Day 292 - SF and CSC on the Law of Attraction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that thinking positive is a solution to the 'negative' things that I face.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the law of attraction and thinking positive is based upon drawing resources and positive experiences to self regardless of the consequences to others and completely irrespective of others.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that resources are indeed limited and thus when I draw resources to myself, through the law of attraction, that these resources are coming form others regardless of whether they have enough for themselves and regardless of any adverse consequences they may face as a result of having resources taken from them.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that positive thinking is based on a polarity equation, where I have judged myself or my circumstances as 'negative' and then within that, created the desire, within and as myself, to experience myself as 'positive' as the solution.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand positive and negative to do not actually exist in the physical reality of what is here and that my experience of myself as positive or negative is completely my own creation - and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck with myself through judging my life, my and my circumstances as positive or negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to winding up on the streets, broke and poor. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to being seen as a 'looser' by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through money, wherein I have defined myself as a 'looser' compared to anyone who makes more money than me; and I have defined myself as a 'winner' only when and as I am making tons of money, of which has never happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with others in order to make the most money and have the best life just so that I can feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-worth within and as the amount of money and thus success that I have; wherein the more money I make, the more self-worth I have.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my confidence to my misplaced self worth, wherein, the more money that I have equals more self worth which equals more self-confidence.  Thus, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need more money in order to have more confidence and self-worth.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that because I have placed my self-worth and my self confidence in the amount of money that I can make compared to others, that this puts my in the eternal mind-fuck of always trying to attain something so that I can be proven valuable and 'worthy', when in fact, I have totally fucked with myself because my value is already here, within who I am as the physical or life - where I am equal with all as me.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to attain my self-worth through making money through the 'law of attraction' wherein through this, I am completely self-consumed with only the self-interest of balancing the polarity equation that I created in my own mind in separation from what is here with complete disregard for the adverse affects to others that the law of attraction causes.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that for their to be winners, there must be losers; within this I have not allowed myself to consider that for there to be big winners, such as super wealthy people, there must be big losers and lot's of them to support the big winners, such as billions of people starving in Africa, because their are only so much resources available.

I forgive myself that I have no allowed myself to consider that resources are indeed limited, and thus they must come from somewhere and that they just don't magically appear in my possession with no consequences to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that if we had a system that was best for all, where all life was treated with dignity within the point that all life at equal access to resources and no one was abused for the benefit of another, that within this, no one would ever have any need for the law of attraction.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the law of attraction is nothing more than an over-done survival mechanism within the current system of survival of the fittest and winner takes all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the law of attraction is necessary for survival, when in fact, all that is necessary is disciplined self movement to always be responsible to participate in the work force as effectively as possible within the current system as it is through practically moving self to do what is demanded of self with no energies, positive or negative moving self.

I commit myself to breathe and direct myself here as the physical and as the breath to do what is practical and best for all to ensure my survival and success within this economic system as it is now free of any positive or negative energies.

When and as I see myself going into the judgment and comparison characters, where I compare myself to others and their 'success' and then judge myself as less than and unworthy, I stop and I breathe; I do not accept and allow judgment and comparison to exist within and as me.  Instead, I remind myself that everyone and everything that is here is really me and a reflection of what I am really living within and as myself.  Thus, I commit myself to seek understanding / self-understanding to all that I react to; and through this self-understanding, release myself from the reactions of fear, anxiety, and feeling less worthy than others.  And I definitely commit myself to no longer over-compensate for my self-created inferiorities through participating in the 'magical' thinking of positive thinking and the law of attraction, but instead commit myself to face my inferiorities so as to release them from me altogether so that I can contribute to society with all that I have as life and as the physical where I move within the principle of what is best for all.

 

Day 291 - On the law of attraction

The law of attraction is like a form of positive thinking wherein one believes that thinking positive will attract what one desires into one's life.  People often use this to become rich, and believe themselves to be helping humanity at the same time as beacons of light and love.  There is evidence that the law of attraction works.  Some people do seem to become rich who use this technique, and they seem pretty happy about it. 

But, what if the Law of Attraction really works?  If it does, then does that make it a practical tool that anyone can use?  And where does the money come from that those using this technique are attracting to themselves?  This, is what is not considered by most. 

You see, if you investigate where the money comes from, the hands and lives that it has passed through to finally find its way into your bank account, you can see the hard-ship, and the abuses of the planet, the animals, and humans that is required to generate and create that money in the first place.  I mean, the money did not just magically appear in your bank account just because you willed it their through the Law of Attraction, right? 

What we fail to consider is that the law of attraction is used to draw unlimited amounts of money into one's possession within a limited system.  For instance, not everyone can be winners, right?  I mean, for the to be billionaires, there must be poor people to support them for there is only so much money, so many resources, and someone has to do the 'dirty' work that those with money would rather pay someone who does not have money to do.

