Day 29 - Worry

In the last post, there are a few points that come up, but the one that really seems to be at the fore point is worry.  I have always been prone to worry.  In recent years, I worry far less than I used to; however I tend to become very worried still at times.  In fact it seems to come in waves. 

For instance, last Friday, when the event noted in this last post occurred, I was consumed with worry for about 20 minutes or so, and then later that same day I was worried about another situation.  In this new situation, things were actually good, and I was worried that the good things that seemed to be happening may not happen.  I was going over the event in my mind meticulously for 20 or 30 minutes constantly rehearsing this new event as well.  I was worried that the good outcome that this event seemed to have would not actually happen.

 

When I worry, I get locked-in to my mind, I guess one can say.  It is hard for me to hear what others are saying and pay attention.  I even worry in short blasts here and there.  Like during a conversation, I might drift-off worrying about something, and then tune back in and miss half of what someone said.  I have developed a way of ‘acting’ like I hear someone and filling in the blanks so that I don’t always have to ask questions to gather information that I tuned out on. 

 

Like I said, I have gotten way better at listening and being here over the years, but still have this problem every now and then I am just lost in worry.

 

I am not mentioning any names or depicting the recent events that I was worrying about because I really don’t think it matters so much and also I would like to keep a little anonymity here.  The real issue is the worry, which can come about for many reasons, but the number one reason has to do with money and fear of losing or not making enough money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about losing money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not making enough money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the prospect of me losing money to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the prospect of not making enough money to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself connect any adverse consequence that I can imagine to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate-in and compulsively rehearse past events in my mind within a state of worry as if that can solve problems.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that worrying will solve my problems.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I stop thinking about something, the worst might happen.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of fear to the thought of the worst happening and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future where I am going over all kinds of ‘solutions’ to try and stop the ‘worst’ from happening to me rather than remaining right here within and as the breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that thinking and projecting myself into the future within the pictured reality of my mind where I am ‘solving’ all kinds of ‘potential’ problems will keep me from experiencing the worst case scenario.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of fear to the thought and potential reality that I may lose money; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear to possess me and drag me into my own mental realm where I am trying to find ways to solve all my problems while existing in and as my mind instead of just being here and breathing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compulsively go over past events in my mind as if I can change the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to think about past events over and over again in order to feel comfortable and not afraid that the outcome of a particular event may affect me adversely.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not think compulsively about a past event and a ‘positive’ future outcome of a past event, that I may experience hardship.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that while I am in my mind thinking about the past and imaging the future, I am trapped in the polarity of past and future within and as my mind, generating friction and thus energy, in an attempt to control my reality through thinking which is impossible.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become trapped in the past and in the future within a state of worry and fear within my own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the friction caused by being trapped in this polarity of past and future requires energy which is derived from my physical body and thereby depletes it.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the energy required for me to participate in compulsive thoughts, feelings, and emotions of fear is derived directly from my physical body which suffers damage as a result.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in my mind in worry and fear to the extent that I am not here and not able to pay attention to what is going on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become directed by the belief that I hold that ‘if I stop thinking and worrying and fearing’ then the ‘worst-case scenario’ might happen to me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought ‘that I cannot stop thinking of the past and the future because otherwise I might not be able to find a solution to my problem”.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give-in to the resistance that I have to breathing and being here due to fear of harm and fear of loss of money and fear of not thinking.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my mind and by fear while being trapped in my mind and seeing that I am trapped and realizing that I need to stop my mind, yet still participating in thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to fear and then abdicate all self-responsibility to my mind consciousness system as if it were a big daddy/parent figure taking care of me through its fear-based reaction response programming while I sit in the back-seat and watch and even participate in it as it becoming it rather than remaining here as life as the breath as the directive principle of me.