Day 284 – The Gift of Adversity

First impression of this title, one might think that I am referring to some form of religious persecution wherein persecution is a ‘gift’ from god to bring one closer to god.  Not exactly.  But, one can modify that ‘concept’ just a little and make a very practical application of it.  You see, if we redefine god as simple the outflow of consequence that is always here in physical manifested form mirroring back what one has been living within self, and then if you look at those points in time where the outflow of consequence results in tough times wherein in those tough times one has the ability to see the truth of self and where one is in process, then we have what we can call ‘practicality.’

So, this start of the year has been at my current employment, but with all my potential sales falling through the cracks, escaping me.  Then while financial stress is already staring me down with low sales so for this year, I have had 2 issues come up with one of my key business contacts.  One issue is that I reversed the addresses on two of his houses and the other issue is that one of his parts, that I ordered for him, went missing without my knowledge.  Both of these issues cause financial stress to my contact and really pissed him off, to say the least.

So, on both occasions, the first where I found out the addresses were reversed on 2 deliveries wherein thus his product went to two different addresses (the wrong addresses), and then the second, where I found out that there was a missing part from an order, a key part, I had the same experience.  And that experience is at first receiving a phone call from him expressing his grave disappointment to the situation and then reacting with fear, stress, and anxiety as my ‘solution.’  But, it gets a little better then that even.  You see, because I have been writing and speaking and doing my best to apply self-forgiveness and self-commitments, specifically on stress, fear, and worry, I was able to slow myself down while in those moments on the phone with my business contact where I was actually able to decide whether or not to react.  Like I saw it coming and there was actually a point in time where I could have stepped back, taken a deep breath, moved the fear, stress, and anxiety energy out of me, grounded myself, and then applied myself to just walk and talk the most practical solution.  But I didn’t.  I didn’t because I got too scared to push through.

That’s right.  I was right there.  The ‘gift’ of adversity was right there starring me in the face like ‘what are you going to do now?  Are you going to stand or are you going to cower and run for ‘cover’ and let your mind handle the situation?  Do you have the ‘guts’ to stand and not react in this moment?’  And both times, almost within a week of each other, I went into the abusive energy reactions of the mind.  I just got to scared to not react in fear, stress, and worry.  I was afraid to let go of the fear, stress, and worry energy.  I felt as if I needed it to ‘help’ me through.  I felt as if I let go of the fear, the stress, and the worry that I would be somehow exposing myself to the worst possible outcome.  It was just too much for me to stand, breath, and direct myself to do what is best for all and most practical.  Then once I allowed the mind to take over, then all hell broke loose.  I went into imaginations of loosing my business contact over this, and having very low sales right now on top of this contributing to possibly even going out of business altogether.  This imagining fueled more fear and worry which contributed to stress and then the cycle continued; however, not as long as it could have actually.  I was able to ‘pull myself together’ faster than in the past at least.

So, this gift of adversity, was my ‘opportunity’ to test myself to see if I can stand and breathe of if I need to go back to the drawing book and look at these points again.  Without the adversity, I would have not been able to see this about myself and that is why it is a gift, and that is why I also look ‘forward’ to these ‘opportunities’ to stand again.

What I also gained from these experiences is the insight that I was at least there, like my directive self-awareness was there in the background just so close to standing and stopping these reactions, but the fear overwhelmed me as I got just to scared to not let me my mind come in and stop this altogether.  So, I was able to see, and remember my writings and self-forgiveness from the past, but applying it was just a little to scary.  At least, I wasn’t lost in the whole transaction completely.  That was also a cool point to observe and see through this experience.

It turns out that, ironically, both ‘adverse’ events I was able to solve and resolve with minimal adverse consequences to my business partner and in a timely manner.  Got to laugh at that one, eh?  I mean, I could have spared myself the emotional reactions because in the end, I wound up solving the issues quite magnificently and of course the real solutions to these ‘problems’ only came about when I slowed down and started breathing, after-all.  How ironic.  How telling….

