My
mother was really concerned. I believe
that she may have been more concerned than we were because in her time, a 104.5
degree temperature was a definite trip to the hospital or doctor. However, my partner and I were confident that
a 106 degree temperature was the trigger point and everything else seemed
manageable, so we did not take him in.
My
mom left the birthday party really concerned, however. The next evening, Sunday, Alex’s fever was
stubbornly at 104.5 degrees, so Amy and I decided to take him into the doctor
the next day. I called my mom that evening,
Sunday, to let her know as a courtesy because she was so concerned.
Monday
morning, at around 10 a.m. my mom called.
As soon as I saw her number on the caller ID I began to become defensive
because I knew why she was calling. I
knew she was calling to ask how the doctor’s trip was. I became upset before even answering the
phone because of memories in the past when my mom is very forceful that I take
her advice wherein she follows-up relentlessly to ensure that I do what she
recommends. I was also, frustrated with
the fact that she hadn’t even given me the whole day to call. It was 10am or so in the morning and not much
can be accomplished by then anyway.
So,
then I answered her call and her first words were: “hi, how’s Alex?” I immediately became defensive at hearing
these words. I not only became defensive
from the question she asked, I became defensive from the way she asked it – her
way of asking ‘how’s Alex’ as if there is some sort of huge life or death
emergency where everyone is so concerned and holding on to their sanity by a
tiny thread all depending on what the doctors say about Alex’s dire
condition. This is what her voice
tonality communicated to me.
This
question from her being, in my mind, pre-mature, unnecessary, overbearing, and inappropriately
too intense was a trigger point from where I allowed myself to go into defense
and attack personality towards my mom. I
spoke to her passive aggressively in that I did not yell or speak harshly, but
I did speak condescendingly and short to her and she picked-up on it and then
we got in a big fight on the phone and she hung-up on me. She then would not talk to me for at least a
week and if I did talk to her it was brief and from that point she acted as if
she did not care what happened to Alex.
Points
that triggered reactions within me:
1.
Just having my mom be ‘overly’ concerned at the birthday
party triggering memories of times past when she was overbearing
2.
Seeing my mom’s phone number on my phone triggering memories
of times past when she was over-bearing and also triggering the thought that
she ‘shouldn’t be calling so soon.’
3.
Hearing my mom ask ‘how’s Alex?’ in a very overly concerned
way which triggered me to go into a passive aggressive personality towards my
mom wherein I spoke down to her.
Reactions
to trigger point:
1.
When my mom was over for the birthday and was acting
concerned about Alex:
a.
I was thinking to myself that ‘she tends to overdramatize
things’
b.
and that ‘will probably be making sure that we do everything
that she says’ because of past memories of her doing so
c.
I was annoyed with her
2.
When I saw her number on my phone on Monday:
a.
I thought to myself ‘her she goes again with her being
overbearing and obtrusive’
b.
I thought ‘how dare she, can’t she let me handle my business
without making sure that I do it’
c.
I thought that ‘she isn’t even giving me enough time to go to
the doctor and actually see what is going on’
d.
Emotionally, I became slightly angry and frustrated with her
by just seeing her number on my phone
3.
When I heard her ask “how’s Alex?”
a.
I became passive aggressive and spoke condescendingly and
short towards her
b.
I reacted to the tone of her voice because I judged it to be
too ‘intense’ for the situation and even to be a bit silly considering that
Alex just had a fever.
c.
Because I judged her tone of voice to be a bit silly, I
became cynical in my tone and words to her as well.
d.
Her questioning ‘how’s Alex’ just hours into the morning that
I was supposed to take Alex to the doctor caused me to think that she is
overbearing – it also brought-up memories of past events where I had also
judged her to be overbearing and I became angry and frustrated at that too.
