Day 200 – Following Through

Why is it so hard to direct oneself? For instance, no matter what one's objective is, a course of action is required that works to get the best results. How many times have you decided to do something, made a plan that is most effective, and then not done it? And why is this? Is it because of all the little distractions and excuses and justifications that pop-up in your mind once the time of action arises? The desire to be entertained by some form of an exciting experience is strong. Directing the self to do what is best for all in every breath to be the most effect possible, is not so strong – unless, of course, one happens to be the elite who have programmed within them already the ability to push through resistance to make things happen. So, I am going to program myself to be able to push through resistance to make things happen within this process of self-perfection and stopping the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself and then participate in excuses and justifications as to why I cannot fulfill my commitments to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief that 'life is not worth living if I cannot be constantly entertained.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lured into the entertainment of my mind within and as the pictures, imaginations, back-chats, and judgments that I participate in, and also within the excitement experienced when doing something, anything, that completely distracts me and pulls me into my mind and away from here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my experience of myself based upon the excitement and energy that I am experience wherein low energy I define as boring / needing something more and wherein if I experience high energy I define myself as fulfilled and excited.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself see, realize, and understand that seeking excitement and entertainment is self-sabotage within the point that this is actually the seeking of the creation of an energetic experience of self that ends and leaves me needed more, more, and then even more – which then creates within and as myself a separation from what is here / actually going on here around me and within and as me – as I seek the experience that only exists within my mind / within the energy of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is about the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need anything more than what is right here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by my mind / by the emotion of restlessness as a consequences of my participation in thoughts like thoughts like 'I am uncomfortable and need to move', 'I cannot sit in this chair right now.', 'I need to do something else.', 'I cannot focus or concentrate right now.', 'This is boring,' 'I am not having fun.', 'There's got to be something more that just this.'

When and as I see myself going into resistance when faced with following through with my self-directive application to do what I set out to do, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into excuses and justifications in order to sabotage my efforts just so that I can find some form of an energy experience within and as the limitation of my own mind.

Thus, I commit myself to breathe and remain here stopping all thoughts, feelings, and emotions by simply not participating in them until they fade – from there I direct myself to apply myself to follow through with all my commitments.

Day 199 – The Maximum Enjoyment Character

Why is it that within whatever it is that I do there is the eliminate or question of 'will I enjoy it?' or 'is this as exciting as it can get?'.

I have a lot of responsibilities and things to do to ensure that I have money in order to pay for all the things that I need and require to survive, and then I also have household responsibilities, and also responsibilities towards my self-commitment to stop my systematized existence as the mind. Within the pictures in my mind, I can imaging the perfect schedule and perfect routine to get it all done. Yet, something gets in the way, and that something is the 'Maximum Enjoyment Character' wherein there is always a judge within my mind judging everything as good / bad, fun / not fun, something I want to do / something I don't want to do. And this judgment separates me from what is here and what it is that I do have to do in order to be the most affective that I can be within and as my specific allocation point in this world system and within my own life.

Another element to this character is memories. Specifically of my early childhood where every thing seemed to be exciting and new. Its as if I want those experiences to come back, so therefore I am driven to recreate them as much as possible within always looking for something exciting and new to do. Thus, I have massive resistance to the same old routines that I do day in and day out, which causes me to become distracted and dis-tractable where then I do not get what it is that I need to get done, done.

So, instead of simply seeing what needs to be done and then doing it and living the words exciting and new within my ability to be here and breathe and completely involved and focused with my responsibilities, I judge them and then go into resistance and thus make myself less effective.

