“Now
–that experience of ‘longing’ as ‘missing’ that you’re
experiencing, actually originates from a point of regret. The point
of regret is then cloaked or veiled with this energetic experience of
‘longing’ or ‘missing’.”
I
find this an amazing statement because on yesterday's post I
mentioned how I have this 'nostalgia' for the past, particularly my
late childhood through early adult years, to go back to it, to
re-live it, as if I miss it even. I mentioned how I had a
'nostalgia' as well as a regret about the past, but I did not realize
at the time I wrote that that the nostalgia is a result
of
the regret I hold. This is pretty cool.
Then
Sunette went on to say the following:
“What
regret manifests, in relation to your physical experience in your
beingness, is like ‘holes’ in your experience, wherein these
‘holes’ create the experiential idea, perception, and belief that
you are ‘incomplete’ and ‘unfulfilled’. That ‘incompleteness’
and ‘unfulfillment’ creates then an idea, perception, or belief
of ‘lack’. That ‘lack’ then manifests as the experience of
sadness, where you think or believe that your ‘unfulfillment’ or
‘emptiness’ or ‘holes’ within yourself is then related to or
towards this something or someone that has passed away or has died”
Yep,
this is me to the tee. I have this exact experience within myself
towards those years from late childhood through early adulthood.
These years I went into an extreme shyness. I never stood-up to
speak my mind to say how I felt. I want to / desire to relive the
past to recreate it even in my present moment wherein I strive to
make my current environment resemble / feel like the past / like that
specific time period in my life. I have a 'sadness' about the past
too. This is so interesting.
I
also am nostalgic / regretful about the time when I grew up in my
house on Van Ness. This is even earlier in my life. During this
time, within and as my memory of this time, I had the 'best time' of
my life. Best as defined in a way wherein it was the most 'magical',
the most 'ideal' – I have found memories of this time. This was
the time when I was a young child and had all of my brothers living
with me. I had 3 adopted brothers that were older. They lived with
me off and on. I had my father and my mother both living together
with me in that house. I went to a 'gifted and talented' school for
7th and 8th grade during those years. I have found memories of this
time too. I had lots of friends. There were good times, lots of
pool parties and birthdays. I was taking piano lessons and was in
jazz band. My father was a successful attorney. My house was big. I
was proud of my house. We had a huge yard, lots of cool trees, a
pond and a pool, 5 bedrooms, a huge living room, etc. I had lots of
fun events at my house, my parents would through cool parties. I was
popular at school – yet still had the seeds of this extreme shyness
that I would experience later on – as I had lots of moments were I
would be afraid to speak / speak-up for myself.
Then
my parents got divorced. My mom and dad lived in different homes.
My best friend got held back a year because he was 'too im-mature'.
I went to high-school all alone. I guess I was in shock and then
went into a shyness. Then, shortly later my mother took my younger
brother and I (her natural kids) and moved to New Orleans LA leaving
the rest of my family behind in Fresno CA. Then for like, 10 or 12
years, I became super shy, had few friends, and only memories of my
past as my life experience completely changed from this point on.
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