So, let's say you used the law of attraction to become rich.  Do you ask or consider where the money came from, who or what may have been abused to help create the money, and the overall needs of others?  No, we do not consider these things.  I mean, we may have a fleeting thought about these things, but the point is that the money is in your account and that is it.  It really does not matter the evil that may have been required to get it their, especially if one is not directly participating in it. 

Furthermore, most people cannot even use the law of attraction / positive thinking to generate any real benefits in their lives.  There are only certain beings, with specific mental properties that can use this positive thinking / law of attraction to actually obtain any real benefits.  The rest of us, just have to fend for ourselves and hope for the best.  And guess what? Because the rest of us cannot apply the law of attraction in our lives, then that reduces the competition in the market place allowing those who can use the law of attraction to become even more rich. 

So, let's say you have all this money, and you think positive, and life is good, and you are out there teaching others how to do the same, can you within self honesty, really say that you are doing any good at all?  I mean, all you are really doing is sucking up all the resources while using and abusing this earth and the beings in it to help create your financial empire.  And you may not even give it a thought within the justification that you made it happen and others can do the same - but they really can't, and you know that because if they could they would and you would no longer be the big shot winner.  Do you really honestly believe that people want to live in poverty?  Do you really honestly believe that people don't work as hard as you?  The hardest workers are actually, often-times, the hardest working - it is just that they didn't have that special 'twinkle in their eye', that 'golden goose - mind-set' that you just happened to be born with that allows them to get rich through thinking positive like you.

So, positive thinking is actually the ultimate evil in that through positive thinking one is ignoring the reality that is here on the ground of millions and even billions of suffering beings serving the very few that have the ability to get rich through the law of attraction / thinking positive.  Thinking positive ignores the dark side of the equation - the evil that is perpetuated on the planet to support those that are rich.  I mean, if we all really shared this planet equally, as equals, then resources would be shared equally and no one would starve or suffer. 

And I am not talking about sharing your 'wealth' like in some kind of communist manifesto.  I am just pointing out that if your positive thinking and law of attraction were really so wonderful, then either everyone would be able to apply it equally, which is not the case; or it would benefit all equally as a natural outflow.  I mean isn't that positive?  Isn't it rather negative to have billions suffer while just a few are living their dreams come true through positive thinking?  I mean, what are you really contributing to society as a positive thinker?

The answer is nothing at all.  All positive thinkers do is take, take, and take without any consideration for where anything comes from.  The money that winds up in your account can come from slaves, abused animals, or a destroyed earth, it does not matter and so long as one is using the law of attraction to gain money, then there is no way to avoid the suffering of others because the law of attraction does not consider the suffering of others as part of the equation.

Rather, the law of attraction is more like a form of magic or wich-craft, where one draws things to self through holding a mind-set with absolutely no regard for others or where anything comes from thus causing, as an outflow of consequence, an extremely negative world for the rest of us all.

Another point on the law of attraction is: why do we resort to such thinking anyway?  I mean, if one consciously applies positive thinking, does that not imply that one's starting point is negative or that this existence is negative?  I mean, if things were already best for all, then why would anyone with any sanity resort to such thinking as it would be completely un-necessary.  So, within that, what are you doing for everyone else through your positive thinking?  And are you not actually contributing to the suffering of us all within the point that your are selfishly directing resources to yourself with no regard for others or the consequences to others to have those resources wind up in your bank account?

And isn't positive thinking also based on fear?  I mean, isn't positive thinking and the law of attraction used to gather as much resources to self as possible in order to avoid being poor, broke, or a looser?  If you had no fear, would you need to think positive, or would you just do what is practical to ensure your survival in this system as it is now as well as ensure that when you leave this world it will be a better place for all wherein one day all will equally be able to enjoy the fruits of this earth that gives to us all equally?

So, the law of attraction is very negative. 

Day 290 - Do you have strong kung fu?

I just finished watching a Netflix original series, Marco Polo, of which I found thoroughly entertaining.  I do not know if it is historically accurate or not, but that does not matter to me because, for one, history is just 'his-story' and thus who knows what really happened, and also because I am not watching it for a history lesson anyway. 

In one of the episodes, Marco Polo, who is a westerner from Venice Italy, given to the Emperor Kublai Khan to be his man-servant by his own father against his will, is being trained in the arts of Kung Fu, as per the order of the Emperor.  That's not so bad for slave, right? 

Anyway, in one of the lessons, Marco's instructor, a blind and totally awesome kung fu fighting machine, went on to explain to Marco that kung fu is not  limited to just martial arts.  His instructor, who's name I forgot, went on to explain to Marco that Kung Fu is anything that you dedicate yourself to with everything that you have, where you do it every day for hours a day, with repetition, until you perfect that what you do. 

