Day 194 – What Constitutes and Triggers Worry, Part 4

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the pattern of worry is defined as such:

• First there is an actual 'empty' space created from the initiation of an event to the resolution of an event where there is no immediate resolution of the said event where nothing can be done physically to change, alter, or influence the event beyond a certain point in the mean-time. Thus, a feeling of loss of control is here too.
  
• Second, this 'empty' space is filled with the following emotional reactions due to a perceived loss of control that is created within the realization that the resolution of the event is uncertain:
  
• Waiting
• Fear
  
• Worry
  
• The emotional reactions will only occur if the following two elements are here with the event as well:
  
• A perceived loss of control
  
• The event has to contain a potential loss that I am unwilling to accept such as:
  
• The potential loss of money wherein I believe that I will not be able to 'live through it' such as
  
• Potential loss of a job
  
• Potential loss of commissions or pay-rate
  
• Potential loss of money due to error
  
• Potential loss of business account
  
• Potential to have to way more money than what I perceive that I have
  
• The potential for others to perceive me in ways where I may lose something valuable to me where how others perceive me is 'up in the air' for a time
  
• The loss of my partner
  
• The loss of my kids
  
• The potential for the outcome of an event to reflect 'badly' on me, my character, who I am within others eyes.
  

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my reaction of worry always goes along with a perceived loss of control where I face a potential loss that I am unwilling to accept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'unwilling' to accept potential losses such as, the loss of money beyond what I believe that I can handle that relates to all types of losses within and as my job.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when the initiation of an event occurs and it comes to my realization that there could be a resultant potential loss as a consequence of the said event and that the outcome is and will be uncertain for a period of time, that in that moment of the realization is when I react with the energy of worry, fear, and waiting as a way to regain control of the outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself with a false sense of control that I attempt to create within and as myself within and as the energetic reactions of fear and worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself with a false sense of control that I attempt to create within and as myself within the act of creating future projections and imaginations within and as my mind over and over and over again. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the act of possessing myself within and as my mind with future projections and imaginations only serves to generate more fear and worry energy within and as my mind thus creating a self-feeding cycle of energetic possession.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that secretly within as my mind I hold an anger at myself for creating the situation that caused the worry reaction in the first place because I see, realize, and understand that I did not prepare myself in the first place to avoid the situation altogether nor did I prepare myself to be able to handle and deal with the consequences that may result. Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that a reaction of worry shows me that I have a lack of self-trust wherein I do not trust myself to have prepared myself accordingly because I know that I have not done all that I can do to ensure an outcome that is best for all to the best of my abilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself react in anger towards myself when and as I perceive that I have 'screwed' myself and set myself up for a potential loss that I am unwilling to accept and face. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief and participate in the belief that I somehow 'deserve' to go through the worry reaction as some form of penance for my 'sins' of unpreparedness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief and participate in the belief that I can somehow regain control of the future within and as my participation in the reactions of worry and fear and then also the practice of future projections and imaginations of me handling and controlling others so as to ensure the outcome that I would like to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my perception of control is enhanced within and as my future projections / imaginations, but that in-fact I am not gaining any more control over the future than I already have, which is none.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I only have control over myself and what I do, say, and think, and how well I can prepare myself for what I face and my responsibilities. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have not control over physical reality beyond how I prepare myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate in the thought / idea that 'I am not doing anything if I don't worry and fear.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate in the thought that 'I deserve to be going through this negative, gut-wrenching emotion of worry and fear.'

I will do self-commitments on the next post.