You see, there is no such thing as a permanent state of the energetic experience of 'exciting and new'. It always ends no matter what, and then you are just left with what is here and the negative energetic states, like boredom, which is the opposite of exciting and new. Even childhood where everything is exciting and new eventually ends even though it seems like forever growing up. It's like drugs. It's just a high. A high that always has to be sought after that never is quite how one imagined it and then after the experience is over, it ends and you are left with yourself again, but not just with yourself free and clear. No, there is a price to pay for seeking the high. The price is the negative / opposite experience that you create within and as yourself as a consequences of seeking the high.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the 'maximum enjoyment character' wherein I am always seeking to maximize my enjoyment in whatever it is that I do. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within the point of looking for something exciting and new to do, I am creating within and as myself the opposite experience which is boredom, dullness, and an uneasy / unsettledness until that crowing moment of enjoyment and excitement happens, when and if it even does.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the experience of what is exciting and new will eventually fade and morph into dull and ordinary experience - as no experience of energy will last beyond its expiration date. Thus, when the experience ends, I forgive myself that have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by participating in this seeking of something exciting and new, that I am creating within and as myself the opposite experience where I perceive myself as bored and unfulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself within and as the maximum enjoyment character where I judge everything that I consider doing as 'good / bad', 'boring / fun', and 'exciting, dull.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resistance to my responsibilities because I have judged them as boring, dull, and nothing new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is only worth living if I am in a constant state of exciting and new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for the experience – where I seek to maximize my personal enjoyment and excitement in every thing that I do, instead of living for life equal and one with what is here where I do and move myself based upon my responsibilities and what is best for all regardless of any energetic experience that I have created within and as myself in relation to what I do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have created within and as myself the positive and negative experiences that I have within what I do through my participation in the memories, the back-chats, and the judgments that I participate in within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by memories of my childhood where I believe that I need to experience life like I did as a child where everything was exciting and new. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I am missing something' if I am not living this exciting and new character in every moment.

When and as I see myself going into judgment towards what I do, where I am judging and assessing the whether or not I will be excited while doing something, and then going into resistance towards if I do not believe that the actively will generate an experience of 'exciting and new' – I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into the 'maximum enjoyment character' because I see, realize, and understand that this is self-sabotage and that nothing is exciting and new in and of itself – that it is I that react to what it is that I do within and as the energetic experience that I have towards it that I myself created within my own mind in separation from what is actually here.

Thus, I commit myself to remain here and breathe and walk my responsibilities breath-by-breath free of judgment, wherein I live the realization that I live for all as one as equal and not for the experience.

I commit myself to stop any and all judgments, back-chats, and characters that intervene to direct me towards and experience as soon as I see this arise within and as myself through stopping my mind and directing my awareness to within and as my breathing. Then from there, I direct myself to do what is best for all and self in relation to what is most effective within my personal responsibilities and self-commitments free of any energy experience.

Day 198 – The Desire to Suppress Self with Drugs and Alcohol

What is one saying within the desire to use drugs or alcohol? What is it about one's 'normal' experience of self that one would want to change / alter / suppress through drugs and alcohol?

So let's walk through this.

So, I am here, and then all of the sudden a desire consumes me to use drugs or alcohol. What does that say? What is wrong with my current experience of self that I wish to escape from?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to use drugs and alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go create within and as myself the belief that the use of drugs and alcohol will give myself a 'better' experience of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief that my self-experience is enhanced within the use of drugs and alcohol and that within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that 'I am missing out' when I do not use drugs and / or alcohol to 'enhance' my experience of self. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea and emotional experience of a perceived loss if I am to avoid the use of drugs and alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I participate in the desire to use drugs and alcohol I am saying to myself that 'my natural expression of self is not enough. That I need more to be happy, to be satisfied, to be content, and to have fun. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief that I can only have real fun, happiness, satisfaction, and contentment when and as I am using drugs and or alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the definition of 'real' fun, satisfaction, contentment, and happiness – as a point of emotional release where I am able to just do whatever I want within a forgetfulness of my normal experience of self. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program within and as myself the idea that having fun, being happy, being satisfied and content is one and equal with forgetting, suppressing, and escaping all of my worries, concerns, responsibilities, and emotions that consume me throughout the normal experience of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others who use drugs or alcohol and then go into the emotional reaction of despair if I am to refrain from using drugs or alcohol to enhance my experience of self.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the desire to use drugs and alcohol is one and equal with the desire to suppress self – that the unspoken desire here is the desire to suppress self. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to suppress myself with the use of drugs and alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desire to suppress myself shows me that there are areas of self that I have not faced – that there are back-chats, personalities, memories, and characters existing within self that I have not faced and that I am listening to and participating in that are pushing me towards the desire to suppress myself with drugs and alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I were to face myself in these areas, that I would not have the desire to suppress myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the simplicity of the reality that one cannot escape self and that one can only suppress for so long until one is again and perpetually faced with the points that one desires to suppress. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that the solution to my unease with my natural expression is not drugs and alcohol – the solution is to face self so that I can transcend those points that I wish to suppress.