This, made me excited because I was like thinking about process, and what it means to really stop the mind and what it really means to gradually and then finally step in and take one's place as the director of self, where the mind no longer has any power or control over self.  And within this, I realized, that stopping the mind is like a form of kung fu.  It takes dedication, with all that one has, where one dedicates him/her self daily within the self application of meticulously going through every single thought and mind construct that exists within self; and then, through self reflection, self-honesty, self commitments, and then finally self application through repetition - where one repeats the newly formed self commitments and scripts over and over again until finally one acts naturally as the director of self.

Also, the character Chancellor Chin Han, the Chancellor of the Song Dynasty in China who played the antagonist / evil villain character, he too had strong kung fu.  He practiced Praying Mantas Kung Fu, of which had the virtues of the praying mantas such as patience, deception, calmness, and strikingly fast when finally attacking; and of which I am also highly fascinated with.  Chancellor Han, like the mantas, never flinched, was patient to always wait for the right opportunities, was skilled in crafting illusions, and would strike lethally when necessary, until his dying breath where Han was executed by Kublai Khan after his defeat.  Han, although an evil villain, was a remarkable character in that he never reacted to any news, no matter how bad, and always remain calm and poised, until the bitter end.  This was part of Chin Han's kung fu.   The art of always being here, breathing, stable, and poised under any and all circumstances. 

And this will be my kung fu.

I commit myself and dedicate myself to a life long process of self application where I will meticulously go through every point where I exist in the mind, sort it out in all of its details, forgive it, re-script myself, and then apply my realizations through repetition until it becomes my living nature to always be here, clear, poised, and un-reactive, and breathing, no matter what I face or what my circumstances are. 

Do you wish to have strong kung fu too?  Then walk with me on this same journey.   And let's lethally execute the mind that has been possessing us for all this time.

Day 289 - Self Trust, IV

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that self trust is developed over time in every here breath, where I remain here and breathe and stand as my own support as the physical no matter what consequences I face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that quantum moment when I can decide to stand and breathe or react, that I go into self-doubt that breathing will not be 'enough' to see me through that what I face.  Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-trust in my reactions and thus my mind in that quantum moment where I decide to accept and allow myself to react instead of breathe, slow down, and direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in my reactions and energy and thus my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that reacting in fear, worry, and anxiety is completely un-necessary to aid and support me and will only work to abuse my physical body through using it as a battery to energize the mind reactions, which is actually a form of self-punishment.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand as self-trust, where I trust myself to be able to find the best possible solutions to what I face and protect me from what I face without any reactions or mind interference whatsoever - where I trust myself as my being ness, as the breath, and as the physical to be able to consider, move, and direct whatever is necessary to bring the most favorable resolution to what I face.

When and as I see myself in a fear, worry, stress, or anxiety reaction, and have the self presence to decide to either stop this reaction and breathe or accept and allow this reaction to embody, direct, and control me, I choose to breathe - I commit myself to stand up in that moment and take my directive power back by snapping myself out of this mind possession through saying "no, I breathe'; and remind myself that I am here to stand as self trust and as my own support through within and as the breath where I do not react and do not accept and allow myself to place my self trust in the coping mechanisms of worry, fear, and anxiety.  I commit myself to speak self forgiveness out loud if the social setting permits to help direct and release the fear, anxiety, and worry energy.  I commit myself to speak outloud in a calm, steady, slightly deep, and yet directive voice so as to use the sound resonance of my voice to help break-up and diffuse the energy of fear, worry, and anxiety.  I commit myself to remind myself that nothing of these reactions will help me in any way whatsoever.  I commit myself to use the practical tool of projection, to map out the worst possible scenarios and then find solutions and breathe through them so as to remain clear and un-reactive while walking all the worst case scenarios, no matter how potentially adverse the reality may actually be.  I commit myself to remind myself that when I stand as self trust, that means that I trust myself to be able to stand here and breathe and find the best possible solutions to what I face free of any mind energy to of which is completely unnecessary to aid and support me.

