thinking compulsively, in fear, as if to take ‘control’ of this situation or change it in order to protect myself.  I actually feared that by ‘not thinking’ something bad might happen to me –so within that I was thinking about this event over and over again as if I could change it, or see some point that would ‘set me free’ within this event – and also I was thinking about how ‘wrong’ this other person was. 

4.     I was hardly paying attention, I was thinking so much.  I was possessed with fear and even regret.

 

Ok, so I got it out.  I will continue soon…