When and as I see myself going into the desire to suppress self with drugs and alcohol, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in the desire to use drugs and alcohol because I see, realize, and understand that what I really desire is to suppress the natural expression of self which can only last so long until I am faced once again with what I want to suppress.

Thus, I commit myself to instead of going into the desires and instead of suppressing the desires to use drugs and alcohol, I commit myself to ask myself in that moment that the desire occurs “what is it that I want to suppress?”' “What is it that I do not like about myself in this moment that I want to escape?” Then I commit myself to write out these points so that I can transcend them one by one until I am clear and the desire to use drugs and alcohol eventually fades and ends because I have faced myself and thus no longer have anything about self that I want to escape or suppress.

Day 197 – Living to My Utmost Potential

Am I living to my utmost potential? Is the life that I am living now a reflection of my utmost potential? Is this world as it exists now really a reflection of me? And if so, is this world a reflection of my utmost potential? And what is my utmost potential anyway?

Each and everyone of us lives the life that we believe is for the most part a reflection who, how, and what we are because it seems so 'real' because we we there doing it making it happen the whole time. Or so it seems. Have you ever wondered why some people are able to make it to the top in life and they make it seem so easy while others struggle to get by with hardly enough to make ends meet? We all have the same amount of hours per day, and most of us work so very hard. Yet, just a few of us make it big. Why? Why don't we all just say and do what those who make it big say and do to get the same results? Why is it not that easy?

The gurus in all fields from finance to spirituality collectively have written thousands of how-to books and many of them really do reveal their secrets of success. Many people think that those books don't have all the secrets that the gurus have in order to make it big, but I say they do. I believe that the gurus know this fundamental truth about our human condition: 'You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.'

You see, in reality, we have everything that we need right here in front of us and also within us; but that doesn't matter because nothing and no amount of information will break us of the patterns that we have already created within and as ourselves that are currently creating and manifesting the life that each and everyone of us is living both individually and collectively. And the gurus, at some level, know this as well. That is why they are not afraid to give away their secrets. The gurus realize that they can just create another income stream from writing books and giving all their secrets away and really do not have to worry about creating competition because only a very very small few will have the will to actually APPLY the knowledge revealed in those books.

And thus, application is a key ingredient to living to one's up-most potential. And by no means am I equating the living to one's up-most potential to making money or making it big. I was just using that as an example and also a reference point that is one that everyone can see equally. I mean, who would argue that within this system as it exists now that making it big in business is not living to one's utmost potential?

But there is more.

The reason most cannot apply what they learn is because what is learned contradicts and runs contrary to the patterns, the mental patterns, that we have already established within and as ourselves. The application of knowledge will require one to change one's patterns, reactions, and behaviors. And to change this one must see themselves for exactly who they are in every way so as to recognize the patterns that one is existing within and as in the first place. This takes introspection: The ability to look within and as oneself to see exactly who one is existing as so that one can apply the change needed to live to one's utmost potential.

So, you see, we are all existing in this world within our allocation point. Meaning that we are where we are based upon who we are within this system and there is no changing that unless we have the ability to see ourselves for who we are and then actually make the change that is required. And that requires commitment, yet another ingredient to living to one's utmost potential.

So, three key ingredients to living to ones utmost potential are:

• Acquiring knowledge
  
• Introspection
  
• Self-will and commitment to apply what one has learned to manifest change
  

So, is making it big living to one's utmost potential? No. I was just using that as an example because we can all see that those who make it big are living to their utmost potential within and as that specific point. But making it big and winning is definitely not what I am talking about. So, let's define what it means to live to one's utmost potential.

Let's do that through a little bit of introspection. Firstly, ask yourself – is this 'who I am' everything that I really am? Am I really the person that I have defined myself as? Am I the person that others have defined me as? Do I have to really exist in the patterns, the reactive patterns, the personality patterns, the thought patterns that I repeat day in and day out? Or, can I truly live spontaneously, in the moment, and undefined – where no one can really define me? And within that, can everything that I think, say, and do be best for all as myself instead of just best for me?

