I experienced this this week while on vacation while really pushing the point of simply breathing and remaining here throughout my day, of which has been a real test while on vacation because there is literally nothing to do here. We are up in the mountains for 9 days with hours on our hands to figure out what to do.
So, this has been really cool to see if
I can stand in the face of having nothing to do to distract me. My
experience has been that after a while, I begin to really feel as if
I need to do something, anything more stimulating, more exciting,
more entertaining accompanied with this anxiety as if I should be
doing something more productive or more entertaining with the time
that I have up here, almost a feeling of guilt, even.
So, as a 'solution' to this modest
amount of anxiety and even guilt about my experience of having
nothing to do, in order to suppress this experience of myself so that
I can 'enjoy' my time up here, I 'gave-in' to someone up here with a
little something to smoke. And it worked, I did manage to suppress
these feelings of nervousness, anxiety, and guilt that come-up while
not having anything to do on vacation. This is when I realized the
reality of the fact that addictions serve to 'suppress' the
experience of ourselves.
But, of course, the drug wears off, and
then eventually one is left with oneself again, and hence that is
when the real addiction occurs – the repeated use of a substance
that serves to keep one suppressed as much as possible only to come
back 'down' eventually and then to be faced with oneself again; only
to find out that after coming down its even worse as the negative
experience of self that I am suppressing becomes even more difficult
to bear/compounded to the point that I/one eventually 'runs' to the
substance as much as possible to completely suppress self constantly,
if it were possible. This is not a way to live. This is not the
definition of facing self.
A full on addiction, is not where I am
at within my process. I have not used substances for quite a while
now, it is just that I have been in a situation that obviously
revealed to me that there is more work to be done here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to use substances such as pot, alcohol and even food
and sex to suppress the negative/emotional experience of myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to participate in the backchat and nagging feeling
'something's not right', that 'I need something more' and 'I am not
satisfied' and 'I cannot just be here and breathe' that then leads
to/energizes/charges/creates/triggers the emotional
experience/characters of restlessness, anxiety, nervousness, and
boredom that I then want to suppress through a substance such as
marijuana, or alcohol, or food.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to participate in the idea that 'I always have to be
doing something and that I am being unproductive if I am not doing
anything.' And within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to create an experience/character of restlessness,
nervousness, and anxiety, and even guilt that I 'need to be doing
something more than what is right here' when faced with 'free',
un-allocated time.
I forgive myself that I have not
accepted and allowed myself to face my 'addiction' to pot and alcohol
by remaining 'here' and simply not participating in the 'negative'
experience of self.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to believe that I am addicted.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to use 'I am addicted' as an excuse to not stop
participating within a relationship with food, alcohol, and pot
because 'I am addicted, and I can't stop myself because it's out of
my control'
I forgive myself that I've not allowed
myself to realize that the experience of addiction is the experience
of a synchronized relationship of my mind with something and because
the relationship is formed I believe that I can not possible exist
without that something because I have defined that something as me as
one with me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to define myself within my experience while on pot and
alcohol as happy, as able to relax, as fulfilled, as feeling good and
enjoying life – “the positive”, in separation of me here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to believe that I need or require anything outside of
me for me to be complete, fulfilled, and satisfied.
I forgive myself for not accepted and
allowed myself to realize that if I accept me as all as one as equal
as me here, then I am already complete, fulfilled, and satisfied.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to follow my experience of need and desire and create
relationships of dependency with pot, alcohol, and food and sex or
anything for that matter in my world, out there in separation of me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to hide from myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to be afraid of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be afraid of just being right here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to connect fear to being 'here' and within that I
forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and
understand that I am that what I fear and thus I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self and to fear my own
fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to always want something more than to be right
here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to follow my desire to suppress the 'negative'
experience of myself that is triggered by not having anything to do,
by using the substances of pot and alcohol and food, and having sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to chase after 'positive' experiences of myself
and to run from 'negative' experiences of myself. And within that, I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate
myself and my experience of myself into the polarity of the mind and
energy and the energy that is created through participating in
polarity/friction.
I forgive myself that I have not
allowed myself to realize that I am simply suppressing the 'negative'
experience of myself that I have labeled and defined as boredom by
and through the act of smoking pot or drinking alcohol or eating food
when I am not hungry, or having sex with the intent to alleviate this
boredom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to live for only the 'positive' and then to
suppress the negative with distractions, work, emotional dramas,
television, and pot and alcohol if all these distractions are not
enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to smoke pot, drink alcohol, or have sex, or eat
food in order to suppress the feeling/negative energetic experience
of restlessness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to smoke pot, drink alcohol, or have sex or eat
food, in order to suppress the feeling/negative energetic experience
of boredom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that if I smoke pot will will be happy,
and satisfied when in reality when I smoke pot I only 'feel' happy
and satisfied, but am not living happy and satisfied as me, as an
expression of me in every moment of breath. And therefor, I forgive
myself that I not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that
the energetic experience of happiness and satisfaction is not real
and only lasts as long as the positive charge/high can last and then
its back to the negative experience of self, again – and that to
live as the expression of happy and satisfied is lived in every
'here' breath, is a living expression that is constant and never
fades, and is not of any positive or negative energy or energetic
experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to run away from my past, or unresolved issues of
my past, within suppressing myself with pot, alcohol, or sex
addiction, or food addiction.