Day 288 – Self Trust to breathe through that what I fear, part 3

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to develop self trust, where I trust myself that I can stand be here and remain stable, breathing, and as my own support no matter what I face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fear, worry, and anxiety my ‘security blanket’, where I feel naked without it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to not reacting in fear and worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a limit to what I can stand and breath in and after that I let fear and worry take over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mind-possessed with fear and worry, wherein I have automated reactive mind patterns and back-chats playing out over and over again in my head, separating myself from what is here.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up, in the moment that I have a mind possession of fear and worry, and speak self-forgiveness out load in a calm stable and resonate voice that enables me to break the patterns that exist within and as my mind in those moments.  From here, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to speak self-forgiveness on all the thoughts of worry and fear that I participated in so that I can release them and not accept and allow them to accumulate into future mind possessions.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and dominated by my mind, against my will as the physical, because I have connect fear to standing up and have participated in the belief that I need this fear and worry to protect because within this belief, I can see that I have no self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I accept and allow fear, worry, and lack of self-trust, to accumulate within and as me / my mind, that this will contribute to a condition of perpetual nervousness and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by memories of my mother not having trust that I will be ‘ok’ to ride my bike as far as all my friends could when I was a boy.  Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take my mother’s worry and concern personally, where I believed that it was because of me, personally not being capable or deserving enough, to be able to ride my bike as far as my friends could at the same age when I was a boy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by memories of my mother always seeming worried and frantic, in my memory as a child, where I modeled after her to always handle myself in the same exact way – through fear and worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by memories of my father ‘disappearing’ mysteriously when I was about 5; wherein, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take that personally, where I believed that it was my fault and that there must be something wrong with me as to why he disappeared.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, as a consequence of taking my father’s disappearance personally, to never have any real self trust nor any self confidence because I had already lost my father when all my friends seemed to have theirs.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that real self-trust is developed when and as one stands and breathes and supports self to remain stable, as the breath and as the physical, consistently over time – where after enough time, one can look back and see and verify through experience that self has the ability to stand through anything.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remain stable and breathe on all points that I have faced in my process thus far – thus contributing and sustaining my pre-existing condition of lack of self-trust, because I can see that I have not been there for myself on all points in the past.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to create self-trust within and as myself through the application of remaining here as the physical and breathing through all that I face in my physical reality and also in my reacting energetic mind reality.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a self trust, within and as myself, that I can stand and breathe through anything and that I have the ability to always find and walk the best possible solution.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step into the expectation character, where I expect that the best solution is always a free ticket out of any danger that I face, but it is not – the best solution is just the best solution – it does not mean that I do not have to face consequences.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to consequences and to believe that fear can mitigate consequence, when it cannot.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply apply the practical solution, to the adversities and challenges that I face, of using my mind to compare, project, and analyze all possible outcomes of an event or situation to find the best possible solution; then from there, use my mind to both imagine and walk with myself through the worst possible outcome and the best possible outcome – breathing within stability within both and releasing through forgiving any fear, despair, or worry that comes up on the worst case, and also releasing through forgiving and breathing any hope, excitement, and anticipation that comes up on the best case scenario – where I remain stable no matter the outcome, positive or negative.  From there, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ‘put the matter to bed’ when and as I have used my mind and sorted out all the potentials and my practical solution for what I face - where I simple stop thinking about it, and instead apply myself with the physical practical solution and simply breathe.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I continue obsessing about a situation that I have already sorted out, that this indicates that I lack the self-trust that I have indeed sorted out the situation properly and that I can indeed stand through anything that I face. 

Day 287 – Self Trust, part 2

So, to sum up the last writing, perhaps I don’t trust myself to be able to stand and direct what comes my way, and thus this lack of self trust triggers the coping mechanisms of fear, anxiety, worry, and nervousness to come to my rescue as my security blanket – wherein I fear not having my blanket.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in circumstances, events, and people all outside of myself, where I hope that things will work out and incessantly think of ways that I might be able to bend my reality into something that would be best for me, through the mind solution of worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the solution of hope, where I hope for the best and despair the worst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the negative energies of despair and dread, where I dread and despair the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the future and what the future might hold.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I cannot control the future no matter how much I worry about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to incessantly worry about the future and about the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn myself over the past and things that I have said and done in the past that may come back to bite me in the ass.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that part of the reason that I fret over the past, and the way that I conducted myself in the past, is because I was not here breathing in the past where I move myself as my own directive awareness free of any mind energy.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I accept and allow myself to be moved by energy, that as a consequence of this I am not here making self-directive decisions that are best for all.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I were here, slowing down, moving myself from the starting point of me here as the physical and the breath, that I would always be moving myself to do what is best for all and most practical and thus would have very little to worry about.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that worry indicates to me that I have not been breathing and self-directing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that self-trust is built breath-by-breath with me here in every breath – this is where self trust starts – where I trust myself because I have always been here in every breath, thus I can trust myself.

To be continued….

Day 286 – Self Trust

I have had a lot of nervous energy recently.  Nervous energy driven by fear of the future, fear of loss, and fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstood, and fear of what might happen in the future.  This nervous and fear energy, I have observed, to like run from one point to another, endlessly.  So, like, I get fixated on one point and worry and fret over it until it is resolved, and then I move to the next point doing the same thing.  So, like, I am starting to wonder if this is just fear, nervousness, and worry, that is generating for some other reason than the outward points – and that may explain why this energy is more like a constant that just gets fixating on a point as like an excuse or justification for it to exist in the first place. 