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is just ‘too scary’ to not react in fear, worry, anxiety, and stress when ‘adversity’ hits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed with fear, within the point that I was right here in that moment of adversity where I was actually able to make the decision within awareness to either stand or react and I chose to react because I just got too scared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind as my comforter, my security blanket, where I accept and allow reactions of fear, anxiety, stress, and worry to take hold over me and direct me as if I can solve my problems this way and as if this can protect me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if ‘I am protecting’ myself through reacting in anxiety, fear, stress, and worry, when in fact I see, realize, and understand that I am not protecting myself at all through reacting, but actually causing even more problems both within this specific situation and existentially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief that fear, anxiety, stress, and worry can protect me in any way whatsoever; and thus within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create even more fear reactions to the point of stopping my reactions in fear, stress, anxiety, and worry to adverse events.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I, as my self-awareness and being ness, was right there ready to stand and take its place within the moments of both of those adverse events – where I was, as my being ness and my self-awareness as life, right there waiting in the ‘wings’ ready to step in, saying to myself ‘I can stand’, ‘I do not have to react’, ‘this is not me.’, ‘fear, stress, worry, and anxiety will not help at all.’ --- but YET, instead of stepping in and stopping my reactions, I reacted in even more fear to the idea of letting go of my fear, and then  at that moment, I just gave-up and accepted and allowed my mind to take over and save me, and protect – of which it did neither.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in even more fear to the idea of not reacting in fear, stress, worry, and anxiety to both adverse events that happened recently.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I create energy, and that when I react in fear to stopping fear, which is fueled by energy and is energy, that I am in-effect fearing my own creation and thus less than my own creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back-chat, while in the midst of the adverse event where the fear, stress, anxiety, and worry energy is charging up like a brewing storm, ‘I cannot stop this energy.’, ‘I need this energy.’, ‘I am afraid of not reacting in fear.’, ‘the fear is too powerful.’, ‘If I don’t react in this fear, then something bad might happen to me.’

I forgive myself that I have ignored and refused to stand on the point that I am completely self-aware of that fear, stress, worry, and anxiety serve no practical purpose whatsoever, and do not protect me in any way whatsoever.

 

When and as I see myself within yet another adverse event, where I see reactions of fear, worry, stress, and anxiety emerging within and as me all as a reaction to the adverse event, and then I see myself, as my being-ness and my self-awareness, in the background saying ‘I can step in here and stand’ but yet at the same time even more fear then emerges to the point of standing and breathing and not reacting – this is where I stop and I breathe, and I step in as the director of me and say ‘NO, fear, stress, worry, and anxiety serve no purpose no matter what the situation.  I see, realize, and understand that the additional fear reactions to standing and breathing and not reacting to the initial fear, stress, worry, and anxiety reactions is just more mind games and trickery to manipulate me and ‘pull me in’ to the destructive vortex that is the energy creating and generating machine – the mind.  I see, realize, and understand that I create energy and give it ‘life’ and that when fear energy and fear stopping energy that in-effect I am fearing my own creation and less than my own creation.  

Thus, I commit myself to step in and stop the backchats such as ‘I cannot let this energy go’, and thus commit myself to just say in their place ‘I can stop this.’, ‘I am more powerful, as the physical, than energy which is just a creation of mine.’. 

I commit myself to step back a moment and stop everything and breathe until the energies calm down. 

I commit myself to say self-forgiveness in the moment to help release the energies. 

I commit myself to breath in deeply and slowly and focus on my chest area where I can feel the energies of fear, worry, stress, and anxiety gathering and swirling around in my chest area to then be released through the out-breath. 

I commit myself to do this over and over again until I am clear, and then from there, I commit myself to look for practical solutions. 

I commit myself to remind myself that when and as these adverse events happen – that these are gifts – opportunities for me to test myself to see if I can stand as the breath, as the physical, and just breathe, direct, and look for solutions that are best for all.