Day 16 - Never Enough Time to Wrtie VIII - Happiness and Excitement Comes First

The pursuit of happiness is a concept that I have had since I was an adolescent when I learned of the constitution of the United States.  Ever since then, I have justified within myself that this pursuit of happiness was good and noble and required to live a fulfilled life.  The interesting thing is that for most of my life, I have never examined the word happiness and what it means to ‘pursue happiness’, and because of this I have been pursuing things that make me feel happy and excited without realizing that I am participating in an endless cycle of positive and negative energy.

 

Seeking happiness and excitement ‘outside of self’ is actually the pursuit of emotional experiences.  What I have also failed to take into consideration is that this pursuit of happiness and excitement originate from my suppression of the emotions of sadness and boredom.  So, I am caught in a positive and negative polarity mind trap where I am constantly seeking to make myself happy and excited because of my underlying sadness, frustration, and boredom.  On a side note considering this, it is funny to think that in reality the framers of the constitution, by making provision to secure the right to pursue happiness, actually gave us the right to suppress the emotions of sadness and boredom thus keeping a nation of beings enslaved to a polarity of happy and sad.

My pursuit of happiness and excitement has kept me from consistently writing self-honesty because I have defined writing self-honesty as a grueling task and derive no energetic feeling of happiness and excitement from writing whatsoever.  Rather, when I sit down to write or even consider writing, I feel bored and therefore desire for something ‘stimulating’ to distract me from this boredom which I do by seeking things that are ‘stimulating’ such as reading about current affairs, or playing chess, or playing piano, or getting on Facebook (all of these activities are what I currently do to feel excited however, these activities evolve over time as my ‘interests’ change). 

 

While participating in these ‘attention diversions’ I feel happy and excited for a moment, but it only lasts for so long because the energy of happiness and excitement can only last for so long before it dissipates and runs out – and then I seek another activity that may bring the feeling of excitement and happiness and the cycle continues. 

 

This is quite funny because when I look at it, I am doing this almost my entire waking day.  From sun-up to sun down I am looking for the energy fix, ‘attention diversion’, that makes me feel happy and excited that distracts me from the underlying emotions of sadness, frustration, and boredom.  So, this ‘pursuit of happiness’ has worked as a major road-block to making any progress to really being free, here, as the breath of life in oneness and equality.

 

So, rather than pursue happiness and excitement, I should instead seek to remain here as the expression of ‘joy of life’ within oneness and equality as who I am in each and every breath.  In other words, this expression of ‘joy of life’ within oneness and equality is not something of the feeling of happiness or excitement derived from some form of stimulation “out-there”, but is the presence of me as who I am of life within and as oneness and equality ‘here’ – constant, stable, present, and here in each and every breath. 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that happiness exists.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that happiness only exits, because sadness exists.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being in a relationship with a physically good-looking woman, having enough money to live a decent life, having a stable job, being able to engage in activities that catch my interest throughout the day, and being physically active and healthy.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within spending time with the family, friends, my pets, my wife, my kids, and my material possessions.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within a picture of me doing the things that I like most and doing outdoors activities, in separation of myself here.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness outside and separate from me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be happy.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to ‘find’ happiness somewhere ‘out there’ separate from me, instead of investigating why I am not happy with who I am in every moment and to change whatever it is that I am not happy with.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about my personal happiness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that excitement exists.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that excitement only exists because boredom exists.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define excitement within my participating in something that I have defined as ‘stimulating.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define predominantly intellectual activities such as reading about world affairs, reading about the markets, reading about politics and political history, playing chess, and playing piano as ‘stimulating’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to get on Facebook or the desteni site, or my email account to get some social interaction to be stimulated.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in in-person social interruptions because of my need to be excited.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desire to be ‘stimulated’ is the same as my desire for me to be ‘excited’.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that in order for excitement to exist, boredom must exist and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my underlying emotion of boredom by seeking excitement instead of facing my boredom, embracing my boredom, and then releasing my boredom through self-forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a polarity cycle of positive feelings or happiness and excitement, and suppressing negative emotions instead of remaining here within an as each and every breath, constant and stable, of life.

 

I forgive myself that because of my participation in the merry-go-round of happiness and sadness and excitement and boredom I have therefore abdicated my responsibility to myself to remain here in each and every breath and to write myself to freedom on a consistent basis.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that was giving to me as an adolescent of the pursuit of happiness and my ‘right’ to be happy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the memory of feeling good about the idea of being ‘free to pursue happiness’ to drive me to blindly pursue ‘happiness’ my whole life and define the success of my life upon the feeling experience of happiness and how long that I can maintain my experience of happiness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my ability to live a ‘good’ life within my ability to do things that are exciting and fun.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break-up my time to pursue some excitement because I believe that I am unhappy remaining here as breath in each and every moment, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to therefore sabotage my process in self-honesty by not seeing things through from start to finish because of emotions and feeling needs that I have not stopped within each breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pursue the energy of happiness and excitement in order to suppress the emotions of sadness and boredom.

 

When an as I see myself going into the need to participate in the energy addiction of happiness or excitement, I stop and I bring myself back to and as the breath because I see, realize, and understand that by participating in thoughts and feeling ‘that I need to be happy and excited’ I am doing so to suppress my emotions of sadness and boredom, thus participating in a never ending self-created polarity cycle of the mind.

 

When and as I see myself going into the emotions of boredom and sadness and then desiring to be stimulated, or excited to make myself feel happy, I stop and I bring myself back to and as the breath, here; because I realize and accept myself as the expression of ‘joy of life’ within oneness and equality, stable and constant.