Day 25 - Outburst of Anger, Part 1

Yesterday, about an hour before I was to leave work and go home for the day and the weekend, received emails of orders from one of my manufacturers of items that I did not order.  I received four emails one after another while I was on the phone taking a credit card from another customer and trying my hardest to wrap up the day. 

When the phone call ended I checked my emails and saw that they were orders that cost money and that there was no explanation for these orders nor had I placed any.  I tried calling the manufacturers rep that I usually talk to and she did not answer the phone.  I figured that she probably went home as she usually does at this hour.  And I still had to make a phone call to another customer before the end of the day which now was just minutes away.

This is crazy because one minute everything is under control and the next minute I have all these orders coming into my email that cost money that I did not place and I have no explanation for them nor can I talk to anyone about them because my contact point had gone home right after she sent the emails.  And when I realized that this was the case, in that moment rage and anger overtook me.  I became seriously pissed off and yelled out loud a few times things like ‘what the fuck!” ‘Fuck this fucking shit!” 

I called the manufacturer in a rage a few times in a row knowing that my contact point would not answer because she went home which pissed me off even more because of the fact that she would do something like this and then leave for the day and not even let me know what this is about. 

 

To my surprise, someone else answered the phone after a few calls in.  I was still pissed to all hell and could hardly contain myself, but managed to speak to this person without cussing but very fast and very intense and very loud.  This person informed me that she believes there was a computer error and that I should have nothing to worry about but that she wasn’t sure because the person I normally do talk to actually did go home as I suspected.

At this, I cooled off, because I actually had a form of confirmation of what I was suspecting all along.  I was actually thinking that this probably was the case or something like this at least. 

This is so interesting because I was here watching myself go through this whole rage scenario and actually making decisions to participate in this emotional outburst because I felt justified in doing so because:

1.     This person at the manufacturer should have contacted me

2.     I did not want to worry over an entire weekend whether or not I had a bunch of orders in progress = bills and expenses without resolution

3.     This person at the manufacturer obviously is more concerned about getting off work than sticking around to let me know what is going on and why she would send me a bunch of orders, so I was pissed at her for being inconsiderate and unprofessional.

4.     I feared that I might be receiving a bunch of bills and wanted immediate resolution to this problem and could not get it.  So, fear of losing money.

5.     I felt out of control of my situation and angry about not being able to find a way to resume control within the fact that I could not get an explanation for the mysterious orders coming into my email.

After writing these reasons for my breaking down, it actually seems pretty silly, and luckily no one was around so no one heard me while I was in my rage.

Ok, so I let myself go into anger and rage while I was there watching myself but choosing to not direct myself to stop and breathe.  And also this is interesting because it came out of nowhere, like I was just cool as can be and then bam – pissed to all hell.

Self-forgiveness to follow.