Is living to one's utmost potential the ability to love thy neighbor as thy self or the ability to win? Or is winning, in reality, the ability to live the words 'love thy neighbor as thy self? Because within living this, are we not creating a world that is best for all and then by default are we not all winners? Living to win will work in the short-term FOR SOME, but one must consider that we have been living to win for thousands of years and look at this world now. Is it best for all? Are not only just a very few actually winning? Are we not at the brink of destruction where we will all inevitable loose?

So, thus, living to my utmost potential is having the will to acquire and apply the knowledge gained from research and introspection to change self into and as the living expression of 'love thy neighbor as thy self' because within this we all win big.

Day 196 – Redefining the word 'Control'

Self-Allocation Point:

I define the word control as: being able to steer or direct a physical object, person, or outcome to one's will and desire.

Dictionary Definition (from Merriam Webster's free online):

con·trol

verb \kən-ˈtrōl\

: to direct the behavior of (a person or animal) : to cause (a person or animal) to do what you want

: to have power over (something)

: to direct the actions or function of (something)

: to cause (something) to act or function in a certain way.

Sounding the Word Control:

Con Troll – a conning troll.

Troll – an evil green dwarf that lives under a bridge that likes to eat people.

Can't Roll – cannot change with the flow.

More personal insight / creative writing on the word control:

Someone in control is like a 'conning troll' or even a 'cunning troll' who is using his wit or might to take advantage of others for one's own personal gain. Thus, I experience resistance to the word control, to being controlled, and the idea of me being in control. In fact, there is an element of self-sabatoge I see here in relation to the idea of being in control. Like, I don't want to be in control because I am not a troll! Within my own self-definition, I am not like that! Thus, I go with the flow, where-ever it might lead. I am not in control. But I do find myself acting controlling at times, yet I am not directly being controlling because I do not want to admit to myself that I am trying to take control. Someone in control goes against the flow.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word 'control' as negative / bad within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see the sound allocation that I have associated with the word 'control' wherein the word sounds to me like a conning troll who goes against the wind / whim of others in order to get what he wants in spite of others. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist being controlled and resist being in control because I do not want to be seen by others or self as a 'conning troll'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that that what one resists, persists and that within this point, forming a resistance to being controlled or being in control will not alleviate or change the condition that I am in.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the sound allocation that I have placed within the word control – where I see one who seeks control as a 'conning troll' out to devour others for one's own personal gain.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the sound allocation that I have placed within the word control – where I see one who is in control as being 'un-changable' in direction within the point that he 'can't roll' / cannot roll with the 'flow'. Thus, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the emotion / energy of resentment towards others that I perceive to be in control of me in some way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in resentment towards others or self when in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide from others as to not be scene as in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'bad' about myself when and as I perceive that I am in control of myself or others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that no matter what perceived control that I have over others or that others have over me – that I always have control over my own reactions if I decide to, and that I really never have a real control over other beings or things, only perceived.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be the directive principle within and as myself in each and every breath – where I take control of who I am in here and direct myself as life of the breath and stop the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be controlled.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that we never have control over the reactions of others and the randomness of the physical within all the potential outcomes that may manifest. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control the outcome of events or the outcome of how others will react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the idea of not being able to change direction to the idea of control - wherein I perceive that one who is in control cannot change direction to the needs of the given situation, but must maintain direction no matter the consequences in order to maintain control.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional reaction of fear to being in control or being controlled by others because of the idea that I created within and as myself that with control comes the point of not being able to change if required.

Redefining the word 'control':

1. To be the directive principle of who I am in each and every breath where I decide who I am, not others and not my mind – where I stand and live as the physical, as the breath of life.

2. To direct self in ways that influence others and events to increase the odds of things working out in a way that is best for all.

3. To be able to direct self to change direction in a manner to maintain what is best for all, even mid-stream, if necessary.