 

So, then, what is my relationship to fear, worry, and nervous energy?  I remember that I have been this way going all the way back to early childhood.  Like, I just get consumed by fear and worry and then get nervous as a consequence.  This fear, worry, and nervousness are like a coping mechanism that I created to ‘help’ protect me, I guess, from any possible harm or bad experience.  Fear, worry, and nervousness have always been the dark hole that I craw into to protect me from the outside world.  I have accepted and allowed this energy to consume me to a point being completely separated from others and what is going on in my immediate environment.

I have actually had major break-throughs in my recent history wherein I have been able to ‘contain’ and thus probably suppress this fear, worry, and nervous energy.  This is so because I see it for what it is now, just energy, but yet because it re-emerges, this indicates to me that I have suppressed it, rather than fully release it.  And so, over the past couple of weeks, these energy reactions have been rather intense and constant, moving from one point (potential problem) to the next; and the fact that this fear, worry, and nervousness moves from one point to the next and has been remaining rather constant, indicates to me that there is probably another underlying point that is driving these energies other than the ‘issues’ on the surface. 

So, what is the underlying condition, the common denominator?  I mean, if I haven’t been clear enough, what I’ve been experiencing is fear, worry, and then nervousness directed at a certain point, and then when that point resolves, almost instantly this fear, worry, and nervousness is directed towards another point – and then this happens again.  Well, another common denominator is that all this fear, worry, and nervousness is directed at one individual I am doing business with on multiple projects.  So, it’s like, I have fear, worry, nervousness on one project, and then as soon as that one resolves (and it always resolves good), then I move to the next one to worry, fear, and get nervous about.  Ok, so I have changed directions here a bit in this writing.  I have just realized that this worry, fear, and nervousness are directed at one individual on multiple projects.  So, again, what is the common denominator(s), here?

Let’s see, for one, I fear that I will be misunderstood and thus perceived by X to be ‘under-handed’.  This is the word that comes to mind.  Yes, ‘under-handed’.  Now, I deal straight with X.  There is no practical reason for anyone to be accusing me of this.  Yet, this is one fear.  Another fear, is that X may be disappointed on some decisions we make together on cabinet and countertop selections for Xs various high-end homes, to the point that I also fear that X might get mad and blame me; and possibly X may not even want to pay me.  This is also, from a practical perspective, ridiculous.  The decisions we make are always mutual and I always have X sign off on them; furthermore, we have done 50 or so projects together over the years with probably a 1% disappointment rate, or in other-words, a 99% satisfaction rate.  And even in that 1% (or so), we always worked it out.  However, with this said, in one of my current projects with X, we made some selections that I did not have him sign-off on.  I broke my pattern here, and so I have a lot of regret, and fear of the potential consequences that may arise.   Now, there are other fears that are coming up not in relation to X, such as: fear of the company I work for going out of business because my sales are so slow for the first part of this year, so far. 

Then there are my own personal financial obligations that I fear not being able to keep up with if we were to go out of business.  Then there is a fear of, ‘if person X really does no longer do business with me, then with my other sales being slowed, we would definitely go out of business.’  So, the fear of our current business situation enhances the fears mentioned above towards person X.  However, there is not a lot practical evidence to suggest that we will go out of business at this point.  In fact, we have survived far worse circumstances than we are in now, and statistically speaking, it would not be too much to expect an up-tick in business in the near future.  To give background on the company that I work for, it is a family owned business where I am the only sales person.  The entire viability of that business has a lot to do with me.  So, there is a lot of ‘pressure’ that I experience as a consequence of that relationship.  The interesting this is, however, that this relationship is like a double-edged sword, because on the other side of the ‘coin’, there is the wonderful fact that as the ‘only’ sales person, I get all the leads generated from the store.  Nevertheless, I also have had fear and worry of the owners actually suing me if we go out of business because I fear them blaming me for if things go wrong.  This too, is a bit out there.  I mean, owners don’t typically sue workers in this current monetary system as it is set up; and further more, my relationship with the owners is good and they see that I am doing everything possible to ensure our business survives, and I am doing everything as a matter of fact.  And I am definitely not doing anything destructive for this business, either intentionally or unintentionally. 

So, what I am seeing here is a coping mechanism that I have created way back into my early childhood of fear and then worry and then anxiety and nervousness, like in that order.  I fear and fret the past, and then go into anxiety about the future and then nervousness as a consequence of the fear, fretting, and anxiety.  Then because I am conducting myself in nervousness, I start also fearing and fretting all my interactions with others while I am nervous.  This is actually merited at some level within the point that if I am acting in nervousness, then I really am more likely to be making mistakes and thus creating problems for myself.  So, then this just compounds and layers on top and then all these reactions intensify.

So, in the last few weeks, as it has become evident that our business is slowing down big-time right now, I have been reacting in a lot of fear, worry, anxiety, and nervousness towards all the possible ‘problems’ that could ‘seal my doom’ as my defensive protection measures, and I have been loosing a lot of sleep over it too.  In fact, my sleeping patterns are all fucked up right now and its been affecting my writings because I don’t have the time that I normally have due to my sleep patterns being all fucked up and also due to the fact that I have been wasting a lot of time worrying and fearing over stuff.

