Day 295 – Little Lies

Just yesterday, I was in a situation where something unexpected happened, thus, I was like out of my script, so-to-speak.  Meaning, that my normal routine response patterns did not apply because my normal routine was interrupted due to an unexpected twist of events. 

In that moment and like in a flash, I realized that I had an opportunity to alter reality just a little to make myself look better.  Had I been ‘in script’ with business as usual, this ‘opportunity’ would not have surfaced.  However, now that the script is interrupted with an unexpected event, I suddenly found myself in a situation where telling a little lie would improve my situation.  And I did.  And I was like there at the same time like ‘what the fuck am I doing here?” Like, the lie was completely pointless.  It was just there to make me look better in the eyes of others, but served no practical purpose whatsoever.

Lying like this, is not a purposefully practiced occurrence for me, but I guess it does happen when certain triggers occur.  In this case, it was just done due to the opportunity that emerged due to the unexpected event that occurred of which like changed the script, so to speak.  So, if all would have gone as normal / as planned, the lie would not have occurred.  In other words, the event unexpectedly changing triggered like an impulse to lie and then the lie came out almost like automatically, like I was possessed almost – because I was also there at the same time like in shock that I was lying when I did not even plan on this or have any need to do this in the first place.

So, I have heard it said that we all tell little lies all the time.  I like to believe that I am not included in this group.  But yesterday, I proved this belief about myself wrong.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell little white lies at times to protect myself or improve my image in the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subject to my environment wherein, if something changes or unexpected happens, this acts like a trigger, to have me go ‘out of script’ and even lie if I have to keep order, protect me, save face, or improve my image in the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act impulsively, where something as simple as an unexpected occurrence / happening, can act like a trigger that triggers an impulse / thought / urge to lie or make things up in that moment to improve my situation within a starting point of self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this occurrence that triggered an impulse to lie to improve my image in the eyes of others shows me that I already have and harbor insecurities about myself in the eyes of others because if this were not so, the impulse to lie to improve my image would not even have come up.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in back-chat as ideas and projections that others may think adversely that I react to with fear, that then layers and accumulates into an eventual mind possession that directs me to lie, in order to lift my self image in the eyes of others – all of which is occurring within my mind in separation from what is actually here.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to investigate my own back-chat and internal dialogue which would lead me to the mind possession of lying automatically to improve my self image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a trigger event, such as something that occurs unexpectedly, trigger an impulse to lie and then go into a mind possession where I lied automatically, almost as if I just took a back-seat to my mind and let it do it’s ‘dirty work’.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subjugated by the impulsive nature of my mind wherein I just allowed my mind to step in and direct my while I took a back-seat and watched the whole event play-out as if I could do nothing about it.

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to step in and slow down and breathe, the moment the impulse to lie came up within and as me, so that I can maintain self-defectiveness wherein I decide and move myself to do that which is best for all, always and do nothing from the starting point impulse and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mind possessed, wherein I act automatically and follow the impulses that come up within and as my mind as if these impulses are of me / of my being ness and as if these impulses have directive power of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impulsive, and to impulsively lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my self-directiveness be subject to ‘business as usual’, wherein I only am able to maintain self-control / self-directiveness when and as business / life goes as usual / as expected; and when and as things come up unexpectedly, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with myself to the point that I can maintain my self-directivenes in those moments, but instead, have opened myself up to impulsive behaviors that come up in unexpected moments, such as lying to save face, that I then accept and allow to act as triggers to go into mind possessions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this event shows me just how subject I am to external factors to direct me within the point that I am only able to maintain my composure / my self control / my self directiveness so long as everything in my external world goes as expected.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that sometimes, within this system as it is now designed where money is required for survival, that lying is practical and necessary – such as lying to keep a job in order to survive.  However, within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down to a point where I would only ‘lie’ in events that required such action, of which this event definitely did not qualify for this and also my lie was based on impulse and then mind possession.

When and as I see myself in a situation where something unexpected happens, I immediately commit myself to slow down and breathe thus stopping all thoughts for a moment while I take in and assess the information that the environment is giving me before accepting and allowing myself to move, think, say, or do. 

When and as I see myself in a situation where something unexpected happens, and an impulse comes up to lie for any reason whatsoever, I stop and I breathe.  I see, realize, and understand that unexpected events can pull me out of ‘script’ and thus opens me up to unplanned behaviors and deeds, such as lying to save face.  I see, realize, and understand that if I were living and walking in complete self honesty, where I had complete self-directive awareness and power over self, that unexpected events would not be able to act as triggers to compel me to lie or do anything that would not be best for all.  I see, realize, and understand that un-expected events can act as triggers that can compel to do and say things that I would otherwise not accept and allow.  Thus, I commit myself to slow down and breathe, before opening my mouth, when and, as unexpected events occur so as to maintain my self-directive stance within and as myself and assess the situation as clearly and self-honestly as possible.  From here, I commit myself breathe and direct self to move self in the direction of what is best for all, and also self wherein I do not act on impulses and triggers.