Self-Commitment:

When and as I see myself reacting negatively to my perceiving that I am being controlled by others or am in control of others, I stop, and I breathe. I do not accept or allow myself to react negatively towards the idea and perception of being in control or being controlled by others because I see, realize, and understand that there is no real control that exists except control over self and how one reacts within the point of actually directing self to stop all reactions.

Thus, I commit myself to taking control within the point of directing self to be here in each and every breath no matter my external circumstances where I direct me to be and do what is best for all as my self-control.

I commit myself to live this redefined definition of the word control as myself in every breath from this point forward.

Day 195 – What Constitutes and Triggers Worry, Part 5

When and as I see myself reacting with the energy of worry to the physical space that is created between the initiation of an event and its resolution wherein I perceive that I will have to wait for the outcome to manifest, I stop and immediately take a deep breath in wherein I breath in the energy of worry and fear into my lungs and then breathe it out. I repeat this over and over again as I breathe out the worry and fear energy until I am clear. I do not accept and allow myself to react with nor participate in the energy of worry because I see, realize, and understand that worry does me no good and has absolutely no affect on bringing about change or solutions in actual physical reality, whatsoever.

More realizations in regards to worry:

I see, realize, and understand that worry shows me that I have not prepared enough either to handle the outcome of an event or direct the situation prior to an event to avoid a possible adverse consequence.

I realize that worry does not offer any form of actual control over an event.

I realize that worry is not necessary to show that I am actually concerned over the outcome of an event.

I realize that the act of punishing myself with the energy of worry is self-vindictive and un-necessary.

I realize that in order to prepare for all possible consequences that I can use future projections and my imagination so that I can assess all possible outcomes and prepare accordingly, but once I start repeating this activity after all potentials have already been assessed and / or react in fear and then worry while using these tools– that this then becomes a mental obsession / possession that is unacceptable.

I realize that there are no circumstances that merit worry, even the potential loss of a family member or job.

Thus I commit myself to:

Remain here and breathe into my lungs the energy reactions of fear and worry and then breath out until I am stable and clear.

Speak self-forgiveness statements out-load and in an up-beat, but not joyful and excited tone as to not cause any conflict within and as myself, and rounded, self-directive tone until I am clear and stable and breathing.

Prepare myself better by disciplining myself to be more thorough in regards to my responsibilities and also to slow down and breathe while talking and communication with others so as reduce the possibility of generating negative consequences – of which I commit myself to engage in more writings in the future so that I can direct this point more thoroughly.

Use the gift of worry to direct myself in specific areas in which to prepare more thoroughly in the areas that trigger worry reactions as they come up.

Increase my self-trust through breathing and remaining here to my up-most potential where I am the director of me in every breath and accordingly I do everything that I can within the 'control' that I do have in-fact over myself to be as prepared as possible in everything that I do.

When and as I see myself resisting the slowing down and breathing application with thoughts and backchat like 'I can't stop this worry. I must worry.' - I stop this back-chat immediately and breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in these thoughts because I see, realize, and understand that I am not these thoughts. I am the director of me, not my mind. Thus, I commit myself to assert myself and direct me to remain here and breathe and stop these thoughts, and then direct the situation at hand within and as the breath.

Thus, I commit myself to prepare myself to be able to remain constant and stable through anything that I face.

I commit myself to stop my thoughts.

I commit myself to be the director of me, and to establish self-trust within this point.

When and as I see myself obsessing over future projections and reacting with fear and worry, where I am literally trapped in my mind – the moment that I see this, I stop and I breathe until I am clear. I do not accept and allow myself to be mind possessed with fear, worry, and future projections / imaginations that generate more fear and more worry because I see, realize and understand that within this I am accepting and allowing a total submission of self to my mind and also the resourcing of energy from my physical body thus damaging my physical body to support my mind. I also see, realize, and understand that this offers no solution.

Thus, I commit myself stopping my mind, stopping the fear and the worry and the future projections in one breathe / one moment – the moment that it comes to my awareness that this mind possession has taken place. I then commit myself to breathe deeply in and out – breathing in the energy of fear and worry and then out, repeatedly until I am clear. I commit myself to remind myself that worry and fear serve no purpose whatsoever.