So, what is the underlying point that could link all this together going back all the way to early childhood?  Could it be self-trust?  Could it be that I do not trust myself to be able to find the best solution to whatever I face?  Could it be that I do not trust myself to be able to stand through any and all consequences that I may face?  Could it be that I do not have the self-trust to be confident that I always use the best words to be able to instill trust of myself in others?  Could it be that I do not trust myself to be able keep and sustain supportive relationships with others?  Could it be that I don’t trust myself to be honest with others, even though I am as far as I am concerned within my conscious awareness?  On that point, could it be that I am not honest with myself to myself and then I am projecting this distrust of myself onto others?  Could I have been, as a child, exposed to a circumstance that resulted in my not being able to trust myself?  The thing that comes up, within this point, is that my biological father ‘disappeared’ from my life when I was only 5.  From that point forward, I had a new adopted father.  I never understood his disappearance, until I was an adult.  Could this have created a lack of self-trust?  My mother, also, never allowed me to do all the things my friends were able to do at their age.  I had to be older, to ride my bike, down the street than the other kids because she was afraid I would get hit by a car, yet my friends parents all could ride their bikes – so, was there a lack of self-trust instilled in my there?  My mother was also very nervous, from my memory.  Did she teach me to act nervous to solve problems?  My first grade teacher told me that ‘I would never make it life.’  She really told me that!!! Fucking crazy thing to say to a 7 year old, right?!?  Could that have caused a lack of self-trust? Could there be a relationship to me being able to complete something, or stand on a point, or being able to direct myself and self trust?  I mean, have I not been directing myself and I know this at some level and thus I have limited self trust as a consequence?  And can this lack of self-trust be triggering fear, worry, anxiety, and nervousness as my defense mechanism and coping mechanism for what I face in life?

Day 285 – The ‘Don’t Waste My Time’ Character

I was at someone’s office the other day per his request to show me a way that I can make more money through Internet marketing.  The idea was great and the concept that he was communicating I already understood before the meeting took place per his prior phone explanation.  I was thinking that since he already conveyed the main point to me that our office meeting wouldn’t take that long.  Instead, I wound up waiting an hour for him at his office and then when we finally met, he went on and on about the same thing over and over again.  This got highly annoying to me.  I would roll my eyes when he wasn’t looking. 

So, then, I stated to notice all the reactions that I was having to this and then jotted down just enough so that I could remember this point to write about it.  So, here, I am.  Here is the SF.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed at the length of time that I had to endure while at X’s office.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped while at Xs office.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel controlled while at Xs office.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disrespected within the point that X was not ‘respecting my time.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for wasting my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into blame and frustration within and as my mind within and as my back-chat towards X in order to feel ‘better’ about being dis-respected, having my time ‘wasted’, and putting strain on me because of all the other responsibilities that I have to face for the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel strained and stressed due to all the other responsibilities that I have to face for the day and my time being ‘wasted’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my time can be wasted, and then react in anger and blame towards X for wasting my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not say anything and speak up for myself, where I step in and direct the situation and say ‘I am sorry, but I must move on now.’- because I did not want to ‘hurt’ Xs feelings or cause any discord between us; mainly because X was doing me a favor in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I ‘owe’ X my undivided time because he is doing me a ‘favor’, in that he is helping me with how I can also do some internet marketing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for wasting my time, when in fact this is only to hide the truth from myself that I am reacting in fear and bound by fear of making X feel bad if I were to stand up and say ‘I have to go now.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the idea of letting X know that I no longer have enough time for him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to roll my eyes at X when he was not looking.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that blaming, rolling my eyes, and being frustrated are all done to make myself ‘feel’ better and ‘empowered’ as a solution to feeling trapped, disrespected, and like my time is being wasted.  Thus, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to balance the scales of energy through blame and frustration, which creates the illusion of feeling empowered and like I am actually doing something about that what I am facing, which is the negative experience of feeling disrespected, and stressed about my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back-chat ‘my time is being wasted’, and any back-chat related to this point that.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that participating in back-chat like ‘it is Xs fault; he is wasting my time; why does he have to keep repeating himself, etc.’ only layers and accumulates to a point of emotional reaction – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in back-chat of which sets my up for emotional reactions when I can just stop, delete, breathe, and find practical solutions, instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within myself and my mind the ‘don’t waste my time character’ where I have a series of reactions all pre-programmed to the point of someone that I perceive to be wasting my time.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sense of importance within stepping into this character – as if I am very important and thus as a very important person, I must not have my time wasted and also I must react in a way to show that I am this important person.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘un-important’ and un-recognized by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a fear reaction to the point of standing up for myself and saying ‘I have to go now.’  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how X will perceive and react to me, if I stand up.

