Day 286 – Self Trust

I have had a lot of nervous energy recently.  Nervous energy driven by fear of the future, fear of loss, and fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstood, and fear of what might happen in the future.  This nervous and fear energy, I have observed, to like run from one point to another, endlessly.  So, like, I get fixated on one point and worry and fret over it until it is resolved, and then I move to the next point doing the same thing.  So, like, I am starting to wonder if this is just fear, nervousness, and worry, that is generating for some other reason than the outward points – and that may explain why this energy is more like a constant that just gets fixating on a point as like an excuse or justification for it to exist in the first place. 

 

So, then, what is my relationship to fear, worry, and nervous energy?  I remember that I have been this way going all the way back to early childhood.  Like, I just get consumed by fear and worry and then get nervous as a consequence.  This fear, worry, and nervousness are like a coping mechanism that I created to ‘help’ protect me, I guess, from any possible harm or bad experience.  Fear, worry, and nervousness have always been the dark hole that I craw into to protect me from the outside world.  I have accepted and allowed this energy to consume me to a point being completely separated from others and what is going on in my immediate environment.

I have actually had major break-throughs in my recent history wherein I have been able to ‘contain’ and thus probably suppress this fear, worry, and nervous energy.  This is so because I see it for what it is now, just energy, but yet because it re-emerges, this indicates to me that I have suppressed it, rather than fully release it.  And so, over the past couple of weeks, these energy reactions have been rather intense and constant, moving from one point (potential problem) to the next; and the fact that this fear, worry, and nervousness moves from one point to the next and has been remaining rather constant, indicates to me that there is probably another underlying point that is driving these energies other than the ‘issues’ on the surface. 

So, what is the underlying condition, the common denominator?  I mean, if I haven’t been clear enough, what I’ve been experiencing is fear, worry, and then nervousness directed at a certain point, and then when that point resolves, almost instantly this fear, worry, and nervousness is directed towards another point – and then this happens again.  Well, another common denominator is that all this fear, worry, and nervousness is directed at one individual I am doing business with on multiple projects.  So, it’s like, I have fear, worry, nervousness on one project, and then as soon as that one resolves (and it always resolves good), then I move to the next one to worry, fear, and get nervous about.  Ok, so I have changed directions here a bit in this writing.  I have just realized that this worry, fear, and nervousness are directed at one individual on multiple projects.  So, again, what is the common denominator(s), here?

Let’s see, for one, I fear that I will be misunderstood and thus perceived by X to be ‘under-handed’.  This is the word that comes to mind.  Yes, ‘under-handed’.  Now, I deal straight with X.  There is no practical reason for anyone to be accusing me of this.  Yet, this is one fear.  Another fear, is that X may be disappointed on some decisions we make together on cabinet and countertop selections for Xs various high-end homes, to the point that I also fear that X might get mad and blame me; and possibly X may not even want to pay me.  This is also, from a practical perspective, ridiculous.  The decisions we make are always mutual and I always have X sign off on them; furthermore, we have done 50 or so projects together over the years with probably a 1% disappointment rate, or in other-words, a 99% satisfaction rate.  And even in that 1% (or so), we always worked it out.  However, with this said, in one of my current projects with X, we made some selections that I did not have him sign-off on.  I broke my pattern here, and so I have a lot of regret, and fear of the potential consequences that may arise.   Now, there are other fears that are coming up not in relation to X, such as: fear of the company I work for going out of business because my sales are so slow for the first part of this year, so far. 

Then there are my own personal financial obligations that I fear not being able to keep up with if we were to go out of business.  Then there is a fear of, ‘if person X really does no longer do business with me, then with my other sales being slowed, we would definitely go out of business.’  So, the fear of our current business situation enhances the fears mentioned above towards person X.  However, there is not a lot practical evidence to suggest that we will go out of business at this point.  In fact, we have survived far worse circumstances than we are in now, and statistically speaking, it would not be too much to expect an up-tick in business in the near future.  To give background on the company that I work for, it is a family owned business where I am the only sales person.  The entire viability of that business has a lot to do with me.  So, there is a lot of ‘pressure’ that I experience as a consequence of that relationship.  The interesting this is, however, that this relationship is like a double-edged sword, because on the other side of the ‘coin’, there is the wonderful fact that as the ‘only’ sales person, I get all the leads generated from the store.  Nevertheless, I also have had fear and worry of the owners actually suing me if we go out of business because I fear them blaming me for if things go wrong.  This too, is a bit out there.  I mean, owners don’t typically sue workers in this current monetary system as it is set up; and further more, my relationship with the owners is good and they see that I am doing everything possible to ensure our business survives, and I am doing everything as a matter of fact.  And I am definitely not doing anything destructive for this business, either intentionally or unintentionally. 

So, what I am seeing here is a coping mechanism that I have created way back into my early childhood of fear and then worry and then anxiety and nervousness, like in that order.  I fear and fret the past, and then go into anxiety about the future and then nervousness as a consequence of the fear, fretting, and anxiety.  Then because I am conducting myself in nervousness, I start also fearing and fretting all my interactions with others while I am nervous.  This is actually merited at some level within the point that if I am acting in nervousness, then I really am more likely to be making mistakes and thus creating problems for myself.  So, then this just compounds and layers on top and then all these reactions intensify.

So, in the last few weeks, as it has become evident that our business is slowing down big-time right now, I have been reacting in a lot of fear, worry, anxiety, and nervousness towards all the possible ‘problems’ that could ‘seal my doom’ as my defensive protection measures, and I have been loosing a lot of sleep over it too.  In fact, my sleeping patterns are all fucked up right now and its been affecting my writings because I don’t have the time that I normally have due to my sleep patterns being all fucked up and also due to the fact that I have been wasting a lot of time worrying and fearing over stuff.

So, what is the underlying point that could link all this together going back all the way to early childhood?  Could it be self-trust?  Could it be that I do not trust myself to be able to find the best solution to whatever I face?  Could it be that I do not trust myself to be able to stand through any and all consequences that I may face?  Could it be that I do not have the self-trust to be confident that I always use the best words to be able to instill trust of myself in others?  Could it be that I do not trust myself to be able keep and sustain supportive relationships with others?  Could it be that I don’t trust myself to be honest with others, even though I am as far as I am concerned within my conscious awareness?  On that point, could it be that I am not honest with myself to myself and then I am projecting this distrust of myself onto others?  Could I have been, as a child, exposed to a circumstance that resulted in my not being able to trust myself?  The thing that comes up, within this point, is that my biological father ‘disappeared’ from my life when I was only 5.  From that point forward, I had a new adopted father.  I never understood his disappearance, until I was an adult.  Could this have created a lack of self-trust?  My mother, also, never allowed me to do all the things my friends were able to do at their age.  I had to be older, to ride my bike, down the street than the other kids because she was afraid I would get hit by a car, yet my friends parents all could ride their bikes – so, was there a lack of self-trust instilled in my there?  My mother was also very nervous, from my memory.  Did she teach me to act nervous to solve problems?  My first grade teacher told me that ‘I would never make it life.’  She really told me that!!! Fucking crazy thing to say to a 7 year old, right?!?  Could that have caused a lack of self-trust? Could there be a relationship to me being able to complete something, or stand on a point, or being able to direct myself and self trust?  I mean, have I not been directing myself and I know this at some level and thus I have limited self trust as a consequence?  And can this lack of self-trust be triggering fear, worry, anxiety, and nervousness as my defense mechanism and coping mechanism for what I face in life?