Self-Forgiveness:
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my ‘mother being
over-concerned with Alex’s condition’ act as a trigger point for me to go into
frustration and anger towards my mother.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my ‘mother being
over-concerned with Alex’s condition’ act as a trigger point for me to access
memories of past times where I judged her to be over-concerned regarding the
physical condition of me or my children and within that I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts like ‘oh god, here
we go again’ and ‘she’s going to just become over-bearing towards me again’
towards my mother because of my reaction to memories of her doing this in the
past.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed seeing my mother’s phone number
on my phone the next morning after I just talked to her about my plan to take
Alex to the doctor to be a trigger point for me to go into thoughts like ‘oh
god, here we go again’, ‘she is going to make certain that I do everything that
she says, and ‘she is so over the top and overly concerned’ and within that I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mom as
silly.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed seeing my mother’s phone number
on my phone the next morning after I just talked to her about my plan to take
Alex to the doctor to be a trigger point for me to start reacting to her call
in anger and in frustration.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed hearing my mom ask ‘how’s Alex’
in a tone of voice that I judged to be silly and a bit ridiculous to act as a
trigger point for me to go react in the emotions of anger and frustration when
talking to my mom.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mom’s tone
of voice, when asking ‘how’s Alex’, as silly and ridiculous and within that, in
that moment, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the tone of my
mom’s voice to act as a trigger point for me to go into a reaction of anger and
frustration towards her.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed hearing my mom ask ‘how’s Alex’
in a specific tone of voice that I judged in that moment as silly and
ridiculous to act as a trigger point for me to access memories of times in the
past when I judged my mother to be overbearing and forceful in regards to
making sure that I take her advice.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my mom’s
over-concern at Alex’s birthday party with thoughts that my mother is
overbearing and too forceful with her opinions and advice on matters.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to in
frustration towards my mother from just seeing her phone number on my phone the
next morning.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger
towards my mother from just seeing her phone number on my phone the next
morning after I talked to her.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and
frustrations towards my mother because of memories of her being over-bearing
and controlling in the past that I accessed as soon I saw here phone number on
my phone.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother as
silly and ridiculous as a reaction to hearing her tone of voice while asking
the questions ‘how’s Alex?”
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a
passive-aggressive personality in reaction to my mother calling me on the phone
to ask how is was doing.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of
my mother being over-bearing and within that I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to react towards my mother in a passive-aggressive
manner because of the trigger-point of her calling me which brought up those
memories.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a personality
of cynicism towards my mother as reaction to her calling me the next day to ask
‘how’s Alex?’
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of
my mother where I judged her to be over-bearing, and the to react to her in
frustration, anger, and cynicism as soon as it seemed that she was being
over-bearing again.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to react
to her in anger, frustration, and cynicism as a way to punish her for being
over-bearing; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to justify to myself going into a reaction/personality of anger,
frustration, and cynicism because I ‘need to get the point across to her’.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react passive-aggressively
towards my mother when she called to ask ‘how’s Alex’ because of my holding
resentment towards her for her concern for me which I defined as over-bearing.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards my
mother’s concern for me with anger and frustration because I fear that I have
no other way to stop her from being overbearing and that if I don’t react then
she will just keep doing it.
Self-Corrective
Statements:
When
and as I see myself judging my mother’s actions as ‘over-bearing’ and then
going into thoughts that ‘she is so over-bearing’ and ‘oh, god, here we go
again’, and ‘she just doesn’t know when to stop and bud-out’, I stop and I
breathe. I do not accept and allow
myself to go into thoughts and thought patterns and internal dialog/backchat
when my mother becomes overbearing because I see, realize, and understand that
participating in these thoughts just charges a larger system of defense within
and as me as my mind, and is not really a solution to this situation. Instead, when my mother begins to go into
what I have defined as ‘overbearing’ I stop and I breathe and listen to
hers. I then proceed to address her
concerns in a practical matter-of-fact manner and then, if the situation
permits, I let her know gently that I am handling the situation and please just
allow me to let you (her) know when new developments arise.
When
and as I see myself going into reactions of anger, frustration, and cynicism
when I see a trigger point of my mother’s phone number on my phone or when my
asks ‘how’s Alex’ in an overly concerned voice, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow reactions of anger,
frustration, and cynicism towards my mother when she behaves in ways that I
have defined as ‘overbearing’ and ‘silly’ because I see, realize, and
understand that reacting to behaviors that other beings participate in that I
have defined as ‘overbearing’ or ‘silly’ does not serve any practical purpose
whatsoever. Instead, I stop
participating in all thoughts, feelings, and emotions that come up in reaction
to such trigger points and breathe until I am clear here. I then go on to speak what is necessary to
address the situation at hand and also let my mother know where I stand from a
standpoint of being here in oneness and equality and what is best for all.
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