When and as I see myself in a situation where I perceive someone to be wasting my time, and then I go into all kinds of back-chat related to blame, beings stressed, worried about my time, being disrespected, and frustration, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow this.  I see, realize, and understand that within the point of perceiving my time being wasted by another that I am reacting negatively due to stress, worry, and fear, of which then compels to balance the scales with blame and frustration.  I see, realize, and understand that both sides of this equation, the negative and the positive reactions, are of my own creation as energy in my own mind in separation from what is actually here, going on in the physical.  I see, realize, and understand that going into stress, worry, fear, blame, anger, and frustration will not solve any thing in the physical.  Thus, I commit myself to remain here and breathe and stop all backchat and emotional reactions when I am in this situation again.  I commit myself to remind myself that I have already forgiven this point and realized that reacting emotionally will not solve or help anything.  I commit myself to stand up and say ‘I have to go’ in the most polite and un-offensive way the next time that this point occurs. 

When and as I see myself stepping into the ‘don’t waste my time’ character, where I create within and as myself a sense of self-importance through acting out this character, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow this.  I see, realize, and understand that we are all equally important as life, regardless of who we are in this system.  I see, realize, and understand that if I am gaining a feeling of importance through acting out this character, that that means that I have mis-placed my self-importance and self-value to within and as things that I can do, accomplish, and present myself as within this system as opposed to living the realization that my importance is always in-fact equal with all life here regardless of circumstances.  Thus, I commit myself to face my self as ‘important’ and ‘valuable’ equally as life.  I commit myself to stop acting in character and to stop presenting pictures of me as important, and start living me as equally important as life where I breathe and do not react, but only walk in the physical as a physical being and treat others as I would like to be treated myself.

Day 284 – The Gift of Adversity

First impression of this title, one might think that I am referring to some form of religious persecution wherein persecution is a ‘gift’ from god to bring one closer to god.  Not exactly.  But, one can modify that ‘concept’ just a little and make a very practical application of it.  You see, if we redefine god as simple the outflow of consequence that is always here in physical manifested form mirroring back what one has been living within self, and then if you look at those points in time where the outflow of consequence results in tough times wherein in those tough times one has the ability to see the truth of self and where one is in process, then we have what we can call ‘practicality.’

So, this start of the year has been at my current employment, but with all my potential sales falling through the cracks, escaping me.  Then while financial stress is already staring me down with low sales so for this year, I have had 2 issues come up with one of my key business contacts.  One issue is that I reversed the addresses on two of his houses and the other issue is that one of his parts, that I ordered for him, went missing without my knowledge.  Both of these issues cause financial stress to my contact and really pissed him off, to say the least.

So, on both occasions, the first where I found out the addresses were reversed on 2 deliveries wherein thus his product went to two different addresses (the wrong addresses), and then the second, where I found out that there was a missing part from an order, a key part, I had the same experience.  And that experience is at first receiving a phone call from him expressing his grave disappointment to the situation and then reacting with fear, stress, and anxiety as my ‘solution.’  But, it gets a little better then that even.  You see, because I have been writing and speaking and doing my best to apply self-forgiveness and self-commitments, specifically on stress, fear, and worry, I was able to slow myself down while in those moments on the phone with my business contact where I was actually able to decide whether or not to react.  Like I saw it coming and there was actually a point in time where I could have stepped back, taken a deep breath, moved the fear, stress, and anxiety energy out of me, grounded myself, and then applied myself to just walk and talk the most practical solution.  But I didn’t.  I didn’t because I got too scared to push through.

That’s right.  I was right there.  The ‘gift’ of adversity was right there starring me in the face like ‘what are you going to do now?  Are you going to stand or are you going to cower and run for ‘cover’ and let your mind handle the situation?  Do you have the ‘guts’ to stand and not react in this moment?’  And both times, almost within a week of each other, I went into the abusive energy reactions of the mind.  I just got to scared to not react in fear, stress, and worry.  I was afraid to let go of the fear, stress, and worry energy.  I felt as if I needed it to ‘help’ me through.  I felt as if I let go of the fear, the stress, and the worry that I would be somehow exposing myself to the worst possible outcome.  It was just too much for me to stand, breath, and direct myself to do what is best for all and most practical.  Then once I allowed the mind to take over, then all hell broke loose.  I went into imaginations of loosing my business contact over this, and having very low sales right now on top of this contributing to possibly even going out of business altogether.  This imagining fueled more fear and worry which contributed to stress and then the cycle continued; however, not as long as it could have actually.  I was able to ‘pull myself together’ faster than in the past at least.

So, this gift of adversity, was my ‘opportunity’ to test myself to see if I can stand and breathe of if I need to go back to the drawing book and look at these points again.  Without the adversity, I would have not been able to see this about myself and that is why it is a gift, and that is why I also look ‘forward’ to these ‘opportunities’ to stand again.

