Friday, January 10, 2014

Day 110 – Fear of making Vlogs and Self Trust

I have a fear of making Vlogs. I fear that other's will see that I do not 'understand' that material. I also have a fear that I will 'misrepresent' myself or Desteni. I have confidence when writing, but not vlogging. Its as if I do not 'trust' myself to Vlog, so I don't, or I just do a Vlog every now and then. I need to Vlog. Vlogging is just another 'log' of my process, so that I can support myself on my journey to life. It's also great support for others. I know personally, that there are many who's Vlogs help get me to where I am now. And because Vlogging is a 'log', it does not have to be perfect. The idea is that is is a recording of where I am now in my progress/process in self-perfection, so that I can establish myself as 'this is where I am now' and I move forward from here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect making Vlogs of my process to the thought that 'I cannot make a Vlog because I do not understand that material completely'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'I might be shown to be ignorant or confused about the what it means to be 'here' as life if I make a Vlog'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being shown to be 'igorant' or 'confused' if I were to make a vlog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I can only make a vlog if I understand everything completely and totally.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to make a Vlog, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-trust in the knowledge and information that I have acquired, instead of me here in every breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own self trust in defining and placing my trust within something or someone separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself by defining my trust within knowledge and information that I have acquired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-trust in others, because I am too afraid to take responsibility for myself, my life, and my creation as this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say that other Destonians are more 'knowledgable' / further along in their process than me so that I can abdicate my responsibility for this world, to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and other destonians and then to go into the reaction of fear and resistance to making vlogs/exposing myself to be 'inferior' to others/them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in others, separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust outside of myself, because I am afraid of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of myself and therefore not place trust within myself.

More on Self-Trust:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get other people to trust me, because if they trust me, I can manipulate and control them.

I forgive myself that for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I place my trust another, then when they betray and deceive me that this is equal and one to my starting point of self-deception within placing my trust outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that therefore betrayal does not actually exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with other people for betraying me, not realizing that I betrayed myself within the very starting point of trusting them in the first place, and therefore, I am responsible and cannot blame them for my feeling of being betrayed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on memories to tell me what to do and who to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind to tell me what to do and who to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in my memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in the amount of knowledge and information that I have acquired/memorized, and to within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge my knowledge and information that I have acquired as 'insufficient and incomplete and therefore inadequate to make Vlogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to my mind rather than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my self-trust through continuously choosing my mind over me, following what my mind tells me to do, suppressing myself, instead of doing and saying what I see requires to be done or spoken in the moment within breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to manipulate other beings through NOT making vlogs within the point of NOT revealing myself and where I am in my process, so that I can hide from being seen as not knowing what I am doing within my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as not knowing what I am doing in my process, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to manipulate others perceptions of me by hiding within the point of not making vlogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust outside of myself, because I am afraid of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility to make vlogs and document my process as much as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that self-trust exists within the moment of breath – when I don't rely on past/memories to tell me what to do and who to be, but apply self-honesty as me 'here' and express myself accordingly, in the moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply be 'here' and express myself in every moment of breath, as the breath, as the physical, as life – but instead I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only express myself as the memories of the knowledge, information, and understanding that I have acquired – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to therefore compare the knowledge and information of others to my knowledge and information and then become fearful that I will be exposed for being 'inferior' in my knowledge and information that I have acquired, ignoring the fact that this entire construct is of the mind and does not actually exist and has nothing to do with real self-expression and who I am within and as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to develop self-trust within the point of breathing and expressing myself within and as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust within my mind and the accumulation of knowledge and information and understanding, instead of me here.

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself going into resistance to making vlogs because I do not trust myself to be able to express myself as life of life, within and as the knowledge and understanding of what it means to be life and of life, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realize, and understand that I am thus placing my trust within the knowledge, information, and understanding that I have acquired and then comparing myself to others and then judging myself as 'inferior' to others as a result – all of which does not really exist and is a complete mind-fuck because I have not trusted myself within and as each breath, here as life – and therefore I have not allowed /trusted myself to express myself as the breath, here, spontaneously, within each and every breath.

And thus, I commit myself to remain here and breathe and place myself self-trust within myself 'here' and then express myself within each breath that I take from the starting point of directing myself to simply do what is best for all and required to do in every moment of breath, here – without thinking about it / judging it / comparing myself / and placing my self trust within and as my knowledge and information on any given topic.

I commit myself to placing my trust within and as self of no mind, of no conditions, but I simply trust myself within each and every breath, here.

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