Day 198 – The Desire to Suppress Self with Drugs and Alcohol

What is one saying within the desire to use drugs or alcohol? What is it about one's 'normal' experience of self that one would want to change / alter / suppress through drugs and alcohol?

So let's walk through this.

So, I am here, and then all of the sudden a desire consumes me to use drugs or alcohol. What does that say? What is wrong with my current experience of self that I wish to escape from?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to use drugs and alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go create within and as myself the belief that the use of drugs and alcohol will give myself a 'better' experience of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief that my self-experience is enhanced within the use of drugs and alcohol and that within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that 'I am missing out' when I do not use drugs and / or alcohol to 'enhance' my experience of self. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea and emotional experience of a perceived loss if I am to avoid the use of drugs and alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I participate in the desire to use drugs and alcohol I am saying to myself that 'my natural expression of self is not enough. That I need more to be happy, to be satisfied, to be content, and to have fun. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief that I can only have real fun, happiness, satisfaction, and contentment when and as I am using drugs and or alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the definition of 'real' fun, satisfaction, contentment, and happiness – as a point of emotional release where I am able to just do whatever I want within a forgetfulness of my normal experience of self. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program within and as myself the idea that having fun, being happy, being satisfied and content is one and equal with forgetting, suppressing, and escaping all of my worries, concerns, responsibilities, and emotions that consume me throughout the normal experience of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others who use drugs or alcohol and then go into the emotional reaction of despair if I am to refrain from using drugs or alcohol to enhance my experience of self.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the desire to use drugs and alcohol is one and equal with the desire to suppress self – that the unspoken desire here is the desire to suppress self. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to suppress myself with the use of drugs and alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desire to suppress myself shows me that there are areas of self that I have not faced – that there are back-chats, personalities, memories, and characters existing within self that I have not faced and that I am listening to and participating in that are pushing me towards the desire to suppress myself with drugs and alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I were to face myself in these areas, that I would not have the desire to suppress myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the simplicity of the reality that one cannot escape self and that one can only suppress for so long until one is again and perpetually faced with the points that one desires to suppress. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that the solution to my unease with my natural expression is not drugs and alcohol – the solution is to face self so that I can transcend those points that I wish to suppress.

When and as I see myself going into the desire to suppress self with drugs and alcohol, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in the desire to use drugs and alcohol because I see, realize, and understand that what I really desire is to suppress the natural expression of self which can only last so long until I am faced once again with what I want to suppress.

Thus, I commit myself to instead of going into the desires and instead of suppressing the desires to use drugs and alcohol, I commit myself to ask myself in that moment that the desire occurs “what is it that I want to suppress?”' “What is it that I do not like about myself in this moment that I want to escape?” Then I commit myself to write out these points so that I can transcend them one by one until I am clear and the desire to use drugs and alcohol eventually fades and ends because I have faced myself and thus no longer have anything about self that I want to escape or suppress.