Day 194 – What Constitutes and Triggers Worry, Part 4

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the pattern of worry is defined as such:

• First there is an actual 'empty' space created from the initiation of an event to the resolution of an event where there is no immediate resolution of the said event where nothing can be done physically to change, alter, or influence the event beyond a certain point in the mean-time. Thus, a feeling of loss of control is here too.
  
• Second, this 'empty' space is filled with the following emotional reactions due to a perceived loss of control that is created within the realization that the resolution of the event is uncertain:
  
• Waiting
• Fear
  
• Worry
  
• The emotional reactions will only occur if the following two elements are here with the event as well:
  
• A perceived loss of control
  
• The event has to contain a potential loss that I am unwilling to accept such as:
  
• The potential loss of money wherein I believe that I will not be able to 'live through it' such as
  
• Potential loss of a job
  
• Potential loss of commissions or pay-rate
  
• Potential loss of money due to error
  
• Potential loss of business account
  
• Potential to have to way more money than what I perceive that I have
  
• The potential for others to perceive me in ways where I may lose something valuable to me where how others perceive me is 'up in the air' for a time
  
• The loss of my partner
  
• The loss of my kids
  
• The potential for the outcome of an event to reflect 'badly' on me, my character, who I am within others eyes.
  

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my reaction of worry always goes along with a perceived loss of control where I face a potential loss that I am unwilling to accept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'unwilling' to accept potential losses such as, the loss of money beyond what I believe that I can handle that relates to all types of losses within and as my job.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when the initiation of an event occurs and it comes to my realization that there could be a resultant potential loss as a consequence of the said event and that the outcome is and will be uncertain for a period of time, that in that moment of the realization is when I react with the energy of worry, fear, and waiting as a way to regain control of the outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself with a false sense of control that I attempt to create within and as myself within and as the energetic reactions of fear and worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself with a false sense of control that I attempt to create within and as myself within the act of creating future projections and imaginations within and as my mind over and over and over again. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the act of possessing myself within and as my mind with future projections and imaginations only serves to generate more fear and worry energy within and as my mind thus creating a self-feeding cycle of energetic possession.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that secretly within as my mind I hold an anger at myself for creating the situation that caused the worry reaction in the first place because I see, realize, and understand that I did not prepare myself in the first place to avoid the situation altogether nor did I prepare myself to be able to handle and deal with the consequences that may result. Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that a reaction of worry shows me that I have a lack of self-trust wherein I do not trust myself to have prepared myself accordingly because I know that I have not done all that I can do to ensure an outcome that is best for all to the best of my abilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself react in anger towards myself when and as I perceive that I have 'screwed' myself and set myself up for a potential loss that I am unwilling to accept and face. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief and participate in the belief that I somehow 'deserve' to go through the worry reaction as some form of penance for my 'sins' of unpreparedness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief and participate in the belief that I can somehow regain control of the future within and as my participation in the reactions of worry and fear and then also the practice of future projections and imaginations of me handling and controlling others so as to ensure the outcome that I would like to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my perception of control is enhanced within and as my future projections / imaginations, but that in-fact I am not gaining any more control over the future than I already have, which is none.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I only have control over myself and what I do, say, and think, and how well I can prepare myself for what I face and my responsibilities. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have not control over physical reality beyond how I prepare myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate in the thought / idea that 'I am not doing anything if I don't worry and fear.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate in the thought that 'I deserve to be going through this negative, gut-wrenching emotion of worry and fear.'

I will do self-commitments on the next post.