What I also gained from these experiences is the insight that I was at least there, like my directive self-awareness was there in the background just so close to standing and stopping these reactions, but the fear overwhelmed me as I got just to scared to not let me my mind come in and stop this altogether.  So, I was able to see, and remember my writings and self-forgiveness from the past, but applying it was just a little to scary.  At least, I wasn’t lost in the whole transaction completely.  That was also a cool point to observe and see through this experience.

It turns out that, ironically, both ‘adverse’ events I was able to solve and resolve with minimal adverse consequences to my business partner and in a timely manner.  Got to laugh at that one, eh?  I mean, I could have spared myself the emotional reactions because in the end, I wound up solving the issues quite magnificently and of course the real solutions to these ‘problems’ only came about when I slowed down and started breathing, after-all.  How ironic.  How telling….

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is just ‘too scary’ to not react in fear, worry, anxiety, and stress when ‘adversity’ hits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed with fear, within the point that I was right here in that moment of adversity where I was actually able to make the decision within awareness to either stand or react and I chose to react because I just got too scared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind as my comforter, my security blanket, where I accept and allow reactions of fear, anxiety, stress, and worry to take hold over me and direct me as if I can solve my problems this way and as if this can protect me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if ‘I am protecting’ myself through reacting in anxiety, fear, stress, and worry, when in fact I see, realize, and understand that I am not protecting myself at all through reacting, but actually causing even more problems both within this specific situation and existentially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief that fear, anxiety, stress, and worry can protect me in any way whatsoever; and thus within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create even more fear reactions to the point of stopping my reactions in fear, stress, anxiety, and worry to adverse events.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I, as my self-awareness and being ness, was right there ready to stand and take its place within the moments of both of those adverse events – where I was, as my being ness and my self-awareness as life, right there waiting in the ‘wings’ ready to step in, saying to myself ‘I can stand’, ‘I do not have to react’, ‘this is not me.’, ‘fear, stress, worry, and anxiety will not help at all.’ --- but YET, instead of stepping in and stopping my reactions, I reacted in even more fear to the idea of letting go of my fear, and then  at that moment, I just gave-up and accepted and allowed my mind to take over and save me, and protect – of which it did neither.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in even more fear to the idea of not reacting in fear, stress, worry, and anxiety to both adverse events that happened recently.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I create energy, and that when I react in fear to stopping fear, which is fueled by energy and is energy, that I am in-effect fearing my own creation and thus less than my own creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back-chat, while in the midst of the adverse event where the fear, stress, anxiety, and worry energy is charging up like a brewing storm, ‘I cannot stop this energy.’, ‘I need this energy.’, ‘I am afraid of not reacting in fear.’, ‘the fear is too powerful.’, ‘If I don’t react in this fear, then something bad might happen to me.’

I forgive myself that I have ignored and refused to stand on the point that I am completely self-aware of that fear, stress, worry, and anxiety serve no practical purpose whatsoever, and do not protect me in any way whatsoever.

 

When and as I see myself within yet another adverse event, where I see reactions of fear, worry, stress, and anxiety emerging within and as me all as a reaction to the adverse event, and then I see myself, as my being-ness and my self-awareness, in the background saying ‘I can step in here and stand’ but yet at the same time even more fear then emerges to the point of standing and breathing and not reacting – this is where I stop and I breathe, and I step in as the director of me and say ‘NO, fear, stress, worry, and anxiety serve no purpose no matter what the situation.  I see, realize, and understand that the additional fear reactions to standing and breathing and not reacting to the initial fear, stress, worry, and anxiety reactions is just more mind games and trickery to manipulate me and ‘pull me in’ to the destructive vortex that is the energy creating and generating machine – the mind.  I see, realize, and understand that I create energy and give it ‘life’ and that when fear energy and fear stopping energy that in-effect I am fearing my own creation and less than my own creation.  

Thus, I commit myself to step in and stop the backchats such as ‘I cannot let this energy go’, and thus commit myself to just say in their place ‘I can stop this.’, ‘I am more powerful, as the physical, than energy which is just a creation of mine.’. 

I commit myself to step back a moment and stop everything and breathe until the energies calm down. 

I commit myself to say self-forgiveness in the moment to help release the energies. 

I commit myself to breath in deeply and slowly and focus on my chest area where I can feel the energies of fear, worry, stress, and anxiety gathering and swirling around in my chest area to then be released through the out-breath. 

I commit myself to do this over and over again until I am clear, and then from there, I commit myself to look for practical solutions. 

I commit myself to remind myself that when and as these adverse events happen – that these are gifts – opportunities for me to test myself to see if I can stand as the breath, as the physical, and just breathe, direct, and look for solutions that are best for all.