Ever
since I can remember I was shy. However,
defining my situation as shyness really isn’t adequate. Really, I had a low self-image because I saw
myself as not interesting or fun to talk to or be around, not intelligent, and
not funny. I saw myself as inferior; in
essence, to everyone else, and because of this I was afraid to talk to others
and make friends because someone might see that I am or possess these
‘inferior’ qualities and also may put me down or say things to me that I was
afraid to hear. So, I was hiding within
my shyness from others and from being exposed to others as being inferior. Because
of this, I mainly made friends with those who pushed themselves on me. These people made an effort to become friends
with me more so than I with them.
However,
within that, there were certain friends that I let “in” based on certain
qualities, and one of those was Darrin.
Looking back, the qualities that Darrin possessed that drew me to him
were, he is:
1.
assertive,
2.
confident,
3.
funny,
4.
smart within being quick-witted/able to assess information
quickly,
5.
able to make friends with lots of people that I was not able
to because of my shyness,
6.
able to talk to the opposite sex which I was not able to do
very well because of my shyness,
7.
and daring to do things that were risky and yet fun, like:
a.
do drugs,
b.
get in fights (I would never fight),
c.
talk-shit to people,
d.
stand-up for himself no matter who it was,
e.
And go to parties and meet people that I would never have the
opportunity to without him.
So,
Darrin served as a way for me to get the experiences that I desired with others
by just tagging along, so-to-speak, and following his lead in doing things, of
which I was too afraid to do this for myself as myself.
Self-Forgiveness
and Corrective application on the point: ‘Assertive’
What
is and was stopping me at the time from being ‘assertive’?
I
say “was” because I have become more assertive in recent time than I was back
then. So, looking back and even now to a
certain but much more limited extent, I was not assertive because of my poor or
low self-image being that I saw myself as not very funny, not very interesting
to talk to, not having anything of value to say, not being very intelligent and
therefore not having anything to say or add to a situation that someone probably
already knew, and being afraid to have someone expose me as this; so- therefore
I would not be assertive in expressing my point of view or needs with
others. To boil it down, I was not very
assertive because I felt I was inferior to others and therefore afraid of
others and what they might think of me.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as one
and equal with others and all of existence as me.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as
inferior to others.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less
than others and because of that not worthy of voicing my opinions and view-points.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less
intelligent than others.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as
‘stupid’
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as ‘not
funny’.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as ‘boring’.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as not
having anything of ‘value’ to say or add to a conversation and within that I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide in shyness from
others.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as
‘shy’ in order to hide from others and not face that fact that I fear being
exposed as inferior to others.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am
inferior to others in separation of myself as life in oneness and equality.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed as
inferior to others.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be assertive in
speaking my position to others because of my belief/perception that I am
inferior to them.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am
inferior to others and to therefore fear speaking up for myself and fear being
assertive.
I
forgive myself that I have participated in the thought that I having nothing to
say.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the
thought and idea that I am not interesting to talk to.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the
thought that I am not as intelligent as others.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my
participation in thoughts that I am not interesting, having nothing to say, and
am not as intelligent as others, be afraid to speak-up for myself.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being laughed at
by others because I may say something stupid.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as
not having any good ideas or worthwhile opinions and within that I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up for myself.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to connect the idea of not
having anything to say to fear; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the idea and
belief that I may say something stupid to fear; and thus I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect speaking-up
for myself to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to fear my own fear.
Self-
Corrective Statements:
When
and as I see myself going into fear that I may not have anything worthwhile to
say I stop and I breathe. I do not
accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions that
I may not have anything to say because I see, realize, and understand that the
idea that I may not have anything worthwhile to say is simply just that – and
idea of the mind as my mind and therefore it is not of life as who I am as
life.
When
I see myself going into fear that if I am to speak-up for myself that I may be
judged as being silly or ridiculous I stop and I breath because I see realize,
and understand that this idea and opinion is not real and is of the mind. Instead, I breathe and clear myself and then
speak in the moment what it is that I need to say.
When
and as I see myself going into the thought that ‘if I speak-up for myself then others
may see me as ‘inferior’ because I may have a ‘bad’ idea, I stop and I
breathe. I do not accept and allow
myself to participate in such thoughts because I see realize, and understand I
cannot control what others think of me and that in reality my starting point is
all that matters - so, long as my starting point is ‘what is best for all’
within oneness and equality. So,
therefore, I stop participating in to fear of speaking up and being seen as
inferior, and I breathe until I am clear and then assert myself and speak what
it is that I need to speak.
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