Day 193 – What Constitutes and Triggers Worry, Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the time that it takes to move from the initiation of an event, for instance the moment I realize I might lose a large amount of money in some way, to the resolution of that event with the energy / emotion of waiting – wherein this emotion / energy is created as a consequence to my participation in thoughts like: 'I cannot wait that long to find out what will happen to me.'; 'I must find out now.'; 'I will not be able to focus on anything else until I find out what will happen to me with this.'; 'what will my life be like if the worst-case scenario were to happen to me.' - of which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in such thoughts within and as my mind instead of remaining here and stopping those thoughts the moment that they come-up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and perpetuate within and as myself the belief that 'there are certain things that I cannot stand through, such as: loosing too much money wherein I am not able to pay for my bills and financial responsibilities; loosing one of my children; loosing my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within what it is that I have now and can control within my reality – wherein if I were to potentially loose it or loose control of it I react in worry to try to maintain control and get it back or prevent it from happening.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the only control that I really have is over myself and who I am in every breath. Within this, I forgive myself I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this control / self-control is expressed within and as my ability to investigate my reality and project within and as my mind the potential outcomes that I face based upon the decisions that I make; and from there I have the ability to decide and direct myself to move myself in a specific direction to minimize the risk of consequences that I would like to avoid, but beyond that I have no actual control over the outcome of events in the physical and no amount of thinking and worrying and fearing will aide me in changing or guaranteeing a potential reality to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that worrying, fearing, and obsessing over a specific point will do anything whatsoever to change or alter or control the potential out come of that which I worry about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the idea of NOT worrying over the potential outcome of an event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the space / empty space that exists between the initiation of an event and the resolution of an event; and then within and as this fear I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that 'if only I can find a way out / a solution then I can stop this fear. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the way to stop my fear reaction is to react with the energy of worry where I actually cater to this fear through analyzing a situation over and over again from every conceivable angle and then try to find a solution over and over again through the use of future projections / imaginations within and as my mind / the pictures in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the way to stop fear is to simply remain here, within and as the physical, and breathe / through breathing I stop fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the energy of waiting and fear that I have accepted and allowed to fill the empty space that exists between the initiation and resolution of an event with the energy of worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that worry is justified.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself with the energy of worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are certain circumstances that require the energy reaction of worry and that there are times that I 'deserve' to be punished with the energy of worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not worry then I am not doing anything about that which I face.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that there is an element of lack of self-trust that exists along side the energy of worry – where I do not trust myself to be able to stand through the consequences whatever they may be and I do not trust myself to have made the right decisions in the first place to have not manifested adverse consequences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that a lack of self-trust shows me that I have neglected to remain here as the director of me within each and every breath because if I were to do so, then every decision I make would be best for all and best for me thus I would never have anything to worry about because I would always be here for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is ever something that I cannot stand through and remain here as if certain things inherently are too much to bear -as if I can only stand up to a certain point and from there I must let the mind take over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender my self-directiveness to the mind when and as I perceive that there is something that I face that is too much to bear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'I just cannot stand through this. I must worry.'

Part 3 will be a very specific self-corrective piece where I script out exactly how I will stand and stop this worry energy reaction.

Day 192 – What Constitutes and Triggers Worry, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of control and loss of control wherein I feel at ease and comfortable when and as I perceive myself to be in control, and I connect fear and anxiety to a perceived loss of control.

I forgive that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the idea and the belief that I have control of anything outside of myself within this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea and belief that I have control and that I can control what might happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I never really have control over anything or anyone – that what I do have is influence based upon probabilities that I can assess through observation, but that in-fact the physical is ultimately unpredictable and that control over the physical is really just an illusion. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into a false sense of security within the point that I believe I have control over the physical and things that may or may not happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I can only prepare myself as best as possible to direct physical reality in a way that is best for all within the realization that that there are no gaurantees of the outcome of events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in worry to an event that occurs when and as I perceive that I have no control / lost control of the outcome / the potential outcome, when that outcome is something that I resist happening to me or others - such as: the loss of money, family members, debilitating injury or disease, or loss of influence over others that may also result in the loss or reduction on money for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist certain potential outcomes of events instead of just assessing all potential outcomes and preparing accordingly for all / whichever one may happen – so that I can be ready no matter the outcome and remain stable no matter the outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the time that it takes from the initiation of an event to the resolution of that event within and as the energy of waiting – where I am waiting in anticipation of the outcome, instead of simply remaining here within and as the breath in every moment - wherein I remain here in every moment, moment-by-moment, until the moment of resolution of the event manifests within my here reality, wherein I have prepared myself to walk all the potential outcomes when that moment comes. And within this energy of waiting, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to the 'void / emptiness' of waiting that I create within and as myself from the initiation of the event to the resolution of the event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear / connect fear to the void / emptiness that I create within and as myself within the starting point of waiting / anticipation of an event to conclude, from the point of initiation of that event to the resolution of the event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge up and fuel this fear with imaginations of what might happen in the future wherein I imagine all the potential outcomes over and over and over again from every conceivable angle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and regain a perceived control over the future and what it might hold through, within and as my imagination – where I imagine myself regaining control over what might happen within and as my mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief / idea that 'I have to find a way, a solution right here and now within and as my mind / imagination and that if I think enough I might just find a way.'

