Day 199 – The Maximum Enjoyment Character

Why is it that within whatever it is that I do there is the eliminate or question of 'will I enjoy it?' or 'is this as exciting as it can get?'.

I have a lot of responsibilities and things to do to ensure that I have money in order to pay for all the things that I need and require to survive, and then I also have household responsibilities, and also responsibilities towards my self-commitment to stop my systematized existence as the mind. Within the pictures in my mind, I can imaging the perfect schedule and perfect routine to get it all done. Yet, something gets in the way, and that something is the 'Maximum Enjoyment Character' wherein there is always a judge within my mind judging everything as good / bad, fun / not fun, something I want to do / something I don't want to do. And this judgment separates me from what is here and what it is that I do have to do in order to be the most affective that I can be within and as my specific allocation point in this world system and within my own life.

Another element to this character is memories. Specifically of my early childhood where every thing seemed to be exciting and new. Its as if I want those experiences to come back, so therefore I am driven to recreate them as much as possible within always looking for something exciting and new to do. Thus, I have massive resistance to the same old routines that I do day in and day out, which causes me to become distracted and dis-tractable where then I do not get what it is that I need to get done, done.

So, instead of simply seeing what needs to be done and then doing it and living the words exciting and new within my ability to be here and breathe and completely involved and focused with my responsibilities, I judge them and then go into resistance and thus make myself less effective.

You see, there is no such thing as a permanent state of the energetic experience of 'exciting and new'. It always ends no matter what, and then you are just left with what is here and the negative energetic states, like boredom, which is the opposite of exciting and new. Even childhood where everything is exciting and new eventually ends even though it seems like forever growing up. It's like drugs. It's just a high. A high that always has to be sought after that never is quite how one imagined it and then after the experience is over, it ends and you are left with yourself again, but not just with yourself free and clear. No, there is a price to pay for seeking the high. The price is the negative / opposite experience that you create within and as yourself as a consequences of seeking the high.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the 'maximum enjoyment character' wherein I am always seeking to maximize my enjoyment in whatever it is that I do. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within the point of looking for something exciting and new to do, I am creating within and as myself the opposite experience which is boredom, dullness, and an uneasy / unsettledness until that crowing moment of enjoyment and excitement happens, when and if it even does.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the experience of what is exciting and new will eventually fade and morph into dull and ordinary experience - as no experience of energy will last beyond its expiration date. Thus, when the experience ends, I forgive myself that have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by participating in this seeking of something exciting and new, that I am creating within and as myself the opposite experience where I perceive myself as bored and unfulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself within and as the maximum enjoyment character where I judge everything that I consider doing as 'good / bad', 'boring / fun', and 'exciting, dull.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resistance to my responsibilities because I have judged them as boring, dull, and nothing new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is only worth living if I am in a constant state of exciting and new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for the experience – where I seek to maximize my personal enjoyment and excitement in every thing that I do, instead of living for life equal and one with what is here where I do and move myself based upon my responsibilities and what is best for all regardless of any energetic experience that I have created within and as myself in relation to what I do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have created within and as myself the positive and negative experiences that I have within what I do through my participation in the memories, the back-chats, and the judgments that I participate in within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by memories of my childhood where I believe that I need to experience life like I did as a child where everything was exciting and new. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I am missing something' if I am not living this exciting and new character in every moment.

When and as I see myself going into judgment towards what I do, where I am judging and assessing the whether or not I will be excited while doing something, and then going into resistance towards if I do not believe that the actively will generate an experience of 'exciting and new' – I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into the 'maximum enjoyment character' because I see, realize, and understand that this is self-sabotage and that nothing is exciting and new in and of itself – that it is I that react to what it is that I do within and as the energetic experience that I have towards it that I myself created within my own mind in separation from what is actually here.

Thus, I commit myself to remain here and breathe and walk my responsibilities breath-by-breath free of judgment, wherein I live the realization that I live for all as one as equal and not for the experience.

I commit myself to stop any and all judgments, back-chats, and characters that intervene to direct me towards and experience as soon as I see this arise within and as myself through stopping my mind and directing my awareness to within and as my breathing. Then from there, I direct myself to do what is best for all and self in relation to what is most effective within my personal responsibilities and self-commitments free of any energy experience.