I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at the fact that I received emails of orders that I did not know why they were generated and no one would let me know.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that these
orders might actually cost me money, and within that I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing money.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the
thought that ‘I have a right to break-down into an emotional outburst of anger
because the potential ‘harm to me’ that could come from the situation was too
great for me to bear’.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is
only ‘so much adversity that I can bear’ and beyond that I therefore allow
myself to break down into an emotional basket-case.
I
forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand
that if there is only so much that I can bear, then I am in fact living as
multiple personalities that come about depending on the external stimulus in my
reality and completely subject to my environmental conditions, and I am not
living therefore as the directive principle of me as oneness and equality as stability
in every breath.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, in that
moment, that I would not be able to handle the unresolved possibility of having
orders, that I did not generate, cost me money, over the weekend, and that
because I could not handle it and ‘should not have to handle it’ I chose to
allow myself to break-down into an emotional outburst of anger and rage.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the
emotional reaction of fear to the possibility of my ‘losing’ money because of
orders that I did not place; and within that I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the emotion
of ‘anger’ at the fact that I received a bunch of orders for items that I did
not place and was not notified as to why and no one answered the phone when I
called to ask.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself and
breath in the very moment that I saw myself going into fear and anger – in
other words, I actually made the choice to accept and allow myself to go into
emotional reactions of fear and anger; and within this I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotional reactions of
fear and anger.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional
reaction of anger to the thought that ‘I should have been notified as to why I
was getting these mysterious orders’.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the emotion
of anger towards the individual at this manufacturer because she was not doing
what I would think is the appropriate thing in this situation which is to call
me and let me know what is going on; and within that I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allow myself to use the fact that she apparently violated my
personal ethics code as a reason for me to become angry and act out in rage,
yelling ‘fuck this’ and ‘what the fuck’
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from
this person and from others by imposing my ‘code of ethics’ upon her as a point
of pride and arrogance within the fact that I saw her as ‘less than me’ because
she did not behave within my pre-defined code, and within that I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand
that my emotional outburst was a way of my acting out my feeling of ‘superiority’
to her.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, in that moment
because of the out-play of the situation, ‘superior’ to the woman who sent me
these mysterious orders, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to act out in anger as a way to express my wrath upon her as
being my inferior.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the
polarity manifestation of the mind of ‘superiority’ and ‘inferiority’, and
within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to
see, realize, and understand that my feeling of ‘superiority’ because of my
having a ‘code of ethics’ that is ‘so righteous’ is rooted in an actual
belief/feeling of inferiority.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotional
construct of inferiority, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to cover that with ‘self-righteous’ acts and beliefs instead
of addressing the feeling of inferiority head-on with self-forgiveness and
corrective application.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional
outburst of rage and anger even though it will do nothing to resolve the
situation at all, and even though I knew this at the time and willingly chose
to accept and allow myself to react.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control
of my environment within the possibility of ‘losing money’ against my will and
against all my efforts.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of my
participation in the feeling of losing control, go into the emotional reaction
of fear and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to participate in the thought that I am not able to handle ‘potentially losing
money’ for an entire 2 days, over the weekend, without knowing what the outcome
will be.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to
this event instead of remaining here in and as the breath in every moment.
To
be continued…
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