To be continued...

Day 191 – What Constitutes and Triggers Worry

I am honing in on this worry pattern of mine so as to break it down and be done with it once and for all. I am also sorting out the difference between worry, nervousness, and anxiety and will turn soon to break-down all the dimensions in the points of nervousness and anxiety in later writings.

The dimensions that cause / constitute and trigger worry are as follows: First there is a perceived loss of control wherein I do not have perceived control over the outcome of a particular event. Within this, I am participating in the polarity of perceived control which generates a feeling of calmness and then perceived loss of control which triggers fear. So, within worry, this perceived loss of control is mixed with the emotion of fear, fear of what might happen and having no perceived control. Then within this void / space between now and the future point in time where the event will resolve is also the energy of waiting / impatience; where I cannot wait to have this event resolved so that I can know the outcome and thus regain my perceived control over the situation. Then within this waiting / this void I fill this 'space / void' with all the 'what-ifs' and potentials / future projections and probabilities, that may occur, within my imagination; where I imagine and visualize all the potential outcomes of which generates even more fear, which then cycles and fuels even more imaginations of potential outcomes and what ifs as I attempt to regain 'control' over the future within and as my mind where I attempt to 'find a way to regain a foothold of control within and as my minds eye / my imagination, that consumes me as my mind / my attention to a point that I am not even able to be here with what I am doing now as my attention is directed inwards into my mind and my imagination. This is the essence / what constitutes the system of worry.

Worry is only triggered in certain situations and not all situations where there is a 'perceived loss of control' within my experience. The situations that trigger worry are those of perceived 'great loss' where there the potential loss is greater than what I am willing to accept as a potential consequence and I have a perceived 'no control over the outcome'.

Typically this has to do with money and job security for me. This is so because of the great financial responsibility that I have wherein I am taking care of 3 other people based upon my income. Money is a point that I am always facing, so the worry pattern is quite often showing its face in relation to this point in my life, but it is not limited to just money. I have seen within myself the worry pattern triggered with just about any type of perceived 'great loss', as a consequence. Any type of perceived great loss, such as losing the functioning of my body, losing a child, etc., where the potential loss is greater than I am willing to accept and I have no perceived control over it, will trigger the pattern of worry.

Self-Trust dimension: There is also an element of self-trust within the point that I do not have self-trust that I can stand through whatever the potential outcome, and also that I have acted in a way / conducted myself in a way that would bring a high probability that the 'best' outcome in the first-place. In other-words, there is a sense that I am 'out-of-control' within the point that I see, realize, and understand that I am not always in directive 'control' of who I am in every breath – thus I may have generated consequences that are adverse.'

So, within the point of worry, over the next writings, I will break down the following dimensions within the point of worry:

1. The points that bring about the system of worry within and as me:
   
   1. Loss of money / job
      
   2. Loss of family members or injury
      
   3. Loss of physical function / disease
      
   4. Loss of control of what people who have influence over my life think of me – wherein if they think of me adversely I go into worry if this could manifest in the loss of money or the loss of something valued to me.
      
2. The polarity of perceived control / loss of control
   
3. The waiting and 'empty space' that occurs between the initiation of the event and the resolution of the event.
   
4. The fear that fills that empty space
   
5. The imaginations, future projections, and back-chats that also fill that empty space and then fuel even more fear – all as an attempt to regain perceived control
   
6. The element of lack of self-trust that is revealed within the point of worry.
   

These dimensions within the point of worry will be broken down, in the next writings, within self-forgiveness statements so that I can see, in clarity, all the aspects to these dimensions so as to assist me to then structure self-commitment statements that I can live by and act upon the moment that I see this worry pattern within and as me and stop it once and for all.

To Be Continued...