I forgive myself that I have not
allowed myself to develop a self-intimacy wherein I explore my
past/memories and then sort them out, step by step, breath by breath
forgiving my past/memories that still haunt and control me to this
very day, so that I can establish myself within and as self-trust,
and self-intimacy in every moment so that I can stand here in every
breath as the breath, stable, constant, and the same – not changing
to a positive or negative energetic experience of myself being
directed by energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be directed by energy, and thereby be subject
to the mind/energy of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions – and
therefore within that I forgive myself that I have not realized
that being directed by the mind prohibits me from being able to
develop any real self-intimacy and self-trust which is the result of
standing with myself as self-support so that I can stand 'here' in
every breath in need of nothing to satisfy me, to fulfill me, or to
distract me from my experience of self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define myself as cool and fun to be around
within and as the use of pot and alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define my man-hood within and as the act of
sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to desire that body-high feeling of pot and having
sex while on pot.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to go into the desire to feel that way I feel
physically while on pot, all tingly where everything feels 'better'.
And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to not want to give that physical 'feeling' up – to even
fight for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to find a myriad of excuses and back-doors to
smoking pot which are mostly related to the physical “high”/feel
go feeling that I experience that I don't want to give up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to use the questions 'who is it hurting' to make
the excuse to continue smoking pot 'just one more time'
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to use the excuse 'just one more time' to smoke
pot and then to ignore the realization that there always going to be
a 'just one more time' moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that I cannot bear to live without the
tingly good physical feeling of being high on pot; and within that I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself use that as
one of my primary back-doors to going back and smoking it 'just one
more time'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to miss the memory of myself while on pot.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to go into the desire to repeat the memories of
the experience of myself while on pot within the point of fear of
losing that experience of myself while on pot, as if not smoking pot
will cause me to suffer the loss of myself – the memory of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that my 'life' would be 'less'
fulfilling and 'less' satisfactory should I not smoke pot.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that my 'life' would be 'less'
fulfilling and satisfying and that I might seem 'boring' to others
should I not drink alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be self-consumed with the quality of my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself into the 'negative' energy
experience of not having what it is that I desire, such as to feel
good at all times, and then to believe that I am therefore not really
living my life and have nothing to live for without that
positive/good energetic feeling of happiness and enjoyment. And
within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to turn smoking pot to give me a quick fix to get 'there' – to that
point of bliss and feeling good, and thus suppress the always eternal
point of boredom and low/negative energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to manifest myself as the emotional feeling of
'restlessness' within the point that I cannot just stay still and
also feel that I need to be doing something although there may not be
anything to actually do – and within this I forgive myself that I
have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am
thus separated from 'here' within my mind conjuring desires and going
into desires just to find ways to take me away from 'here' and into
and as the energy of my mind and the positive energy of doing things
that I have defined as exciting, fulfilling, entertaining,
stimulating, and satisfying.
I forgive myself that I have not
allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this is a never
ending mind-fuck cycle, that I am forever trapped in this chase for
the most positive/exciting/stimulating experience within the point
that by doing so I automatically create myself as the negative as a
consequence within the starting point that I am not already the
things/experiences that I chase and that I am not already what I
desire – as I am all as one as equal.
Thus I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to create myself as the Addicted
Character in order for me to get what I want – the energy of
feeling good.
When and as I see myself going into the
desire to smoke pot, I stop and I breathe and I do not participate in
the back-chats that lead to the desire
because I see, realize, and understand that by doing so I am
energizing my mind and giving my power away until the point that I
'break' and then am possessed by my mind to do its bidding. I also
see, realize, and understand that what I really want to do is to
suppress the negative experience of myself that is ongoing so that I
do not have to live it, and that by suppressing this experience I am
only making it worse and it will always come back – moreover by
suppressing this experience I see, realize, and understand that I am
separating myself into my mind / totally mind possessed.
And thus, I commit myself to stopping
my 'addiction' and desires to smoke pot once and for all by simply
breathing and remaining 'here' when the back-chats and the desires
start until these mind patterns dissipate and go away due to the fact
that I am refusing to energize them with my participation.
When and as I see myself going into the
desire to suppress myself / my experience of myself through the use
of pot, alcohol, sex, and even food, I stop and I breathe and I take
my power back within and as the breath and remind myself that I am
right 'here' already complete and in need of nothing and that this
'negative' experience of self is only in the mind and of the mind and
that all I need to do is stop energizing it / giving it the power to
exist through my participation.
And thus I commit myself to stopping
the negative experience of self through breathing and also through
further writing to write out all the constructs and memories and
patterns that are directing me so that I can further stop this
negative experience of self.
When and as I see myself going into the
fear that I am going to loose something / the good-times / the good
physical feeling that comes with smoking pot – in other-words when
and as I see myself going into the fear of loss in relation to pot /
not smoking pot, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and
understand that the only thing that I will be loosing is the
emotional experience of my mind and that in reality I am right here
complete and whole and in need of nothing, already.
And thus, I commit myself to stopping
this fear of loss in regards to my experience while smoking pot
through breathing through these fears within the realization that
they only exist within and as the mind in separation of me, here.
And thus, I commit myself to breathing
and stopping my mind and the patterns of excuses and justifications
to smoke pot, drink alcohol, eat too much food, and have sex to
escape the negative experience of self through breathing and bringing
myself back here.
I realize that I am already complete
and in need of nothing.
I realize that looking for things
'outside' of me to fulfill and satisfy me is separation.
I realize that addiction does not
really in-fact exist.
I realize that I do not need anything
to enhance my experience of myself.
I realize that suppressing my
experience of myself is not that answer, and that it will only result
in the compounding of negative experience of myself making which is
the fuel of addiction – in other-words, addictions feed on
themselves. The more one participates, the more one needs to use
because the negative experience of self compounds and then actually
becomes worse and even more intolerable.
I commit myself to standing in the
absolute equality and oneness of breath in ever moment.
I commit myself to standing as all as
one as equal in every breath.
I commit myself to breathing when faced
with back-chats and emotional feelings, instead of loosing myself to
the mind.
Cool Josh! Thanks for sharing!
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